I don’t like my little boy

[Itiswhatitisispose]

It’s such a shame I’d waited so long for a second baby then given up on the idea , older child was 20 . I was happily looking forward to the freedom that comes from an empty nest. Then during a period of depression and low self esteem I met his father and he accidentally occurred. I was delighted with the pregnancy and the first couple of years I was besotted with the little boy. He’s 6 now. He is literally a carbon copy of his father and in truth his father is a grossly overweight, very unattractive guy. Also he’s really cold and obnoxious and DS is the same. He shows no affection for me, he hurts me physically, he damages my things and in the last couple of years I’ve frequently spent time just thinking of ways to end my life because this child has removed every last piece of happiness from me. I pay unearthly amounts of childcare in the week even though I’m unemployed at the moment because I simply can’t cope with him. The debts are terrifying .Weekends I sort of limp through but I always dread them and we always end up with him having taken over the house and doing whatever he wants while I sit in my room scrolling my phone or just crying/ sleeping.
I then spend Monday on a sort of high cleaning my home back up and putting all DS things back in his room and it feels great in some ways but also so guilty that I can’t enjoy him and I live for the days he’s at school and then childcare .He’s spoilt in many ways, he has a huge garden with every type of play equipment and toy you could imagine, he has games consoles, a huge tv , collections of whatever his latest obsession is…. He’s just so bloody obnoxious. He also never ever will do his reading or spellings or attend any sports things I try to arrange for him he just refuses to exercise or do his homework as in he’s actually never done it. I don’t think I can parent this boy, the chemistry is wrong and he’s too strong willed for me. His father refuses to be a main parent ( I’ve offered hefty sums of CM but he still declined) so that’s not an option. We have no family support whatsoever so I have no back up except his Dad who I frankly can’t stand anyway but I have to rely on to some extent . I so desperately want this boy to be happy and successful but I honestly can’t cope with him . His behaviour is perfectly acceptable at school and childcare as well so I know it’s because of me.

@Eva6437 yes of course a good diet is extremely important. Bad science is not the basis to advocate for that in children with likely neurodevelopmental issues, though.

people with children with developmental disorders or SEND get very tired of people implying that their issues are caused by some sort of deficiency, whether diet-related, parenting-related, etc.

children with autism can have very particular food issues, including ARFID, sensory processing disorder, aversions, rigidity around eating patterns and all sorts, which can make it hard to ensure an optimal balance of nutrients is going in the top end. Often the advice of paediatricians in these cases is to just make sure that there is something going in, even if it’s 5 packets of wotsits.

Good, I’m glad you agree that a good diet is important.

I simply asked what 6Yo was eating to become overweight- that’s not implying anything.

Genuinely watched a documentary of two sisters with ADHD whose behaviours were altered from improved diet and thought if 6YO was eating a lot of processed foods this would be useful information for OP

Please order the incredible years book and read a chapter a night.

If you give him your attention for half an hour at thr start of the day it will start the day well.

You need to gain strength and support to take control of the situation.

You can do it. You are the Mum and what you say is the law at least until he is 18.

Reclaim your power xx

@Frith2013 ah you’ve got one too! He’s been off the charts since about 8 months old. He’s been in adult sized shoes since he was 5 and is the typical height of child 4 years his senior. Absolutely expecting mine to be just like yours and keep on growing . How do you cope? Did you have periods in his childhood where you just didn’t know how to put one foot infront of the other? I suspect our issues are compounded by no support network here, but even a mum with friends and family must struggle too. There’s zero support for the kids or parents . I was hospitalised a couple of years back after a serious attempt to inalive myself. The next day I was back home muddling through, not a referral, not a phonecall not a follow up or anything. DS nursery were pushing for DX since before covid. I approached GP’s , it’s all just ‘in the system’.

This sounds so hard, Op. Do you have any pets. Sometimes a dog can really help to boost a child's self esteem. They are great for getting outside in nature and lifting the spirits.

There are two brilliant women I follow on FB for PDA parenting support - Kristy Forbes and At Peace Parents. Plus, the CPS approach you'll find outlined in The Explosive Child.

Just attending school will be creating enormous stress for your boy, which he is currently able to suppress while he is there. But not at home.

I get the food stuff. My nine year old has always been so tall and well built for his age (literally off the percentile charts), and LOVES food. He is currently overweight and it stresses the hell out of me.

You can transform this relationship. xx

Just wanted to add - it's taken me years to get my head around this, and my DS has been diagnosed for 4 years now. I knew he was autistic from a baby. It didn't stop me from being a useless parent for most of his life. PDA is so hard, very different from non-PDA autism. Plus every PDAer I know also has ADHD... DS has a great paediatrician too now, and meds have helped a lot.

If he can destroy books, I dread to think what he would do to the dog, although I do agree dogs can provide therapy.

This is a very sad situation OP but posting on here is allowing yourself to be kicked, while you are down. The sanctimony of some posters is unreal.

Some of these posts ffs 😅

OP - I'm absolutely exhausted, I have no time for anything, I'm often awake all night with my child who is then aggressive and hard to parent throughout the day, he destroys things all the time

Geppili- have you thought about adding another thing to care for into your already difficult life?

Honestly, I don't even have a child yet let alone one with ASD and reading some of these suggestions is making my eyes roll so hard.

No advice but I hope things are able to start getting better for you OP when the right support is finally in place. Good luck x

And please, all those sanctimonious posters on here with variations of, "it's on the OP as the resident parent", and "it's all about environment" ask yourselves this:

do you have any lived or even academic experience of children with developmental disorders, genetic conditions or serious trauma?

