DH never prioritises me

[feelingpathetic1]

I feel pretty pathetic writing this (hence the username), and I’m probably being needy/clingy, but it feels like my DH never prioritises me and I’m so lonely.

He’s out at work drinks again tonight, which is quite a regular event. He’ll get the last train home and I’ll pick him up from the station (about 4 miles away). It’s got to the point where he just assumes I’ll be there to get him. He always stays out till the last train, so I spend my evening waiting up for him. I feel like he just expects me to wait around for him.

It feels like he never chooses me. He never wants to spend time with me as his first choice. We’ve had this conversation (argument?) so many times, he’d rather go out with friends, attend or do sports events, hang out with his work colleagues. He’s out of the house minimum 12 hours a day for work anyway - and he wants to spend his evenings with them too?

He says I need to tell him when I don’t want him to do something. But that to me is even worse? What sort of wife would that make me to tell him to spend time with me? I want him to choose me, I want him to want to spend time with me. He seems to choose everything and everyone but me.

He blames the fact I work from home. I work full-time hours, take care of our dog, do most of the housework. And sit here like a mug waiting to pick him up from another night out.

I’m fairly sure he’s like this because his parents’ relationship is much the same - they never spend time together, pretty much appear like acquaintances to each other, so he’s never seen what a ‘proper’, loving couple is like.

Sorry for the huge rant, I’m just venting. I keep on and on saying to him that I want us to be a team, he says we’re a team just by dint of being married, but he never ever picks me unless he really has to.

I think this is sparked by the other thread about an OP deciding between going out with work colleagues or spending the evening with her DH - and so many posters are saying that of course they’d want to spend the evening with their husband as their first choice. So why doesn’t he feel like that about me? 😢

If you have children with him then you are stuck with him and his poor behaviour for years, irrespective of whether you stay together or not.

I know you just got married and I know you're probably feeling all kinds of guilt at potentially wasting money on the wedding - I know I did.

But do not do what I did. I stayed. I had the children and whilst I adore them, staying with him was THE worst decision I ever made and I knew deep down that I shouldn't do it. But I kept ignoring that increasingly loud voice in my head that told me to leave.

That behaviour makes you question yourself. It makes you feel crazy and it can make you feel alone. It's not right and it's not his a healthy relationship should be.

Xxx

Hmmm I have a similiarish experience. When I met my husband I felt like I eas always on his low prioritylist, he'd call me up and tell me about all the cool stuff he was doing that weeken and how he could probably see me on Sunday about 7 pm. ... but only if his parents did t need the car. I felt so needy and pathetic complaining about it. Like my life was so crap I needed him to fill it or tgsr I wasn't worthy of his time. I therefore stuffed it in for a long time. I felt like I was pathetic and needy. He's also a very helpful person. This is great. But sometimes ( and yes I am being a bit unreasonable) it felt like hed prioritise spending the day helping some new work colleague move house than see me. He tried so hard to be every ones 'best mate' and I'd get the tired guy who wants to get a deliveroo and watch tv,

It took years and a lot of arguments and near breakup to change it. You need to be the priority. Not the boys at work. That's not to say he can't go out or have fun without you. It's just planning it so that 'peak' time is split fairly. Or that a night out at work is followed by whatever you want to do another day. Or you feel like you are part of the plan.

My oh is a lot better now. But I wish I'd been more assertive earlier on. I felt unlovable complaining about it. So stand your ground. You are not being unreasonable and he owes you respect. You are not a taxi service or his mother.

We still argue sometimes about work tbh. He just refuses to acknowledge any issues I have with him being away for work. I. His mind that's work and I have no right to moan about it. But he sometimes isn't very organised and ends up scheduling trips at really tricky times like teaching strikes. - my job suffers. But but he is so much better. Have Holme!

I’d end the relationship. He has no interest in your happiness.

If you do decide to stay with him, don’t have DC. Would you want your kids to feel this way about their dad?

It's hideous that he tries to make you feel like it's your fault that you feel bad for basically living life as a single person. I think he needs a very strong taste of his own medicine.
If that doesn't change things, cut him loose and find a real partner.
No-one deserved to feel ignored, lonely and neglected. Big hugs. I was in the same boat once, I stayed in the boat way too long. Don't make the same mistake I did.

There’s something called separation or divorce OP. I know other have said it but it’s a major error getting married to him. That’s been done, but thankfully can be undone. Do t have kids with him otherwise you will be a single mother, I guarantee you. I would start by not picking him up for starters, then have a chat about separation as you feel like you’re just a box that’s been ticked as a life event and nothing more. Being married to a man child doesn’t make you a team. What you’ve described just shows that you’re on your own and he’s not prepared to share his life with you in the ways that matter to you. It’s very painful for a married woman to say her husband doesn’t choose or prioritise her. Don’t have give with him! You’d regret it

In his eyes, you only exist to facilitate his life. Bring in 50%, provide for the dog, clean his house, act as taxi, chef, and shag piece. That’s it.

