Want to hear from women in large age gap relationships

[hammie46i]

I have an opportunity to get into a relationship with someone 16 years older than me.

He's mid 50s.

We've been friends for a while and I do love him. But I have been asking myself, what is it going to be like to be in a relationship with someone that much older than me.

He's in good health and both of his parents are in their mid-late 80s and amazingly still healthy, so it looks like he has good genes for longevity. He works out, takes care of himself and has a great physique and is just gorgeous. He says he plans to keep taking care of himself as he gets older. I'm attracted to more than just his appearance though...I am attracted to who he is and I don't think my attraction will change as he gets older.

I am late 30s and don't want children.

I'm most interested in hearing from people who have actually been in this situation - in a large age gap relationship with a man who is getting on in years.

Part of me worries I'd be short changing myself getting into a relationship with someone who is that much older since men don't live as long as women anyway, but then again none of us know what is going to happen in the future and how long we'll live.

I have wondered this - am I selling myself short, as you put it?

But I also have not had much luck my whole adult life with dating and relationships. The main issue has been that I don't connect with that many people. This is the first time I have met someone (in 20 or so years of dating) I'm this compatible with, who I really connect with, and who ticks my boxes.

I am not sure whether I would ever find that again. If I passed this up because maybe I'm selling myself short, would I look back in 20 years time and regret it because I didn't meet anyone else I felt like this about. Not sure.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond

We have the same sense of humour and he's the most hilarious person. I've never laughed as hard in my life as I have with him. He told me that he's never had as much fun with someone as he has with me.

Well health issues are the big prob.
Those saying I’m x years, DH is y (under 50) haven’t reached the age when health problems appear.
And odds are on the older partner having problems first.

In your position I would enjoy it, as a short term thing. My parents have a large age gap, My Dad is 76 and has been retired for years. My Mum is 61 and yet to retire. When younger they seemed well matched but now my DM is desperate to get out and enjoy herself and my Dad is becoming very much an old man. Although it doesn't help that he has gone from being a very active person to rather lazy and selfish, leaving most chores to my DM whilst she still works full time.

I have two friends whose husbands are 13 and 15 years older than them. Both of them have said now their husbands are pushing 60, and they are still in their mid 40s, the gap seems bigger than it ever did. Men do tend to age quicker than women physically and mentally, so while it might be great for you now, in 10 years things might be very different. But if you are prepared for this eventuality and you think you can have a happy life together then why not give it go and if things change down the line you don't have to stay with him..

It's very easy to fall into relationships with people who are too old (or too young for that matter) when you're not meeting anyone suitable around your own age, I find. They usually don't work out. It's probably better to keep looking or not commit/invest too much into one with a significantly younger or older .... Though that's hard for many people (especially women I find) to do, so maybe best to not get involved and keep proactively looking for someone closer to your age.

My ex was 16 years older. When we met he was fit and active and introduced me to activities I'd never tried before, (I'm not talking sex here,) so the relationship definitely enriched my life. As the years went by, he slowed down a lot and "couldn't be bothered" going out / away / doing different things so much. He was ready for a life of pipe and slippers by the fireside whereas I still wanted to see the world and experience new things. In the end we became incompatible. Your experience may vary.

My dh is ten years older than me, it works pretty well. Losing both his parents who were in their eighties suddenly and very close together was awful. That’s the only downside that I’ve come across so far.

My partner is 14 years older than me. Nothing in this life is a given, so although it’s likely I will outlive him, that’s certainly not guaranteed. He might need to be cared for when he’s older, which I will do because I love him, but also, something could happen to me and I could end up requiring care.

I would say go for it. I’d rather have as many happy years as I can with the man I love than to not have any years because he was older.

I hope nobody takes it the wrong way or feels offended, but it seems like comments from people who are happy in their "age gap" relationships focus on the actual relation with that other person

while comments talking about potential risks give off strangely transactional vibe - all about what the partner can give me and what potential (not even actual sacrifices) one would need to make

sure incompatibility may creep in with time, but its not necessary due to age - i found that issues in my former relationship with someone who was similar age to mine

If kids aren't an issue, you fancy him and you get on very well (so far, I should add - takes a couple of years to get to know someone properly. I had a relationship with a 9 yrs older man that started promisingly and became disastrous), why not.

But I would see how it goes and not look at it so seriously & long-term, like you are now. You make it sound like it's don't take the opportunity or take it for life; it doesn't have to be either, or. You can see how it goes without investing so heavily from the beginning.

