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Original poster

Continuation of relationship after affair.

88 replies

Owlgirl1987 · 10/07/2023 08:25

Hi

I have previously posted about the fact that my husband has had an affair that came out in March.

Things have been all over the place and still are about the woman .

The other woman tells him no contact, but then days / weeks later messages him asking to talk and says about love and feelings etc and then it spirals things up again.

We had spoke about marriage counselling and trying to move forward for each other and our son. We went to the assessment for counselling and the counsellor said we both need to be on the same page of trying the relationship for the counselling to go forwardz so my husband now keeps saying he doesn't know if we are on the same page but in the assessment he was asking her what she can do to help things get better.
The counsellor alo said she has known people in this dame situation who have had counselling and have come out the other side together and better.

I just feel so stuck at the minute as I can't switch off my feelings for my husband and he said he can't for me, but admits he does have feelings for the other woman, but we can both see that all of this is having a negative effect on our son and neither of us want this.

When we talk alot of the time it feels like the same things are being talked about and we end up arguing.

My husband says he doesn't know if he would be happy with me in the future but he also doesn't know if it would work out with the other woman if he was to leave and go to her.

I just need some advice if anyone has been through this kind of situation and if you managed to get through it and how?

How can we have a proper conversation without it turning into an argument?

How can we move on from all of this ?

And if you had marriage counselling, what happens in it and did it help ?

My head is all over the place.

OP posts:
KPops22 · 10/07/2023 09:32

My husband says he doesn't know if he would be happy with me in the future but he also doesn't know if it would work out with the other woman if he was to leave and go to her.

He's a prick - why are you even bothering? I understand that you may be fearful of life without him but honestly it can only get better than this pile of shit you have currently.

CBlondie88 · 10/07/2023 09:35

Focus on yourself. I've been here and found it extremely hard until I surrounded myself with friends. Starting going out more and enjoying myself..focusing more on making myself happy rather than continuing to treat him like the prize. Xx

Ansjovis · 10/07/2023 09:36

Your relationship is dead. One of you just needs to get the courage to pull the trigger. For the sake of your child, let that person be you.

After an affair, the ONLY acceptable behaviour from a cheating spouse is to completely cut off the affair partner and FULLY commit themselves to saving the relationship. He is still in touch with her and is behaving like such a wet lettuce about moving forward with you. His indifference is staggering. You deserve more than indifference and so does your child.

PopsicleHustler · 10/07/2023 09:38

Hes an absolute pig.

Please don't do the pick me dance.

He can get stuffed if he still has feelings and considering whether or not things would work with her ! Let him go, op.

PopsicleHustler · 10/07/2023 09:39

Well put @Ansjovis
Well said @Alifelessweird

Frogmila · 10/07/2023 09:44

I'm so sorry this is happening but I think you need to give most weight to what he is saying and doing, not hopeful stories from the counsellor or your own wishes to put things right.

He has said he is not sure, he has feelings for OW and is in touch with her having inappropriate conversations for a man who wants to save his marriage.

He's being honest at least but he would need to be fully repentant, wanting to repair the relationship and prioritise you for this to have any chance. Save your dignity and let this go. No shame in that. You've given your marriage a chance, he isn't on the same page.

He can't honestly expect you to just absorb his indecision about you and ongoing feelings for OW as well as the actual infidelity.

If I'm brutally honest I'm not sure he sounds desperate to. He likely doesn't want to lose the good and comfortable bits or be the bad guy but he isn't engaged enough to have drawn a clear line to move forward from. You deserve more.

Tresto · 10/07/2023 09:54

You need to do the 180.
At the moment his i cant make a decision IS a decision he wants to cake eat. The security and stability and love of his wife plus the ego boost, kibbles and adoration of another person.

Read the surviving infidelity website. Read not just friends. Read how to help your spouse heal. At the moment he in still in la la land.

You are the prize. He is a man with not integrity, morals and he is low value. I’m not saying he can’t change but at the moment he does not respect himself enough to be true to the vows HE chose to make! Only he can make this change. He may not have the ability to do so.

