Dh abusive or am I in the wrong

[Hatestheheat82]

I probably know the answer to this but I think I am so worn down by the constant belitting and being told I am wrong I genuinely don't know ow anymore.

Dh and I have been arguing for weeks (months). He has threatened to leave multiple times and I've stopped begging him to stay which I think annoys him more. He also claims I have worn him down and broken him

Today I have been shouted at (literally him in my face up close for the following)

Didn't say hello when he got back from work (I was working and in the office (wfh)

Picked DC (2) up in my arms on the way back from nursery because dc asked me to (put his arms up for a cuddle (dh thinks I pick dc up too much)

Continued working when we got home from school and nursery run (hadn't finished for the day but use my lunch to go and do school run)

Opened the dishwasher while dh was dishing dinner up so was in his way. Closed the dishwasher quickly and apologised (he has asked me not to do this before, and I forgot)

He also screamed in 2 years old face as they were getting a bit grumpy waiting for dinner

He has now stormed out the house as he kept listing all the things I had done wrong and when I dared to explain why I had done he said he couldn't deal with me anymore and wants to leave.

Oh OP, your poor children.

You have many reasons why you should leave. So what are your reasons for staying?
It might help to list these barriers to doing what you must know you need to, then working through them one at a time. There's loads of good advice to be had on here about practicalities and legalities that will help you formulate a manageable exit plan.

Messaged him earlier to find out what time he would be home. He has read it and not responded.

Why in the fuck are you allowing him to come home? Why do you even care where he is? Anywhere away from you and the kids is just fine.

You can leave him (or better still, make him leave). He will try every trick to make you feel like you're the one in the wrong... So you'll go back to him. But you can do it.

The work situation can be resolved... be aware he will use it to try to make you dependant on him. Work places now tend to have policies for domestic abuse but if not try Citizens Advice for help.

You will find friends once you are free of him. You will also find peace and the freedom to find yourself again.

Get support, dedicated domestic advise services. Speak to your GP, and get referred if you can.

You don't need people judging you for trying to do the best and leaving the kids with him. You didn't know how bad it was until now. But you can change this and find safety for them and yourself now.

Take care, you deserve better.

For those saying how can she leave the kids with him what exactly do you think will happen when/if they split?

There's no way on the world he wont get time alone with the kids assuming he wants it. He isn't drunk or drugged. And if he was that wouldn't stop the courts giving him access.

So OP put that aside. Time to see a solicitor and get some advice.

Information is empowering. And will limit his power over you.

If possible find some friends/contacts that divorced well. Ask them for lawyer recommendations.

Get appointments with recommended lawyers. 2 reasons for this. It's important to find a lawyer you can work with. I got lucky with no 4. The other reason is if you've seen them he can't use them.

While waiting for appointments get all your and his financial information together:

Tax returns

Bank accounts

Salary slips

Savings accounts

Investments

Life insurance

Pensions

Mortgages

Debts

Assets

Get the house valued

This will enable a lawyer to tell you what you might reasonably receive.

50:50 childcare is normal but sounds unlikely. There are sites like entitledto that will tell you what you might be entitled to from the state. There are also maintenance calculators.

Write 2 lists in terms of kids, house, cars, maintenance etc:

What you'd like (copy to lawyer)

What you'd accept (private)

Do not tell him what you are doing. Just get on with it quietly. The more of a head start you have the better of you will be.

Even if you are not sure you want to or are ready to leave, go ahead and make copies of as many of the following documents as you can, or secure them in a safe place outside of the home:

• Birth certificates, Social Security cards, and passports or immigration papers for you and your children

• Health insurance cards for you and your children

• Financial records, including recent bank statements and stocks or mutual fund records

• Housing documents, such as rental agreements, mortgage statements, or the title or deed

• Your most recent credit report (you can request one for free(link is external))

• The title or lease paperwork for your car

• Statements for any retirement plans

• The past two years’ tax returns

Many of these records are available online, so try to keep access to these accounts if you do not have paper copies.

