Continuation of relationship after affair.

[Owlgirl1987]

Hi

I have previously posted about the fact that my husband has had an affair that came out in March.

Things have been all over the place and still are about the woman .

The other woman tells him no contact, but then days / weeks later messages him asking to talk and says about love and feelings etc and then it spirals things up again.

We had spoke about marriage counselling and trying to move forward for each other and our son. We went to the assessment for counselling and the counsellor said we both need to be on the same page of trying the relationship for the counselling to go forwardz so my husband now keeps saying he doesn't know if we are on the same page but in the assessment he was asking her what she can do to help things get better.
The counsellor alo said she has known people in this dame situation who have had counselling and have come out the other side together and better.

I just feel so stuck at the minute as I can't switch off my feelings for my husband and he said he can't for me, but admits he does have feelings for the other woman, but we can both see that all of this is having a negative effect on our son and neither of us want this.

When we talk alot of the time it feels like the same things are being talked about and we end up arguing.

My husband says he doesn't know if he would be happy with me in the future but he also doesn't know if it would work out with the other woman if he was to leave and go to her.

I just need some advice if anyone has been through this kind of situation and if you managed to get through it and how?

How can we have a proper conversation without it turning into an argument?

How can we move on from all of this ?

And if you had marriage counselling, what happens in it and did it help ?

My head is all over the place.

Just read more of the thread. You may have a month or two of intense anxiety but then you will have peace and relief. You'll never trust your husband again.

Don't think he'll have a happy after ever with her. He will be looking around for someone else soon enough. Its in his nature.

Get your financials sussed/sorted and kick him out.

why should I give it all up
He's damaged your marriage. You would not be giving it up.

I feel like if he goes to her he will rub it in my face and then even if it wasn't what he was thinking it would be, he is stubborn and wouldn't admit it.
His problem, quite frankly.

does he think it would all be exciting etc with her as its like a new relationship
Yes, I can confirm that they do think that.

he feels shit because he's hurt her.
But he's happy to hurt you repeatedly by saying he needs time.

I feel like if he wanted to leave me and not give us a chance and he wanted to be with her so much he would have left the house
Even after my exh agreed that he should be the one to leave, he took his time. The prospect of a small flat instead of his familiar home was daunting. I had to basically make it unpleasant for him to stay there before he finally found a place.

We have a 9 year old son who is being affected by all of this
It is much better when the situation stabilises again. It's the uncertainty that is the killer. Once my exh was out of the house, in his flat, that was a new stable situation and everyone was able to get used to it.
You'll have to be the brave adult here and explain to your son that daddy is not doing it to hurt you; that it is not about him, he has done nothing wrong, mummy and daddy love him very much and even if you are not together, he will still be able to see you both.

I'm signed off work at the minute, but my sick note runs out next week
Get yourself another one. The doctor will be familiar with this type of situation.

will I regret not fighting for it to see if it will work
You've fought for it. But both of you have to want it to work. If one doesn't, that's it. It's not on you.

You know he doesn't want the marriage to work. Sit down and tell him he either cuts all contact with the woman today and goes to marriage guidance or he makes the decision to leave today. This is hellish for you and your son.

He is telling you in every which way that he doesn't love you and he doesn't respect you.

He is abusing and manipulating you and you are enabling it.

You need to tell him its over and he must leave immediately then seek support to heal yourself, regain your sense of worth and self esteem and re-evaluate what a healthy relationship looks like.
You can set a positive example to your son and teach him healthy boundaries, dignity and respectful love.

I would urgently seek counselling just for yourself.
Things will get easier a little every day x

Maybe your son could with some counselling too. A safe space away from you both so he can offload.

I think that you need to let this man go. He's playing you both for fools. It's now affecting your son. Why not create a safespace at home and let this man go who wants to go. He would never make you wonder if he was sure.

It will hurt for a while but do not do the pick me dance. You and your son deserve better. Right now you need to be your son's anchor. Be brave op.

i honestly think you need counselling separately. You need to get help with how to move on from this man. It sounds as though if the other women was more convenient he would go to her.

@Owlgirl1987
Is this man such a prize that both you and the other woman are willing to wait around to see which of you he picks.?

In your place, I would remove myself from the competition and let her "win." The prize seems not to be very impressive.

Your DH wants to have his cake and eat it too.

I agree with this. I have been in your shoes and as much as I loved my ex husband, it was not going to be enough because I couldn't love him enough to change what had happened. Marriage needs two people wanting to be there 100%...you can't make up his half.

I don't think your son needed to know the ins and outs of his parents marriage problems either - he is too young to understand.
I am 5.5 years down the line and my now teenage dc don't know that their dad had an affair. If they were to ask now, I wouldn't lie to them, but I don't think involving them in it at the time would have done them any good whatsoever. We told them that we weren't making each other happy anymore, which I guess was true for him to have an affair, and his affair made me unhappy so not a lie. Sounds like that ship has sailed though so I think you need to minimise any more harm done to your son by separating as amicably as you can and focussing on being the best parents you can be, apart.

I'm sorry you're going through this. We weren't married but my ex cheated while I was pregnant and I blame hormones for us staying together. I wanted our family to work. But inevitably he did it again 6 years later and we broke up. I'd put money on him cheating on you again in the future if you forgive him.

I’m going to say this like it is …. You say you love him … but the truth is …. He doesn’t love YOU … this hurts .. I know it does but you are just trauma bonded at the moment (Google the term ) you are desperately clinging in to a sinking ship … you can’t MAKE him love you
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man who doesn’t love or respect you and will continue to have affair after affair until one day your son is an adult and then your h finally ups and leaves having taken the best years of your life .. you WILL get over him .. you will love again .. I promise you

Hi, so I'm going to give a little bit of input to what's been happening in my life recently - it might help.

I've been with my partner for many years, we have 2 kids together and we were happy as far as I was concerned.. he started telling me little lies, I confronted him and he told me he has feelings for a co-worker. He split up with me and told me he was going to make it work with this girl.

So he gets involved with her and he's openly telling me all about it (what can I do, I still love him) if I've needed to ring him or anything he will say 'oh I'm just in BlahBlahs house or I'm just driving, your on loud speaker I'm with Blah,Blah'

So she thinks oh everything is fine his ex knows all about me, everything must be the truth.

But he was still coming home most nights, sleeping in our bed at the end of the day (we were still having sex) and after maybe a month he called it all off with the new girl because he realised she wasn't me and it was still me he loved.

So maybe this is a test for him, to see if he still loves his wife?

I could be completely wrong though and he could be telling the whole truth, just keep your eyes wide open

I mean this kindly; get a grip on your life and ditch him. Your poor son. You can't be taking time off work and considering taking him back when he treats you like this, surely? What lesson are you teaching your son?