Husband booked parents evening for when I am not availabe

[SophieD1987]

AIBU?

I was away with work this week with dinner booked with work colleagues at 6pm, and getting a taxi with them at 5.45pm.

At 5.30pm I looked at my personal emails to see my son’s primary school had sent out the parents evening booking link earlier that day (with no warning) to go live at 6pm that evening. One of the two dates offered I was unable to do as I am seeing my oldest friend for a picnic after school with my son - first time seeing her in about a year as she lives a long way away and is here visiting her parents. I had put that I was seeing my friend in me and my husband’s shared calendar on our phones and spoken to him about it.

Because of this I wanted to make sure we got an appointment on the day we both could do. I immediately tried to call my husband several times, I texted, forwarded the email the school to him asking to book via the link but in both text and email I asked him to make sure he avoided the date I could not do.

Anyway no response from husband, so I apologised to my work colleagues and booked an appointment for a time both my husband and I could do (outside of both our working hours) on the correct date.

Husband texts 5 minutes later to say he has booked the appointment.

He then calls me to ask why I had tried calling him 🤣. I obviously explained I was calling about the parents evening and had also booked an appointment but said we’d work out which one we want and cancel the other.

Anyway husband was adamant today that his time an hour earlier (when he should be working) was a better time because it would mean only one trip to pick up our son.

So I cancel the appointment I had booked and go with his as I didn’t think it was worth an argument over!

Anyway, we go out for dinner tonight with my son and husband and husband mentions in passing about the parents evening on xxxx. And it turns out he had booked the appointment for the exact time I could not do! (All appointments on both days have now gone).

Husband says I shouted at him in the restaurant. As far as I was concerned I absolutely did not shout, and was completely in control, but I felt I was very direct and robust and questioned how he could have not have checked our shared calendar, read my text or the beginning of the email with the link where I said please do not book it for Tuesday….

I asked my son (who is 5) if I had shouted in the restaurant and he said you spoke in a loud voice but you were not shouting. I wouldn’t normally ask him as I do try to avoid bringing him into arguments of course, but it is hard when someone is telling you you did something when I don’t feel I did.

Anyway husband is now in a mood with me, telling me how unreasonable I was. And how dare I ask our son if I had shouted.

I guess I should just be gracious, forgive my husband for his mistake, apologise if he felt I shouted and apologise for asking our son if I did and speak to the teacher on Monday about the problem to see if we can move our appointment….

It all just feels very irritating!

Thanks I agree with you and I acknowledge I was wrong to do it in front of my child and to ask him.

We'll get reports next week, parents, evening Thursday.

Twenty three years of parent's evenings, never learned anything I didn't already know.

I think I misunderstood your first sentence - I thought you were describing my post thanking @Elieza as ‘nonsensical’. So apologies for that.

OP I really think you have lost perspective and constantly arguing with @EarringsandLipstick just doesn’t really help your argument.
Can I suggest that you read the thread from @milson who is literally fighting for her life and her thread has shown how amazing and strong she is ! This lady really just wants to live rather than worrying about parents evening!

I have done my fair share (ie most) of solo parents evenings. H and I just arguing over whether he's been to many. I reckon out of 15 parents evenings he's done 3, and almost no sports days.

Just be glad your dh is going. It really doesn't Need both parents.

Just trying to offer a different perspective here- he might not have really known quite how extremely important to you this was. As most of the responses have shown, most parents/teachers are quite relaxed about parents' evening. As you said, your dh went to many as a boy and knows they're not a big deal. So he might have thought "I know DW would ideally go with me, but I'd better book a slot quick and it won't matter if she can't go this time".

It's over the top for pp to call it gaslighting, strategic incompetence etc. I imagine he just didn't know how important this is to you. Because...it's unusual to take routine parents' evenings quite this seriously at age 5 (or any age).

Sometimes if something is very important to you, it's best to communicate that well in advance with your dh rather than relying on last minute texts and missed calls.

I'm not trying to be harsh - there are some things I am disproportionately focused on as a parent too. But I recognise that it's unusual on my part and acknowledge it and make it clear to dh eg "I know this might not seem like a big deal to you/most parents but I really want to attend every parents evening every time"

He won't make the mistake again

There are two issues here..

One is your disappointment at not going to parents evening. It is very normal for just one parent to go, but you seem to feel it needs you both there, or that you would do a better job of it than your DH. If there are specific things you want to discuss, get in touch with the teacher and arrange to meet another time. There's never enough time on parents evening to discuss anything other than very broad issues anyway, so I don't think you're missing anything by not going.

The other issue is the misunderstanding in organising... and if it was a misunderstanding or if your DH deliberately arranged it so you couldn't go. They are the only two options really. If it's the former, then it's a misunderstanding which can be frustrating (say, if you think he regularly doesn't listen to you, or think before making plans) and needs talking through. If it's the latter, then you have to ask why he would deliberately leave you out.