Well after last night it's over. There is no going back. Tried to talk, a bad idea as he was drunk from his day out but there was a lot said by him that is unforgivable so that's its I'm done

I will take the advice of @Wallywobbles above and start gathering documents etc

@Hatestheheat82
The advice from @Wallywobbles is spot on. I’m currently living in a similar environment to you and trying to get my strength up to separate as I feel like I’ve been emotionally battered and doubting everything. I’m hoping to get to Women’s Aid in the next week or so to get more support as dreading the fall out but know if will be worth it in the end.

It's extremely difficult to find the strength to make the separation when you’ve been abused as you doubt everything and I know personally my self esteem has been pushed down to the point of breaking. I never thought I’d be in the position as anyone outside the house sees me as a confident strong woman - however these last few months it’s knocked me so much it’s effected my ability to work, do day to day things.

Please do make the leap and do the right thing for you and your children - you won’t regret it. I’ve left myself in this situation for too long and now I’m having the build up the strength to go.

You and your child deserve better than this.

My ex was similar, emotionally abusive and threatening to leave for stupid reasons. I eventually got to the point where I stopped begging him to leave, stood up for myself and my children. I told him things weren't fixable and I wanted to separate and then I got the emotional guilt trip that his threats to leave had been nothing more than a cry for help, trying to get me to change as I didn't give him the attention he needed.

Men like this will twist everything round to be about them. Please don't put up with being treated like this.

I hope you stick to this op.

For your children's sake especially. They're relying on you to do the right thing.

He is abusive and screaming in a 2 year old child's face is utterly disgusting.

This ☝🏻

All of this is awful but the screaming at the children is so sad - as a mum I have lost my shit at times but never tried to justify it and resolved to do better, not said it's been ok.
I feel like I've posted this a lot recently but it's such a helpful read to help you see the light in terms of what's 'normal' marital strife and what's abusive behaviour: Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft - free read here https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf.

Well done for getting to this point.

He'll say literally anything to break you down, no matter how hurtful or manipulative it is. I don't know what he said but I can imagine. I'm so sorry you had to listen to it.

You deserve better than this.

Imagine how nice it will be to have your own place with no one picking on you. That's going to be your life if you put your foot down.

He'll likely try several things to harass you and get you to change your mind. If he promises to change, please don't listen. If he was going to change, he would have done it already. Plus, how outrageous to treat you like this until he's destroyed the relationship and THEN say he'll change?

Batten down the hatches. Whatever he thinks, whatever he says - ignore him.

If you have anything precious or that has sentimental value, try to get those things out of the house, leave them with trusted friends or family, the same for things like jewellery. When you are collecting documents etc pack bags for you & dc that you could take to your trusted one in case you need to leave in a hurry. Keep a set of car keys with you & if you have a joint account, get cashback every time you go shopping to build up a buffer, if you don't have a bank account in your sole name, get one opened & pat in all the cash you get from cashback.

Sorry all that has happened, his behaviour has been absolutely awful and unforgiveable actually. You will be so much happier and better off without him.

Could have written this myself to be honest and it's 100% spot on. They are a waste of time and they will never grow up or work on themselves.

He and you have a choice your child doesn't, can one of you keep the child safe?

Let the trash take itself out

Opened the dishwasher while dh was dishing dinner up so was in his way. Closed the dishwasher quickly and apologised (he has asked me not to do this before, and I forgot)

Everything you have listed is awful , but this one stood out. You justified his reason by blaming yourself. That’s not your thinking is it ? It’s him , his words. Maybe I’m being OTT but it just reeks of “ if I didn’t make him angry , he wouldn’t hit me “ .

You and your children deserve better OP . It sounds like he brings the whole mood down in the house . Let him go and enjoy your life without a miserable , horrible man lording it over you all x