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Original poster

Is this fair? Re finances

86 replies

Carollinq · 14/07/2023 11:45

I usually work term time, dp full time. He pays the mortgage as its in his name but really cheap and most bills. We go half's on food, holiday.
Lately & due to being pregnant I've been out of work. My only income is cb.
I do have savings set aside a few thousand, should I be using my saving to pay for food, or general spends, clothes, a coffee.
Dp has over 30k in savings and manages to save around 3/4k a month after his bills.
When working I would save around 50/100 pound a month.
Since I've not had much work and will be off soon anyway due to summer school holidays & baby due, dp has been transferring a few hundred a month to my account. This covers my half of food shopping & dc clubs.
I have nothing left to buy clothes, play dates, go for a coffee etc. I'd have to ask him to send me more.
Note I do and always have done all the childcare, housework, food shopping, bins, cooking, supporting dc hobbies, everything.
I've also paid for afterschool clubs when I worked as he wouldn't ever adjust his hours because he earns significantly more and wouldn't want to miss out on money.
We have since had a fall out over something else and now he's saying we can have a joint account as long as don't blow his money up the wall, or move his savings into my savings account. Both something I'd never dream of doing anyway.

OP posts:
cloudsintheceiling · 14/07/2023 12:26

He's got a really shitty and selfish attitude to money. How is he in other areas of the relationship?

Original poster
Carollinq · 14/07/2023 12:26

Thus is why I'm asking in my first post is it fair for me to live of what little saving I have as I will need these should we split.

OP posts:
HelloFreshed · 14/07/2023 12:27

@Carollinq But if he laughs it off and accuses you of wanted to spend his money; why in earth are you still with him?

From what I’ve read, this isn’t your first child so why did you have another one without security and commitment or at the very least - respect!?!

HelloFreshed · 14/07/2023 12:28

You say you just moved back in with him; why did you move out? I’m assuming there was an issue so again I’m failing to see why you’ve left yourself and your children now in such a vulnerable situation?

it doesn’t make sense

OddsOn · 14/07/2023 12:28

If you break up he owns the house and you have zero rights. It’s a done deal now though.

So unless some massive epiphany occurs on his part you will never own any of the wealth that should be pooled that he has been able to amass as you do the caring responsibilities.

How old are you and what age and how many kids and are they all his?

My mate is fortunately married, just as the last child took her A levels her DH has left her. She does at least get half the equity in the house. She will without doubt always be financially vulnerable due to so many years out of the workplace unfortunately.

FloydPepper · 14/07/2023 12:30

It does sound a bit unbalanced now you’re off (congratulations). A chat about how it needs re-balancing should rectify that. You’re not wrong to need some spending money.

I don’t know whether he’s right or wrong to be worried you’d spend any joint savings you have access to. We need more info before labelling him as a controlling abusive arse.

he may be protecting savings (as women are advised) against a spendthrift partner. He may be holding “his” money to the detriment of you. We don’t know.

Kittykelly123 · 14/07/2023 12:31

When women become SAHM's or drop their hours/promotion prospects, the other partner should acknowlede this and act accordingly. I would not keep my partner in abject poverty (unable to buy a coffee) at home, not able to go out, stuck with the children when I was saving £4K per month. In all honesty I feel like at least he has now agreed to the JA, however its not great that you had to have a big row to get there. Is he controlling?

FloydPepper · 14/07/2023 12:31

Carollinq · 14/07/2023 12:26

Thus is why I'm asking in my first post is it fair for me to live of what little saving I have as I will need these should we split.

No, you should have enough to live off and he needs to share more

maybe not everything, but more, and you shouldn’t have to dip into savings

HelloFreshed · 14/07/2023 12:33

Carollinq · 14/07/2023 12:26

Thus is why I'm asking in my first post is it fair for me to live of what little saving I have as I will need these should we split.

But even if we agree with you that it’s unfair; what do you propose to do about it now?

If he chooses to keep things as they are, you’ve got no choice really other than to shut up and put up or leave the relationship with nothing but your kids and the clothes on your back.

Im sorry to be blunt but I feel like questions similar to this are asked on here everyday and it just astounds me the amount of women that will give up their lives for someone that doesn’t respect them enough to commit to them. Insane!

Original poster
Carollinq · 14/07/2023 12:35

I've no idea what he thinks il spend money on, I'm not a smoker or drinker. I don't get my hair, nails, makeup done. I shop at supermarkets for clothes.

