DH never prioritises me

[feelingpathetic1]

I feel pretty pathetic writing this (hence the username), and I’m probably being needy/clingy, but it feels like my DH never prioritises me and I’m so lonely.

He’s out at work drinks again tonight, which is quite a regular event. He’ll get the last train home and I’ll pick him up from the station (about 4 miles away). It’s got to the point where he just assumes I’ll be there to get him. He always stays out till the last train, so I spend my evening waiting up for him. I feel like he just expects me to wait around for him.

It feels like he never chooses me. He never wants to spend time with me as his first choice. We’ve had this conversation (argument?) so many times, he’d rather go out with friends, attend or do sports events, hang out with his work colleagues. He’s out of the house minimum 12 hours a day for work anyway - and he wants to spend his evenings with them too?

He says I need to tell him when I don’t want him to do something. But that to me is even worse? What sort of wife would that make me to tell him to spend time with me? I want him to choose me, I want him to want to spend time with me. He seems to choose everything and everyone but me.

He blames the fact I work from home. I work full-time hours, take care of our dog, do most of the housework. And sit here like a mug waiting to pick him up from another night out.

I’m fairly sure he’s like this because his parents’ relationship is much the same - they never spend time together, pretty much appear like acquaintances to each other, so he’s never seen what a ‘proper’, loving couple is like.

Sorry for the huge rant, I’m just venting. I keep on and on saying to him that I want us to be a team, he says we’re a team just by dint of being married, but he never ever picks me unless he really has to.

I think this is sparked by the other thread about an OP deciding between going out with work colleagues or spending the evening with her DH - and so many posters are saying that of course they’d want to spend the evening with their husband as their first choice. So why doesn’t he feel like that about me? 😢

Thank you all for your replies, I’m reading them all and taking them in.

No, I think when we were dating and lived apart, he made an effort and we did things together.

My ex before I met DH was terrible at communicating, would turn off his phone and ignore me, and it seems that I’ve settled for something not much better.

I think the low self worth/esteem is rooted in my childhood - emotionally neglectful/maybe even emotionally abusive DM.

Thank you again, I really appreciate everyone’s comments. It’s the kick up the bum I needed.

OP, it is really difficult to do what you've done and be honest about the situation. I was in a similar boat with my husband too but we got stuck together because of Covid/various life stuff. I am very glad now that I didn't get pregnant. I was always either lonely or made to feel like a nag.
You deserve someone who loves you and makes you feel secure and who wants the same things as you (a healthy, loving relationship, really not that much to ask). I know it's difficult to get divorced young / early on in a marriage but honestly the alternative of staying stuck in an unhappy relationship for your whole life is so much worse. And the longer it goes on, the more your husband will feel entitled to behave this way. I'm sorry you're in the same boat I've been in but please know you can get out and life is so much better when you're not dragged down by an unhappy marriage!

It happens too often OP, this is no way to live.

he sounds like about 50% of heterosexual men, the type who are sexually attracted to women BUT prefer to spend their time with men. (But a woman on hand for sex, and facilitating life)

He is not good relationship material. He just wants to be with the guys

lef him be just with the guys

men who actually like women and want to spend time with them DO exist, but it’s not him

Hope you're ok lovely. I had a controlling DF so I understand how you just be feeling. Your username needs changing - you're not pathetic. You're amazing and your life WILL be amazing once you put yourself first xx

Ah I'm sorry @feelingpathetic1

If it's any help I don't think you're pathetic at all

In fact I think it shows great insight that you see where this might stem from. Build on that. You're already in a better place than you realise.

Can you do something nice this weekend just for you? Just trying to get you in a good headspace and self care. I can see this being ignored will have taken its toll on you.

