I don’t like my little boy

[Itiswhatitisispose]

It’s such a shame I’d waited so long for a second baby then given up on the idea , older child was 20 . I was happily looking forward to the freedom that comes from an empty nest. Then during a period of depression and low self esteem I met his father and he accidentally occurred. I was delighted with the pregnancy and the first couple of years I was besotted with the little boy. He’s 6 now. He is literally a carbon copy of his father and in truth his father is a grossly overweight, very unattractive guy. Also he’s really cold and obnoxious and DS is the same. He shows no affection for me, he hurts me physically, he damages my things and in the last couple of years I’ve frequently spent time just thinking of ways to end my life because this child has removed every last piece of happiness from me. I pay unearthly amounts of childcare in the week even though I’m unemployed at the moment because I simply can’t cope with him. The debts are terrifying .Weekends I sort of limp through but I always dread them and we always end up with him having taken over the house and doing whatever he wants while I sit in my room scrolling my phone or just crying/ sleeping.
I then spend Monday on a sort of high cleaning my home back up and putting all DS things back in his room and it feels great in some ways but also so guilty that I can’t enjoy him and I live for the days he’s at school and then childcare .He’s spoilt in many ways, he has a huge garden with every type of play equipment and toy you could imagine, he has games consoles, a huge tv , collections of whatever his latest obsession is…. He’s just so bloody obnoxious. He also never ever will do his reading or spellings or attend any sports things I try to arrange for him he just refuses to exercise or do his homework as in he’s actually never done it. I don’t think I can parent this boy, the chemistry is wrong and he’s too strong willed for me. His father refuses to be a main parent ( I’ve offered hefty sums of CM but he still declined) so that’s not an option. We have no family support whatsoever so I have no back up except his Dad who I frankly can’t stand anyway but I have to rely on to some extent . I so desperately want this boy to be happy and successful but I honestly can’t cope with him . His behaviour is perfectly acceptable at school and childcare as well so I know it’s because of me.

Before responding can I ask what your relationship is/was like with your older child?

I think you need to step back and work out what makes your DS tick. If he doesn't like exercise then he is never going to do it willingly. Please don't write him off at age 6. Work out what he likes and what his strengths are and find activities which work with this.

She and I were very close and it was very easy. Never felt anything like this at all.

It isn't his fault he reminds you of his father. This sounds like a very sad situation indeed.

He literally likes a narrow selection of very typically masculine cliched boys interests. I have, in the past tried to engage with this. His dad has similar interests but just doesn’t give him enough time. DS has some epic meltdowns over minor things and says really unpleasant , chilling stuff sometimes about killing me and how I’m worthless etc . He’s also over 140cm and apparently weighs what a 12 year old should. Absolutely fuck all interest from the Drs despite me trying to get him seen.

"We always end up with him taking over the house" this shouldn't be happening. I feel sorry for your situation but you sound very passive. And he is 6

I’m so sorry you are all going through this because it clearly is having a profound effect on all of you. I don’t feel like it’s a hopeless situation, nothing is irredeemable and clearly you care deeply because you are asking for help.

My suggestion is a fairly simple one to start you on a better path. I would have half an hour each evening when you read to him and give him your whole attention. Children love being read to and there are lots of suggestions online for good books. Maybe a funny book would be a good place to start. Commit to doing that each day and I think you will start to build a bond, it works like magic. I don’t think he really wants all the consoles, and tvs and toys, I think he wants you. I really hope things improve for you quickly OP.

This is frankly a bit chilling to read. I know you are upset about it, but the way you talk about your son, referring to him as 'this boy' rather 'my son' is absolutely horrible. You say he is cold, but you sound like the cold one. He is 6 years old and needs his mother. You don't get to opt out because you don't like the chemistry, especially as you know from the fact that he's well-behaved at school that this is about you, not him.

This is really sad for both of you.

How is he getting on at school?

You must love him because you're still looking after him...you could have handed him over to social services. You have asked the doctor for help. You do care.

This is a nice idea except he won’t read with me. For a couple of years now I’ve had to ask school not to send books home because he destroys them. I actually purchased some books about his main obsession at Christmas. He opened them and tore the pages and chewed the covers then binned them right there and then. It’s hard because growing up I loved books, I have collections of books and I really enjoy them as does my daughter but he has an aversion to them. He’ll play word games on a tablet and reads a bit at school but not for me or with me.

