Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Continuation of relationship after affair.

88 replies

Owlgirl1987 · 10/07/2023 08:25

Hi

I have previously posted about the fact that my husband has had an affair that came out in March.

Things have been all over the place and still are about the woman .

The other woman tells him no contact, but then days / weeks later messages him asking to talk and says about love and feelings etc and then it spirals things up again.

We had spoke about marriage counselling and trying to move forward for each other and our son. We went to the assessment for counselling and the counsellor said we both need to be on the same page of trying the relationship for the counselling to go forwardz so my husband now keeps saying he doesn't know if we are on the same page but in the assessment he was asking her what she can do to help things get better.
The counsellor alo said she has known people in this dame situation who have had counselling and have come out the other side together and better.

I just feel so stuck at the minute as I can't switch off my feelings for my husband and he said he can't for me, but admits he does have feelings for the other woman, but we can both see that all of this is having a negative effect on our son and neither of us want this.

When we talk alot of the time it feels like the same things are being talked about and we end up arguing.

My husband says he doesn't know if he would be happy with me in the future but he also doesn't know if it would work out with the other woman if he was to leave and go to her.

I just need some advice if anyone has been through this kind of situation and if you managed to get through it and how?

How can we have a proper conversation without it turning into an argument?

How can we move on from all of this ?

And if you had marriage counselling, what happens in it and did it help ?

My head is all over the place.

OP posts:
booksandbrews · 10/07/2023 14:45

It is possible to reconcile after an affair. But only if both people are fully committed and willing to do the work. The first thing that needs to happen is zero contact with the affair partner. No exceptions. If your husband isn’t willing to even do that, there’s no hope for reconciliation. I’m so sorry OP.

Londisc · 10/07/2023 14:55

OP, I see you are saying that you want to stay together not just for yourself but for your son. Staying in this situation and dragging it out could be very detrimental not just for your son's emotional well-being but also for his relationship with you in the long run. You need to be brave now, for you and you and your son because it is a distressing way for you to exist and it affects everything in ways you are not conscious of right now. You deserve much better than this. You can do it.

Alifelessweird · 10/07/2023 15:16

Tighginn · 10/07/2023 12:55

Not just cheating, paternal alienation, coercive control, serious financial abuse, the list goes on. The Samaritans are a great bunch of lads too. Hysterical and suicidal, when I told them I had no one, I was told that can't be ture. Stand on your doorstep and breath in the roses...is their anything else? The ridiculous of it all helped.

Show quote history

I’m sorry you had that experience. I have phoned the Samaritans quite a few times and found them to be excellent, accepting and non-judge mental. They made me feel there was someone who listened and cared.

It is a service provided by individuals though, so obviously the quality will vary and you sound like you unfortunately got a chump on the end of the phone that day.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 10/07/2023 15:32

Sorry that you and your son are going through this. And I'm going to gently echo what the others have said. I don't think this relationship is worth the continuous heartbreak. He's using both of you as place markers and waiting to see who fits best on the day of his choosing. It wont work unless hes committed to making it work with you. And, even then you may find that you can't reconcile with whats happened. That's no way to live. Both you and your son deserve better.

altmember · 10/07/2023 15:35

Counselling a complete waste of time until he makes up his mind and commits to either you or the OW. Or you could make the decision yourself and tell him to sling his hook.

LifeExperience · 10/07/2023 15:47

I've been exactly where you are and my marriage did not survive.

Crikeyalmighty · 10/07/2023 16:17

I found out about my Hs dodgy behaviour years after it happened. He was absolutely mortified that I now knew he wasn't infallible and even though he made every effort to 'make it right' I've never felt 100% the same since. If he had been acting like your H, there would have been no second chance whatsoever. He's simply hedging his bets . If he really really cared enough this wouldn't be happening. I think I would just pull the plug OP or it could go on like this for years.

omgsally · 10/07/2023 16:25

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/07/2023 08:28

Quite honestly, I would give this up. You're the only one trying to make it work and it's like trying to push a huge boulder up a mountain. Keep your dignity, tell him you're not doing it anymore and that you are out of there. Believe me the shock on his face will be worth it.

You are treating this man like a prize when he really isn't. He doesn't deserve you. You deserve so much better.

A thousand times this.

Hibiscrubbed · 10/07/2023 17:25

My husband says he doesn't know if he would be happy with me in the future but he also doesn't know if it would work out with the other woman if he was to leave and go to her.

So he doesn’t know if he’s be happy with you.

But he’s worried that the other woman might dump him down the line so he’s…settling for you?

Wow. You must feel so special.