You’re not pathetic. You’re a caring kind person who thought she’d found someone who cared for her, because he said that. But turns out words are cheap and now he has a tidy house and food he doesn’t even have to do anything about so it’s even easier to go out all the time.

take some time to think. You don’t have to divorce the man immediately, ease into being less taken fro granted. Start with not picking him up. Not leaving him a meal.not picking up after him, or if you do just chick all his stuff into a corner. If it makes you feel inconsiderate remember that he doesn’t do any of that for you and it doesnt bother him! Think of things you’d like. Plan something, say I have a busy day amd I’m going out, youll have to walk the dog after work. Spend the next month enjoying summer as much as you can- get out and do things, even reading a book outside in the evening. Take a thermos od tea or a bottle of wine, whatever floats your boat. (But don’t dive into alcohol as a solution obviously, although it could be handy to say a few times I’ve had a couple of drinks with a movie I’m not driving to pick you up.) see how you feel. See if he steps up. See if he gets mad even though he’s given you so much less than this and taken a lot.

He’d be waiting a bloody long time for the lift home if it were me. Turn your phone off. Go to sleep. That or if he calls you, tell him you’ve had too much wine and he can walk.

How are your finances looking op? And do you have any hobbies? Can you get into an exercise class or even treat yourself to a spa day with a good book?
If you have the time and money over the next few days can you get out to a lovely little cosy cafe for a coffee and slice of cake?
All else fails a good walk in the fresh air good to clear your mind.
Try and get into either podcasts or youtube videos on self improvement / self care- something that chimes with you lord knows there's enough out there!
And never forget the immortal words of Miley Cyrus "I can buy myself flowers"

You've told him how you feel and instead of implementing changes he's tried to pass blame...according to him it's your fault...

What is your time together like? Does he seem to enjoy your company when you do go out together? Do you have mutual friends you can spend time with?

My exh was very similar to your dh. We had children, i worked part time, did housewife, shopping etc .... The day I realised how bad the situation had got with exh doing his own thing was when our 8yr old ds said "daddy, we are at the bottom of your priority list". At 8yrs old he told exh what was in front of spending time with us.

My heart ached that this 8yr old had worked the situation out. Exh denied all knowledge that our ds was right, we both knew the child had it spot on. It took a few more years for us to part but that summed it up.

Good luck with whatever decision you choose

I disagree with everyone. My partner use to be like this but grew out of it. How old is your DH? So weird how people are quick to tell you to get divorced.

We now have a DD and he's home every evening.

I would suggest you stop picking him up though, don't mate it too easy for him.

I imagine you got caught up in planning the wedding and didn't spend a lot of time thinking about whether your relationship was healthy. It clearly isn't. Do you have somewhere you can go to?

Well, it’s looks like he’s married his cook, cleaner, and taxi driver. You are lonely for two reasons - your DH is never home and doesn’t appear to have any interest in you beyond how you service his needs, and you don’t appear to have anything else going on in your life - no hobbies, or local friends or family, so your world is very small. Have you ever suggested going with him to these events or evenings out - meeting his friends and co-workers? If so, what was his response! (I suspect to got a hard no). The thing is, this is who he is, and you can’t change that, so if it’s not what you want you either need to leave or you need to suck it up because that’s what you’ll be doing for the rest of your life.

Was just about to start an almost identical post to the one above
You're worth more than just a domestic appliance
You might feel pathetic but you're not
Seriously end it now,sell the house and move on
I guarantee you will thrive

And. It didn’t make you wonder why he thought that was ok to behave like this when it was just you but not when it is now you + dc?

I mean I get some men are immature. But hoping that it’s them being immature and not an arsehole is a gamble.
Plus why should we have to cope with their immaturity and all that comes with it?

Hi lovely I haven’t read all the comments on your OP but I just had to say that I feel for you so much and know completely what you’re going through.

And I need to say that my husband was just like this when we got married and even worse after we had children.

We’ve been together now for 20 years, married for almost 17.

He hasn’t changed. If anything he has gotten worse.

If I could go back to where you are now I would want to do things differently and value myself so much more as a person. I lost my self, gave up on a career and have lost so many friends. I’m now at the point that I can’t live this way anymore and I need things to drastically change in order to save what’s left of my mental health and be a better person for my daughters!

Talk to him again and if nothing changes then think really hard about if this is how you want to feel or if you deserve to be loved, wanted and given the attention you deserve.

