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Original poster

Husband booked parents evening for when I am not availabe

126 replies

SophieD1987 · 07/07/2023 20:54

AIBU?

I was away with work this week with dinner booked with work colleagues at 6pm, and getting a taxi with them at 5.45pm.

At 5.30pm I looked at my personal emails to see my son’s primary school had sent out the parents evening booking link earlier that day (with no warning) to go live at 6pm that evening. One of the two dates offered I was unable to do as I am seeing my oldest friend for a picnic after school with my son - first time seeing her in about a year as she lives a long way away and is here visiting her parents. I had put that I was seeing my friend in me and my husband’s shared calendar on our phones and spoken to him about it.

Because of this I wanted to make sure we got an appointment on the day we both could do. I immediately tried to call my husband several times, I texted, forwarded the email the school to him asking to book via the link but in both text and email I asked him to make sure he avoided the date I could not do.

Anyway no response from husband, so I apologised to my work colleagues and booked an appointment for a time both my husband and I could do (outside of both our working hours) on the correct date.

Husband texts 5 minutes later to say he has booked the appointment.

He then calls me to ask why I had tried calling him 🤣. I obviously explained I was calling about the parents evening and had also booked an appointment but said we’d work out which one we want and cancel the other.

Anyway husband was adamant today that his time an hour earlier (when he should be working) was a better time because it would mean only one trip to pick up our son.

So I cancel the appointment I had booked and go with his as I didn’t think it was worth an argument over!

Anyway, we go out for dinner tonight with my son and husband and husband mentions in passing about the parents evening on xxxx. And it turns out he had booked the appointment for the exact time I could not do! (All appointments on both days have now gone).

Husband says I shouted at him in the restaurant. As far as I was concerned I absolutely did not shout, and was completely in control, but I felt I was very direct and robust and questioned how he could have not have checked our shared calendar, read my text or the beginning of the email with the link where I said please do not book it for Tuesday….

I asked my son (who is 5) if I had shouted in the restaurant and he said you spoke in a loud voice but you were not shouting. I wouldn’t normally ask him as I do try to avoid bringing him into arguments of course, but it is hard when someone is telling you you did something when I don’t feel I did.

Anyway husband is now in a mood with me, telling me how unreasonable I was. And how dare I ask our son if I had shouted.

I guess I should just be gracious, forgive my husband for his mistake, apologise if he felt I shouted and apologise for asking our son if I did and speak to the teacher on Monday about the problem to see if we can move our appointment….

It all just feels very irritating!

OP posts:
BumpyaDaisyevna · 07/07/2023 21:56

Don't ask your 5 year old to adjudicate on your behaviour in the restaurant!

QueensBees · 07/07/2023 22:00

My reaction would depend a lot on how he is normally.

quite helpful and considerate?
leaving you handling the whole SENCO stuff with no input in his part?
Reliable re sharing concerns you both have and in giving you feedback after tte meeting?
Are you on the same page re your dc struggles? And is he properly aware if them?

Because basically it’s only an issue (and will need another meeting with the teacher) if you feel you can’t 100% trust him.

As for the shouting. Maybe you have. But I’ve noticed that men often struggle to accept a woman being assertive in the same way a man can be…. And they certainly don’t like being help into account in a public place or in front if others.

Original poster
SophieD1987 · 07/07/2023 22:04

BumpyaDaisyevna · 07/07/2023 21:56

Don't ask your 5 year old to adjudicate on your behaviour in the restaurant!

Lesson learnt. I guess I just was struggling to understand my husband saying I had shouted when I really didn’t feel I had. And as the only other person there to ask I asked my son. But I realise I shouldn’t have brought him into it and I am sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
SophieD1987 · 07/07/2023 22:07

YourNameGoesHere · 07/07/2023 21:42

We had one parents evening in the first term. It didn’t seem pointless and was quite detailed and helpful.

I'm a teacher...they are indeed pointless. How can they be anything else when they last about 10 minutes.

Honestly anything of importance will have been communicated to you as and when required and the parents evening is just box ticking.

Ok I guess you are very used to them.

For me, as the parent of an only child and only our second parents evening ever I suppose it still feels very important from a parents perspective for me.

