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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dh abusive or am I in the wrong

94 replies

Hatestheheat82 · 07/07/2023 19:09

I probably know the answer to this but I think I am so worn down by the constant belitting and being told I am wrong I genuinely don't know ow anymore.

Dh and I have been arguing for weeks (months). He has threatened to leave multiple times and I've stopped begging him to stay which I think annoys him more. He also claims I have worn him down and broken him

Today I have been shouted at (literally him in my face up close for the following)

Didn't say hello when he got back from work (I was working and in the office (wfh)

Picked DC (2) up in my arms on the way back from nursery because dc asked me to (put his arms up for a cuddle (dh thinks I pick dc up too much)

Continued working when we got home from school and nursery run (hadn't finished for the day but use my lunch to go and do school run)

Opened the dishwasher while dh was dishing dinner up so was in his way. Closed the dishwasher quickly and apologised (he has asked me not to do this before, and I forgot)

He also screamed in 2 years old face as they were getting a bit grumpy waiting for dinner

He has now stormed out the house as he kept listing all the things I had done wrong and when I dared to explain why I had done he said he couldn't deal with me anymore and wants to leave.

OP posts:
WhineWhineWhineWINE · 07/07/2023 19:11

He wants to leave? Problem solved, let him.

Name99 · 07/07/2023 19:14

Just let him go and you and your DC can live a life of not being screamed at.

NoHeavenNoMore · 07/07/2023 19:26

Your child does not deserve to live like that. Either H leaves, or you leave (with your child)

StopStartStop · 07/07/2023 19:29

Let him go! The trash will have taken itself out, as they say. He's abusive.

Duckafuk · 07/07/2023 19:29

I'd pack him a bag, the nasty twat.

OldBeller · 07/07/2023 19:33

Yeah I've dated two of these. Threatening to leave/storming off all the time is for attention, to get you to back down, to get you to shut up, to make sure you don't ever raise the same issue again, for control over you, because they want to be soothed, to make things unequal between the two of you, as a power play, to keep you in your place, to upset you, to cause you emotional distress, and because it works.

They love to have you running after them and chasing them. When you stop chasing, they often escalate things and goad you to get the reaction they want. It can get really nasty if you don't give in to the temper tantrum. You can have them packing bags and flinging things all over the house or blaming you for literally everything under the sun, dragging up old shit (but obviously you're not allowed to do that to them), they can call you names, disappear for longer and longer, get violent or aggressive, and even threaten suicide.

The first one it took me a while to figure out. I said if you do this one more time, it's over. Of course he did it again.

So I said ok we're broken up now like you wanted. He had the surprise of his life. Literally begged and begged me to come back after he realised insulting me or trying to blame me for what happened wasn't going to work.

The second one, I worked out his MO a lot faster because I'd been through it before and I'd already tried literally everything to get it to stop. I gave him some chances and then the next time agreed it was over. Again, he couldn't have been more surprised. Again, more insults, blaming, gaslighting. Then begging and begging for another chance. I said you've already had enough chances. He was heartbroken but he was the master of his own misfortune.

They just want attention because they're full grown babies so they throw their toys (i.e. you) out of the pram. You'll come crawling back and they get to feel like the big man.

Please don't waste your time trying to change them. They don't change. The only thing that works is ignoring them and agreeing that you should break up. Whatever horrible thing they said, grey rock it and just blandly agree that the relationship isn't working.

Give them one chance, if you want to. Say if it happens again, the relationship is over. And it will 100% happen again. I guarantee it. I'd bet my house and my car on it.

It's a horrible emotional rollercoaster and they don't care one whit about you as long as they get what they want out of it. It is abusive and you should not put up with it.

