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Original poster

Continuation of relationship after affair.

88 replies

Owlgirl1987 · 10/07/2023 08:25

Hi

I have previously posted about the fact that my husband has had an affair that came out in March.

Things have been all over the place and still are about the woman .

The other woman tells him no contact, but then days / weeks later messages him asking to talk and says about love and feelings etc and then it spirals things up again.

We had spoke about marriage counselling and trying to move forward for each other and our son. We went to the assessment for counselling and the counsellor said we both need to be on the same page of trying the relationship for the counselling to go forwardz so my husband now keeps saying he doesn't know if we are on the same page but in the assessment he was asking her what she can do to help things get better.
The counsellor alo said she has known people in this dame situation who have had counselling and have come out the other side together and better.

I just feel so stuck at the minute as I can't switch off my feelings for my husband and he said he can't for me, but admits he does have feelings for the other woman, but we can both see that all of this is having a negative effect on our son and neither of us want this.

When we talk alot of the time it feels like the same things are being talked about and we end up arguing.

My husband says he doesn't know if he would be happy with me in the future but he also doesn't know if it would work out with the other woman if he was to leave and go to her.

I just need some advice if anyone has been through this kind of situation and if you managed to get through it and how?

How can we have a proper conversation without it turning into an argument?

How can we move on from all of this ?

And if you had marriage counselling, what happens in it and did it help ?

My head is all over the place.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 10/07/2023 08:28

Quite honestly, I would give this up. You're the only one trying to make it work and it's like trying to push a huge boulder up a mountain. Keep your dignity, tell him you're not doing it anymore and that you are out of there. Believe me the shock on his face will be worth it.

You are treating this man like a prize when he really isn't. He doesn't deserve you. You deserve so much better.

EVHead · 10/07/2023 08:32

I don’t think marriage can survive an affair. I refuse to be second best. Don’t waste the one life you have clinging on to someone who’s not prepared to put in the same amount of effort that you are.

LTB.

SallyWD · 10/07/2023 08:33

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It sounds like neither he nor the other woman have moved on. They both still have feelings for each other and neither is letting go.
In this situation I don't see how your marriage can recover. I think I'd want to separate (temporarily at first) so you can both have some time to think about what you want.

Zanatdy · 10/07/2023 08:39

Some people do get over affairs in a marriage and come out stronger and happier. But this guy doesn’t know what he wants and I wouldn’t be sitting around waiting for him to pick me. I’d kick him out and get on with your life, that’s what he deserves. No wonder the counsellor says he needs to make a decision before any counselling would be successful as most couple start counselling from a place whereby the person who has had the affair has cut off the other woman completely and is dedicated to working it out. Your husband doesn’t appear to know what he wants

Stratocumulus · 10/07/2023 08:47

Im so sorry you are going through this. Some of us have been there too and it’s hell on earth. Some of us have come out the other side but only where the couple have both been on the same page and there is contrition and hard work to get the relationship back on track.

In your shoes I’d take control and kick him out. This is a trilogy nobody is happy with; not you, not him, not the OW. He’s keeping you on a string while he makes up his mind.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 10/07/2023 08:49

He isn't done with her and you are worth far more than waiting and hoping he'll pick you. You say you love him - why? He has shat all over you from a great height and is still doing so. He is not who you thought he was and he never will be again. Are you clinging on to loving the person you wish he was? Be honest with yourself. My advice would be to save yourself a lot of future heartache and boot his lying cheating arse out of the door now.

Alifelessweird · 10/07/2023 08:52

My husband says he doesn't know if he would be happy with me in the future but he also doesn't know if it would work out with the other woman if he was to leave and go to her

This comment would kill it for me. He is openly telling you that he is stuck as he can’t decide which relationship will work out best for him. It’s all about him. He is utterly selfish and self-obsessed.

Beamur · 10/07/2023 08:53

If he wants to make it work he has to be all in.
If he's still dithering then he's not.
You don't have to put up with this and I would hope in your shoes i would be prepared to try but only if there was zero further contact with the OW. Any more pick me messages and it's done..

Beamur · 10/07/2023 08:54

Alifelessweird · 10/07/2023 08:52

My husband says he doesn't know if he would be happy with me in the future but he also doesn't know if it would work out with the other woman if he was to leave and go to her

This comment would kill it for me. He is openly telling you that he is stuck as he can’t decide which relationship will work out best for him. It’s all about him. He is utterly selfish and self-obsessed.

This is cowardly.
He's trying to make you make the decision..

JohnOgloat · 10/07/2023 08:56

Stop playing the 'pick me' dance whilst he cake eats.

Gather yourself esteem off the floor and get tough with him. It hurts, really hurts, I understand this but he is abusing you and you're colluding with him in this abuse by allowing him to dither. He's playing you for a mug and you're worth far more.

I'd be showing him the door and your intentions to divorce and move on with life.

baconcrisp · 10/07/2023 08:58

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

80s · 10/07/2023 09:01

My husband says he doesn't know if he would be happy with me in the future but he also doesn't know if it would work out with the other woman if he was to leave and go to her.
This is the bit that stood out for me, too. He's saying that he'd leave you if he knew it would work out with her. But he's too cowardly to leave without being sure.

counsellor said we both need to be on the same page of trying the relationship for the counselling to go forwardz so my husband now keeps saying he doesn't know if we are on the same page
He used this same wording? - literally saying he's not on the same page (so the relationship will not go forward) but again too cowardly to make it definite (I don't know if...").

The counsellor alo said she has known people in this dame situation who have had counselling and have come out the other side together and better.
Sure. People who ARE on the same page.