OP posts:
Dabralor · 07/07/2023 22:08

Can you not just ask school if they can change it?

Seems like a non drama.

Dabralor · 07/07/2023 22:10

If he's 5 it will probs be for his eyfs profile parents evening where they talk through his achievements at the end of that curriculum.

redskytwonight · 07/07/2023 22:12

If your child has specific needs to discuss, you want to organise a longer time probably outside of the main parents' evening anyway. Just ask to set up something for another time.

As regards booking the appointment, you were OTT and there was miscommunication on both sides. Husband made a mistake in booking the appointment, but you equally made a mistake in cancelling the other appointment without checking.

(not sure why your parents' evening system even let you book two slots tbh ...)

PinkStarAtNight · 07/07/2023 22:13

YWBU to ask your 5 year old son to get involved in an argument between his mum and dad and takes sides, but I think you know that. You say your son has 'very specific needs'. It sounds like the last thing he needs is to be dragged into his parents arguments

However, I do understand how frustrating it is to be told that you did something that you don't believe you did, when there's no one else there to prove or disprove. That doesn't exclude pulling your 5 year old into it, but I understand why you lost control and did that. I guess you need to think about how many times this sort of thing happens with your husband. If its just a one off then surely you can move past it? Bit, if you're getting upset because you find yourself constantly in these sorts of arguments, constantly feeling like he's undermined you, not listened to you, disregarded your feelings and then turned it all back on you saying you should apologise for shouting, when you don't even think you did shout...pushing you to a point where you haul your 5 year old into it because you have no one else to stick up for you...well, obviously that's a problem.

Only you know whether this is part of a pattern or a one off, and the advice is different depending on the answer to that.

Starlightstarbright2 · 07/07/2023 22:16

I am a Lp I managed them all on my own . I never understood why 2 parents went - surely - go home doing really , well lots of friends needs to keep up with reading over school holidays - job done.

my Ds also has Sen’s so it was a separate meeting even if senco are off .

Depending on needs by this time of year not much will happen . Make an appointment with new teacher after a few weeks.

Also bang out of order to involve your child in an argument

icanflytoday · 07/07/2023 22:17

We have never both been to a parents evening and I'm very involved and invested in my children's education.

Gracewithoutend · 07/07/2023 22:18

Husband says I shouted at him in the restaurant. As far as I was concerned I absolutely did not shout, and was completely in control, but I felt I was very direct and robust
I asked my son (who is 5) if I had shouted in the restaurant and he said you spoke in a loud voice but you were not shouting.

You were loud and 'robust' in a restaurant and you pulled your 5yo into an argument between you and your husband? It doesn't sound great.

ArnoldBee · 07/07/2023 22:20

If its a normal parents evening chat its literally 7 mins of your life. If your child has specific needs you should be having an additional structured conversation which should be 30 mins which you arrange by email.

Original poster
SophieD1987 · 07/07/2023 22:21

PinkStarAtNight · 07/07/2023 22:13

YWBU to ask your 5 year old son to get involved in an argument between his mum and dad and takes sides, but I think you know that. You say your son has 'very specific needs'. It sounds like the last thing he needs is to be dragged into his parents arguments

However, I do understand how frustrating it is to be told that you did something that you don't believe you did, when there's no one else there to prove or disprove. That doesn't exclude pulling your 5 year old into it, but I understand why you lost control and did that. I guess you need to think about how many times this sort of thing happens with your husband. If its just a one off then surely you can move past it? Bit, if you're getting upset because you find yourself constantly in these sorts of arguments, constantly feeling like he's undermined you, not listened to you, disregarded your feelings and then turned it all back on you saying you should apologise for shouting, when you don't even think you did shout...pushing you to a point where you haul your 5 year old into it because you have no one else to stick up for you...well, obviously that's a problem.

Only you know whether this is part of a pattern or a one off, and the advice is different depending on the answer to that.

Food for thought…. Probably part of a pattern in truth.

OP posts:
Original poster
SophieD1987 · 07/07/2023 22:24

Elieza · 07/07/2023 21:10

Your husbands an arse. He’s gaslighting his part in the whole thing instead of admitting he made a mistake and was too lazy to read your messages and take in what they said. Either that or he deliberately did the booking then to piss you off or prevent you seeing a friend - jealousy perhaps or fear you’re having an affair???

