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Original poster

Partner chats online and can get physically abusive if I say anything

63 replies

Clair001 · 12/07/2023 02:05

Despite being caught again and again chatting to women online and promising to stop, he carries on. On the 14th Feb this year he told me he was going to Cornwall for a work exam but 2 weeks later a parking fine arrived which showed he had been in Swindon, he denied this saying his registration had been cloned but I was able to show that he had been there by using a banking transaction, apparently he had slept in the car all night and then driven around until 1pm when he began to make his way home. More recently it has come to light that he booked a hotel at 08.12 on the 15th (which is very strange since this was the next morning) and wait for it...is saying he didn't use the room...and is even prepared to phone the hotel to prove a no-show. He is ex-military, 6'2" and very well built against my 5'2" but thinks nothing of resorting to physical force such as bending my wrists backwards or applying pressure to my neck if I 'go on' about these things. I actually do feel he is telling the truth about not cheating and think these chat apps are a way of inappropriately dealing with very high stress levels, he has been diagnosed with ptsd but only phones combat stress if he thinks he's going to lose me. Your thoughts on this would be appreciated as I can't divulge this to anyone I know in real life, as it's not like I can untell them afterwards, so am a bit stuck. Thank you

OP posts:
Ilovenutellaaaaa · 12/07/2023 06:17

Clair001 · 12/07/2023 02:05

Despite being caught again and again chatting to women online and promising to stop, he carries on. On the 14th Feb this year he told me he was going to Cornwall for a work exam but 2 weeks later a parking fine arrived which showed he had been in Swindon, he denied this saying his registration had been cloned but I was able to show that he had been there by using a banking transaction, apparently he had slept in the car all night and then driven around until 1pm when he began to make his way home. More recently it has come to light that he booked a hotel at 08.12 on the 15th (which is very strange since this was the next morning) and wait for it...is saying he didn't use the room...and is even prepared to phone the hotel to prove a no-show. He is ex-military, 6'2" and very well built against my 5'2" but thinks nothing of resorting to physical force such as bending my wrists backwards or applying pressure to my neck if I 'go on' about these things. I actually do feel he is telling the truth about not cheating and think these chat apps are a way of inappropriately dealing with very high stress levels, he has been diagnosed with ptsd but only phones combat stress if he thinks he's going to lose me. Your thoughts on this would be appreciated as I can't divulge this to anyone I know in real life, as it's not like I can untell them afterwards, so am a bit stuck. Thank you

Of course he is cheating..chatting to women online is a way of being unfaithful ...and he lied about going to Cornwall for a work exam,..who drives to Swindon, sleeps in a car and then comes home, not him it appears, because there was the hotel charge, and don't let him gaslight you that he never stayed at the hotel, I mean how else did the hotel get his card details ? They didn't conjure them out of thin air...

And the whole bending your wrists back and putting pressure on your neck is assault,

He knows he can bully you into keeping quiet, look at how you change your tone towards the end of your post

." I actually do feel he is telling the truth about not cheating and think these chat apps are a way of inappropriately dealing with very high stress levels"

How is he telling the truth when you KNOW he is chatting to other women, and when you KNOW he is lying about where he is going, and when you KNOW he has booked hotel rooms that he has lied about, and bear in mind this is just the stuff you know about, so what has he done and got away with that you don't know about, and look how abusive he gets if you bring it up,

I know people with PTSD, you can't let him gaslight you with his diagnosis into accepting physical abuse and cheating

If you can't speak to him about it without him physical assaulting you then you need to leave, and also call the police for all the times he has physically assaulted you

Also tell your friends and family, don't be ashamed, abusers rely on their victims to keep silent, it's how they get away with the abusive behaviour, don't feel embarrassed or ashamed, you have nothing to feel embarrassed or ashamed about when it comes to letting loved ones know, and you have no reason to protect him

Imagine if a female relative or friend told you the same story, their partner of husband keeps chatting to women online and when they catch him he physical assaults them ...your first reaction would be to tell them to leave or report it to the police,

Now imagine if they told you their husband/partner said he was going for a work exam in Cornwall but they found out he lied and was in another town and there was no work exam and he had a hotel bill that he was lying and gaslighting about, you again would tell them they deserve better and to leave him

BlastedPimples · 12/07/2023 06:19

Please leave.

He sounds so dangerous.

Do you have dcs?

parababe · 12/07/2023 06:20

Absolutely leave - This is extreme abusive behavior....
Just to try and reframe this in your mind, your 1st sentence....
'Despite being caught again and again chatting to women online and promising to stop, he carries on.'
Could translate to
Despite my boundaries being broken again and again, I just keep forgiving him'
Be brave, leave.
Good Luck

Ginger1982 · 12/07/2023 06:21

He will kill you.

napody · 12/07/2023 06:22

I'm yet another person telling you you're not safe, get out.

user1492757084 · 12/07/2023 06:25

You need to read your own post and decide that you are not safe and you should leave.
Not one good person bends back another's wrists.
Not one good person lies about where they are going.

