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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh abusive or am I in the wrong

94 replies

Hatestheheat82 · 07/07/2023 19:09

I probably know the answer to this but I think I am so worn down by the constant belitting and being told I am wrong I genuinely don't know ow anymore.

Dh and I have been arguing for weeks (months). He has threatened to leave multiple times and I've stopped begging him to stay which I think annoys him more. He also claims I have worn him down and broken him

Today I have been shouted at (literally him in my face up close for the following)

Didn't say hello when he got back from work (I was working and in the office (wfh)

Picked DC (2) up in my arms on the way back from nursery because dc asked me to (put his arms up for a cuddle (dh thinks I pick dc up too much)

Continued working when we got home from school and nursery run (hadn't finished for the day but use my lunch to go and do school run)

Opened the dishwasher while dh was dishing dinner up so was in his way. Closed the dishwasher quickly and apologised (he has asked me not to do this before, and I forgot)

He also screamed in 2 years old face as they were getting a bit grumpy waiting for dinner

He has now stormed out the house as he kept listing all the things I had done wrong and when I dared to explain why I had done he said he couldn't deal with me anymore and wants to leave.

OP posts:
samqueens · 07/07/2023 22:57

Also legal advice - make calls (often you can get some initial advice without a fee) and also see if there are any law clinics near you, don’t start down this road without some clue of how to navigate that side of things…

Maray1967 · 07/07/2023 23:17

He is doing immense damage to your child. You need to leave him, or better still, get him to leave.
Iy is not your job to obey him. I do not obey my husband. It is not the 1920s.

OldBeller · 08/07/2023 01:30

Hatestheheat82 · 07/07/2023 21:27

He has come home and I've just tried talking to him.

Apparently I am abusing him by not listening and not doing things how he wants me to do them. I tried to say that shouting in the face of a 2 year old is wrong and his argument was well he stopped crying (only because he was scared!) Apparently that's a good thing

He's in the spare room tonight. I don't know where to go from here

This is absolutely textbook abuse. He left because you made him do it with your unreasonable behaviour and whatever he did was perfectly fine. What a load of rubbish.

There's nothing you can say to reason with someone like that. There's honestly nothing. I know it drives you crazy talking to someone talking absolute nonsense, and bizarrely, you do question reality.

You don't need to explain anything to him. He knows it's wrong deep down but his brain can't accept that information. He has to protect his ego and his status so if it means driving you so mad that you don't know up from down, that's just collateral damage.

If you don't feel you can leave right now, at least start the process of emotionally detaching from him. What he thinks doesn't change reality. So try as much as you can to disregard any of his opinions. You wouldn't believe it if I told you the sky was green. Same thing here.

'Why Does He Do That?' is an excellent read for reassurance, as a PP said. We'll all tell you the same thing too. You're not crazy. You're not in the wrong. You don't make him do things. You're not a bad person forcing him to act out with your outrageous behaviour (opening the dishwasher?). He is the villain of the piece.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2023 02:36

I'll be very blunt. It is your responsibility to get your child out of this hellish, insanely abusive environment. This abuse will ruin your child's life, and it will taint every aspect of who they become as an adult.

Of course, your well-being is immeasurably important, but your son is absolutely powerless to escape this toxic nightmare. You are not. You have the power to get away from this man and you had best use it. Immediately.

mulberrybag · 08/07/2023 02:48

@aquamarine1029 and @oldbelter's posts are the ones you need to heed! There are no other options open to you if you want to protect the future mental health of your offspring. I say this as someone who was deeply entrenched in a similar/worse scenario.
Please, please, please do the right thing and make rigid and definitive plans to get yourselves out!
Take good care and remember you CAN do it!!!

Thehippowife · 08/07/2023 02:52

It’s just over OP. You’ll need to accept this and tell him to go. Once you get to “shouted in face for Minor incident” stage, the rot has set in and it’s not salvageable. End it, and ask him to get out today.

Nat6999 · 08/07/2023 02:57

Next time he goes out, pack his bags & text him that it's over. Have you a bolt or some way of locking the doors so he can't get in? If he kicks off, ring the police. Contact Women's Aid, don't you leave unless you really have to & you have somewhere to go. Speak to a solicitor to start divorce proceedings. He is emotionally abusive to you & your dc.

FatNoMoreSue · 08/07/2023 03:03

I wouldn’t allow him to leave.

I would insist upon it.

Codlingmoths · 08/07/2023 03:25

I know where to go from here, but it won’t be easy. You have to separate, so your kids have a safe space where no one shouts in their face. It takes two people to make a marriage and he’s not trying, he’s using it to punish you every day. He will be angry when you tell him and take it out on you (like he does now but worse) , eg I don’t see him jumping to continue to facilitate your travelling with work, he will say smugly well I can’t do that anymore and you should have thought of that when you told me to leave. Can you think through the finances etc and make a plan? Do you have a mum or dad that could stay a couple of days every second month so you can travel? (Don’t tell him this kind of thing until you are properly separated, he will hate that you can make things work and try and stop it)

3487642I · 08/07/2023 03:34

You are not alone @Hatestheheat82 , many women have found themselves in this kind of situation, but know that you can leave and your life and your child's life will be so much better. Imagine having a safe space where you are free to be you without anyone shouting at you or your child.

