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Relationships

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Original poster

Want to hear from women in large age gap relationships

97 replies

hammie46i · 12/07/2023 05:11

I have an opportunity to get into a relationship with someone 16 years older than me.

He's mid 50s.

We've been friends for a while and I do love him. But I have been asking myself, what is it going to be like to be in a relationship with someone that much older than me.

He's in good health and both of his parents are in their mid-late 80s and amazingly still healthy, so it looks like he has good genes for longevity. He works out, takes care of himself and has a great physique and is just gorgeous. He says he plans to keep taking care of himself as he gets older. I'm attracted to more than just his appearance though...I am attracted to who he is and I don't think my attraction will change as he gets older.

I am late 30s and don't want children.

I'm most interested in hearing from people who have actually been in this situation - in a large age gap relationship with a man who is getting on in years.

Part of me worries I'd be short changing myself getting into a relationship with someone who is that much older since men don't live as long as women anyway, but then again none of us know what is going to happen in the future and how long we'll live.

OP posts:

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 12/07/2023 07:04

The only time big age gaps 'can' be an issue is major life events, such as wanting children and maybe retirement. There's a 10 year gap between me and dh but we met later in life so both already have dc. Regarding retirement we've set it up that I retire earlier and he stays on a few years. It's only when it came down to discussing this that i realise there's 10 years between us. So when I'm 60 he'll be 70, this is when it starts to feel big

But if this is your only cause for concern, then go for it.

decemberdecember · 12/07/2023 07:12

I’m 37, DP is 55 (56 this year). We started going out at 29 & 47, but were friends for a few years before that. Also don’t want children. We’re very happy. We get on brilliantly and have a lovely life.

I don’t really think about the age gap to be honest. It comes in useful knowledge-wise though. Even just “who’s that band on TV?” (he’ll know, lol!)

My parents divorced and haven’t always been lucky in relationships so I think that automatically made me appreciate something when it was right. I just think about the now - I’m very happy now and it’s right now, and that’s all we care about.

His parents are both long gone too, so I don’t even have the longevity thing!

TheGriffle · 12/07/2023 07:14

My friend is married to a man just over 20 years older than her. She is now 32 and he’s mid fifties. They’ve been married 10 years now and seem very happy and their daughter is just over 1.

Tangerinedreams3 · 12/07/2023 07:21

I think it will be fine now but not when you're older. When you're in your prime, say 55 56 he will be over 70. You'll likely have a caring role.
Not for me.

Eva6437 · 12/07/2023 10:58

age is just a number.
if you’re absolutely sure that you won’t want children, go for it! YOLO! you make each other happy and enjoy each others company , that’s the main thing :)

mimi912 · 12/07/2023 11:12

Does he have any children or ex wives? That would be my only concern. Age is just a number.

Swannyb · 12/07/2023 11:19

Stop overthinking it… Stop worrying about a hypothetical future.

There is a 15 year age gap between myself and my partner, we’re 10 years in. None of our relationship ‘issues’ have anything to do with his age or my age.

PaintedEgg · 12/07/2023 11:26

There is 14 years between my husband and I

Outside of replying to posts like this I don't think it comes up at all. Of course he will retire earlier (lucky him!), but I don't think it would be a problem. Good for him for having more time for himself :D

baileys6904 · 12/07/2023 11:29

OK so I've done the age gap thing, didn't think it was a big deal...

However my father married someone just over 15 years younger than him. Very physically fit and active all his life, highly energetic job, etc.

He started with dementia a few years ago, pre 70 years old. He's also doubly incontinent and wheel chair bound. He's now in a care home. Give her due, his wife still visits and sees him but he confuses her with a different wife, has started not remembering us and it's bloody hard. She has another partner but cannot fully move on and she is struggling.

She's not my mum but I absolutely feel for her. This isn't what she signed up for in any way shape or form.

Please just be mindful of the medical side of an age gap. And it's not just nursing someone Ill in bed.

Swannyb · 12/07/2023 11:35

@baileys6904 sorry to hear about your father but I don’t think it’s fair to say ‘she didn’t sign up for this’.

I don’t think anyone who’s husband or wife gets a tragic illness, which can happen at any age, ‘signed up for it’ but it’s a sad reality of life.

Personally, I don’t think the risk that someone MAY get sick is a reason not to go into relationship. OP could be the one who gets sick and needs to be cared for.

Turquoisa80 · 12/07/2023 11:37

My friend is 43 and her partner is 62..he's total hard work, does not engage with her or her dc that much and complains about the child a lot. He complains about noise, doesn't eat with them..she wants to go for walks , coffee and he ignores her..he's awful now but at the start he was fun, talkative and with it. Now that he has her, he's a total boring dead weight. I wish I had the foresight to tell her not to go for him but I didn't and now she has someone who is a total cocklodger arsehhole in her life. Does this man have his own money because he may become reliant on you

LunaNorth · 12/07/2023 11:42

I’m 49 and DH is 64.

We’re very, very happy. He ran 5K yesterday, so that tells you how fit and well he is.