This

He’ll be able to pick up on the fact you don’t like him and this will impact on his behaviours. Children are more intuitive than we give them credit for most of the time.

At the end of the day he’s only 6. You need to find a way to connect with him. What does he like to do? Is there an activity or place you can go together? Start small and build it up. Reading together at night before bed, baking cookies, going to the park. It doesn’t have to be groundbreaking, it just needs to be a start. The steps you take don’t need to be big, they just need to be in the right direction

I so desperately want this boy to be happy and successful

I was doubting that you even loved this kid and in fact wasn't sure what you were saying was real, possibly because I can't imagine feeling like this with my own kids, but the fact you want him to be happy means you care and love him (even though it doesn't feel like it). It sounds like you have depression and you could really do with some help in order to feel more positive about your boy and yourself, and proactive with your situation. I'm a bit confused about your arrangements with the boy's dad - is he your partner that you live with? Are you projecting your feelings about your partner onto him? Maybe it's him you need to walk away from, not your little boy. Your boy will be picking up on your feelings, which may account for his behaviour towards you.

It's a really sad situation and absolutely no way for you to live, but it seems like you need some psychological help. Take care of yourself and then you'll be able to take care of your boy. I hope things get better for you.

Autism? PDA?

It sounds like you might need professional support with this. Could you contact your nearest children's centre to ask if they do any kind of family work together. It is very sad for both of you but you have plenty of time to work on things and the situation can be rescued, but you need help with it. Please don't give up on your six year old!

You are clearly unhappy and it sounds really depressing, but your parenting of him will contribute in large part to his behaviour while with you. You have a lot more agency in this situation than you think, or maybe even dare to admit.

1. He's picking up on your dislike of him/his similarity with his father. He's cold because he thinks you don't like him. It's a chicken and egg situation, but you are the adult. You have to pretend to like him at first, if necessary, until it becomes a virtuous circle when his behaviour improves.
2. You are not boundaried enough with him. If he is spoilt it's because you have let him be.
3. take away the screens and games consoles, and spend time building a real attachment with him. He's six. He should be playing creatively and imaginatively.

He knows you don’t like him that’s why he’s playing up. Not his fault he reminds you of his dad you picked him.

He ticks almost every box. He also has a high IQ and can mask in some situations. I’ve been battered black and blue for stopping him finish a family pack of ice creams . School just find him ‘quirky’ and ‘sensitive’ and sit him near the TA because he’s got very little patience with other kids but ultimately if he’s protected from them bothering him he’s compliant and does the majority of tasks. He doesn’t socialise at break and lunch. He gets excused from a few bits of the day that don’t suit him but performs very well academically.

Have you done an ACES questionnaire on your own life OP? I wonder if you need more professional help to heal before you can effectively parent.

I'm still trying to work out how you managed to have sex with the dad the way you describe him lol.🤣

Plainfield1983
Autism? PDA?

I would echo this. There are a few red flags including the obsessions, controlling behaviour, chewing the books etc.

It can be very, very hard to parent these children (people with neurotypical children really have no idea...) and their behaviours can be very hard to cope with. Take a look at the PDA society.

You accidentally fell pregnant with him while depressed and had low self esteem - and my god that shows in your attitude towards him.

does he spend much time 1-1 with his father? Or with you?

what is the midweek child care for, is he not in full time school?

what does a day in his life look like right now? What is his diet? Do you talk together, eat together? Do anything together

why does he have a huge tv and multiple consoles?

I have a just turned 7 year old, they can be dicks sometimes. But he absolutely does not rule the house, he has no tv or iPad of his own. Is limited to 1 hour on tablet or switch on weekdays and 2 separate 1 hours on weekends. You are his parent - parent him!

What is his relationship like with his sister?

do you think he has special educational needs or a disability?

Well this makes him sound awful, clearly, but is it possible that he's just desperate to get your attention? You send him elsewhere as often as possible (by your own admission) sit there passively whilst he runs amok, maybe he knows you love books more than him and it's a way to get a reaction? As an aside I wouldn't let an otherwise well-behaved boy (at nursery and with others) rip up books with their teeth whilst I silently watched. I also would understand that it is my job to parent; that children don't come fully formed and that part of my role was to instruct and firmly guide. Not to just say the chemistry isn't there.