Do you meet loads of ppl incidentally.... It's not a matter of not meeting enough ppl (in ehi h to meet compatible men).

Haven’t RTFT and I’m not in an age gap relationship, but two of my friends are ( one 15 years, one 20 years).

The second friend is now 51, he’s 71 and it’s been a struggle for a few years. He’s in good health, but I think the relationship has run its course as they’re at such different life stages. She doesn’t give details, but has hinted that all’s not well. I think she feels too guilty to leave him now he’s older.

The other friend seems OK, they’re 54 and 69. He does keep fit and is a workaholic (she now realizes that’s a big reason why his first marriage broke up!) but they’re happy.

Based on their experiences, I’d give it a go but not assume it’ll last forever. That’s the case with all relationships, tbh. 😂

*in which to meet

My best friend married a man 34 years older than her when she was nineteen. They were blissfully happy together for 17 years. Sadly he died this year of cancer, but that could happen to anyone at any time.

I think it’s a personal thing. I would not be interested in a man much older than me. I have never found a much older man attractive.

Having said that I did have a relationship with someone ten years older than me when I was younger and he was a bit old-fashioned in his ways as a person anyway so that was a non-starter. I was also in a long relationship with someone seven years older and that was ok as we had similar interests and tastes eg music. So for me it would be seven years difference max.

In your case, especially as you don’t want children, I would be open-minded although I do think that is a big age gap.

I know you are asking about relationships between a woman and an older man, OP, but I thought I would share my experience of a younger man/older woman. I'm the older one in our relationship - I'm 13 years older than my DH and we've been together for over 25 years. We have DC together. After the first flush of love the differences in maturity were very obvious and to an extent still persist today which I struggle with as I can't understand why he hasn't yet 'grown up', and undoubtedly there are cultural reference disparities between us too but I don't really regard that as an issue.

I've always looked much younger than my age until very recently but that has changed as I've hit my 60's and I'm suddenly ageing fast (which I hate), despite my best efforts, plus I am starting to develop some physical issues relating to ageing, which he makes clear he finds irritating. In contrast, he has continued to look super-youthful and is a very good-looking man. For most of our marriage he has been besotted with me but now I notice how he increasingly looks at younger women - not overtly and not designed to humiliate me, but it happens - and I very much feel he is no longer 'in love' with me. He is also critical of me about virtually everything and finds fault in most things I do which is really impacting on my self-confidence. I suspect that had he been able to foresee the future, he wouldn't have married me. I love him very much but I have a strong sense that he will now not be with me until death us do part and I have concerns about his friendship with, and not so subtle admiration of a very attractive neighbour who is - ironically - 13 years younger than him...

I know none of us can guarantee anything in relationships, but I do feel very sad and in a lonely place. I'm a high achiever professionally but feel very inadequate in the face of all this. I have tried to talk about it to him but ultimately I can't change his feelings: if he no longer loves me, then there is nothing I can do about that. I appreciate that many relationships where partners are of similar ages fail too, but I have no doubt that the age difference between my DH and I, specifically as the older woman, is a significant contributor to his dissatisfaction.

Nothing is guaranteed in this life, I have friends who are fit as a fiddle in old age, I have others who have died young, become ill or even one who became bedbound at 45.
You could be happy and never need worry about the age gap, you could split up in 2 years. We dont know what is coming so if you have a chance at happiness the grasp it and enjoy it.,

There will be tough times and sadness in all of our lives without looking for problems in our futures which may not even happen.

I speak as someone on a happy marriage with a 12 year age gap and i am in my 50s

Go for it - life is short and finding someone special doesn't happen every day. No regrets here, together 20 years.

A lot of the answers you are getting are those where the age gap relationships are in the same stage of life. Basically you and your BF now. What you are worry about, I'm guessing, is the next stage of life. What will happen when he retires? Will you still be working FT for another 16 years while he's retired? What does he want to do when he retired? Will you be able to do it with him? Even if you take an early retirement at 60, you still have 10 years of working after he's retired. When you retire at 67, he'll be 83. What's your dream about retirement? I want to travel and I don't think someone at 83 is going to be young enough to do that. My parents are healthy and started going downhill from mid 70s quickly.

Basically what I'm saying is you need to ask much older women who are older than mid 60s what they think.

16 year age gap here and no issues whatsoever. Go for it!

It made me sad to read this. You mentioned that your self-confidence has been affected by his attitude, but I hope that you know you are worth being in love with, no matter your age.

These comments have given me food for thought!

Someone mentioned I'd have to deal with his kids...he has no children so no need to worry about that.