Not only that, you’re playing the pick-me dance, despite the pair of them still essentially carrying on in front of you with all these texts. Is he still seeing her? Probably.

He must think he’s got it made. He has two women after him, neither of which are telling him to fuck off and die, which is frankly what he deserves.

Daffodil18 · 10/07/2023 17:33

I am in the same situation as you as I found out about the affair in April. Anyway since then DH cut all contact and is desperately trying to get me back. I still do not know what to do but if he showed any feelings towards OW or any behaviour that does not support us then I would definitely kick him to the curb.

Ihatethis1 · 10/07/2023 17:36

I've already wrote about this but it might help you, so basically i've been with my partner for 8 years, know him 14. We have 2 children 7 & 4. Our relationship is good, have nice house etc.

9 months ago he comes home from work with lipstick on his mouth (works as a doorman) - denied until he was blue in the face that anything happened, claimed he must have drank from a dirty glass and lipstick transferred to his beard. I'm not stupid, he's obviously lying so I tell him I'm going to his workplace to find out what happened. K so, he freaked out, got me barred from the place before I even got there (his doorman friends stopped me getting in.)

Eventually later that night he admitted to kissing a random customer, he regretted it and felt awful. Ok ok, everyone makes mistakes.

But after that he seemed distant, different. He was being secretive with his phone. I figured he just felt guilty so tried to reassure him everything would be ok.

After a few weeks he tells me the truth. Hes fell in love with one of the bar-staff. Obviously my heart is broken. For days I beg him to try work things out with me as I love him. He told me he can't, it wouldn't be fair to himself to give up on his chance of happiness or to this girl as she feels the same way about him.

He apologises for hurting me but wanted to do right in the end and that means being happy. Eventually I say 'ok, your happiness means more to me than anything else, if she's going to make you happy then go for it' - I leave the house for some air and so he can ring this new girl and tell her about how he's now single etc and see where they go from there. I get a call 5 mins later from him crying his eyes out -hes saying he does still love me, me putting him in front of myself made him realise that.

We give it another go, I said the only way it will work is if you cut all ties with the girl. So he leaves working at that bar and rings the girl to let her know he has chosen me, then cuts all contact with the girl.

We did actually get back together and everything was how it should have been so there is hope, as long as all ties are completely cut!

However my story doesn't have a happy ending as 2 weeks ago my partner admitted that when he started working at a new bar months later - he fell in love with yet another bar staff. This time he fully finished me, and is now with her.

I can't just turn the love off, the same as you. But we can't keep doing this to ourselves.

I also want to add another little snippet of information (I don't know if it's relevant) my ex has bipolar and wasn't taking his meds, apparently when in manic phases that can make them fall in love extremely quickly even when they love someone else.

If you need anything you know where I am, I know just how hard this is for you

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 10/07/2023 17:40

So he wants his cake and to eat it

Fuck him off and make the decision for him. See a solicitor

80s · 10/07/2023 18:03

I leave the house for some air and so he can ring this new girl and tell her about how he's now single etc and see where they go from there. I get a call 5 mins later from him crying his eyes out -hes saying he does still love me, me putting him in front of myself made him realise that.
Or possibly, when he rang, she wasn't ready to leave her partner/did not want to start a new life with him after all?
But yes, before I had evidence of his affair, I asked my exh if he wanted to break up - in nice adult terms, not blaming him for anything. For five minutes, he agreed that yes, it would probably be best. I felt relieved that we had finally had a proper conversation. Then a minute later he got cold feet and said he wasn't sure again. Many of them are too cowardly to make an adult decision, hence the affair.

frozendaisy · 10/07/2023 18:13

You are his back up plan until someone better comes along. He wants to make sure his socks are washed and toilet is cleaned, that a meal is on the table when he wants it.

If you are happy with this they stay. But expect him to remain unfaithful until he finds someone he thinks is better. It might be this woman,it might not, but it will be someone at some time.

He should be crawling across broken glass begging your forgiveness. He's not doing that is he?

Stop doing anything for him. Stop all household and sex duties and see how long this "oh I might try my best to stay" nonsense lasts.

Eva6437 · 10/07/2023 22:49

im so sorry that this has happened to you. I would separate from your DH, even if it was temporary - just so that you both have some space to clear your heads and see what you both want.

Personally, it would be a dealbreaker for me - knowing they still have feelings for someone they’ve had an affair with, but he’s also stringing you along by saying “he doesn’t know if it’ll work out” if he went off with the other woman- is that why he’s staying with you? because he’s of being alone / return to you if things don’t work out?
Sorry it doesn’t work like that!

you deserve better than this.

