Husband booked parents evening for when I am not availabe

[SophieD1987]

AIBU?

I was away with work this week with dinner booked with work colleagues at 6pm, and getting a taxi with them at 5.45pm.

At 5.30pm I looked at my personal emails to see my son’s primary school had sent out the parents evening booking link earlier that day (with no warning) to go live at 6pm that evening. One of the two dates offered I was unable to do as I am seeing my oldest friend for a picnic after school with my son - first time seeing her in about a year as she lives a long way away and is here visiting her parents. I had put that I was seeing my friend in me and my husband’s shared calendar on our phones and spoken to him about it.

Because of this I wanted to make sure we got an appointment on the day we both could do. I immediately tried to call my husband several times, I texted, forwarded the email the school to him asking to book via the link but in both text and email I asked him to make sure he avoided the date I could not do.

Anyway no response from husband, so I apologised to my work colleagues and booked an appointment for a time both my husband and I could do (outside of both our working hours) on the correct date.

Husband texts 5 minutes later to say he has booked the appointment.

He then calls me to ask why I had tried calling him 🤣. I obviously explained I was calling about the parents evening and had also booked an appointment but said we’d work out which one we want and cancel the other.

Anyway husband was adamant today that his time an hour earlier (when he should be working) was a better time because it would mean only one trip to pick up our son.

So I cancel the appointment I had booked and go with his as I didn’t think it was worth an argument over!

Anyway, we go out for dinner tonight with my son and husband and husband mentions in passing about the parents evening on xxxx. And it turns out he had booked the appointment for the exact time I could not do! (All appointments on both days have now gone).

Husband says I shouted at him in the restaurant. As far as I was concerned I absolutely did not shout, and was completely in control, but I felt I was very direct and robust and questioned how he could have not have checked our shared calendar, read my text or the beginning of the email with the link where I said please do not book it for Tuesday….

I asked my son (who is 5) if I had shouted in the restaurant and he said you spoke in a loud voice but you were not shouting. I wouldn’t normally ask him as I do try to avoid bringing him into arguments of course, but it is hard when someone is telling you you did something when I don’t feel I did.

Anyway husband is now in a mood with me, telling me how unreasonable I was. And how dare I ask our son if I had shouted.

I guess I should just be gracious, forgive my husband for his mistake, apologise if he felt I shouted and apologise for asking our son if I did and speak to the teacher on Monday about the problem to see if we can move our appointment….

It all just feels very irritating!

No, you started your message with, ‘ I wouldn't be thanking @Elieza just because she appears to be on your side! That's a nonsensical post.’

Awww. I feel badly now. 😔 I hope you get it sorted so you can both be there if it's important to you but, I will say, my husband and I never went together because one of us stayed at home with the children. It's all pretty standard what they say.

That's a really patronising response which didn't come across as very supportive to me

Good suggestion, I may ask that. 😊

She missed the bit off at the beginning of her post where she told me I shouldn’t have thanked someone for their post.

Funnily enough we had a discussion about this today - because apparently his mum took him to all his primary school parents evenings whereas mine didn’t until secondary school.

This is just an everyday, pretty mundane, misunderstanding. Your DH is not in the wrong, he was trying to book it, but forgot your plans. It happens. The time you’ve spent typing this post out you could have just rang or emailed the school.

On a Friday evening?

And this was actually important to me. I really wanted to ensure I could go to this parents evening for various reasons I haven’t gone into fully here.

@SophieD1987

That's right I did. It was!

I was then supportive of you but only got a snide reply in return

That's ok. You want people to support your position not offer a perspective. Just say that then!

That's a really patronising response which didn't come across as very supportive to me

@Casmama

Hand on heart not meant as such.

I genuinely feel sorry for OP. Of course meetings like this seem really important - I get that.

In reality it's fine for DH to go & she over-reacted

I meant it sincerely & not patronisingly.

(Elieza's post was wildly demonising the DH with no basis tho)

She missed the bit off at the beginning of her post where she told me I shouldn’t have thanked someone for their post.

'she' didn't!

I explained the two things were distinct. You got rubbish advice on your DH being gaslighting & doing this all the time etc based on nothing you said - I expressed that view.

Then I sympathised genuinely with your situation. That's the bit I quoted a second time & you hadn't the courtesy to acknowledge that.

Ok. It's fine - your thread & you want a certain kind of response. I wish you the best!

I guess I didn’t really see your entire response as very supportive given at the beginning you were telling me off for thanking someone for their post.

Didn’t really set things up for a ‘supportive tone’.

I didn’t see them as distinct? When did you explain this?

The rest of your post didn’t come across as sympathetic either other than saying you ‘felt sorry for me’ which came across as patronising I’m afraid

Funnily enough we had a discussion about this today - because apparently his mum took him to all his primary school parents evenings whereas mine didn’t until secondary school.

I never went with my parents to parents evening. It wasn't allowed back then. They wanted to discuss you without you listening in. Haha. Personally, I think that's the best way unless there's a serious problem.
With my children, I could have written the reports. Same every year. They're doing OK but they could work harder, apply themselves better, not do the minimum to get by... Sounds very much like their mother's reports. 😆 But 🤫

@SophieD1987

Look I doubt you need this back & forth with me, so I'll leave it after this post (really don't want to derail your thread!))

I was clearly supportive & I've reiterated that. If you don't want to see that, that's your choice.

I was critical of the other poster who leaped massively to your DH being a gaslighting arse, her words, which is just silly on the basis of what you've said. I wasn't getting at you, in fact.

Hope you get everything sorted.

If you had read my other responses you would see I am taking on board feedback that is not positive also.

The rest of your post didn’t come across as sympathetic either other than saying you ‘felt sorry for me’ which came across as patronising I’m afraid

You know what, I've explained myself a number of times. Clearly expressed empathy. Emphasised I was not being patronising. Hoped you get sorted.

You're still picking away at my posts.

I'm sorry you're in distress. Maybe it's worth taking posters at face value - I meant to be supportive. As you have decided I'm not, I'll wish you well.

If you had read my other responses you would see I am taking on board feedback that is not positive also.

I read all your posts.

If you have read them then you wouldn’t have felt the need to say I only wanted comments from people who agreed with me would you.

Yeah so strange, I am sure it wasn’t allowed at my school. But hubby says he went to all of them and we’re the same age. My parents would still always get a babysitter for us for parents evening.

@EarringsandLipstick 's post was pretty clearly supportive from where I was reading.

But do read @Moveoverdarlin 's post at 22:49 again.

When you are both out at work, and have a child, life is busy. People do sometimes make mistakes, and sometimes there isn't even a mistake, but one of you just takes responsibility for something and might make a slightly different choice from the choice the other partner would make.

What you need to do is work on how the two of you resolve your differences.

I guess someone starting off their post by telling me not to thank someone else for their post, didn’t come across as very supportive.

I mean it’s not how I would start a post that I was intending to be supportive of someone else anyway.

Thanks for your input though, it’s helpful to hear your perspective ☺️

It is?

Did he?

Even without my having just text him, and having included the information asking him not to book an appointment on that day at the top of the email which shared the booking link, surely any normal person would check your shared calendar on their phone (that they are using to book the appointment) to make sure you were both free, knowing we would both want to be there.

I think your over the top and you were way wrong to get your 5 year old involved and tbh wrong to cause a scene about it at dinner. We would never do this with our kids. If we don't always agree we hold it until the kids are in bed then sort our difference out. Never should you make a child take any sides its so wrong. Either way I think its just miscommunication and hardly a big deal either parent goes in our case