And you do deserve it! 💐

Married a month ?! That's so sad for you and I'm sorry, you are not pathetic. Was he excited to marry ? I personally couldn't be with someone who chooses to be at work rather than be home but it really is about what you feel is acceptable, the baby would add pressure and is it fair to a child ?
Working from home can be really lonely and then to wait all day for him to decide to come home - who are these people he's going out with - their partners can't be thrilled.
I have had real ups and downs with my hubby but we've been together 42 years and we still miss each other when apart (we work together too) - that might not be normal !!
It's what you are willing to accept xx

Thank you all.

They’re work colleagues, mostly women but some men too. Part of me was so worried about our wedding day because I could just picture him larking around with everyone else and barely paying attention to me. It didn’t turn out that badly, but the thought was there.

To the PP whose husband was the club captain for cricket (sorry, it’s tricky to scroll and see names on my phone), DH was hockey captain for a few years and that on its own drove me mad. He gave it up, thankfully, but since we got married, he’s been to a gig with his siblings one weekend (all day and out of action the next) and then did an ultramarathon the following weekend (overnight so in bed resting on the Saturday, then again wiped out on the Sunday). We had last weekend together and that was the first one since the wedding. He jokingly said to someone that we hadnt seen each other since getting married, but it was pretty much true.

We’re going away together for a week tomorrow and he’s refused to call it a honeymoon in a ‘joking’ way, it’s ‘just a holiday’. Honestly, all of this adding up, I’m gutted my husband behaves this way.

Last week I was in tears about being left on my own to deal with the dog (she’s lovely but needs a lot of training), and he’d made plans to go out and see two mates at the pub, and he still went. He left me, his new wife, crying on the sofa about being alone.

Cricket club captain's (ex) wife here! I'm so glad you're putting it together. I could have really done with Mumsnet in the early days. I was convinced and he convinced me, it was all me, my problem.

A few other pointers from my experience:

Has your husband ever expressed his feelings to you, complimented you, told you how much you mean to him? Shown any excitement about personal life events?

Does he flirt with other women in front of you and get on better with women than men?

Is he afraid of conflict and shuts down or disappears when things get tense? Then acts as if nothing's happened the next time you see him?!

Strides ahead when you're out together so that you're walking behind him on your own?

Is everything a transaction? If you do this, I'll do that?

With mine, the clues were there but I didn't see them. The woman he lived with before me, they worked opposite shifts, one nights the other days. Basically never saw each other! She eventually went off with someone else.

When I moved in with him he said to me "don't expect me to entertain you" and was off out from that point onwards. Up at the crack of dawn, out of the house, finding excuses to disappear most of the day. He had behaved normally in the early days. It changed when I moved in.

He was always encouraging me to do my own thing, get hobbies, go out, go away with friends whilst spending zero time with me. Guilting me about not being as independent as him.

It took me a very long time to realise that he wanted someone at home but needed to be at arms length with that person at all times apart from when he'd had a lot to drink. My self esteem ended up on the floor because of his constant rejection. I developed an eating disorder, I told him. He never mentioned it all the time we were married!

My whole family boycotted a party to celebrate our wedding after we got home from getting married abroad. He went off to play cricket for the day whilst I was in bits at home alone!

He has shown you who he is.
He has shown you how much he thinks of you.
I can imagine you're reluctant to split up a month after the wedding. The shortest marriage I've heard of in family-ish was three weeks. And splitting was a sound decision.

He says he’s trying and he doesn’t seem to get anything right.

@Dacquoises yes he does walk ahead of me, and he turns around to hurry me up. Why can’t he come back and walk with me? I’ve joked before about spending entire holidays walking behind him looking at his backside, but it’s genuinely true.

Do not get pregnant.

it is time to say that as you want children in your future you need to be realistic. You dont want children with him behaving like he is single.

@feelingpathetic1 , the reason he does it is to create distance between you because it freaks him out to have you in his physical space. He cannot tolerate intimacy. If you get too close, he starts to feel smothered so creates a distance that he feels comfortable with.

Dismissive avoidants don't want any demands made on them. They need to feel independent and free to do as they please. Unfortunately they tend to be attracted to anxiously attached types (which is what I was) which leads to misery ie one continually chasing, the other constantly pulling away.