I don’t like my little boy

[Itiswhatitisispose]

It’s such a shame I’d waited so long for a second baby then given up on the idea , older child was 20 . I was happily looking forward to the freedom that comes from an empty nest. Then during a period of depression and low self esteem I met his father and he accidentally occurred. I was delighted with the pregnancy and the first couple of years I was besotted with the little boy. He’s 6 now. He is literally a carbon copy of his father and in truth his father is a grossly overweight, very unattractive guy. Also he’s really cold and obnoxious and DS is the same. He shows no affection for me, he hurts me physically, he damages my things and in the last couple of years I’ve frequently spent time just thinking of ways to end my life because this child has removed every last piece of happiness from me. I pay unearthly amounts of childcare in the week even though I’m unemployed at the moment because I simply can’t cope with him. The debts are terrifying .Weekends I sort of limp through but I always dread them and we always end up with him having taken over the house and doing whatever he wants while I sit in my room scrolling my phone or just crying/ sleeping.
I then spend Monday on a sort of high cleaning my home back up and putting all DS things back in his room and it feels great in some ways but also so guilty that I can’t enjoy him and I live for the days he’s at school and then childcare .He’s spoilt in many ways, he has a huge garden with every type of play equipment and toy you could imagine, he has games consoles, a huge tv , collections of whatever his latest obsession is…. He’s just so bloody obnoxious. He also never ever will do his reading or spellings or attend any sports things I try to arrange for him he just refuses to exercise or do his homework as in he’s actually never done it. I don’t think I can parent this boy, the chemistry is wrong and he’s too strong willed for me. His father refuses to be a main parent ( I’ve offered hefty sums of CM but he still declined) so that’s not an option. We have no family support whatsoever so I have no back up except his Dad who I frankly can’t stand anyway but I have to rely on to some extent . I so desperately want this boy to be happy and successful but I honestly can’t cope with him . His behaviour is perfectly acceptable at school and childcare as well so I know it’s because of me.

Extremely lonely. Alcohol 😂
to be fair I hated DDs father for the entirety of our relationship too but she was a really sweet and cute child and didn’t stop responding to me at 2.5 yrs old. She’s still cuddly now.

I agree I'm afraid. I also have a six year old and a seven year old (both boys) and I can't imagine ever writing those kids of things about either of them.

My seven year old went through a terrible phase at about age 6, he was aggressive and angry and had a terrible temper, it all came out of the blue after him being a delightful toddler. But I still tried to engage with him and his interests (even the ones I find desperately boring) and treat him with love and compassion.

You need to actively engage with him, I can't understand how you are sitting in your room on your phone all day while he does what he wants - you know that's not parenting surely? And how are you ever going to make a connection with him if you don't interact with him? He's only 6, that's very very young. If he's overweight then that's on you and his dad - he has no means to buy food, it's not his fault. Also exercise, fine if he doesn't want to play football or whatever but you take him for walks or bike rides. Make him walk with you to school or the shops etc. my 6 year old is very lazy but I have literally never taken the car to school this year, I make him walk so at least I know he's getting that exercise.

You need to stop wallowing and step up, and stop blaming him for attributes that he has because of his father and because of you. He's a child.

This.

To be honest just ignore all of the other kind comments on here as they will just make you worse. Get a referral for assessment asap. It's not your fault he behaves like this nor his.

Just read your update. Ignore the school and start the process of assessment (which can take years) and start using PDA friendly parenting techniques to see if they help. A diagnosis could access more support for him and you and - crucially - may be incredibly important in actually keeping him in education past primary.

Make you feel worse, that should say.

I agree with posts saying he's picking up on you not liking him. I really believe this. We have a family friend who seemed to dislike her little boy (for no real reason in my opinion) and I really noticed how her son was around her - cold, aloof, often misbehaved. It was a vicious cycle. The more he was like that, the more she'd dislike him which in turn made him even more cold etc. Yet with me he was the most affectionate boy, always on my lap, always wanting cuddles. I could see so clearly that he was a very sad little boy who just desperately wanted love. Our friend couldn't see it - she only saw him being cold and naughty. It was a horrible dynamic between them, caused by her, the adult.
I'm sorry but I think this is what's happening here. I don't believe any child is bad but they definitely pick up on how their parents react to them.

Agree. Have experience and am happy to be messaged if I can help.

Also, you will be better off posting on the SEN boards as there you won't have loads of parents saying 'they could never feel like this about their child etc. etc.". They really have no idea. I have neurotypical children and one with ASD/PDA, they honestly couldn't be more different - it is night and day in terms of parenting them.

Poor little boy. He must know how you feel about him. How awful for him 😢

I think you need a lot of support and you need discuss this with an experienced therapist who works with parents of children with ASD/ PDA etc. The assessment process for children can take years so please, seek advice for yourself first. Perhaps contact camhs and ask for advice/ a recommendation of a therapist.

OP push hard for some professional support with this, you really need some. Also for your own mental health as well as you sound as if you could be depressed again. Go back to the doctor and tell them everything. If they are not helpful ask to see another?

Children are a product of their environment not their biology so I'm sorry this sounds harsh but this is on you if you're the main parent. Nobody here knows for sure that he has asd or pda but it is obvious his mum doesn't have a lot of love or affection for him. I hope if he does have asd or pda that you get the help he needs or if not that you get the help you do in order to find a way to do right by him. Poor thing

She only pops over occasionally I see her when he’s at school a fair bit. He generally runs off to his room screaming for her to go home and slams a few doors. He’ll then come and engage with her after this . Then he screams at me and beats me up when she leaves. Similar for any visitor really. We don’t get many visitors and I have to schedule things like gas checks or any workman type visits for when he’s not here because he screams and attacks them sometimes. He was alright with my Dad who we only see every couple of years which is odd. But he does like my DD just gets upset when she comes in the house and leaves.