As other's have said, your child's well-being is huge motivation to phone Women's Aid and start making your plans. And you absolutely deserve to live free of the mindgames he is playing. The constant blaming alone must be exhausting. It is hard to parent well when you are under such extreme duress as this man is putting you under.

You can do this.
Keep posting your updates on mumsnet if that is helpful for you.
Other mums have done it and shared their journey on mumsnet.
You can do it.

Lollipopsicle · 08/07/2023 03:38

TheCheeseTray · 07/07/2023 19:48

Has he gone. Excellent pack him a bag and put it on the doorstep and then text him
Dear John, thank you for leaving. The current abusive nature of you both towards me and the children was unacceptable, and it will not be tolerated any further. I have packed you a bag and it is on the front doorstep/ at your friends house / with you parents and I look forward to an amicable as possible divorce. Please allow myself and DD time and peace to recover from your shouting and abusive behaviour we have both suffered enough. All the best Jane

This is excellent. Do it OP!

Endoftheroad12345 · 08/07/2023 06:44

@Hatestheheat82 I’ve been in the situation you were in - 21 years together, 13 married - and I ended the marriage in November. My ex H sounds very similar to yours (although there were also a handful of episodes over the 2 decades where he became physically violent) and it became apparent he would never change, he felt entitled to act the way he did.

I am only 41, I’m attractive, smart, have a good job - I couldn’t face another 40+ years of it, I couldn’t, in the end, believe that role modelling our shitty loveless marriage for my 2 DC was better for them than divorcing.

In the end I got comfortable with the idea of being alone, I did the sums and realised I could afford to buy ex H out of our house (or take on a mortgage/rent a suitable house by myself) and ending the marriage became inevitable. I have so much fun with the kids now and our lives are so much calmer without his moods dictating the atmosphere in the house. You genuinely don’t realise how much it affects you until you’re not living with it any more.

It sounds like you have a good job - what would your practical challenges be if he was out of the picture? Can you afford the house/kids on your own?

ElinoristhenewEnid · 08/07/2023 06:52

When he says ' I want to leave' just say ' off you pop then'. Casually ignore him!

savethatkitty · 08/07/2023 06:55

Pack his bags & tell him to Fuck off! He's behaving like a wanker & trying to blame you. It's not you! You've done nothing wrong.

AuntieJune · 08/07/2023 07:01

You know you're not in the wrong. If you're waiting for him to admit that though, you'll be waiting forever.

Do not put yourself in a place where you wait for him to not do this bullshit, because he will not stop. Arguing with him is pointless. You might as well argue with a seagull.

Make plans. A whole other life is waiting for you.

Hibiscrubbed · 08/07/2023 07:18

Didn’t it have a previous thread about how he refused to send you any info about your little children while you’re away with work, to punish you?

He is an evil, evil cunt.

Hibiscrubbed · 08/07/2023 07:18

Did you*

RachelTopliss · 08/07/2023 07:22

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 07/07/2023 19:11

He wants to leave? Problem solved, let him.

Pack his bags.

dizzydizzydizzy · 08/07/2023 07:29

You have done nothing wrong. It's definitely not your fault. Your DH is an abuser.

dizzydizzydizzy · 08/07/2023 07:45

And please get in touch with Women's Aid. They will give you practical and emotional help.

billy1966 · 08/07/2023 10:56

He is abusing you and your poor children.

He is awful.

Contact Women's aid.

Have you any family?

This is not a good man, husband or father.

You need to be looking at separation.

You and your children need protecting from him.

Watchkeys · 08/07/2023 11:16

I am so worn down by the constant belitting and being told I am wrong

No further details necessary. This doesn't happen in healthy relationships. You need to get out. However hard it might be, however confusing, you cannot raise your child in this environment. He will learn that this is how relationships between adults work, and he will replicate.

toochesterdraws · 08/07/2023 13:35

Ask yourself, what's the best thing to happen while he looks after the kids when you are working? That he manages to look after them for a couple of days without abusing them. What's the worst that could happen? Are you really prepared to take that risk?

SitItOut · 08/07/2023 13:50

How can you leave your baby alone with this nasty nutcase? I’m truly shocked at his behaviour. It’s sickening. He is an oppressive bully. Possibly even physically dangerous. He is most certain and absolutely psychologically dangerous.

Original poster
Hatestheheat82 · 08/07/2023 21:32

Well he has been out all day. He rang earlier which started off as he wanted to talk and then turned into him shouting more abuse at me and how I need to change etc . He then got a noyed when I tried to tell him that I wad running late to be somewhere and that talking to him was more important. He hung up on me.

Messaged him earlier to find out what time he would be home. He has read it and not responded.

For anyone asking how I have left my dc with him when he's this abusive, he has stepped up the shouting at them over the last couple of weeks, I didn't realise ilhe was being that abusive to them

OP posts:
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