Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Want to hear from women in large age gap relationships

97 replies

hammie46i · 12/07/2023 05:11

I have an opportunity to get into a relationship with someone 16 years older than me.

He's mid 50s.

We've been friends for a while and I do love him. But I have been asking myself, what is it going to be like to be in a relationship with someone that much older than me.

He's in good health and both of his parents are in their mid-late 80s and amazingly still healthy, so it looks like he has good genes for longevity. He works out, takes care of himself and has a great physique and is just gorgeous. He says he plans to keep taking care of himself as he gets older. I'm attracted to more than just his appearance though...I am attracted to who he is and I don't think my attraction will change as he gets older.

I am late 30s and don't want children.

I'm most interested in hearing from people who have actually been in this situation - in a large age gap relationship with a man who is getting on in years.

Part of me worries I'd be short changing myself getting into a relationship with someone who is that much older since men don't live as long as women anyway, but then again none of us know what is going to happen in the future and how long we'll live.

OP posts:
HuckingFellHire · 12/07/2023 05:21

Go for it x

Paq · 12/07/2023 05:26

If the age gap is absolutely 100% the only thing that is causing you to pause then go for it.

ThatFraggle · 12/07/2023 05:27

I think there's a massive difference between a 17 yo who ends up with a 33 year old, and a 40 year old with a 56 year old. Both have an age gap of 16 years.

The main difference in the first example is that one person has experienced a lot of life, and the other is barely out of school and it is almost impossible to have an 'equal' power dynamic.

In your case, you've both seen life and the world.

So I think getting advice on 'age gap relationships' will not serve you well. Asking for advice from those who entered a relationship in middle age with an older man will get more useful advice.

Original poster
hammie46i · 12/07/2023 05:32

ThatFraggle · 12/07/2023 05:27

I think there's a massive difference between a 17 yo who ends up with a 33 year old, and a 40 year old with a 56 year old. Both have an age gap of 16 years.

The main difference in the first example is that one person has experienced a lot of life, and the other is barely out of school and it is almost impossible to have an 'equal' power dynamic.

In your case, you've both seen life and the world.

So I think getting advice on 'age gap relationships' will not serve you well. Asking for advice from those who entered a relationship in middle age with an older man will get more useful advice.

Yes, we're more like the 40 and 56 scenario you mentioned. I don't feel there is any power imbalance, and our financial situations are similar, although I'm a higher earner.

OP posts:
Original poster
hammie46i · 12/07/2023 05:34

You're right, I researched age gap relationships and I can find plenty of experiences from women in their 20s dating a man in his late thirties. I didn't find much on what it is like to be in a relationship with an older man in his 50s. That is the scenario I'm interested in hearing about in terms of other peoples' experiences.

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 12/07/2023 05:40

There's a 12 year gap between me and my DH. We met when I was 25 but were at a v similar life stage (both living alone, single, no kids from previous relationships).
We now have 2 DC and in 41 to his 53 but like your prospective guy he looks a lot younger and so people who don't know him think he's in his mid 40s.
It's not been a problem at all yet, but his family died young. I sometimes worry about how I'll cope with teens alone if he goes in the next decade or so. And I'm very aware that things may be different when he's 70 but I'm only 58.
On the other hand, you don't know what could happen - I could be diagnosed with cancer next year - so if you have a chance at happiness I think you should go for it and live for the day

ThatFraggle · 12/07/2023 05:43

I think if you start a new thread about caring for an older partner, you'll get more feedback from people who started from an older point, as often the kind of 33year old who will go after a teen-ager, tends to 'trade them in' after a certain point.

ThatFraggle · 12/07/2023 05:43

I think if you start a new thread about caring for an older partner, you'll get more feedback from people who started from an older point, as often the kind of 33year old who will go after a teen-ager, tends to 'trade them in' after a certain point.

ThatFraggle · 12/07/2023 05:43

I think if you start a new thread about caring for an older partner, you'll get more feedback from people who started from an older point, as often the kind of 33year old who will go after a teen-ager, tends to 'trade them in' after a certain point.

PowerBMI · 12/07/2023 05:53

I think the fact that you don’t want kids reduces a lot of the issues tbh.

I agree with above. Maybe look or start a threads about caring for a partner, if this is what you are concerned about.

DrMorbius · 12/07/2023 06:03

The age gap is way too large, especially so late in life. You say he is in good health but that is a relative term. Humans bodies start to change as we get older. For example the number of men with erectile disfunction is very roughly equal to their age (40% at 40, 50% at 50 and so on). So statistically he has issues or will have in the near future.

There are all sorts of other issues including phase of life. For example retirement may only be a few years away.
I could go on, but it is a terrible idea.

