I don’t like my little boy

[Itiswhatitisispose]

It’s such a shame I’d waited so long for a second baby then given up on the idea , older child was 20 . I was happily looking forward to the freedom that comes from an empty nest. Then during a period of depression and low self esteem I met his father and he accidentally occurred. I was delighted with the pregnancy and the first couple of years I was besotted with the little boy. He’s 6 now. He is literally a carbon copy of his father and in truth his father is a grossly overweight, very unattractive guy. Also he’s really cold and obnoxious and DS is the same. He shows no affection for me, he hurts me physically, he damages my things and in the last couple of years I’ve frequently spent time just thinking of ways to end my life because this child has removed every last piece of happiness from me. I pay unearthly amounts of childcare in the week even though I’m unemployed at the moment because I simply can’t cope with him. The debts are terrifying .Weekends I sort of limp through but I always dread them and we always end up with him having taken over the house and doing whatever he wants while I sit in my room scrolling my phone or just crying/ sleeping.
I then spend Monday on a sort of high cleaning my home back up and putting all DS things back in his room and it feels great in some ways but also so guilty that I can’t enjoy him and I live for the days he’s at school and then childcare .He’s spoilt in many ways, he has a huge garden with every type of play equipment and toy you could imagine, he has games consoles, a huge tv , collections of whatever his latest obsession is…. He’s just so bloody obnoxious. He also never ever will do his reading or spellings or attend any sports things I try to arrange for him he just refuses to exercise or do his homework as in he’s actually never done it. I don’t think I can parent this boy, the chemistry is wrong and he’s too strong willed for me. His father refuses to be a main parent ( I’ve offered hefty sums of CM but he still declined) so that’s not an option. We have no family support whatsoever so I have no back up except his Dad who I frankly can’t stand anyway but I have to rely on to some extent . I so desperately want this boy to be happy and successful but I honestly can’t cope with him . His behaviour is perfectly acceptable at school and childcare as well so I know it’s because of me.

@Itiswhatitisispose i know, I’ve been there.
please understand that not being able to access your full range of typical maternal emotions right now is temporary and is symptomatic of the very real and extreme pressure you’re under and have been under for far too long on your own. Things will get better, but you’ll need support, you may have to beg for it/ get yourself into debt for it, but do whatever it takes.. it’ll be worth it. Therapy for yourself as the absolute priority, but it must be an experienced therapist who specifically deals with the things I mentioned previously.

Sorry, but what are you feeding your 6Yo for him to be overweight?

Normal healthy balanced meals. I’m old and not overweight so I know about good food and stuff and I’m a good cook. However, he has been known to steal food at night, will take slices of bread or even frozen items from the freezer. On the rare occasion I buy nice things he will not stop till every last one is gone, this will include kicking, punching, biting etc to get to food. It’s relentless and he’s able to stay awake all night too.

@eva reply above to you, sorry I’m shattered and keep forgetting to quote or tag.

I don't actually think this sounds like neurotypical behaviour, even for a child who has experienced trauma. I think it sounds highly likely he is neurodiverse, and you are going to have a long road of people tilting their heads and blaming you for your "inadequate" parenting - it's really not that, in all likelihood. Some children with SEND can be exceptionally hard to parent, especially when there are behavioural and emotional needs that far outstrip your 'typical' child. It's no wonder you're on your knees if you've been left to deal with everything alone, and with no help from anyone. Give yourself a break. You're not a failure in any way, you're doing your best.

see already, above, many posts intimating that you're feeding him the wrong stuff to make him overweight, you're not loving him enough, or have you tried reading to him? All well-intentioned but suggestive of people who have not actually personally experienced the realities of parenting children with additional needs.

OP, just wanted to say, reading your posts, that this sounds incredibly hard at the moment. Ignore the idiot posters telling you off who do not get how incredibly hard this is to deal with. You're doing what you can, so don't beat yourself up over it.

Really, the first step is to forgive two people - forgive your ds, as he really isn't doing this out of malevolence, even though it may feel like it sometimes. And just as important, forgive yourself - this is hugely challenging, and you're doing the best you can, with very little support. (No need to forgive your ex, btw!)

Once you are no longer fighting your own anger/guilt, it becomes much easier to see the situation positively and to start making small, incremental changes that help. Not least because your ds will pick up on your changed attitude and that you are on his side (he will keep challenging and testing that, multiple times, for security, but that's what it's for. And the challenges will become less frequent and eventually stop.)

And it's a virtuous circle, as the more you like him, the more he feels liked, the better he behaves, so the more you like him, and on and on.

There have been interesting studies that suggest that children with autism are around 16% more likely to be overweight in early childhood (between 2 and 5) than their NT peers. Lots of possible reasons .Really interesting because some studies included twins where one was diagnosed with autism and was bigger from birth .

@Itiswhatitisispose oh gosh, that is difficult.

the reason I ask is because I watched a documentary on two young sisters who had ADHD but was constantly eating processed foods, the parents changed their diet significantly I.E. vegetables and lean meat etc , and it drastically improved their behaviour so thought maybe this could have helped you too.

by the sounds of it, Dad is definitely influencing your little boy and his attitude towards you, however, giving in to what he wants will only make things worse for you. He behaves for day carers because maybe they don’t let him get away with everything and dad cannot bad mouth them to him either.

also- just another perspective- maybe he acts violently and aggressively towards you to try and get your attention. so maybe you could spend time with him instead of shutting him out and isolating yourself in your room? After all he’s only a 6 yo

And please, all those sanctimonious posters on here with variations of, "it's on the OP as the resident parent", and "it's all about environment" ask yourselves this:

do you have any lived or even academic experience of children with developmental disorders, genetic conditions or serious trauma? If not, give your heads a wobble and check your enormous privilege and ignorance. I hope none of you work in schools. Autism, for example, is quite heritable, as proved by twin studies, as are other adjacent conditions like AD(H)D, dyslexia, etc.