You need to detach. Sadly this is often the only way to save it. I have been there and I said I love you, I want our marriage but I am not putting up with this nonsense so stay or go but I’m not being involved in this bullshit. The pain and devestation since has been awful for all. It takes 2-5 years to recover.

if he decides to stay then You need counselling to see if you think you have a marriage worth saving. Keep that close to your chest while going through the motions with him. You need to watch him carefully as he is broken in other ways that you probably haven’t noticed. conflict avoidant, selfish are usual traits.

When you lift the rug on yourself and your marriage and climb into the basement you’ll see if you even want him. Use this for personal growth because that is the only gift you will get from this bullshit situation.

But DETACH . 180. And control what you can - which is get yourself out of infidelity.

Nelly10 · 10/07/2023 10:01

Honestly get out.

Trust has gone.

You cannot be married to someone who isn’t sure about you. He’s not a man.

Leave him, get some strength up and go forward with your life only way.

SallyWD · 10/07/2023 10:02

If he was serious about saving his marriage he would have told OW, immediately blocked her and he'd be making a huge effort to work on your relationship and earn back your trust.
Instead he's telling you he's not sure about a future with you, that he still has feelings for her, that he's still in touch with her. I really don't see any conceivable way you can continue with tye marriage.
The only positive thing is that he's being honest here. You know where you stand at least.

crazeekat · 10/07/2023 10:07

i'm sorry but ur hubs and is using u like an option.
if the ow wanted nothing to do with him at all so u think he would still be on different pages from u? no he would be putting 100% into ur marriage for fear of u leaving too.
remove his options, you will see the real him and you deserve more. the fact he is even saying like he still has feelings etc is him wanting a guilt free pass for when he goes back to her again.
so urself a favour hun, get ur self respect and divorce. hard when u love him still but the mutual respect is not there. sorry op x

DixonD · 10/07/2023 10:10

This is not going to work.

You need to claw back some dignity and be the one who makes the choice to end things if he’s not going to. He has two women dangling waiting to see who gets to to win this “prize.” Fuck that; and fuck him.

FartSock5000 · 10/07/2023 10:22

@Owlgirl1987 you are doing the "pick me" dance with him and you have already lost.

There is no marriage left to save because he is NOT sorry and he is NOT trying. He is doing the bare minimum he can to appease you but not actually putting real effort into rebuilding trust.

Please just end it. He is a liar who cheats and he will do it again.

You are mourning the man you thought he was. The man you married and fell for. He isn't that man anymore.

Let him go so you can move on with your life. You'll look back one day and regret how you begged and fought to keep him when he was still talking to his mistress.

For you own dignity, esteem and sanity - just end it.

Your child will suffer more in the long run when this relationship implodes than he will with a clean break.

unsync · 10/07/2023 10:22

He might benefit from counselling to work out which way he wants to go. Personally, I wouldn't be waiting for him to make that decision. If you really don't want to leave, a separation whilst he sorts himself out might be worth trying. How much are you willing to put up with for him and is he worth it?

KPops22 · 10/07/2023 11:44

I just remembered a friend of mine - her H left her for another woman , she moved away and started a new life without him then they got back together again. He said he couldn't make his mind up . She packed up her life and moved back to be with him and then he did it again to her with the same woman 6 weeks later .Some men are really not worth it.

chocobaby · 10/07/2023 11:50

Why are you here asking questions when he has basically told you he isn’t ready to fight for you? Why do we feel we need to carry a relationship or marriage on our backs as women? We don’t! It ALWAYS takes 2. I tried it once and it broke me. All that’s left for you to do in this case is to file for divorce and allow your husband to go and experience that woman fully. Save your dignity and self worth. The person you’re fighting for isn’t worth it.

Fraaahnces · 10/07/2023 11:53

“He says he doesn’t know if he would be happy with you.”
He is not committed to saving your relationship.

OW holds the cards atm. She contacts him, sets the rules and he is dangling.

You are currently a place-marker - his fallback just in case things don’t work out with her.

Take control and leave.

Tighginn · 10/07/2023 11:56

Honestly, I am in a very similar situation. I think I knew our long relationship was always one-sided, but took to knowing that he could be sexually involved with someone, take them out and involve them in a way he didn't with me. I feel physically sick at the thought of it, that's when I knew I genuinely loved him and he never gave a crap. When I called women's aid I was expecting lots of advice, but it was short and sharp, 'it's just what they do'...

monsteramunch · 10/07/2023 11:58

@Tighginn

When I called women's aid I was expecting lots of advice, but it was short and sharp, 'it's just what they do'...