Do you want to stay with this inconsiderate coward?

Rockschooldropout · 10/07/2023 09:03

“If you are torn between me and someone else, don’t choose me “
stop playing the “pick me game” - it’s time to walk away and make the decision for him .
I spent years trying to get ex h to “choose “ me over OW .. in the end I left and he went to the OW and they are now married .. as am I .. to a kind respectful man who thinks he is the luckiest man alive . You are worth so much more than this , time to raise your bar because if you don’t this could go in for years while he sits on the fence , emotionally destroying you in the process

80s · 10/07/2023 09:03

The other woman tells him no contact, but then days / weeks later messages him asking to talk
Why does the other woman decide whether they have no contact? Why has he not blocked her so she can't message him? That is not a rhetorical question.

CapEBarra · 10/07/2023 09:04

Your husband does not want to be with you but is too cowardly to say so and is trying to get you to pull the plug. Seriously, if he really wanted to commit to the marriage and the relationship with you, he would do that and it would show in his words and his actions. This isn’t rocket science and men are not that complicated; if they want to be with you, you know it. He does not but is probably a bit reluctant to give up home comforts until he pins down the OW. Your best bet is to take control and end the relationship - at least then you will get closure and be able to move on, and maybe meet someone who deserves you and won’t cheat on you.

ButterCrackers · 10/07/2023 09:07

This is an ego booster for your dh - two women and he just can’t decide and doesn’t know what he wants. What self indulgent nonsense. Put yourself first. Do you want to stay with this disrespect for you? You have self worth. Tell him that you are also deciding between him and being on your own and going back to dating. That you don’t know if you want the stress and disrespect to you from the other woman and your dh now and in the future. Plan a weekend away by yourself. Show your dh that you have your own life.

kraftyKitten · 10/07/2023 09:09

Why is she still messaging your husband . ? Why hasn't he blocked and deleted her ? He's a Cake Man .

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/07/2023 09:11

Why hasn’t be blocked her?!

I think he’s trying to make you end it so he doesn’t have to. Telling you he’s basically in love with another woman and wants to be with her, but he still loves you and doesn’t want to end the status quo of wife and kid is beyond cruel.

Myeyessting · 10/07/2023 09:11

Look on surviving infidelity website

justanothermanicmonday1 · 10/07/2023 09:13

"If it's between me and another woman, I hope to god my DP chooses the other woman, because if he really loved me there wouldn't be a second choice".

Leave.

kraftyKitten · 10/07/2023 09:14

He's hoping you will kick him out so he doesn't look a shit for walking out on his family . If he moves in with this woman he probably thinks if it doesn't work out you will take him back .

Frankola · 10/07/2023 09:21

If you had come on here and said "my husband had an affair but now we are having counselling. He's cut all contact with affair partner and is trying so hard but my head is all over the place" I would have said keep working on your marriage.

However. He is still in contact with her. He has told you he still has feelings for her. Quite frankly it sounds like he's stringing you along. He doesn't even sound invested in marriage counselling if he's still communicating with his affair partner.

Regardless of how much I love my husband. If I were in your situation with him I'd tell him to go. He's destroying you. Look at how he made you feel by having an affair and how he is still treating you now. You shouldn't have to feel second best to anyone.

PimmsandCucumbers · 10/07/2023 09:25

You are doing everything on your side.

He is not. He has not changed, and is still ‘keeping the other woman’ on hand, which is frankly disgusting behaviour.

That is your main issue and one that you cannot control. You do not deserve to be treated like this even now. Basically how dare he? You have given him a second chance and he is still ‘faffing around’ saying he ‘has feelings’.

I feel for you, cheating is horrible and for me it’s a form of emotional abuse. My Ex did this to me, I also gave him another chance. I gave him two chances, and then in therapy he revealed he ‘wasn’t sure’ about our relationship.

I realised later it was a lot to do with control. My Ex liked the feeling of me being totally committed to him, and that he was able to not give the same. As soon as I pulled away he love bombed me, was very sorry etc. Then when I ‘came back’ he became ‘conflicted’ and ‘unsure’. It’s a way of keeping me never on a stable footing, like yourself. You are not I guess feeling very unsure, trying even harder possibly, and insecure as his ‘feelings’ for the other woman won’t be great for how you feel about yourself, right? There he is, able to ‘dangle’ two women who both want him. And you end up grasping for crumbs, like I did. And as we did this our kids are watching us, seeing us wanting our husbands but them being quite emotionally distant with us.

80s · 10/07/2023 09:27

I just need some advice if anyone has been through this kind of situation and if you managed to get through it and how?
How? I spied on his emails and saw exactly what he'd been saying to the OW. Then I put the pressure on for him to leave. When he was gone, the situation in the house improved immediately. I had counselling and medication, which not only helped with the short-term situation but also improved my mental health in the long term. I slowly found the old me again, from before I met my exh. After a couple of years I did some dating just for fun. Came across a man I get along with a lot better than I ever did with my exh; it's been eye-opening. By now the kids are both grown up, the exh and I have no need to see each other but if we do there's no stress. It didn't work out with him and OW, which probably makes it a bit less awkward for the kids.

If I hadn't read his emails I'd have stayed longer in limbo, as you are now. They helped me understand that all the "I don't know if ..." was bollocks.

Iamclearlyamug · 10/07/2023 09:30

I don't think you can make this work.

He's literally dangling you on a string, and basically saying 'I'd like to try out this other woman, but I want you to hang around so I can come back if it doesn't work out'

Raise your bar - why do you think you deserve to be the option rather than the choice?

You need to set an example for your child too