Go for it.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 12/07/2023 11:43

By all means have a relationship, as long as it suits you both. Don’t move in together , don’t merge your finances, don’t get married.

if you are still together when you are 50, and he is 66, or when you are 60 and he is 76, great. Just keep the door open ( and be honest with yourself and possibly him about the reasons).

PaintedEgg · 12/07/2023 11:46

I don't think it's fair to assume we will end up as someone's carer just because they are older

Even using myself as an example - dementia runs in my family. Looking at it from this perspective my husband may end up being in his 80s with a younger wife who does not remember him. I doubt this is his ideal plan to spend his final days, so maybe it should have been him considering running for the hills away from me?

MouseSculptureMadeOfOldHairbrushFluff · 12/07/2023 12:01

The fact you don’t want kids simplifies the issue a whole lot, all you need to consider is you, not worry about a hypothetical 7 year old weeping by their father’s graveside. The fact that he prioritises his physical fitness is also a big plus.

How often do we meet someone we have a real connection with? I’d just give it a whirl and see what happens. You can always walk away.

MidgeMainCourse · 12/07/2023 12:03

14 years between me n DP. Been together 15years and it's fine. Age has never been an issue 🤷🏻‍♀️

RuthW · 12/07/2023 12:16

There is 9 years between me and my partner. Sometimes that seems huge. He's definitely a lot 'older' now than when I met him ten years ago. I'm 55 now.

Don't do it.

moimichme · 12/07/2023 12:36

My DH and I have a 9.5 year age gap, together since I was 30. He is 53 now but very fit and healthy (running, cycling, etc.) and our age difference has never been an issue. However, I do wonder sometimes what will happen in later life, e.g. will I be supporting him for nearly 10 years if I can't somehow afford to retire early? In an ideal world I would love it if we could have more 'fun' years retired together. But this is a minor thing and we're mostly happy. And if you're not planning to have children then you aren't tied to him (so to speak) if things don't work out, down the road.

Naunet · 12/07/2023 12:41

I don’t think I would, I think 10 years is my absolute limit, but it’s a completely personal choice and there’s no need to jump into anything serious right away.

BuddhaAtSea · 12/07/2023 12:50

I did, and I wish I didn’t. You’re always at a different stage of your lives. And the constant compromising becomes tiresome and a source of resentment. Yes, it can be done, but I can’t explain just how much easier it is with DP, who is just a couple of years older than me.
My vote is no.

Voowoo · 12/07/2023 12:52

13 year age gap and we are almost split, it was ok at first when he had energy and wanted to "impress" me, I guess.. Now, ten + years down the line, he prioritises his job which saps every ounce of his energy, he's grumpy and petulant, avoidant of anything that crosses his basic duty regarding house/children/etc, zero ambition to change, and his attitude has crept into being a carbon copy of his mother's (that is NOT a good thing). We are from different generations and it becomes ever more apparent.

Tbf though he doesn't look after himself physically, so that doesn't help. I'd say if you're overlooking any issues at all now, they will probably be huge issues, given the inevitable adjustments of time. If there's no real issues, then it's just luck and good health.

I also regret that the age gap has somehow made me less able to connect with men nearer my own age, I don't know what that's about.

I'm only in my thirties and already I'm shouldering a lot on my own, like any of the more involved aspect of parenting, life and travelling/holidaying etc without him because he's not interested any more.

It has to change or end for me, because I would resent him if I had to care for him in older age now, which is a natural consequence of his mediocre behaviour, and that resentment isn't fair on him either.

bugaboo218 · 12/07/2023 12:55

DH is twenty years older than me and we have been together over twenty years .

There were gasps of horror from lots of family on both sides about the age gap and how we wouldn't last as a couple beyond a few years.

Practical things to think about:

Are you financially comfortable? Or will you be as he heads towards retirement? Think about if you can live off one income or are prepared to do so. Or will this cause resentment if you are still working and he isn't ?

Ensure the mortgage is paid off before he retires - otherwise that is just another financial stress that you do not need in an age gap relationship.

You won't have shared points of reference e.g remember or possible like the same bands, music. You may need to educate him a bit in how different things were growing up - you are two decades apart.

Are you comfortable in each others social circle and friendship groups?

Go for it, but go into it with your eyes wide open!

TheoTheopolis23 · 12/07/2023 13:06

16 years younger and a higher earner - do you think maybe you're selling yourself short here.

Also presumably you have to make an effort with older/grown up kids, whereas he has no such effort to make.

Naunet · 12/07/2023 13:13

Also, please note, the women singing the praises of age gap relationships on here are all younger than their partner, none of them are the older partner. Men don’t tend to go for women much older than them (yes I know there’s a few exceptions) and they don’t tend to be encouraged to either.

MrsMiddleMother · 12/07/2023 13:15

I think as adults age gaps don't really matter, especially the 30s upward and given you don't want children, it would be a no brainer to me to give it a go.
There's 14 years between me and dh, it has had its challenges but Imo they were brought on by my age when we got together, not the actual age gap itself.

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