Whatever it is he’s the arse. I bet he expected a chocolate medal for booking it too…..

Id apologise for raising my voice in the restaurant. And if he wants to know what shouting at him sounds like you’d be happy to show him. With the windows open so the whole place can hear what an arse he is when it comes to reading texts and booking appointments….

Thank you.

OP posts:
lljkk · 07/07/2023 22:24

Parents' evening is usually not a good time to have a good chat about your child's needs. It's usually a 10 minute slot & it's very formulaic what teacher tries to say about each child. So basically ,time is too limited.

It can be great opportunity to actually see a lot of their work, but in terms of child's needs, better to make separate appointment to talk about those.

topcat2014 · 07/07/2023 22:25

Dear OP, parenting is a long old slog, and it doesn't always work perfectly. Send DH with written questions..

He will be more than capable x

EarringsandLipstick · 07/07/2023 22:27

@SophieD1987 I wouldn't be thanking @Elieza just because she appears to be on your side! That's a nonsensical post.

I feel sorry for you - obviously this meeting mattered to you, and I get that. As per PP though, there's no need for both of you to be there and it wasn't worth the over-hyped argument.

It'll be fine, you'll figure it all out over coming years!

EarringsandLipstick · 07/07/2023 22:27

topcat2014 · 07/07/2023 22:25

Dear OP, parenting is a long old slog, and it doesn't always work perfectly. Send DH with written questions..

He will be more than capable x

Good advice!

Original poster
SophieD1987 · 07/07/2023 22:29

EarringsandLipstick · 07/07/2023 22:27

@SophieD1987 I wouldn't be thanking @Elieza just because she appears to be on your side! That's a nonsensical post.

I feel sorry for you - obviously this meeting mattered to you, and I get that. As per PP though, there's no need for both of you to be there and it wasn't worth the over-hyped argument.

It'll be fine, you'll figure it all out over coming years!

Why do you feel you have a right to comment on how I respond to someone who has commented on this thread?

OP posts:
Original poster
SophieD1987 · 07/07/2023 22:31

lljkk · 07/07/2023 22:24

Parents' evening is usually not a good time to have a good chat about your child's needs. It's usually a 10 minute slot & it's very formulaic what teacher tries to say about each child. So basically ,time is too limited.

It can be great opportunity to actually see a lot of their work, but in terms of child's needs, better to make separate appointment to talk about those.

Thanks for the advice, I think I will email his teacher

OP posts:
Original poster
SophieD1987 · 07/07/2023 22:32

Gracewithoutend · 07/07/2023 22:18

Husband says I shouted at him in the restaurant. As far as I was concerned I absolutely did not shout, and was completely in control, but I felt I was very direct and robust
I asked my son (who is 5) if I had shouted in the restaurant and he said you spoke in a loud voice but you were not shouting.

You were loud and 'robust' in a restaurant and you pulled your 5yo into an argument between you and your husband? It doesn't sound great.

Ok I take that on board, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
SophieD1987 · 07/07/2023 22:35

topcat2014 · 07/07/2023 22:25

Dear OP, parenting is a long old slog, and it doesn't always work perfectly. Send DH with written questions..

He will be more than capable x

Ok, thank you!

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 07/07/2023 22:37

Why do you feel you have a right to comment on how I respond to someone who has commented on this thread?

It's kind of how forums work?!

Pretty rude reply to a supportive post from me tho 🤷🏻‍♀️

(Her take on it was batshit but I get it, you just want posts that knock DH, praise you. Got it).

EarringsandLipstick · 07/07/2023 22:38

@SophieD1987

Here's what I wrote:

I feel sorry for you - obviously this meeting mattered to you, and I get that. As per PP though, there's no need for both of you to be there and it wasn't worth the over-hyped argument.

It'll be fine, you'll figure it all out over coming years!

And that got a snippy retort from you? Ok 🤷🏻‍♀️

Casmama · 07/07/2023 22:40

I'm sure the teacher wouldn't mind if you contacted the school and asked for an alternative- perhaps a Teams call or something- to understand a bit more about how he is getting on.
Whether your husband would get on board with that idea or not is another question