SillySaloon · 07/07/2023 19:34

The next time he leaves , tell him he can go if he wishes. He might be enjoying you begging him to stay. He might like the power it gives him. He sounds horrible. I’m sure there’s way more he’s done that you didn’t write.

fruitypancake · 07/07/2023 19:35

What a knob .. he is absolutely in the wrong. Plus.. 2years old no such thing as picking up too often , how ridiculous

PaigeMatthews · 07/07/2023 19:36

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 07/07/2023 19:11

He wants to leave? Problem solved, let him.

This. He doesn't actual’y want to leave, he wants to bully you and have you too scared to do anything so he wont leave.

wait until he says it again, then agree and start the ball rolling.

Starlightstarbright2 · 07/07/2023 19:36

You are right he wants you to beg you to stop . What is your line that you accept no more ?
I was in an abusive relationship . For me ex strangled me not the final push - it was when he was throwing things around in the kitchen screaming - told him he was scaring baby - baby was looking startled - said he wasn’t- that was it ..
screaming in my two years old face would be also the line

Ladylonglegs · 07/07/2023 19:38

He’s abusing you. He’s abusing your child. You need to protect your child and teach them you won’t tolerate this by ending the relationship. It’s hard but you can do it.

toochesterdraws · 07/07/2023 19:40

It's not you. It's him.

Have you any idea how terrifying it must be for a toddler to have an adult man scream in their face like that?

WolfFoxHare · 07/07/2023 19:44

He sounds abusive and controlling, to both you and your child. Do your best to get free of him xx

Hatestheheat82 · 07/07/2023 19:44

There is a lot more that has happened over the last few weeks/months but this is just today

He moans I am too soft on the children as I don't scream and shout at them, because I will help them tidy up, that I work too hard (full time job that I genuinely enjoy but demanding)

He also says that I am sad because I find things like technology and computer programming interesting (relevant to my job) where as he goes to football every weekend which I don't find interesting but I would never say that I find him sad because of how involved in football he gets

I travelled for work recently (2 nights away) and he refused to speak to me while I was gone or tell me how the children were etc

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 07/07/2023 19:46

Get a divorce

CheshireCat1 · 07/07/2023 19:48

Pack his stuff and tell him to sling his hook.

TheCheeseTray · 07/07/2023 19:48

Has he gone. Excellent pack him a bag and put it on the doorstep and then text him
Dear John, thank you for leaving. The current abusive nature of you both towards me and the children was unacceptable, and it will not be tolerated any further. I have packed you a bag and it is on the front doorstep/ at your friends house / with you parents and I look forward to an amicable as possible divorce. Please allow myself and DD time and peace to recover from your shouting and abusive behaviour we have both suffered enough. All the best Jane

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 07/07/2023 19:48

Get rid of this toxic, abusive asshole.

Zarataralara · 07/07/2023 19:49

He’s offering to go, lock the door behind him. Screaming in the face of a two year old because they’re hungry is unforgivable. Your poor child cannot grow up with that treatment.

PaigeMatthews · 07/07/2023 19:50

I travelled for work recently (2 nights away) and he refused to speak to me while I was gone or tell me how the children were etc
he doesnt want you going away with work.

how often do you go out with friends?

LeilaRose777 · 07/07/2023 19:54

He's abusive - get rid of him now before he utterly destroys your life, and your children's. Start a diary of all the abusive actions and remarks: date, time, what he did, how you felt. Keep it for the divorce. He's awful.

Hatestheheat82 · 07/07/2023 19:55

I don't really have any friends, I maybe go out for a catch up with an old friend once every 4-5 months.

I travel with work every 8 weeks or so which is arranged around Dh's shifts for childcare purposes. When he is working I can't travel as his shifts don't work with traveling

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/07/2023 20:01

He's truly awful AngrySad your poor kids and poor you.

Deadringer · 07/07/2023 20:02

What an arsehole. Do yourself and your dc a massive favour and dump him. Unfortunately he probably won't go easily despite repeatedly threatening to.

Anaemiafog · 07/07/2023 20:03

Did you post last time you went away? You know he's abusive, the question is whether you're going to allow it to continue.