Original poster
hammie46i · 12/07/2023 06:09

YukoandHiro · 12/07/2023 05:40

There's a 12 year gap between me and my DH. We met when I was 25 but were at a v similar life stage (both living alone, single, no kids from previous relationships).
We now have 2 DC and in 41 to his 53 but like your prospective guy he looks a lot younger and so people who don't know him think he's in his mid 40s.
It's not been a problem at all yet, but his family died young. I sometimes worry about how I'll cope with teens alone if he goes in the next decade or so. And I'm very aware that things may be different when he's 70 but I'm only 58.
On the other hand, you don't know what could happen - I could be diagnosed with cancer next year - so if you have a chance at happiness I think you should go for it and live for the day

Thanks for sharing.

OP posts:
Original poster
hammie46i · 12/07/2023 06:11

I don't think he'll be trading me in. He's always dated/been with women around his own age, or a few years younger in the past.

Neither of his parents need carers and they are mid to late 80s. His grandparents were the same. I guess it is naive to assume that it will be the case for him. But he has more energy than me, no erectile dysfunction. I think part of it is he keeps himself so fit and has been working out for 30 years or so. He has a lot of muscle mass which I think means he isn't ageing as fast.

OP posts:
Original poster
hammie46i · 12/07/2023 06:14

He also has a very active social life and a hobby that uses his mind and is creative (which is good for the brain), doesn't drink or smoke, and doesn't seem old in any way, in terms of his outlook.

OP posts:
hattie43 · 12/07/2023 06:22

Don't micro analyse things . You get on well so go with it and see what happens . Even same age people split up you know .

WonkyFeelings · 12/07/2023 06:26

I married my DH when I was 38 and he was 50. Ten years later we are still very, very happy. He has always been very sporty which I think helps a lot, as I can now see the difference between him and his friends who are his same age in terms of health.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 12/07/2023 06:26

There is a 9 year difference between me and my husband. He is now 66 and and we met when I was 40.

It hasn't caused any issues.

16 years is bigger than our gap but from what you say he seems to have good genes so I would definitely go for it.

I or you could drop dead tomorrow so nothing is certain.

No

IMustDoMoreExercise · 12/07/2023 06:27

Sorry didn't mean to type `No.

Niftyswiftie · 12/07/2023 06:30

I'm 40 and DH is 55. We're very happy.

SummerSazz · 12/07/2023 06:36

ExH is 13 yo than me. We had a great 18 years together but at 47 and 60 the differences did start to show. He retired and pursued his hobbies and I was working FT.

Our interests had diverged and we weren't on the same page as to the next stage of our lives.

This could of course happen in any relationship but I do think the age gap played a part.

We are still good friends and is all amicable 4 years on after separation.

SausageBurns · 12/07/2023 06:37

There is a 14 year age gap between me and my partner. I'm in my thirties and he is late forties. It works for us. I don't often think about the age gap. He is in good shape, takes amazing care of himself and we get on so well. For me the age gap also brings a maturity with him that I find a bit of a turn on. I like the fact he has his own life and knows what he wants etc. I also like the fact I feel safe with him. He is so self assured it makes me feel secure in our relationship.

BishyBarnyBee · 12/07/2023 06:38

That's not an extreme age gap and many age gap relationships work very well.

I think age gaps are a big deal when you're young, become irrelevant for much of adult life, but become more obvious again in old age.

I know a few older age gap relationships and in several cases the younger partner has ended up caring for the older one, or is frustrated because the older one has limited mobility and they can't do anything active together.

I know one woman who, having married a wealthy older man, is now extremely frustrated to find herself married to a needy, querulous invalid.

Retirement is also a bit imbalanced - one of you retires and the other has years of work left, and by the time you are a newly retired 67 year old, he will be mid eighties. So you might not have very long enjoying your retirement before you have an elderly partner with multiple health needs to look after.

There are no guarantees in life, and you can end up caring for a partner for all sorts of reasons. There is also an argument that it's easier to do while you're younger. But an age gap relationship does massively increase the likelihood of ending up as a carer.

If you've had 30 happy years together, you'll quite likely be happy to do it. But you do need to go into it with your eyes open and know you are significantly increasing the chances of it happening.

Original poster
hammie46i · 12/07/2023 06:43

Thanks all for sharing your experiences.

I only work part time and have done for years. I have my own business. I'm not expecting to retire at any time, even when I'm older because I work minimal hours anyway. He will be retiring of course in several years, but seeing as I'm already semi retired I don't think it will be a big difference in our lifestyles.

OP posts:
Obi73 · 12/07/2023 06:50

I met my now husband when I was 20 and he was 30, lots of opinions from family and friends as to why we shouldn’t have been together how it wasn’t right and he was taking advantage, (he certainly wasn’t) and 30 years on here we are, still together with our own grown up family.
You can’t help who you fall in love with and age, that’s just a number and song lyrics I’ve never heard of but he knows off by heart!

determinedtomakethiswork · 12/07/2023 06:55

I wouldn't. I would look 20 years ahead when he's in his 70s and you are still working. And he might be a great guy, but I think you are better off with someone around your own age. Of course to him, you are a prize, being so much younger and with so many working years ahead of you. The chance of you caring for him is very high. The chance of him caring for you is virtually nil.