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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Made a mistake on the weekend and can't live with the guilt

76 replies

roldog · 10/07/2023 09:53

Please be gentle on me as I am already beside myself about this.

I was very drunk on Saturday night while out with my boyfriend and our friends. One of the boys who we are friends with ended up chatting to me for a good while, I see him as a good friend but obviously nothing more. It must have gotten quite flirty and he kissed me. Everyone was talking about it and I obviously told my boyfriend, but again I was very very drunk so don't remember the complete full story.

I am now feeling so so shit about myself. To the point I have decided to go sober and completely give up drinking. I love my boyfriend so much and losing him would be the worst thing ever. I just feel like the worst person in the world I hate myself right now.

I don't even know what im looking for with this post, but just wanted to vent to someone 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
roldog · 11/07/2023 08:33

@1983Louise thank you and good point😂 im 25 x

OP posts:
Porageeater · 11/07/2023 08:35

There is a support thread on here somewhere for people giving up alcohol. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Self care is what’s needed now and you have made a positive decision.

Pushmepullu · 11/07/2023 08:44

Please stop drinking. I wish I had given up when I was 26. When I look back to the number of wasted days I had due to alcohol I realise what an idiot I’ve been. I still drink a lot but it doesn’t affect me so much, that’s not much to boast about really.

HowAmYa · 11/07/2023 08:49

Oh my I'd have to find a whole new circle of friends after this, I don't think I'd be able to live it down!
You haven't mentioned what your BFs take is? What does he say? Does he believe the guy who said it was all him and not you?

Original poster
roldog · 11/07/2023 08:53

Thank you all who shared the alcohol support thread, definitely going to join it. I feel like I'm not one of those people who can just have 1 or 2 and call it a night, so I think it's best to give up completely

OP posts:
Original poster
roldog · 11/07/2023 08:55

@HowAmYa I know, I was mortified and still am! Yes he does believe him, I told him the full story and then the boy told him the exact same so I think he knows that it's the truth. He's coming around, obviously upset about it but has agreed that I get in to such bad states that I am unaware of my surroundings

OP posts:
DancingBarefootTonight · 11/07/2023 09:02

If you pushed him away, there’s no issue there. He’s not a friend though. But why are you referring to him as a boy? Is he under 18?

HowAmYa · 11/07/2023 09:06

I think its pretty clear then, going forward you do need to assess alcohol consumption.

Its weird, we all grow up thinking that you get to your teens/20s and that it's normal to get blind drunk on nights our because its almost a rite of passage that everyone goes through. Its just the norm...right?
Its only now in my 30s that I think...no! God no! It's not just the done thing, it's a blindingly obvious indicator that when you get passed a certain level of control during drinking, you make the conscious decision to keep going rather than stopping.
It very much is an issue with your relationship with alcohol. You sound like a lovely person, don't let anyone pass this off as just something that happens when you're blind drunk.

Original poster
roldog · 11/07/2023 09:06

@DancingBarefootTonight god no he's 27. Good point though, no clue why I have been referring to him as a boy I should be saying man 😂

OP posts:
TheModHatter · 11/07/2023 09:09

I wonder if the man who kissed you is in angst ridden turmoil, too?

He kissed you, you pushed him away, you are still you, not some kind of ‘damaged goods’ that your boyfriend can’t approach for the sake of his own honour.

Sure, look at your drinking. If your boyfriend cares about you he will be concerned about the state you get in. Which is not nice to be around whatever does it doesn’t happen. Does he also get in a drunken state?

Original poster
roldog · 11/07/2023 09:34

@HowAmYa thank you so much. I completely agree, and it's so true that once I get to a certain point I just carry on drinking until I no longer know what the hell is going on! It's not normal or acceptable to me or my boyfriend, as it is unfair on him to even be put in this position. It's a real wake up call and I'm just glad that it wasn't something worse

OP posts:
Original poster
roldog · 11/07/2023 09:36

@TheModHatter yes I know, I pushed him away but it was a few seconds before my (very drunken) mind actually processed what was going on. Yes he does get in to his few fair share of states, but nothing like this has happened involving him and another girl