Dc are primary age,

OP posts:
Alphyn · 14/07/2023 12:37

At the very least, he should be covering half of all costs relating to the children if they are his - this includes afterschool clubs, clothes, shoes, hobbies, etc. Preferably more than half since he’s earning more. You need to discuss and agree the balance of responsibilities for when you go back to work (i.e. if he’s unwilling to do his share of the school run etc, he needs to pay more for wraparound care or compensate for it in other ways). What do you get out of living with him?

Redlorryyellowlorryblue · 14/07/2023 12:38

You and your children are in such a financially vulnerable position.

Why did you move out in the first place?

Book childcare now for when you aim to look for work.

80s · 14/07/2023 12:39

He's probably making out that you would splurge or take the money to make you look and feel bad, and so that you won't ask for more money because you don't want to look like you are splurging or taking his money.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 14/07/2023 12:40

Say yes to the joint account and use it for all spending for the house and family. But keep your own account and agree with him a reasonable sum for him to send you every month for your own spending. Your decision if you spend it all or add some to your savings.

Clutchy · 14/07/2023 12:40

How many children do you have and are they all his?

Original poster
Carollinq · 14/07/2023 12:40

There 2 dc both his

OP posts:
80s · 14/07/2023 12:42

he's saying we can have a joint account
Does he want you to put your money into this joint account? Don't do that. Ask him to raise your allowance until the baby is old enough for you to return to work. Then save as much money as you can and make plans to return to work, while seeking advice about how to leave your abuser.

TheModHatter · 14/07/2023 12:43

You live in a house you have no claim on.

You provide the childcare that enables him to earn all that money- that you have no official claim on.

You provide the childcare that enables him to stack up his pension: that you have no right to.

No wonder he ‘doesn’t believe’ in marriage.

He could put the house in both your names.

He could agree to a joint account

He could make payments into your pension

He could show that loving someone includes caring about their security.

I think your best bet now is to talk to him in a way that lets him see how unbalanced your relationship is and how vulnerable you are.

If he doesn’t get it and act accordingly I would be going back to work f/t, earning the highest salary you can and telling him he needs to take care of 50% of childcare costs and 50% of all the sick days and emergencies because if he can’t view your family finances as a team, you can’t afford to view household and parenting duties as a team.

Good luck OP.

Original poster
Carollinq · 14/07/2023 12:48

@TheModHatter there's no way he'd agree to any of that. He thinks I only want to gey married so I can divorce him an get half the house ' said by him in a jokey way'

OP posts:
SpringleDingle · 14/07/2023 12:48

As a "partner" but not wife you are entitled to exactly zero of anything that doesn't have your name on it. So the house you get nothing, the savings you get nothing, etc..

So basically you need to sit down with him and have a VERY frank discussion about finances. What would be fair is for all of the expenses of running a household to be paid (mortgage, bills, food, childcare, kids activities, kids clothes, Xmas budget, agreed holidays) and then whatever is left to be split equally for your personal spending/saving. Big purchases should be agreed on by both of you. Your working hours should be agreed by both of you - if you work more then you both are on the hook for more childcare costs so it may work best for you to work part time. You need an agreement on joint ownership of the house as your effort in this relationship is contributing to your DP earning the money that goes to pay mortgage. The easiest way to do this is to have a joint account that all earnings go into and all bills come out of and then smaller separate accounts for your personal money and become joint house owners on the deeds (Joint tenants or Tenants in Common). Otherwise get married so you get some legal protection.

This needs to be a kind and caring discussion where he is understanding of the issues of trying to work full time with a tiny baby or whilst 9 months pregnant and where you understand the pressures of being the main earner supporting a family.

If you can't do that and come to a fair conclusion then your relationship isn't equitable and long term you will find yourself financially screwed and unable to leave as you will own nothing and have no money.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/07/2023 12:49

In addition to what Mad Hatter wrote I am also assuming here that these children have his surname . Yet more power handed over to him by you if this is the case.

billyt · 14/07/2023 12:52

@Carollinq

Don't stop the CB. as it counts towards your NI entitlement.

empatheticpretzel · 14/07/2023 13:05

erm he should be footing the bills and have a shared pot for spends like coffees or a personal allowance, youve taken time off to look after his child, and youre his partner, hes horrible

Zonder · 14/07/2023 13:08

Does he understand that HIS children don't live on thin air?

Maybe take a look at the CMS calculator and see what he would be expected to pay if you split.

KnickerlessParsons · 14/07/2023 13:11

For all asking- he doesn't want to get married he doesn't believe in it.

"Well he would say that, wouldn't he?"