Made a mistake on the weekend and can't live with the guilt

[roldog]

Please be gentle on me as I am already beside myself about this.

I was very drunk on Saturday night while out with my boyfriend and our friends. One of the boys who we are friends with ended up chatting to me for a good while, I see him as a good friend but obviously nothing more. It must have gotten quite flirty and he kissed me. Everyone was talking about it and I obviously told my boyfriend, but again I was very very drunk so don't remember the complete full story.

I am now feeling so so shit about myself. To the point I have decided to go sober and completely give up drinking. I love my boyfriend so much and losing him would be the worst thing ever. I just feel like the worst person in the world I hate myself right now.

I don't even know what im looking for with this post, but just wanted to vent to someone 😢

All that means you're a good person, OP. Please stop beating yourself up. You havent killed anyone. You got drunk and something happened that you didnt mean to or want to. Forget about it and learn from it. You sound really nice and so does your boyfriend , I wish you both well.

@WildUnchartedWaters thank you for being so kind, it's making me emotional that people are being so nice to me on here as I am beating myself up so much, you could swear I have had an affair or something with how hard on myself I am being😅

Also, I agree with what you were saying in your below comment regarding flirty signals and I agree. I must have given some impression that I was interested, which is a lesson for me as when I'm drunk I think everybody is my best friend where the reality is that they may be taking it the wrong way

It's always forgivable when a woman does something bad.

And sshss been assaulted etc etc.

'My boyfriend went out and was kissed by a girl, aibu' would look very different.

And it's not remotely helpful to Op in any case, who knows how the land lies and wants to fix it, not be told it's fine.

And that's a nice, endearing way to be.

I was horrified when a friend of mine told me I seemed flirty. I thought I was just being friendly and nice. It's worth knowing ir it's part of your character to preserve you and your relationships.

You didn't do anything wrong. You got drunk with friends. BFs mate was completely out of order and he should take responsibility for his actions. It's not uncommon to feel guilty in this situation but again you did not do anything wrong.

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and trusting the people you are with is sadly something most women decide to moderate after a similar or worse encounter.

I hope you are kind to yourself and don't take the blame and punish yourself for something you didn't do. Sounds like you BF knows he can trust you

@Acornsoup thank you for your lovely comment. I do feel a bit better today, I know I did nothing wrong and he has admitted it was him so there's nothing more I can do really.

My worry is that someone is going to say something to make my bf think that it was me too, a few people were around so would have just saw us "kiss" from their point of view without seeing me pull away. But there's no point worrying about it really, I know what happened and so does he so what other people say is irrelevant really isn't it x

Yes it is :) anyone who would be malicious about it doesn't deserve your friendship

Surely the advice to her boyfriend should be to LTB?

If this was the other way round, that would be the advice from Mumsnet.

”He can’t be trusted”
”Red flags all over this”
”Run for the hills”
”This will be the first of many”

If this is the event that stops you from drinking again, it is a huge win.

Drinking is just too risky for so many reasons...

Sympathy to you roldog. I have been in similar situations when younger and unnecessarily (in retrospect) beaten myself up about it. With hindsight I realised that I spoke to men and women the same, friendly and open, but some men took this as a "come on" and me being totally naive at the time hadn't a clue.

@K8ate but she didn't kiss the guy so that's not appropriate, I hope you can see that? Or do you think women who are assaulted by men are at fault?

I think this is assault and I’ll say again, this is why we need to teach enthusiastic consent.

op, this is not your fault. Sending hugs.

100% agreed

So he made a move on you, and when it registered you pushed him away?

Well not ideal but obviously he made a move on you, so he initiated it?

Learn from it.

But this guy who made a move on you is to be avoided I would think.

Spoilsport 😉😅

No, shes 100 percent right.

If a woman posted saying her bf had been out and a girl kissed him, as if mumsnet would believe or defend him.

It is not assault, but enthusiastic consent is not realistic in the real world.

Could you tell me when you have ever asked permission to kiss anyone?

I said it up thread and il say it again, these sorts of responses purely because shes a woman doesnt help OP. Feminist statements will be no use when she goes out, does it again and loses her relationship. People need to take accountability for their role in situations- there is a huge difference between accountability and blame. And before anyone starts up about victim blaming, it isnt. Nobody actually knows if she gave him flirty signals or not, even herself, because she was drunk

The best advice here is to avoid getting blind drunk and remember whara important- in this case her relationship..

Nobody is beating her up, weve all acknowledged weve all made mistakes. However, blindly defending women has a high cost.

@WildUnchartedWaters do you understand victim blaming?

@WildUnchartedWaters

Defending a woman is high cost  oftfoatfosm

I knew that was coming, and yes, yes I do.

I'm not blaming her. I am however suggesting that in the real world, we all have some accountability in situations that happen. As you've chosen to completely ignore the rest of my post, it is pointless debating with you.

As i said, blindly defending everyone is all well and good, but I'm not sure what good it actually does.

'BLINDLY'defending. Theres a big difference.

You are defending and excusing her actions without no real understanding of what happened.

OP herself has accepted the drink could have been a factor and she doesnt know exactly what happened.

OP thanked me for her kindness a page ago so your riding in to attempt to stir up trouble when OP is actually feeling better and has rectified the situation is just doing more damage.

You wont get a fignt here. I stand by my posts.

@WildUnchartedWaters

This is not a feminist issue, it is a consent issue. It is absolutely reasonable to seek consent, particularly when the other party is drunk or vulnerable.

I will say this and say it again victim blaming is never helpful.

Victim blaming is any response that explicitly states or implies that the victim is to blame for the abuse they have experienced. Victim blaming often revolves around actions that a victim could have taken (or not taken) to avoid experiencing abuse.

People should not need to change their behaviour, never drink, go out and night, talk to friends or even friends of friends. Fortunately working is being does in school to teach enthusiastic consent and hopefully views like yours will become rare.

I'm not here to debate with you. I am here to support the OP. She did nothing wrong end of, no buts or maybes.

Sounds to me from your updates like you kissed him back

I skimmed the first bit , the patronising bit.

Perhaps youd now like to go and address pretty much every poster who said the same?

Perhaps then, when OP and others takes your excellent advice (which isnt being rolled out in schools btw, thankfully they teach accountability too), drink what they like, do as they like, you could come here and advise them on what to do when they run out of friends and relationships.

Out of interest , do your views extend to men or is it just 49 percent of the population you think should behave frankly however they like?