Whatever his reason, if it's a pattern of behaviour then I can see why you were annoyed. But it's never OK to drag a 5 year old in to an arguement.

I’m afraid my husband knew this was important to both of us.

Honestly, this is a storm in a teacup.

I completely understand why you feel it's important that you both attend parents evening.

Your husband made a mistake.

What definitely wasn't good was dragging your 5 year old into your row and asking him to pick sides. I'm glad you've taken on board that that was less than ideal.

In the grand scheme of things this is one parent teacher meeting out of god knows how many you'll have.

It's not a great advert for the school if the first you're hearing about issues is at parents evening so I'd hope that they're pretty on the ball in general and that you've already been told anything you needed to know.

I used to have them down to 2 minutes flat in most subjects by secondary - hello how are you is there anything you need to tell me that I don't already know thank you and good night.

It all just feels very irritating!

To be honest, you sound very irritating. It’s really not a big deal. Let your husband go and report back. Or if you think it’s important enough to cause a scene in a restaurant, amend the plans you have with your friend and prioritise this oh so important 10 minute slot.

I wasn't able to go to parents evening last year so I emailed the teacher and arranged to come in at a time I could make. It wasn't a big deal and we probably had a longer discussion than would've have been possible at parents evening. Could this be an option?

The fact that it's your first parents' evening for your only child and that you consider it important does not mean that both parents need to be there. As long as your husband can be trusted to listen and take notes if necessary, it should be fine for just him to attend. My dc are 15 and 18 and dh and I have never attended a parents' evening together.

The thing is it’s not because it’s not essential for the OP to be there that it’s wrong for her to expect to be there.

It also doesn’t mean that it’s nit an issue for her DH to organise stuff Wo taking her availability into account. Pretty normal that it will grate when the OP is putting the effort of thinking about her own DH availability as a matter of fact.

I get where the OP is coming from. I’d be gutted if I hadn’t been present for the first parents evening. Even more so with a child with SEN.
Bow that dcs are in 6th form…. It doesn’t feel as essential of course (even though, it’s amazing what you learn in 5 mins!)

Worst part of this is arguing about something so inconsequential infront of the child, let alone asking him a question in pretty sure he wouldn’t want to answer honestly.

This.

He sounds awful.

You must NEVER involve your son like that again.
This is confusing and damaging.

You relationship sounds a bit toxic, is it?

I have a child with very specific needs too and these were not discussed in a 5 min parents evening. Just how he’s doing overall or if we had a mdt meeting we didn’t do parents evening as it isn’t required so no pinning things on a quick chat with the teacher where nothing could be solved, def not in 5 minutes. I did many parents evenings on my own, (4 other kids) I wouldn’t worry too much if you’ve any worries etc about your child you can ask for a separate meeting with the teacher.

I don't think I've ever approached school or teachers about anything in the whole 10 years I've had kids there. DH and I have done parents evenings alone many times, I now know it doesnt need both parents there.

But I very much wanted to be there for my first DCs first parents evening in reception. I think most parents do and I don't think its hard to understand that.

The rest.....as PP have said, could be an over reaction by (both of?) you because you are (both?) spinning too many plates. Busy lives are stressful and sometimes balls get dropped and maybe this was the last straw. I can relate to this!

Or this part of a bigger picture with your DH that needs addressing.

You need to work out WHY this was such a big issue and deal accordingly.

just send your husband. It’s pretty predictable what the teachers will say and usually it’s just regurgitating everything you already know about your child.

Seriously?

OP I understand why you are frustrated that despite your efforts to find a mutually convenient time for parents evening, your husband booked one that is not suitable.

I have always wanted to go, (as has DH) and usually we both attend. I also know that it would have felt like more of a deal breaker in reception than it does later on in the school career (when you have realised they are all a but samey).

Ultimately, you have the option to rearrange with your friend - could you meet straight from parents' evening for example?
Or, trust that your DH is also a perfectly capable adult and can handle parents' evening alone. Sit down with him before hand if necessary with any questions/ concerns that need to be discussed with the teacher.

As others have said, parents evening shouldn't raise anything new anyway (as long as home school communication is working as it should).

This.

Honestly, the July parents' evening is completely pointless for everyone, but, if you feel it is so crucial that both of you are there, you had the option to not meet your friend / meet her earlier / later.

I am glad you have acknowledged you were wrong to drag your 5 yr old into taking sides in an argument between you and your dh, but maybe you should also think about where and when you argue with him too.

Bin him off then - poor bloke.

Think for once you've miscalculated...

You absolutely shouldn't have asked your 5 year old about it. I know that's not what you're asking, but that's the important bit to me.