I would not recommend having children unless he has a serious epiphany. Then you’d be really fucked.

PLease Op end your marriage. He thinks you should live pretty separate lives, other than you should do his washing and cleaning, and be his taxi service (and I imagine a host of other stuff you do for him). He's rather be out with his mates than with his wife.

This stuff usually gets worse, not better. You might think now 'but we've had 7 years together and only just got married, I can't walk away'...but imagine 5 years from now:

He's the same (likely worse); you might have a child (and live in resentment that he has the life of a single man while you're juggling work, child and home. By this time he's probably have started staying out overnights because you can't pick him up from the station / to avoid night feeds). OR you've realised you couldn't have a child with him, but you really want a child and are wondering how long you can leave it before it isn't an option. You've started to really hate him. You have pretty separate lives. By that time, you've been together 12 years and married for 5, and it's even harder to walk away.

You know where you stand with him. He says he loves you but shows no sign of it. The best time to leave is now. You have more of your life ahead of you, plenty of time to enjoy being single and to meet someone else, someone who will value you and want to be with you, and who you will have no doubt loves you.

Don't feel any shame. The shame is his. He's a rubbish husband. He isn't cut out for marriage. Ending a marriage isn't failure. It's a really good sign that you know and value yourself. Just explain to him - it isn't working for you. You want a husband who values you and doesn't prefer his mates.

And don't let him convince you that what he does is 'normal'. It really isn't.

I forgot to say... in the meantime, stop collecting him from the station. It's crazy to stay up all evening just waiting to go and pick him up. He is putting himself first. You're putting him first. You need to start putting you first. If you want to go to bed or go out, or just sit in your PJs with a glass of wine, tell him you aren't picking him up. He can make other arrangements.

I'm amazed at how selfish he is. I wouldn't expect my DH to turn out regularly late at night for me. I certainly wouldn't assume he would.

Do you ever get out with your friends?
What's your relationship like when you do spend time together? Do you get out and do things?

He should want to hang out with you. You should be his person. Nothing wrong with the odd solo hobby but this sounds soul destroying. I think you need to leave this guy to his busy life that doesn’t include you and look for s better one!

You've just described my very recent ex.
I've just spent 15 years in the same situation.
I actually used to say he was the star of our show and I was the supporting act.
His wants and needs always came first, my life or feelings weren't important.
I spent most of those 15 yrs waiting for him to do whatever it was he wanted, gym, mates, sporting events etc.
Picking him up, dropping him off.
I was unhappy, deep down, for most of those 15 yrs.
He always said he loved me and I let the situation carry on because I loved him.
I was his "ride or die".
We had no DC together, we're older than you I think
I'm now late 50's and believe me I so regret not getting out sooner, I've wasted 15 yrs.
Finally realised that life is far too short and believe me it is.
Don't be me, he won't change, get out now while you're still young enough to start again.
It's scary, sad, heartbreaking but you'll get over it and continue with your life.
❤️

Look, this is how he is. You’ve repeatedly told him you it upsets you, he carried on and you even married him. He won’t change. You being miserable about his behaviour is not an incentive for him to change. Let that sink in.

This pattern will repeat over and over. Something upsetting you will never be reason enough for that thing to stop happening.

Accept your marriage is over. Get some counselling, build yourself up and find a better man.

You are right to resist children with this man. Has he actually asked you what you want?

it will only get worse. He'll carry on his single life, going out with friends and seeing you as his taxi service. Plus you'll do the lioness's share of childcare

it's a shame you have now realised who he is, but honestly it really isn't the end of the world now, as it would be if you keep soldiering on for decades and then realise it. Better make the decision to part if he's unwilling to change (and it sounds like he's clueless as to anyone else's needs but his own).

Do not have a child with someone who doesn't love you or want to be with you.

You are wasting time.

Sell the house.

Leave.

Your life is only going to get a lot worse.

Consider a job move that isn't wfh.

Have you family and friends to talk to?

Don't settle for so so little.

This rings all sorts of alarm bells for me because I was married for a long time, too long, to a man like this. It started off as an obsession with cricket and the responsibilities of being club captain, to getting a job that meant working away a lot, and then the cricket switched to golf. He always told me I needed to get a hobby and life of my own when I complained. Like you I was always there to service his life, looking after the house/child, picking him up etc etc.

What I didn't realise until I got out and got into therapy was that he had a severe problem with intimacy and had a dismissive avoidant attachment style. He was masking it with his hobbies and workaholism. It was not surprising I ended up with him as I spent my whole childhood ignored by dismissive, selfish parents so I assumed there was something wrong with me.

