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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner chats online and can get physically abusive if I say anything

63 replies

Clair001 · 12/07/2023 02:05

Despite being caught again and again chatting to women online and promising to stop, he carries on. On the 14th Feb this year he told me he was going to Cornwall for a work exam but 2 weeks later a parking fine arrived which showed he had been in Swindon, he denied this saying his registration had been cloned but I was able to show that he had been there by using a banking transaction, apparently he had slept in the car all night and then driven around until 1pm when he began to make his way home. More recently it has come to light that he booked a hotel at 08.12 on the 15th (which is very strange since this was the next morning) and wait for it...is saying he didn't use the room...and is even prepared to phone the hotel to prove a no-show. He is ex-military, 6'2" and very well built against my 5'2" but thinks nothing of resorting to physical force such as bending my wrists backwards or applying pressure to my neck if I 'go on' about these things. I actually do feel he is telling the truth about not cheating and think these chat apps are a way of inappropriately dealing with very high stress levels, he has been diagnosed with ptsd but only phones combat stress if he thinks he's going to lose me. Your thoughts on this would be appreciated as I can't divulge this to anyone I know in real life, as it's not like I can untell them afterwards, so am a bit stuck. Thank you

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 12/07/2023 02:07

Leave him.

misssunshine4040 · 12/07/2023 02:07

He's an abuser.
It matters none why he's abusing you, only that he is.
Get a million miles away from him as soon as you possibly can. His online chats to other women are the least of your concerns.
He is gaslighting and manipulating you.

Get out before he kills you

BigCheeseSandwich · 12/07/2023 02:20

He lies and physically hurts you. Why the hell do you put up with it? Raise your bar, in this case it might save your life.

MintJulia · 12/07/2023 02:23

Get out now, before he hurts you badly..

You can't deal with his abusive tendencies, all you can do is make yourself safe.

MrsKwazi · 12/07/2023 02:25

Just leave him! You will never solve this ‘problem’, he is an abuser and a cheat and will never change. Do you have children?

DPotter · 12/07/2023 02:25

Oh my love - you're in over your head with this man and you need to get out before he badly hurts you.

Seddon · 12/07/2023 02:32

You must know that the obvious answer is that he shouldn't be your partner anymore. So why isn't that the case, is there something holding you back from telling people and getting the help you need to get out? Maybe we can help work through that.

ZekeZeke · 12/07/2023 02:32

Whatever you do please don't have children with this abuser.
He is a serial cheater an abuser and you must leave ASAP.

ManyDogs · 12/07/2023 02:34

Ring the police, why are you even asking!!

Artycrafts · 12/07/2023 02:47

You're in danger. Call the police.

AutieNOT0tie · 12/07/2023 02:53

It's abuse you need to leave. Go to women's aid fir advice. No one deserves this.

WhatWouldHopperDo · 12/07/2023 03:11

Don’t waste your time trying to unpick his lies or trying to convince yourself he’s not lying.

There is no justification ever for him physically hurting you and you deserve so much more.

Its awful that military people end up
with PTSD but you do not have to solve that or be his punching bag. He needs a lot of help and you need to get away from
him and be safe.

Please find someone you trust and tell them what is happening.

tidalway · 12/07/2023 03:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

magma33 · 12/07/2023 03:29

Sorry OP I didn’t need to read further than the title.

women’s aid, give them a call for a chat if you don’t want to call the police.

Jessxpoppy · 12/07/2023 04:18

Clair001 · 12/07/2023 02:05

Despite being caught again and again chatting to women online and promising to stop, he carries on. On the 14th Feb this year he told me he was going to Cornwall for a work exam but 2 weeks later a parking fine arrived which showed he had been in Swindon, he denied this saying his registration had been cloned but I was able to show that he had been there by using a banking transaction, apparently he had slept in the car all night and then driven around until 1pm when he began to make his way home. More recently it has come to light that he booked a hotel at 08.12 on the 15th (which is very strange since this was the next morning) and wait for it...is saying he didn't use the room...and is even prepared to phone the hotel to prove a no-show. He is ex-military, 6'2" and very well built against my 5'2" but thinks nothing of resorting to physical force such as bending my wrists backwards or applying pressure to my neck if I 'go on' about these things. I actually do feel he is telling the truth about not cheating and think these chat apps are a way of inappropriately dealing with very high stress levels, he has been diagnosed with ptsd but only phones combat stress if he thinks he's going to lose me. Your thoughts on this would be appreciated as I can't divulge this to anyone I know in real life, as it's not like I can untell them afterwards, so am a bit stuck. Thank you

As someone that has been in this situation before I think he is 100% doing the dirty.
Also he is abusive! This is domestic abuse
Ring the police get an injunction ASAP! X

LobsterCrab · 12/07/2023 04:24

He is hurting you OP! Please leave.

Groutyonehereagain · 12/07/2023 04:26

The pressure to your neck thing stood out in your post. Men that do this go on to kill their partners. You are in grave danger, you must get out. Contact Womens Aid for help to leave safely. Do it and do it right now.

squishee · 12/07/2023 04:30

So he's cheating, hurts you and strangles you? And you reward his behaviour by staying with him. Get rid now.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 12/07/2023 04:34

I’m not sure what input you’re wanting from anyone, other than dump his pathetic arse?

Pollywoddles · 12/07/2023 04:44

You are not safe with this man and you need to take this very seriously before he puts you in hospital or worse. Do you have somewhere safe to go? Contact Women’s Aid today.

Inauthentic · 12/07/2023 04:46

The obvious answer is leave him but I understand it might not be that easy.

Perhaps having an anonymous chat with domestic abuse helpline (like Women's Aid) could help?

ivegotdreadfulpmttoday · 12/07/2023 04:52

Leave

Shoxfordian · 12/07/2023 06:01

Call womens aid, tell people in real life who will support you and leave him

Pawpatrolsucks · 12/07/2023 06:11

You need to leave. Get your ducks in a row and do your best to be non confrontational while you are there. Do you have children? If there is somewhere you can go I would get out now. Find out if there is any military support available to you, for example if he comes after you once you have left is there anything they will to to intervene? Call women’s aid and find out what resources are available. I’m sorry but it’s most likely going to get worse.

WestSouthWest · 12/07/2023 06:16

You are in an abusive relationship and should make a plan to leave this man. You can call Women’s Aid for support or your local domestic abuse support service, there is usually a service in your county/geographical area. They will help you. I would urge you to reach out for support to make a safe plan to leave, he sounds very dangerous and you need to keep yourself safe.