MsDogLady · 11/07/2023 06:03

OwlGirl, you have a deep desire to reunite and move forward, but your Husband’s past/present infidelity, manipulative deflections, and noncommittal attitude make that impossible. It’s time to take this serial cheat off the pedestal.

This betrayal was brutal. A 3-year affair with his Friend’s Partner. OW was your good friend, and you all socialized together. This disgusting, sneaky pair chose to humiliate you and her P. When he discovered their cheating, he dumped OW and told you all about it.

His past unfaithful behavior, that you know of, includes kissing a colleague and flirting/messaging/becoming close/receiving nudes from another. As he is obviously lying about having sex only 2 times with the current OW, he is also likely minimizing about the others. He accuses you of suffocating him if you dare question him or express your boundaries, a manipulative tactic to make you back off.

H told you a several weeks ago that he can’t live without OW and cannot make efforts to rebuild your trust. She is clearly calling the shots. She recently threw a tantrum when H did an activity with DS. He then made plans to spend the night of June 17 with her. When you reminded him that the following day was Father’s Day and that DS loved presenting his gifts first thing in the morning, he trashed that tradition and said dinner time would have to do.

OW has requested NC but is manipulating H by yo-yoing with that, keeping him hooked, and he is lapping up her crumbs. He has set up this validation triangle, a dangerous place for you to dwell. If you value your and DS’s emotional safety and well-being, you’ll break free before you’re completely diminished.

OwlGirl, please listen to the truth: If he were truly remorseful and invested, he would quickly and definitively cut contact with OW and would pour all his energy and focus into working on his character flaws and helping you heal. He would put himself in the mind-set required by the counselor: ALL IN with his efforts. NOT on the fence.

Original poster
Owlgirl1987 · 11/07/2023 07:34

The whole situation is horrible.

I think should I just give up and he goes to the other woman, but then I think I love him and care about him and why should I give it all up, we haven't had the worst marriage. We have been together for 17 years, we've had ups and downs, like any other couple, but got through them.

I feel like if he goes to her he will rub it in my face and then even if it wasn't what he was thinking it would be, he is stubborn and wouldn't admit it.

I think to myself does he think it would all be exciting etc with her as its like a new relationship and obviously when they have been together they haven't got the responsibility of kids, housework, normal everyday stuff like when he was with me and she was with her partner.

He had a go at me a few weeks ago because I was saying about giving this relationship a chance and saying how hurt I would be without him and how everything would be fucked up and he would tell me I was relentless, but now the other woman keeps sending him messages every few days calling him names and saying he doesn't care and she wishes she was giving up on someone who didn't care so then he feels shit because he's hurt her.i told him to block her and he said he will do, he just needs time, but he isant responding to her messages. She then messages him saying she is going to delete him.

I feel like if he wanted to leave me and not give us a chance and he wanted to be with her so much he would have left the house and found elsewhere to stay.

He told me to book the marriage counselling which we had the initial assessment and have got a further appointment tomorrow, will have to ask him tonight if he is actually coming to it because if he doesn't I will have to go by myself or loose the money.

We have a 9 year old son who is being affected by all of this, not just hearing us argue, but my husband a few weeks ago when we would argue or she would wsnt to see him he would just go and leave for hours and our son would ask me questions like ' why does daddy keep leaving' ' why would daddy hurt you and cheat on you ' ' I don't want my family split up and us all live apart ' , I've noticed changes in his behaviour and little things like he went to a friends party and normally he just goes and plays and only wants to find me at the end of the party, but this time he kept looking for me and when he was eating he was saying mummy don't leave me, stay with me. So he keeps thinking either me or his dad is going to leave him all the time.

I've told him I can't keep watching him leave to go to speak to her and then come back, it's breaking me more and more inside.

I'm signed off work at the minute, but my sick note runs out next week, I dont want to go back as I do a very stressful demanding job, but there's some days I just sit at home and think and cry all day and then have to try and put a brave face on when it's time to collect my son from school.

Sometimes I feel stupid wanting to give this marriage a chance because what if he hates me for asking him to stay, what if the trust can't be rebuilt. But then I think if I don't give things a chance for myself, for us and my son and just live apart with shared custody I know I will hate it and will I regret not fighting for it to see if it will work.

OP posts:
User63847484848 · 11/07/2023 07:37

I’m really sorry OP but it doesn’t sound like he’s even that sorry, or regretful or sure that he wants to stay, sounds like he wants to go but is afraid of the practical implications. I’m sorry but I would accept it’s over. He may well regret it and it might not work out with her but that’s on him.