Unfortunately @feelingpathetic1 , it takes a lot of therapy to change an avoidant attachment style and they don't usually volunteer because it works for them, keeping you at arms length. His parents are the same so you can see where it comes from.

I would suggest therapy for you, absolutely worth it and read up on dismissive avoidant attachment. I'm now with a wonderful man that loves me properly. Don't waste your life being the support act to a selfish man .

This!
I will say it again do not have a baby with this man.

@feelingpathetic1

You really need to change your user name to something positive.

As many others have said, many with the exact same experience, do not get pregnant by this selfish bastard.

And do not believe any sudden attitude improvements or he'll trap you by making you think he's changed.

Selfish people struggle to become unselfish (if change is possible, I don't know) as it's their nature. If he realises you don't want children with him and are possibly leaving, he may up his game. He may start doing the things you want but again, it's for his benefit, not yours. When he's got what he wants he'll revert back to the selfish arsehole he really is. But then you're stuck with him for at least 18 years

Do you ever go out together?

Hi OP.

I think it’s time for you to assert what you want.

Can you finish the sentence… “I need….” and keep going until you have written down all your needs.

These sentences becomes your truth. And they will never stop being true no matter how hard you try.

Look at all these women who have been in the same situation as you and didn’t get what they need for decades. But they never got used to it. That’s because if your needs aren’t being met you will never feel ok.

Your partner doesn’t have to give you what you need, but if he can’t then you need someone who can.

State what you need to your partner, state it clearly and repeat it. And if he doesn’t step up then you get what you need somewhere else.

Do you have your own friends? Go out, have fun. Book yourself a weekend break. Start building your own life it's difficult to see what he brings to this relationship.

Just to add, the reason he chose you as a partner is because you are undemanding ie don't want to tell him what to do, spoil his fun, don't assert your needs because you are unsure if you have any rights to needs of your own. This relationship wouldn't have lasted five minutes if you had been more demanding.

I was exactly the same, a perfect match for someone who wanted his own way because he would play on my guilt, the same way your husband undermines and dismisses your feelings.

Unfortunately what I found if I did insist on family time together he would be silent and uncommunicative and obviously didn't want to be there. It was utterly miserable and pointless.

The only part you can fix here is you, work on your self esteem and assertiveness, get to the point where you don't need him as much. Wishing and wanting him to pick you won't work unless he's willing to work on his avoidance.

Also don't make the mistake, like me, in thinking having children will bring him round. It won't. I was completely alone during the pregnancy and a single parent in a marriage. He is now estranged from our daughter, treated her exactly the same after we divorced.

It's very easy for people to say leave, you're probably still hoping for change or a miracle. I hope you work this out. You deserve more.

Behave like a doormat you'll get treated like a doormat. Raise your standards ffs

He says I need to tell him when I don’t want him to do something. But that to me is even worse? What sort of wife would that make me to tell him to spend time with me? I want him to choose me, I want him to want to spend time with me. He seems to choose everything and everyone but me

I completely understand how you feel and I don't think he's very interested in you OP, as a person. He might be interested in the services you provide - taxi, sex, maybe housework, but that's not the same as being interested in you are a personality. I know what it feels like when someone seems to mainly want to spend time with you when they've ticked off their other more interesting priorities off their list.

I although I do understand the need for clear communication, and talking about your needs, he is placing all of this situation on your shoulders but he mostly likely knows what he's saying is bollocks. It's nice that he married you, but some men marry their partners for status or to 'lock them down'.....it doesn't mean they automatically respect you, love you or that they're interested in you (especially if they plan to spend most of their time away from you). In fact, your tolerance to this situation thus far might be a major reason why he did marry you. He might be thinking what a lucky man he is to have found a woman who is willing to live in this kind of arrangement with him, and married you for it.

Basically OP, if he wanted to spend time with you, he would. You wouldn't have to ask for it because he would naturally gravitate towards you, and he would miss your absence. Same goes for sex.

Either you are just not his ideal woman, or, he simply does not have the same needs in a relationship as you do. He might think of a relationship as quite robotic and transactional - I do this, you give me that, I give you this, like you are ordering a product.

If so, he would want you to state what is it that you would like to buy, to negotiate a price, if any, and then the service or product would be provided. Those types of men don't necessarily need or want emotion based relationships where things flow naturally, out of love or instinct.

Please don't put up with this because of his background. Many women do, convincing themselves they should tolerate more because their partners don't know any better. He might be the way he is because of that, or, it's equally possible that he truly is his parent's son in that he has genetically inherited certain personality traits, that this is is inherent, not just a case of family background.

And has he been like this from the very beginning?

You're in the honeymoon phase and he can't even be bothered to spend time with you.

I felt depressed just reading your thread

Is it too late to get the marriage annulled?

Definitely not have children. He treats you like shit.

Nothing more depressing than a partner who shows absolutely no interest in them at all.