Partner chats online and can get physically abusive if I say anything

[Clair001]

Despite being caught again and again chatting to women online and promising to stop, he carries on. On the 14th Feb this year he told me he was going to Cornwall for a work exam but 2 weeks later a parking fine arrived which showed he had been in Swindon, he denied this saying his registration had been cloned but I was able to show that he had been there by using a banking transaction, apparently he had slept in the car all night and then driven around until 1pm when he began to make his way home. More recently it has come to light that he booked a hotel at 08.12 on the 15th (which is very strange since this was the next morning) and wait for it...is saying he didn't use the room...and is even prepared to phone the hotel to prove a no-show. He is ex-military, 6'2" and very well built against my 5'2" but thinks nothing of resorting to physical force such as bending my wrists backwards or applying pressure to my neck if I 'go on' about these things. I actually do feel he is telling the truth about not cheating and think these chat apps are a way of inappropriately dealing with very high stress levels, he has been diagnosed with ptsd but only phones combat stress if he thinks he's going to lose me. Your thoughts on this would be appreciated as I can't divulge this to anyone I know in real life, as it's not like I can untell them afterwards, so am a bit stuck. Thank you

Men that put pressure on the neck of a woman are the most likely to end up killing their partners. Three women a week are killed in the UK by their partners or ex partners, most do nit make the news as it’s so many.

I worked for a DV charity as a volunteer doing fundraising and have met a lot of women who managed to escape.

Just don’t tell him you are planning to leave, don’t use it as a threat to try and make him behave or anything at all Ring women’s aid for advice. A woman has been recently murdered close to where I live by her partner and a Mum of one of the lads DS in my DS football team was killed by her husband a few years ago. DH used to chat to him, seemed like just any other regular bloke. Don’t discuss this with anyone at all unless they can help you leave and you trust them 100%. Remember that many people don’t want to believe how violent men are it’s scares them so they pretend it isn’t happening. Especially if it’s someone they know because it’s hard for them to understand as it’s hidden, it’s a shock.

Good luck and please do not minimise the danger you are in don’t look back at when he is nice, just once round the neck means you are in genuine danger of being killed.

We are 'chatting now' as he is home today. It is nigh on impossible to have a conversation on anything remotely emotional without him yelling at the top of his voice. He says I go on and on and on which is true because this isn't right. I said this morning that I am going to phone a veteran's charity as a family member and speak with them, to which he responded by snatching my phone away as he is terrified of them, anyway I obviously have it back now and he is sitting calmly knowing this is going to happen - as soon as I post this I'm calling and he can't kick off because we have a visitor on the premises, so he's stuffed - they will be told quite a bit more than he would like

No OP, this is dangerous, please do not seek help and remain in the house with him, despite there being support with visitor at this moment you are putting yourself at the highest risk,

Please leave the home to seek help

Leave the house and phone Women's Aid

Why? What will they do?
Why is scared of them? Are you 100% sure he really is ex military?

Just leave and stop making excuses!
Nothing you or anyone else will change him or make him care or respect you.
Do you actually think he loves you if he abuses you?
Get out and stop making excuses. I hope you don't have kids.

Hi OP,
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

This is very serious OP, it might be hard for you to appreciate or see what's really going on because you likely have some sort of a trauma bond with this man.
Please believe us you are in danger and you need to get away from him, please don't waste your time trying to figure him out, he is a danger to you you must get away from him.

Please get in touch with Women’s Aid and arrange to flee this abuser. On average, two women a week are killed by a current or former partner in England and Wales. Do not become part of that frightening statistic.

How are you doing? Only just saw this thread

but thinks nothing of resorting to physical force such as bending my wrists backwards or applying pressure to my neck if I 'go on' about these things

Oh my fucking God OP - GET OUT NOW!!! You are so far gone that you are focusing on the cheating part, you're trying to figure it out, as if it has equal weight to the physical abuse. And then you add this -

think these chat apps are a way of inappropriately dealing with very high stress levels, he has been diagnosed with ptsd

I don't care about his stress levels. You won't have the opportunity to care about his fucking ptsd when you're dead.

Strangulation is the number 1 cause of death in domestic violence situations for women

Leave now and don't tell him you're going. Tell the police first and contact Women's Aid as well.

Zombie thread from last July. Honestly why do people do this?? The OPs hardly ever respond. PM them if you want to know something.

I think you're in danger and need to get away from him now. Oh, and his behaviour sounds absolutely like he is cheating on you, possibly with prostitutes. Sorry, but I think you're deluded for minimising his behaviour on both counts.

Yeah I didn't think of PM! Still new to MN. Apologies for reigniting the thread

Op this man doesn’t love you. People who love you do not apply pressure to you to get you to shut up.

This isn’t about the relationship between the two of you, (abusers can’t do relationships) its about the relationship with yourself. Somewhere in the past you were told that love can be abusive. Probably to cover up an adult’s behaviour and it’s happening again where the false beliefs you were handed as a child are impacting you, the false belief that aKk involve abuse. They never do.