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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh abusive or am I in the wrong

94 replies

Hatestheheat82 · 07/07/2023 19:09

I probably know the answer to this but I think I am so worn down by the constant belitting and being told I am wrong I genuinely don't know ow anymore.

Dh and I have been arguing for weeks (months). He has threatened to leave multiple times and I've stopped begging him to stay which I think annoys him more. He also claims I have worn him down and broken him

Today I have been shouted at (literally him in my face up close for the following)

Didn't say hello when he got back from work (I was working and in the office (wfh)

Picked DC (2) up in my arms on the way back from nursery because dc asked me to (put his arms up for a cuddle (dh thinks I pick dc up too much)

Continued working when we got home from school and nursery run (hadn't finished for the day but use my lunch to go and do school run)

Opened the dishwasher while dh was dishing dinner up so was in his way. Closed the dishwasher quickly and apologised (he has asked me not to do this before, and I forgot)

He also screamed in 2 years old face as they were getting a bit grumpy waiting for dinner

He has now stormed out the house as he kept listing all the things I had done wrong and when I dared to explain why I had done he said he couldn't deal with me anymore and wants to leave.

OP posts:
LadyKX · 07/07/2023 20:05

Yes he’s abusive.
You need to leave.
His behaviour to you is unacceptable. But shouting in the face of a 2 year old is horrific. You need to leave to get your child /children away from this abusive excuse of a father.

INeedAnotherName · 07/07/2023 20:15

He has now stormed out the house as he kept listing all the things I had done wrong and when I dared to explain why I had done he said he couldn't deal with me anymore and wants to leave.

Lock the door. Tell him he's got his wish.

Legally he has the right to live in the house but I think he needs the shock to make him realise you've had enough. Start planning your escape. He's not worth the aggravation.

toochesterdraws · 07/07/2023 20:19

Does he scream and shout abuse at the dc when he's looking after them while you are away with work?

Sorry to say this, but what is more important, your job or your children's welfare?

SpringleDingle · 07/07/2023 20:20

What a horrible man, leave him and take the kids asap!

cracktheshutters · 07/07/2023 20:25

I wouldn’t put up with this, your poor 2 yo, we’re they ok?

it’s one thing to accept this behaviour for yourself, but to force it upon your dc by choosing to stay isn’t right, I’d be getting ready to go!

TheCyclingGorilla · 07/07/2023 20:27

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I've had experiences of this. You have to shock him. His behaviour isn't acceptable.

If he's gone, leave a packed bag outside the house. Lock him out. If he comes back tell him to sling his hook. It's up to him if he wants to change things or keep things how they are.

I'd speak to Women's Aid too, just to talk about what's been going on. They can signpost you to help if needed.

Bearpawk · 07/07/2023 20:30

I'd be getting my kids away from him asap. Screaming in a hungry toddlers face? I'd be calling the police tbh. What the hell js he doing when you're away with work?

LaylaLjungberg · 07/07/2023 20:32

Screaming in a 2 year olds face. Straight under the patio he’d go. Tell him not to come home tonight. Utter bastard.

NotNowGertrude · 07/07/2023 20:38

You leave your child alone with an abusive angry bully while you go away with work? He is abusing you & your child, you need to leave him

Original poster
Hatestheheat82 · 07/07/2023 21:27

He has come home and I've just tried talking to him.

Apparently I am abusing him by not listening and not doing things how he wants me to do them. I tried to say that shouting in the face of a 2 year old is wrong and his argument was well he stopped crying (only because he was scared!) Apparently that's a good thing

He's in the spare room tonight. I don't know where to go from here

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 07/07/2023 21:33

He's laying it on thick isnt he. He really wants you to obey him in every way.

Call womens aid or email, or live chat, call your GP and see if they can offer any support too. Its time Flowers

thedogshatonthematt · 07/07/2023 21:41

How wearisome it must be living like that. He clearly isn’t happy in the relationship so why doesn’t he just fuck off?