@Arewehumanorarewecupboards sorry that reply was for you

@sebbiesmum although nobody on this thread can diagnose that is categorically not true, children are as much a product of their biology as their environment. A child in physical pain or discomfort will scream if they are in a nurturing environment or otherwise, and not all disabilities are visible.

My relationship with my ds was not dissimilar at the same age. I then read The Explosive Child and it changed my life and saved my relationship with my ds. (He's now 17, loved, loving, cuddly, happy and affectionate.)

In a nutshell, the book says that some kids are naturally more 'explosive' and difficult than others, including but not only those who are neurodivergent - but it's not their fault OR your fault; it's because they have that tendency and THEY ARE CHILDREN so haven't yet learned how to manage their difficult feelings.

It was great for me to hear this because it allowed me both to stop blaming my ds for his behaviour, realise I could help him learn better behaviour, and crucially, the book didn't blame me either.

Give it a read. It was life-changing for me (often recommended on MN, with good reason). It didn't change things overnight, but within a couple of years, my ds was a different child.

Good luck.

He’s been on the lists for this for 4 years as he went from being loving and affectionate to shutting down when he was 2.5 he also went backwards in his speech and is still delayed by 24 months or so even though he’s academically able. until the. he was a very happy normal bright kid. But I see these traits of being controlling and cold in his father who I think has some sort of condition and it’s impossible pe to get seen and taken seriously. I’ve just been doing what I can to cope and that’s obviously not shit hot parenting because I’m so bloody exhausted I haven’t socialised or even watched a tv show for years. I’ve not had any sort of break And I’m incredibly lonely and fed up. I have a postgraduate degree and can’t hold down a job . he had me awake for hours last night crying and I sat with him, made him drinks etc but this morning he hates me again and tells me not to speak to him.

This sounds hard, but you need to set some boundaries and teach him to respect you, or things will only get worse. What are the consequences of his poor behaviour? If there are none, then you need to start introducing some. Children should not be ruling the roost, especially not age 6. Discipline is your friend here. The idea that giving kids everything they want will make them happy is not right - what makes children happy is having boundaries and being able to self regulate. Give him those things, not the console, the tv and all the stuff.

This sounds like a very difficult way for both you and your little boy to live, and I think there are a few issues here which is making it seem hopeless and overwhelming.

You sound tired and defeated. Do you think that you are suffering with depression? I think it would be worth seeing your GP about it and asking for some mental health support in the first instance. You need your oxygen mask on first before you can help your boy.

It sounds like your boy might be struggling with some neurodiversity, you mention that he ticks all the boxes for autism. Another thing to consider might be attachment, but these things can be very similar in presentation. I suggest asking school to refer him to the Neurodevelopment Pathway or CAMHS, depending on the process in your area.

This will take time, so in the meantime have a look at Newbold Hope which is a good website and Fb group about PDA and anything you can find out about autism/PDA parenting.

You both deserve to be happier, and to have a better relationship with each other, and it does sound like you need help, both with your own mental health and his potential needs.

Wishing you and your boy love and light, and strength for your journey together.

@Itiswhatitisispose yes i understand, the waiting list for these assessments are horrendous, particularly post-covid.
But specifically I mean therapy for you. Perhaps if you speak to somebody at camhs, they will be able to recommend a therapist for YOU, (they may not provide one , but a recommendation would be a starting point) perhaps someone who can put a name to what you’re experiencing, and give you coping strategies while you await assessment for your little boy. These kind of therapists do exist, and they may be able to recommend somebody who works privately too, if that’s something you could afford.

You sound absolutely burnt out and trapped and it’s hard to find your compassion and patience under such massive stress.

I do what I can to keep myself safe from him. He refuses to engage with me, I’ve needed emergency dentistry and have a constant array of bruises. So I provide for him the best way I can. He goes to a childminder he behaves for , he eats what she cooks him, he doesn’t hurt her or damage her house. Then he comes home and behaves awful here. I’ve lost all sense of anything now. I have zero friends or contact with family. Last night he kept me awake for hours wailing and screaming and I haven’t even had the energy to tidy up today. If I speak to him he tells me not to and to go away. That’s how his dad is too. Hence my concern it’s not a phase.

Also for what it’s worth, I think when your life suddenly involves such massive adjustment for things that in the past have been normal and easy, it becomes very depressing indeed and it’s really hard to identify a way out because the brain gets in the habit of dead end thinking, which is a vicious cycle. Even something like a trip to the shop needs epic preparation , so small problems start to seem insurmountable.
sometimes just learning one or two new coping strategies can give us freedom and space to see problems from a healthier perspective, which is where eventually we find new solutions.

Thanks I’ll order this now.

This is so true. I think unless you live in fear of behaviours and on the knife edge of never knowing if they’ll cooperate and get ready for school that day or if you’ll find something you love cut up or smashed or in the bin and you can’t ever go on days out or holidays or even to the park and enjoy anything anyone else takes for granted in your own then compared to having a really positive experience before in what were, on paper harder circumstances because we had no money and I had to work shit jobs to make ends meet but we were happy and did nice things and went on adventures. I can’t remember the last time DS and I even had a conversation. He never wants to go anywhere with me. He just wants his father but his father isn’t game so the cycle perpetuates. My mental health is fucked by it all now though, and because I dont really have any outside life anymore I’ve no sense of perspective or anything.

In addition to the book The Explosive Child there is a forum called conduct disorders dot com where parents can post about their super-difficult children.