DH never prioritises me

[feelingpathetic1]

I feel pretty pathetic writing this (hence the username), and I’m probably being needy/clingy, but it feels like my DH never prioritises me and I’m so lonely.

He’s out at work drinks again tonight, which is quite a regular event. He’ll get the last train home and I’ll pick him up from the station (about 4 miles away). It’s got to the point where he just assumes I’ll be there to get him. He always stays out till the last train, so I spend my evening waiting up for him. I feel like he just expects me to wait around for him.

It feels like he never chooses me. He never wants to spend time with me as his first choice. We’ve had this conversation (argument?) so many times, he’d rather go out with friends, attend or do sports events, hang out with his work colleagues. He’s out of the house minimum 12 hours a day for work anyway - and he wants to spend his evenings with them too?

He says I need to tell him when I don’t want him to do something. But that to me is even worse? What sort of wife would that make me to tell him to spend time with me? I want him to choose me, I want him to want to spend time with me. He seems to choose everything and everyone but me.

He blames the fact I work from home. I work full-time hours, take care of our dog, do most of the housework. And sit here like a mug waiting to pick him up from another night out.

I’m fairly sure he’s like this because his parents’ relationship is much the same - they never spend time together, pretty much appear like acquaintances to each other, so he’s never seen what a ‘proper’, loving couple is like.

Sorry for the huge rant, I’m just venting. I keep on and on saying to him that I want us to be a team, he says we’re a team just by dint of being married, but he never ever picks me unless he really has to.

I think this is sparked by the other thread about an OP deciding between going out with work colleagues or spending the evening with her DH - and so many posters are saying that of course they’d want to spend the evening with their husband as their first choice. So why doesn’t he feel like that about me? 😢

I personally feel I'd be worth more than this..
But your worth is only known to you. If this is what your worth then there's that.

I’m definitely an anxious attachment type. God, what a mess.

It's not a mess, op. It's really not. You don't have kids with him, that is a HUGE positive. You can walk away and never look back. The annoyance of dealing with the divorce will be well worth it.

Not normal. Since we got together, husband has had to part with SKY Sports, playing golf too often, working on Sundays all the time and spending time which he cannot account for - i do not want affairs

Whose idea was it to get a dog?

He blames the fact I work from home. I work full-time hours, take care of our dog, do most of the housework. And sit here like a mug waiting to pick him up from another night out.

I mean this with kindness, but he’s right.

You are sitting around, waiting for him, driving yourself into a stupor because yet again he isn’t valuing or prioritising you, because he doesn’t understand your needs or wants.

Honestly, I have been there and it gets worse. You drive yourself mad thinking you are not good enough, you are not worthy, what do his mates/pub/football/kebab shop/whoever have that you don’t. It devalues your self esteem, it turns you neurotic, and being really honest it is not a life lived.

You need to decide what you want - a life with him or a life without, and then what that life would look like. And in no uncertain terms you make it absolutely crystal clear to him that that is what you want and if he can’t, that is the end of your marriage.

He will either change or he won’t. But either way, you will know exactly where you stand on the priorities list.

And stop picking him up from the station, he’s not a child, he can make his own way home.

Second that it's not a mess. Knowledge is power. You can work on your attachment style in therapy. I would describe myself as securely attached now which made me open to a healthy relationship which I have now with my partner.

However, my ex husband didn't do the work and is now going through his second divorce. Lockdown killer that marriage. Imagine having to spend time at home with your wife!

Would he consider couples therapy? If you were able to have someone else point out his avoidance would he do the work to fix it?

He says he’s trying and he doesn’t seem to get anything right

Yeah, that’s what men say when they 1) want to turn it around so you feel so bad- like a nag because 2) they don’t want to change their behaviour

I’m really sorry to say this but I was with my exH for eight years before we married, and our marriage only lasted for a few years and we were separated for most of that time. I was never his priority and didn’t complain much for fear of being needy, a trait I perceived as terribly undesirable. But relationships need time, prioritisation and nurturing; I was the thing that was there when everything else wasn’t.

I am much better off now psychologically (it’s been quite a long time now since we were together) but it took a long time to heal. Being in that sort of relationship eats away at your soul in a really insidious sort of way (IME).

I’m very glad we never had children; he has a new relationship now but it’s a similar sort of situation and he hasn’t changed. I get the sense this sort of view of relationships is deep seated - he had the mistaken perception that this is how his parents operate (not quite accurate IMO).

MN is here for the next bit should you need us 🤗

@leopardprintismyfavourite , whilst what you're saying makes sense, independence is important for your own self esteem, true, the irony with a person like the Ops husband is that he requires complete independence from her. Relationships require interdependence, companionship, mutual respect and reciprocity otherwise you are too individuals leading parallel lives. Like lodgers sharing a house.

I ended up in my marriage doing my own thing out of necessity, it didn't make my husband respect me or want to spend time with me, the opposite in fact, it ingrained his behaviour even more. A totally lonely and miserable 'marriage' that suited his hangups about intimacy.

@Dacquoises

Sorry I don’t understand your point in relation to what I said, could you explain?

The point I was making is that the Ops husband is blaming her for not being more independent which you agreed with, which is how I interpreted what you said. Yes sitting around waiting for him is contributing to how she is feeling but what I found is becoming more independent and assertive didn't make a blind bit of difference either. He isn't capable of understanding her need for companionship whatever she does.

Start building your own life and plan to move out. That might bring him round - you might suddenly seem like he wants to chase you when you are less available.

If it doesn't, then at least you will recover some self respect, build your own interests and hopefully some friends and be half way to emotionally preparing to go.