OP posts:
heckmuffin · 11/07/2023 09:49

Definitely get off the booze. I stopped drinking recently so I could stop smoking. And I really like it! Proud of myself, looking better and feel so much more confident and relaxed, knowing that I'm simply not going to do anything silly. Do give it a try. You might be surprised to discover that you don't actually miss it. Good luck x

Original poster
roldog · 11/07/2023 10:07

@heckmuffin that's amazing, well done. So glad to hear that your feeling better after it. I can imagine, I bet it's so nice to wake up on a Sunday with no regrets of what's been done the night before x

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/07/2023 12:36

roldog · 10/07/2023 13:20

@ABugWife no definitely no snogging. He kissed me and I was so drunk that I didn't even realise what was happening, but pushed him away when I realised

Sounds like you were sexually assaulted as you weren't in a state to consent

Original poster
roldog · 11/07/2023 12:52

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I definitely wouldn't say that, I was speaking closely with him and he kissed me. He's a nice boy who was very drunk and got the wrong idea

OP posts:
costacoughee · 11/07/2023 13:07

It was only a kiss so if he gets ridiculous and jealous he needs to get a grip. It's not a pattern of behaviour just a mistake

Original poster
roldog · 11/07/2023 13:13

@costacoughee thank you, I've never actually looked at it like that but it's true. We've been together for almost 3 years and I have never ever done anything or acted in a way to make him not trust me, so one stupid mistake (which wasn't even my fault) shouldn't ruin everything. Although I know it's easy for me to say that

OP posts:
DCINightingale · 11/07/2023 13:19

Hey OP, I think you have shown great self awareness with this and have started to take steps to address it directly - i.e giving up booze. I'm almost 2 months in to a similar decision.

The horrendous feelings of guilt and general unpleasantness will pass with time. What will be will be with your boyfriend. You can't turn the clock and undo what happened back but you can change the narrative for the future by not getting in that position again. And that is exactly what you are doing. Go easy on yourself, we all make mistakes. It's how you learn from them and act on them that really shows your character.

WildUnchartedWaters · 11/07/2023 14:04

I can understand why youre worrying OP. As others have said, consider your relationship with alcohol.

Also, please consider if you gave some flirting signals here for him to kiss you. I understand you were drunk, but if you don't address this, this may happen again and bf might not be so underrstanding next time.

Been there, we all have. Please be kind to you but use it as a learning experience.

Original poster
roldog · 11/07/2023 14:06

@DCINightingale that is so kind, thank you so much. The worst part of all is my boyfriend, I really don't want to lose him over this. I can't imagine my life without him.

He says that he has forgiven me and that we won't break up over this, but I'm not convinced. I can't wait until this horrible feeling goes, I'm hoping I'll start feeling better in a few days

OP posts:
Original poster
roldog · 11/07/2023 14:10

@WildUnchartedWaters thank you so much, I must have given him some sort of signal as I don't think he would have randomly kissed me otherwise, so the conversation must have got flirty but definitely nothing extreme as I don't have eyes for anybody else.

The last thing I ever want is for something like this to happen again, I have never felt like this in my life. I don't want to sound like I'm being dramatic but I can't stop crying and am just dreading every day. Everything was so perfect before this.

OP posts:
MrsHogan · 11/07/2023 15:00

OP was kissed without consent while drunk and people are telling her she probably gave him flirty signals?

Ffs

WildUnchartedWaters · 11/07/2023 15:13

MrsHogan · 11/07/2023 15:00

OP was kissed without consent while drunk and people are telling her she probably gave him flirty signals?

Ffs

Not what I said.

Consent is complicated. I cant think of many people who would say ' can I kiss you now,' 'yes'
By all means tell OP that it's fine because he kissed her and she was drunk. I'm not sure how you think that would help her relationship (as I said in ky post , how many times would her boyfriend tolerate?)

If this was a man posting, everyone would be questioning his version of events. All I am doing is living in the real world where people will.

As I acknowledged, and as we all have said, its easily done and there is no judgement here. What we are saying it's a lesson and a warning to keep an eye on so hwr relationship doesnt go down the pan.

What is your solution? Drink as much as you like, do as you like and hope for the best?

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