The shouting in the face of a 2 year old is totally unacceptable, I get they can push your buttons sometimes but there is no excuse for that behaviour.

Honestly, things aren’t going to get any better, quite the opposite in fact. For the sake of your child if nothing else, get rid of of him. I know it’s easy to just say that as I’m not living your life but please think about how unhappy you and your child are going to be. He WILL NOT change, I can guarantee that.

RandomMess · 07/07/2023 21:44

Who made him God and in the right about how things should be done???

MidgeMainCourse · 07/07/2023 21:51

You really need help here. Contact women's aid. There are probably other issues that you haven't revealed yet. Sex. Money. Isolating you from friends and family. Look at coercive control and get the fuck away from this man as soon as you can

NadjaCravensworth1 · 07/07/2023 21:51

  1. I absolutely wouldn't leave my child with someone who would scream in their face

  2. You will 100% be happier without him. Your children will be happier without him. I know it's hard, but once it's done you can live day to day without him making your life a misery. Talk to all the people who will support you and lean on them as hard as you can, just get him out of your life.

Always4Brenner · 07/07/2023 21:52

Get rid your life will be much happier.

Starlightstarbright2 · 07/07/2023 21:56

You are trying to reason with unreasonable… there is no conversation you can have that will change his behaviour . He doesn’t think he is wrong . You need to protect yourself and your dc

Stillcountingbeans · 07/07/2023 22:07

Hatestheheat82 · 07/07/2023 21:27

He has come home and I've just tried talking to him.

Apparently I am abusing him by not listening and not doing things how he wants me to do them. I tried to say that shouting in the face of a 2 year old is wrong and his argument was well he stopped crying (only because he was scared!) Apparently that's a good thing

He's in the spare room tonight. I don't know where to go from here

There is no point in trying to talk to him, as there is nothing to say, except "it's over, when are you moving out?"

You DO know where you go from here - you have to split up, to protect your child. So do it.

SaturdayGiraffe · 07/07/2023 22:11

Well he’s not going to change. They don’t change, no matter what you do.
Your poor little one. Scary.

Northernsouloldies · 07/07/2023 22:28

So you have to walk on eggshells and obey his lordships commands and it's your fault he abuses you and your child. I'll reiterate what other pp have said, get away from him. I daresay physical violence is around the corner with this animal.

pyjamasallday22 · 07/07/2023 22:30

You know the answer. If you can't do it for yourself do it for your kids who are going to be seriously affected by witnessing this toxic behaviour daily. He sounds vile.

AuntMarch · 07/07/2023 22:34

He is awful to you, why would you want him to stay?
And if you can't stand up for yourself, stand up for your baby because he's abusive to your DC too.
You want a stable and loving home for them. This isn't it.

samqueens · 07/07/2023 22:51

OP - I am so so sorry you’re going through this. It’s bad enough he’s abusing you but please don’t let your children grow up in a house where screaming in a 2 year old’s face is ok. That is NOT ok (which you know) and it will be very, very hard to protect them - but please do what you can.

There are amazing resources and communities out there (not least on MN) of women and professionals who have survived this type of situation and fought for their children to be kept safe. It’s so hard but when you start looking you’ll find some incredible and inspirational stories.

Really recommend the book Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft for stopping the “I must be crazy… am I crazy?!” feelings and getting some perspective on what’s happening. In my experience even more reasonable seeming men than your H are unable to change their behaviour (so don’t waste your time living that pipe dream).

Call Women’s Aid, visit GP, speak to any supportive friend/family member you can trust, make a plan (short and medium term) but do it safely. Try to keep things on an even keep while you work out how to look after yourself and your children.

It’s a long road - say yes to every offer of support and help and advice you might get along the way. Please consider what you want you and your children’s future to look like. I know how hard it is and wish you all the strength in the world 💐

samqueens · 07/07/2023 22:52

(Download the book on kindle or Apple Books - don’t tell your H and read discreetly)

Epidote · 07/07/2023 22:57

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 07/07/2023 19:11

He wants to leave? Problem solved, let him.

This.