NeverTrustAPoliceman · 12/07/2023 06:25

Get out now.

Imagine yourself as yet another woman murdered by her abusive partner on the front page of the newspapers. Is that really what you want?

Get. Out. Now.

DamaskRosie · 12/07/2023 06:26

You need to leave him quickly and safely. Is there a time when you could call Women’s Aid for some help and advice, perhaps when he is out at work or you are. He is a violent and dangerous man.

Do you have a friend or family member you can stay with? Do you have children?

It does sound as if he is cheating- I would guess sleeping with prostitutes. But to be honest that’s secondary now to the issue of your safety and the importance of getting away.

Aprilx · 12/07/2023 06:30

Of course he is cheating! But that is not the worst part of this post. This man is abusive and this could escalate until he kills you. You know this happens, you need to get out.

guineacup · 12/07/2023 06:38

He is ex-military, 6'2" and very well built against my 5'2" but thinks nothing of resorting to physical force such as bending my wrists backwards or applying pressure to my neck if I 'go on' about these things.

None of the rest of your OP matters... This alone is more than enough to demonstrate that he's an abuser. You need to leave this man

guineacup · 12/07/2023 06:42

guineacup · 12/07/2023 06:38

He is ex-military, 6'2" and very well built against my 5'2" but thinks nothing of resorting to physical force such as bending my wrists backwards or applying pressure to my neck if I 'go on' about these things.

None of the rest of your OP matters... This alone is more than enough to demonstrate that he's an abuser. You need to leave this man

What I mean is, if you could somehow get incontrovertible proof today that he's wasn't cheating, it wouldn't matter... he's still an vile abuser and you need to leave for your own safety.

Bananalanacake · 12/07/2023 06:50

Who owns the property you live in. Definitely leave as soon as possible

Zara82 · 12/07/2023 07:16

Oh dear.

Please leave this man.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 12/07/2023 07:37

Get out get out get out.

And get some counselling before starting any new relationships.

icelollycraving · 12/07/2023 07:39

Would you be safe to leave?

hopsalong · 12/07/2023 07:40

Can you tell us why you haven't already left him?

RoseBucket · 12/07/2023 07:41

Groutyonehereagain · 12/07/2023 04:26

The pressure to your neck thing stood out in your post. Men that do this go on to kill their partners. You are in grave danger, you must get out. Contact Womens Aid for help to leave safely. Do it and do it right now.

This! I was going to say the same but spotted this @Clair001

Ofcourseshecan · 12/07/2023 07:43

He thinks nothing of resorting to physical force such as bending my wrists backwards or applying pressure to my neck if I 'go on' about these things.

Leave him. Nothing else matters. You cannot stay with a man who does this.

Dery · 12/07/2023 07:45

“The pressure to your neck thing stood out in your post. Men that do this go on to kill their partners. You are in grave danger, you must get out. Contact Womens Aid for help to leave safely. Do it and do it right now.”

This. The relationship is not worth staying in even without this, but this man is on the way to killing you. Please leave.

DorisElward · 12/07/2023 07:46

He’s hurting you. Please leave him before he does something permanent.

Zanatdy · 12/07/2023 08:17

He’s strangling you basically. Call womens aid and get away from his and don’t look back

Zanatdy · 12/07/2023 08:18

hopsalong · 12/07/2023 07:40

Can you tell us why you haven't already left him?

Is there a need for a question like that?

OrlandointheWilderness · 12/07/2023 08:26

The physical abuse is beyond alarming. Please leave.

Willowview · 12/07/2023 08:36

Pack a small bag with your most treasured possessions, a few clothes and some toiletries, make sure you have your passport and driver's license etc, phone charger and laptop.

You only need to confide in a Women's Aid charity to access a place of safety and support, and this is highly confidential.

Tell family and friends as little or as much as you feel comfortable with, but you will be able to tell them honestly that you are safe.

If you haven't already, at best you will lose your personality and your soul, at worst, and highly likely given the facts, your life.

Please understand that you have a chance to save yourself, quilts such as the one in the picture are made by victims family and friends to remember their loved ones who died as a result of domestic violence. They are shocking to see.

Please leave today, you will find strength with the right support, all you need is your bag and your life today.

Partner chats online and can get physically abusive if I say anything
Bb234 · 12/07/2023 08:50

He’s a liar and abusive. He could literally kill you he’s been caught out and the lies are getting more full on the more he’s caught, yes he’s cheated obviously and yes he will hurt you even more
why are you staying?

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