User63847484848 · 11/07/2023 07:39

Your son will be ok, he will adjust, this limbo and uncertainty isn’t great but once things are clear he’ll be ok

SallyWD · 11/07/2023 08:44

Owlgirl1987 · 11/07/2023 07:34

The whole situation is horrible.

I think should I just give up and he goes to the other woman, but then I think I love him and care about him and why should I give it all up, we haven't had the worst marriage. We have been together for 17 years, we've had ups and downs, like any other couple, but got through them.

I feel like if he goes to her he will rub it in my face and then even if it wasn't what he was thinking it would be, he is stubborn and wouldn't admit it.

I think to myself does he think it would all be exciting etc with her as its like a new relationship and obviously when they have been together they haven't got the responsibility of kids, housework, normal everyday stuff like when he was with me and she was with her partner.

He had a go at me a few weeks ago because I was saying about giving this relationship a chance and saying how hurt I would be without him and how everything would be fucked up and he would tell me I was relentless, but now the other woman keeps sending him messages every few days calling him names and saying he doesn't care and she wishes she was giving up on someone who didn't care so then he feels shit because he's hurt her.i told him to block her and he said he will do, he just needs time, but he isant responding to her messages. She then messages him saying she is going to delete him.

I feel like if he wanted to leave me and not give us a chance and he wanted to be with her so much he would have left the house and found elsewhere to stay.

He told me to book the marriage counselling which we had the initial assessment and have got a further appointment tomorrow, will have to ask him tonight if he is actually coming to it because if he doesn't I will have to go by myself or loose the money.

We have a 9 year old son who is being affected by all of this, not just hearing us argue, but my husband a few weeks ago when we would argue or she would wsnt to see him he would just go and leave for hours and our son would ask me questions like ' why does daddy keep leaving' ' why would daddy hurt you and cheat on you ' ' I don't want my family split up and us all live apart ' , I've noticed changes in his behaviour and little things like he went to a friends party and normally he just goes and plays and only wants to find me at the end of the party, but this time he kept looking for me and when he was eating he was saying mummy don't leave me, stay with me. So he keeps thinking either me or his dad is going to leave him all the time.

I've told him I can't keep watching him leave to go to speak to her and then come back, it's breaking me more and more inside.

I'm signed off work at the minute, but my sick note runs out next week, I dont want to go back as I do a very stressful demanding job, but there's some days I just sit at home and think and cry all day and then have to try and put a brave face on when it's time to collect my son from school.

Sometimes I feel stupid wanting to give this marriage a chance because what if he hates me for asking him to stay, what if the trust can't be rebuilt. But then I think if I don't give things a chance for myself, for us and my son and just live apart with shared custody I know I will hate it and will I regret not fighting for it to see if it will work.

I don't know what to say to all this! You clearly desperately still want him and I have no idea why. Seriously what more does he need to do to you before you call it a day? I know it's scary splitting up but nothing is worse than this.
Your poor, poor son having to live in this environment. He deserves better.

Londisc · 11/07/2023 08:55

OP you do need to be honest with yourself here. He has been having an affair for the last 4 years of your 12-year marriage and nearly half of your son's life. You have said last month that he won't give up the OW but you are stuck living together because of finances, not because he has any desire to be there. Kids are ok when there is certainty, stability, calm. When they know when they are going to see each parent and that they are loved by each parent. The current situation is hugely destabilising. You need to take control of the situation because spineless H is bringing his and OW's selfish whims and tantrums into your son's home. This is not about 'giving up' it is about taking back control of your life which you have not had for some time now.

Beamur · 11/07/2023 09:08

You're so used to cruddy crumbs you have lost sight of what a loving, respectful relationship even looks like.
This sentence jumps out to me i feel like if he goes to her he will rub it in my face
Can you not step back and see how messed up this all is?
Your husband disrespects you perpetually, is a repeat cheater and puts his feelings above everyone else. He really is no prize.
I guarantee you will be happier without him. Your son is already being damaged by the situation.

omgsally · 11/07/2023 09:14

Love isn't enough sometimes. You can love him but still leave him. Your poor son caught in the crossfire of all this. Leave for his sake if not your own. Hearing you both arguing, plus the tension and angst will do your son lifelong damage.

Morewineplease10 · 11/07/2023 09:25

Leave him. I didn't and he lied to me and then left me after I was thoroughly trauma bonded and suicidal.

At least yours has been more honest about her.

And I'm sorry. It's fucking horrible. Agree he's not done with her.

Let him go to her, hard as it is. Xx

unbelieveable22 · 11/07/2023 09:33

You are both damaging your son and this will only get worse. I cannot understand why you are clinging on to someone who shows no respect for you, your marriage or your son.

Swipe left for the next trending thread