It's head tilt bingo on here tonight... have you tried feeding him vegetables, OP and giving him organic hummus? 😁

🤣🤣🤣 well yes. I’ve also stopped letting him use cocaine during the week. He’s still quite grumpy and difficult though sadly.

Maybe a prebiotic, OP? I had a tiny, transitory rash and it worked for that.

In all seriousness, it just sounds like you're at the end of your tether. You're not a bad person, and this isn't all driven by your antipathy to your boy's dad. It sounds like he is objectively challenging to care for, behaviourally and emotionally. of course we affect and shape our kids' lives, but we are not the masters of everything and not everything is mothers' faults.

Radiodread ·
And please, all those sanctimonious posters on here with variations of, "it's on the OP as the resident parent", and "it's all about environment" ask yourselves this:

do you have any lived or even academic experience of children with developmental disorders, genetic conditions or serious trauma? If not, give your heads a wobble and check your enormous privilege and ignorance. I hope none of you work in schools. Autism, for example, is quite heritable, as proved by twin studies, as are other adjacent conditions like AD(H)D, dyslexia, etc.

Every word of this... and why this is the wrong place to post.

OP you need to get off this board, stop beating yourself up and put what energy you have into learning about SEN and parenting approaches, how to access assessments (can you afford to go privately? I can make some excellent recommendations if you can) and the EHCP process. It is not an easy road but one you need to take to make progress... and before your son gets older and won't engage with any diagnostic process.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9464840/#:~:text=Children%20with%20ADHD%20consume%20more%20processed%20meat%20products%20and%20snacks,the%20presence%20of%20ADHD%20symptoms.

here’s an article that shows a direct correlation between processed foods and ADHD

so yes @Radiodread , a good diet is important

Yes! I’ve researched loads about ASD and related conditions and that has naturally led me down various rabbit holes on social media…:
there’s a ‘look’ that’s common to boys on the spectrum, I’d say about a third of them have very round faces, short noses, almond eyes ( baby faces) and are ridiculously tall and heavily built. There’s a couple of young lads on autism accounts that literally look like they could be DS’s brothers. I do believe there’s a common genetic thing with some autistic boys which also causes them to share some physical features too. these are the ones with the food obsessions too. I thought I was being clever by physically keeping him away from our fridge and busy as a way of protecting him from himself, I do wonder if I’ve gone too far with it and would benefit from trying to spend more time with him at home because it’s just treading water and keeping him alive but it’s not progressing and developing. Honestly I need a break.

Joking aside probiotics can have a really dramatic effect on behaviour, life changing. Especially for the compulsive eating / sleep problems and tantrums. Sorry 😬 I speak from experience of being in a really hopeless place and seeing huge improvements with probiotics overnight.
I’m not sure if they’re suitable for such a young child though, you’d have to look into it.

@Eva6437 that's a crap article, almost valueless. Tiny sample size, and only a clumsy pseudo-control for socio-economic and health variables.

https://errorstatistics.com/2015/05/04/spurious-correlations-death-by-getting-tangled-in-bedsheets-and-the-consumption-of-cheese-aris-spanos/

It’s sometimes easier with children like this , to think in terms of things you can add/ substitute rather than in terms of what you can take away.
From a dietary perspective. Adding a spoonful of probiotic to juice= easy. Taking away their comforting/ sensory preference food=war.

I pay unearthly amounts of childcare in the week even though I’m unemployed at the moment because I simply can’t cope with him.
and
while I sit in my room scrolling my phone or just crying/ sleeping.
and
he has games consoles, a huge tv

Poor little boy. His father doesn't care, and you don't like him. That's why he's like he is. Take the games consoles and huge tv out of his room (what 6 year old needs that stuff?) Spend some time DOING things with him and taking him out. Feed the ducks, go to parks, play with him in the garden, get him to help you plant some flowers there, make some biscuits/sandwiches/fruit smoothies and get him to help you. This little lad is crying out for attention. He didn't ask to be born. Perhaps get a part-time job? Get antidepressants?

@IknowYouButIdontLikeYou I think you missed the bit where I explained that we used to do nice things like this and I offer to spend time with him , it’s me that’s bored of being shut away because he tells me to not to speak to him and is violent if I disrupt what he’s doing. He tells me to ‘leave me alone you are stupid’ and I’m not allowed to touch his things. I was out in the woods, baking and doing arts and crafts every day with DD. I miss these things. But if I’d go in his room now he will punch me. He only allows me to touch him on his terms. last night he had some sort of screaming night horror episode and I sat with him and soothed him for two hours , This morning he was refusing to speak to me again.

@Smoothiecarton I’ll do some research. The provision here for any sort of help by anyone like a specialist is non existent. Very much on my own here. I’ll try anything to be honest.

@IknowYouButIdontLikeYou seriously that’s all you took from the op’s really desperate posts and those are your best solutions? Your post is illustrates perfectly why parents of children with additional needs become isolated and terrified to seek help for fear of blame and judgement.
Do you always kick people when they’re down?

@Radiodread so you don’t think having a good diet is important?

Well, that's my son described! Nearly 6 feet 5 and built like a tank.

Autistic and, if a snack wasn't provided immediately, would panic and eat stuff like dried pasta, straight out of the cupboard.

And it's great bleating away about giving children a healthy diet. Try 18 years of them refusing to eat it...