Yup. 6 yo with explosive temper/rigid thinking/lack of empathy and waiting for autism/ADHD diagnosis AND with likely trauma. It's possible to know there are neurobiological factors while also trying to create the most stable home environment possible. And yes, that includes, some days, going to bed thinking the child is awful but getting up the next day and choosing to act like he's likeable, even when you're exhausted. It's a constant challenge.

You need help, actual help. Referral to CAHMS for assessment via GP but more usefully via the school. The person who deals with child mental health there, call them, tell them over and over how hard it is, give examples. They will have some kind of care plan for him in school I reckon, ask to see it. schools often like to call it 'sensitive' unless they can no longer cope with a childs behaviour. And for yourself seek out support - even FB groups for parents of ND kids, that kind of thing.

Also, you need to stop hiding (as much). I know it's hard but disengagement is never going to solve this problem and you'll find yourself with an even taller and stronger 9,10,11 year old ruling the household. You and his father need to be on the same page with everything. Destroying things and physical harm have to stop or you're going to end up in a really bad place. Appropriate warning systems (You need to stop by the time I count to 3 or X will be removed), reward charts, social stories for positive actions. In terms of engaging with him - If books aren't the thing - what's his 'thing'? Is it games? Football? Whatever it is that's the place to start. The book 'The explosive child' helped me a lot. Deal with one aspect of behaviour, the main one, ignore everything else. And work through it. Get it under control and move to the next one.

I'm not going to pretend any of this is easy, nor that we will always find our ND/troubled children easy or sometimes likeable - my DD is extremely tall and i've had to carry her (as she hits me) out of a variety of places because she gets over stimulated and she's a danger to herself or others. At times, she's hated me for it, i've lost my marbles in car parks at her (as she ran off from me) and so many other crunch points. I've cried, felt terrible guilt for losing my cool, felt utter bone deep exhaustion, wished to god she could hug people. But each day you have to wake up (as a PP said) and say - today i'm going to guide them, i'm going to be strong enough to do it, i'm going to remain calm in the storm. To that end, support for yourself is absolutely necessary x

Hi @Itiswhatitisispose your little boy sounds almost exactly like the 6 year old son of one of my friends..
she's really struggling. The school is not helping, & he's got to wait 2 years for an NHS autism assessment.
So she's got to pay for private psychological support for him starting this week hopefully.. he threatened to stab his sibling last week so she's terrified of him now.

I think he has PDA Autism and have suggested this to her, I think as pps have said, that you should look into this for your son as well.
Try to get the school on side. I know this is hard; as my friend is finding, because often kids mask at school.
Please see the gp yourself and be very honest with them.. they may call a social worker which would be a good thing as they would be able to get your son properly assessed & support you.
I don't have my own child but I have suffered with bad depression so I know how awful that feels. Hopefully you can get some treatment that helps... even if it just makes you feel better about your situation you will be able to face it with a more positive mindset.
Look after yourself.

OP I feel for you and I know you didn't choose to have the feelings that you do but your son is only 6! You brought him into the world and you have responsibility to sort it out with all the help you can get and be a good enough mum you should be.
Small children internalise everything and the relationship he has with you will be a foundation for his whole life.

And while I understand its a very difficult situation for you I'm surprised how little concern you have for your own child and his development. Having a parent that resents you and doesn't like you is awful and unfortunately it will not help his behaviour, it will cause bad behaviour and all sorts of psychological problems.

So for a sake of all of you instead of spending money on childcare to be away from your child use it on professional help and create some plan to move forward.

It feels to me like you don't like your child because he reminds you of his Dad.

If I was this child, I'd probably be acting out like crazy. Children can tell when you don't like them. He's only six, he's a baby

Kids are people just like adults. Some of them have absolutely horrible personalities and there's nothing that can be done about that. They are born who they are.
This is the gamble of having kids, nobody knows if they are going to get a crap one or not.
Sorry but I don't really see what your options are here. Drs aren't going to care he's obese , restrict his processed foods and offer only wholefoods. Nobody got obese eating only wholefoods so he's obviously eating a load of crap to weigh as much as a 12 year old.

Personality isn't fixed. It is shaped by experience.

HNRHT

@Itiswhatitisispose have you tried to get social services to give you professional help with him?

Have you considered giving him up for adoption or foster caring by someone else? Also, maybe ask his dad if you can give him up for adoption as that might actually make the dad step up- however, my Q on adoption is stand-alone.

Thanks to everyone who’s commented here. I’ve read them all and really appreciate the posts that have come from a place of experience. I think with some clarity of thought I’ve established that I need to press harder for his assessments (I’ve just seen his school reports that show he is infact extremely delayed in all but his two special subjects and their ‘he’s doing so well’ is being measured against his presumed SEN and not NT children so why I cannot seem to get some actual help is beyond me. In response to the food issues, unless you’ve witness a child smashing cabinets with a chair because you’re trying to withhold food or caught your child trying to microwave frozen chicken portions at 2am it’s kind of hard to appreciate what they are like. We baked cookies today, picked fruit and we made art. He then attacked me from nowhere because I was trying to settle him for sleep. It made me really sad. His father has never shown any degree of empathy and is chillingly aloof when someone is upset, So I didn’t bother to speak to him about it, I just went for a cry in my room which ended up lasting for hours until after they had both fallen asleep in their rooms . I will instead assume that I have to work this out by myself and I will try to access help because I’m practically suicidal most days now , whatever the answer is to improving things I clearly don’t have it at the moment. I maintain that I’m too old and tired for this shit, I miss my old life which included friendships and a career and a normal happy family life with my other child , I accept that there’s no point pining after that though and I need to find a way to pull this shitshow together somehow.