Words are free. If he were trying you’d be able to point to an action wouldn’t you?

Then tell him
That. And stop collecting him from station tell him you want an early night or some wine yourself

Yup, you can see from my username what happens if you get pregnant with a selfish man like this.

😂😂 well said

💔💔

Surely you just have a regular couple of nights together each week and you also get some hobbies.

Honestly give him an ultimatum - things improve or I'm leaving you at Christmas. Start looking for accommodation you can move to. Don't get pregnant.

I’ve just had a quick scan online for places to rent. There’s nowhere affordable that would let me have the dog with me too. I could eventually buy on my own and get back on my feet, but I’m not sure what I’d do with our pup in the meantime.

DH would be fine, he’d just move back in with his mum and dad. I’d have to start from absolutely nothing. I earn about £35k a year and that doesn’t go far around here on your own.

All our friends here are his friends too. I feel like I’ve backed myself into a corner.

We did some values-based stuff at work and it made me realise I don’t even really know who I am, or what I like, or what I want in life. I do have hobbies of my own, for those who were asking. I like gardening, baking, making things, and I’m studying for an MA. But none of them make up for the lack of companionship.

I’ve always been terrible at maintaining friendships. That’s partly why I feel so lonely. My sister is my best friend, we talk all the time and she knows how I feel.

Sorry, I’m rambling. I’m nearly 30, I’d have to completely start again and that’s terrifying. Admitting that I’d got my life up to this point so so wrong.

I don’t totally love what I do for a job, but it pays OK and I don’t know what else I’d do instead.

In my lowest moments, I basically feel a bit of a shell of a person, to be honest. I had a lot of counselling to help process childhood/family things, and DH and our marriage was supposed to be me being ‘fixed’ and being happy.

Oh OP - this is awful to read. You deserve so much better. And better is out there.

Start by taking a small step, this evening, in terms of getting back a modicum of control.

Do not pick him up from the station. If you don’t feel like going out yourself, just say that you’re having a glass of wine and so won’t be able to drive. There’s zero way he can forbid you from doing that, given what he’s doing.

You think you’re being nice by being at his beck and call. You think that by being at his beck and call, he’ll come to you.

But is he?

No - he’s not. He doesn’t respect you one tiny bit.

To all intents and purposes, he’s a single man, who gets to come home to a housekeeper that provides sex.

He doesn’t respect you at all.

By saying you won’t pick him up - contrary to what you think, this will actually make him sit up, and just perhaps, stop taking you for granted.

I mean. What’s the worst that could happen?

Try it - I urge you.

@feelingpathetic1 I can relate to so much of what you wrote, right down to him being able to just move back in with his parents whilst you have to figure it out for yourself; and the married you being supposed to be the fixed version. I was a real mess for quite some time after we split, but it was worth it.

To all intents and purposes, he’s a single man, who gets to come home to a housekeeper that provides sex. Yup yup this is what we had going too.

It’s awful having to as you say admit you got something so foundational wrong but it’s far far better to separate now than be on MN in your fifties wondering how you lost another two decades of your life to this.

xx

@feelingpathetic1 , it probably does feel overwhelming at the moment but you know what they say about eating an elephant, one leg at a time! I had to start over form scratch again and I was in my forties, so it can be done. I can also totally understand thinking marriage was your fix, I basically moved in with my ex husband to escape my mother, out of the frying pan into the fire.

How about starting to get to know you and figure out who you are and what you want? Therapy and journalling is a great way to go deep. Do one thing every day that all about you and not your husband. Invest in yourself and detach a bit from wishing he would change.

Start working on not spending so much time alone, starting with perhaps looking for a job that's not working from home? Get your own work colleagues to go out with. Perhaps challenge any shyness and put yourself out of your comfort zone. It's the only way!

Join some groups that involve your hobbies, a conservation group that gardens, volunteering that includes cooking, a craft group? Join a walking group that you can take the dog with you. Anything that will develop your own friends. You don't have to bail immediately from your marriage but having a plan can be empowering.

Start putting some money aside for yourself.Would you consider a house share if you wanted to move out or part ownership? Get lodgers to help with the mortgage.

Believe me, you are not in the corner you think you are and having your sister onside is great.

first of all stop bloody picking him up from the station! I wouldn’t wait around like that for anyone. Secondly I agree with everyone saying don’t have a baby with him, you’re very incompatible and a child will only make this worse.

that said, I’m torn on the actual issue. How many times on an average week is he out? You said you’re going on holiday together so obviously you do do things together sometimes. You said you’re bad at maintaining friendships - regardless of the husband issue, this is something you need to work on as it’s not healthy or realistic to get all your emotional needs met by one person. Neither is your husband there to “fix” you as you said.

My partner is a musician and can have anything from 2 to 5 gigs a week. I also like to make sure I see friends at least weekly. We both feel that our friends and the relationships we have in life besides each other are as important as our relationship and I wouldn’t ever ask someone( or take kindly to someone asking me) to curtail their social life. Honestly, if my DP didn’t have his music but just sat around complaining about me doing things without him instead of finding ways to occupy himself when we’re not together I wouldn’t be sympathetic to that tbh.

I used to have an anxious attachment too but I had lots of therapy to deal with it (easier said than done, I know). The real crux of the issue is you can’t expect or get all your self esteem or validation from another person. It has to come from within you. I do think he has a point on the WFH and not seeing other people enough. I don’t think it’s fair to expect your spouse or partner to provide your entire social life.

perhaps there is simply an incompatibility and clash of expectations though about how much time together you’d ideally be spending, and neither of you is necessarily wrong, but mismatched.