You called women's aid and were told that cheating is 'just what men do'? You need to make a formal complaint if so, that's horrific and entirely out of line with their procedures.

Superdupes · 10/07/2023 12:11

Why would he make a decision when he has both of you vying for his attention? He doesn't want you - unless that is, she decides she doesn't want him - then he'll stick with you as you're better than nothing.

Why don't you take back control and make the decision for him?

SpringleDingle · 10/07/2023 12:48

Go and read CHUMP LADY. He wants his cake and to eat it to.. Find your anger. What a fucking bastard he is and how DARE he treat you this way!

pinklama · 10/07/2023 12:54

My husband says he doesn't know if he would be happy with me in the future but he also doesn't know if it would work out with the other woman if he was to leave and go to her.

so what you can see here is that this is all about what suits your husband. Men usually won’t leave unless they have another woman\bed lined up to go straight into. He is not concerned about you or your son.

he will not be happy with either of you but what you do know is that he is not committed to this marriage. You need to make the best call for you and your son.

Tighginn · 10/07/2023 12:55

monsteramunch · 10/07/2023 11:58

@Tighginn

When I called women's aid I was expecting lots of advice, but it was short and sharp, 'it's just what they do'...

You called women's aid and were told that cheating is 'just what men do'? You need to make a formal complaint if so, that's horrific and entirely out of line with their procedures.

Not just cheating, paternal alienation, coercive control, serious financial abuse, the list goes on. The Samaritans are a great bunch of lads too. Hysterical and suicidal, when I told them I had no one, I was told that can't be ture. Stand on your doorstep and breath in the roses...is their anything else? The ridiculous of it all helped.

larkstar · 10/07/2023 14:28

Beamur · 10/07/2023 08:54

This is cowardly.
He's trying to make you make the decision..

Show quote history

Exactly.

What an pathetic wimp that guy is.

Either he grows himself a backbone to make a decision or you make it for him.

Why anyone would put up with being messed about like this beats me.

Life is full of decisions, most of them are inconsequential - "What colour should we paint this wall?" etc. - only a handful really matter and this is one of those that does matter and it is a decision that does have to be made - that's what adults do - they make decisions and then most importantly they go on to try and do whatever it takes to try and make that decision work out as intended.

Children generally are only able to make decisions that factor in their own wants - adults can and do make decisions that factor in the needs and interests of all involved - so who is able to be an adult decision maker here? You? Him? Or are you expecting the counsellor to do this for you? (Hint:That's not their role)

If he can't make the decision in the first place
a) I'd have no confidence at all that he could make it work one way or the other.
b) You need to step in and take charge - think and act like an adult.

I'm sorry you're in this mess. He's the one that's f&cked up. He should be falling over himself to try and put this right - not you.

Something needs to change. If talking is leading to arguments with no signs of any progress then why continue to do the same thing over and over? Give the tree a shake, do something different and take it from there - there is probably no one simple thing you can do or decide that will help you find a way forward - it's going to be a process, a series of decisions that will go first one way and then another - better to do something different than to stay in limbo. You might think - it's too complicated and too emotional a situation but sooner or later you'll get back to this point where you realise you need to change the narrative, make decisions and do something different - it's no fun living in limboland.

I want to say that I/we have had to make a very hard decision a good few years ago - about the life, health and future of my/our daughter. It wasn't so much the making of the decision that turned out to be the most life changing thing for all 3 of us - it was what we(all 3 of us) did to make it work out that turned our worst moment into one of our "finest hours"; it took years; several of those years were very hard; life would have been far worse for all of us if we had not done what we realised we had to.

gettingthethrow · 10/07/2023 14:42

He's done a number on you @Owlgirl1987 it makes my blood boil.

To repeat another poster - you are not an option. You are his wife. He shouldn't be thinking about choosing you or the other woman like you're both shirts that he can't decide which one to wear.

Lay the law down. I get that you want to stay with him so tell him that he has one last chance to stay with you and cut all ties with OW. If he fails to do this then you will divorce him.

monsteramunch · 10/07/2023 14:45

I'm so sorry @Tighginn you were massively let down by people who know better and should have helped you Flowers

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