DH never prioritises me

[feelingpathetic1]

I feel pretty pathetic writing this (hence the username), and I’m probably being needy/clingy, but it feels like my DH never prioritises me and I’m so lonely.

He’s out at work drinks again tonight, which is quite a regular event. He’ll get the last train home and I’ll pick him up from the station (about 4 miles away). It’s got to the point where he just assumes I’ll be there to get him. He always stays out till the last train, so I spend my evening waiting up for him. I feel like he just expects me to wait around for him.

It feels like he never chooses me. He never wants to spend time with me as his first choice. We’ve had this conversation (argument?) so many times, he’d rather go out with friends, attend or do sports events, hang out with his work colleagues. He’s out of the house minimum 12 hours a day for work anyway - and he wants to spend his evenings with them too?

He says I need to tell him when I don’t want him to do something. But that to me is even worse? What sort of wife would that make me to tell him to spend time with me? I want him to choose me, I want him to want to spend time with me. He seems to choose everything and everyone but me.

He blames the fact I work from home. I work full-time hours, take care of our dog, do most of the housework. And sit here like a mug waiting to pick him up from another night out.

I’m fairly sure he’s like this because his parents’ relationship is much the same - they never spend time together, pretty much appear like acquaintances to each other, so he’s never seen what a ‘proper’, loving couple is like.

Sorry for the huge rant, I’m just venting. I keep on and on saying to him that I want us to be a team, he says we’re a team just by dint of being married, but he never ever picks me unless he really has to.

I think this is sparked by the other thread about an OP deciding between going out with work colleagues or spending the evening with her DH - and so many posters are saying that of course they’d want to spend the evening with their husband as their first choice. So why doesn’t he feel like that about me? 😢

Tell him to call a taxi and switch your phone off for starters.

Do you think you should separate?

@PrincessofWellies thank you for replying. We’ve only been married for a month, together for 7 years in total. I don’t know how to make it better. I can keep telling him how I feel until I’m blue in the face but he says it’s because I work from home and going for a run would make me feel better.

He wants to start trying for DC and I know for a fact that everything to do with the DC would fall to me. I can’t have a baby while things are like this and while I feel so alone.

Absolutely not pathetic, I would feel the same in your shoes. How long has it been like this?
This is not normal, and you have every right to be upset.

Just seen your last post. Absolutely don't have a child with him unless this improves dramatically.

Thank you for replying @AuraBora

At least since we moved into our own place, so about two years. I was having counselling at the time and I remember crying to my counsellor about being on my own. We lived with DH’s parents before that to save up, and I think I didn’t notice as much because even if he wasn’t there, somebody else was, IYSWIM?

He's been doing this for years but you married him?

Yes @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune. In the mistaken (?) belief this was a ‘me’ problem/because I hate to be nag/because my self esteem is crap/because he says he loves me, but doesn’t seem to know how to show it. One or all of those options.

Well don't have DC with him.

It seems you are the domestic appliance to keep house, be his taxi, provide 50% of the household income and provide sex.

Op, just admit you've made a massive mistake in marrying him and end it. Please, please do not have children with this man. You know how you feel now? You will feel 1,000x lonelier and more resentful if you threw a baby into the mix. DON'T HAVE A BABY WITH HIM.

Leave him and find someone who actually wants to share their life with you.

If it's bad now. It will not get better.
People do not change.
This is him. Realistically you shouldn't have married him but I suspect you know that and probably wished you had walked away.
It's not to late though. It's easier to leave when there are no children involved.

Do not have children with a man who always puts himself first. If he's not prioritising you now then he's never going to when there's children. It's very lonely having children and a non helpful partner. Being stuck at home whilst he goes swanning off with lead to a lot of resentment. I suggest first things first and it's a no to being his personal taxi. Tell him your going out, and he needs to make his own way home. Tell him your going for an early night so he will have to make his own way home. Secondly, next time he mentions children tell him he's priorities will need to be on your family not just his social life. If he has zero intention of changing his ways then you'll 100% regret having children with a man who has no interest in spending time with his family. Good luck x

This x 1000.

My ex fiance was like this. His excuse was "we just like different things" well no I want to spend time with my partner and you don't so its more than just having different interests.

I realised, for different reasons, a month after marrying my first husband, that he didn’t prioritise me. I allowed fear of jusdgement of others to stop me leaving him then and there and if I could go back in time and change that without willing the children we had together out of existence, then I would. Life is too fucking short, cut your losses. If you split, what are you losing? Nothing. Don’t pick him up tonight. Go out, go to the cinema by yourself, and enjoy the feeling of putting yourself first.

If I were you I would just start prioritising your own stuff the way he does

do you have any interests / hobbies/ friendships that you enjoy doing instead of waiting around for him?

It

This was exactly what my exH was like, I thought it was OK but in the end his socialising lead to him having an affair (which started within a year of us being married). I'm now with someone who chooses and wants to spend time with me and it's so so different. As hard as it'll be, I think I'd try and just rip the plaster off now, OP and find someone more in line with you to have DC with.

In the meantime, no way would I be waiting up to chauffeur him home after his nights out! I also agree with PPs who have suggested prioritising your own life, hobbies, friends etc.

Do not get pregnant by this selfish man child. Switch off your phone and make him get an Uber or walk.

OP
Is this the life you want?
I’m torn here. Option 1 you have a very serious measured talk with him where you tell him that this isn’t the life you are prepared to live. No argument, no ultimatum. Option 2- just leave . There’s nothing more humiliating than trying to make someone spend time with you.

Two issues here Imo.

-1 you are prioritising him in a way he doesn’t do fir you. Why are you waiting fir him to come back home? Just organise your own evening doing something you enjoy. You’re not at his beck and call. You’re not a servant there to ease his life day in, day out. Like going to pick him up at the end of the evening. Or a parent (I noticed he moved from living with his parents to living with you too….)

-2 dint believe what he says (I love you), believe what he does (going out with mates vs with you). If he prefers to be with his mates/colleagues rather than you, if that’s a normal occurence, then listen. He us telling you he doesn’t love you. He doesn’t want to spend time with you. He might love the life you are offering to him. The washing that is done, the taxi driver, sex or simply looking like a family man and having done what society expects him to do but he doesn’t love YOU, as a person.
Do you want to live like that? With someone who doesn’t care about you?

Text him and tell him you are going out and don't pick him up. Go for a drive somewhere, even if its literally just to a supermarket 5 miles away whichever just get yourself out the house and be unavailable and not at his back and call. Don't beg for his attention.
Just start doing your own thing massively. He will either a) realise he's losing you and try and win you back or b) carry on as he is which will make you feel sad and does he really not care? And unfortunately, potentially, he may not care. You have to prepare your heart for that fact. Have no self pity-get strong and love yourself and start doing some work on your self esteem x

He doesn’t care about you as a person. He only cares about what you can “provide” him.
Stop waiting around for him. Stop picking him up after a night out. Look after yourself they way he looks out for himself.
Next thing to do…plan your exit. If you have a child with this man you will be even more stuck. Please see you worth NOW! You are worth someone’s love and attention 💪🏼

Btw, you’re right you shouldn’t be nagging.
You shouldn’t need to beg for him to spend time with you.

Actually you shouldn’t need to nag for him to cook, clean etc… either.

All of that should be a given and not something you should repeatedly ask fir and settle fir crumbs (as a usual end point because you never get the whole thing from nagging(

All of this. People marry the wrong person, it happens, there's a way out. You've realised that you have a huge self esteem problem and it's good that you recognise that. Now it's time to get out of this bad relationship and work on your confidence and wellbeing.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I've been in your position and all I can say is -

Run.
Do not have children with a man like this. He will not change.
You will gaslight yourself into this king that he will and will try to see the best in him.
He won't and he will get worse when children come along.