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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Any ladies on here with Autism?

93 replies

Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 07:47

Hi, I just wanted to ask if you don’t mind how this effects you. Also how it effects your relationship?

Im 40 and I’m pretty sure that I am on the spectrum but have never been diagnosed.

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 07/07/2023 07:51

Spiky bit first - I'm a woman and I'm autistic.

Being autistic affects every aspect of my life.
Being autistic affects every relationship I have or don't have.
Check out ADHD as well as autism.

Watchkeys · 07/07/2023 07:58

It's who I am, not something that 'affects' me. My partner loves me, and I love my partner. It's not possible to separate the parts that are 'affected' by autism.

Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 07:58

Thanks, I know it’s a pretty intrusive question. I’ve always felt very different and I experience everything so different to people around me. I think Ive done a good job at masking it but I struggle all the time. Struggle at work and with friends and family. Everything overwhelms me and I find it complicated. I’ve picked at the skin on my lip since I was a teenager and been unable to stop.

OP posts:
speluncean · 07/07/2023 08:00

I have autism and adhd.

It doesn't affect my relationship because I am who I am and my partner accepts me as I am.

Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 08:03

I was in an abusive marriage for a long time. I didn’t understand any of it and still have a hard time understanding. He said I didn’t love him enough, didn’t feel loved or was able to open up. He became frustrated with me and treated me poorly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 08:08

I dislike too too much touching and not a big fan of kissing. Don’t like too many people or social situations. I was a bad match for him as he was the opposite. I thought I was bad but I’m starting to think it’s something else. I hate my food touching, hate clothes on my body and the feeling. Get overwhelmed planning in advance anything. Anyway I’m babbling.

OP posts:
FishTrashGlove · 07/07/2023 08:24

You might find the Neurodiverse Mumsnetters board helpful, OP.

Whether you're autistic or not, you're allowed to have your own preferences in relationships and that in no way makes you "bad" or means people can treat you badly Flowers

Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 08:42

@FishTrashGlove thanks I’ll have a look.
I am starting to realise that I never deserved the treatment I received even if I struggled to meet his needs. He should have left me if I wasn’t right for him. I never understood any of it or why I couldn’t be like he wanted me to be or behave like normal people.It made me unwell mentally and physically trying to.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 07/07/2023 08:53

I am and so are my sons. Actually it was them being diagnosed that led to my being diagnosed.

How it affects my relationship, it doesn't. My husband understands me and accepts me just the way I am. He helps me when I struggle and he guides and prompts me and over the years he's taught me all sorts of social tricks.

I'm sorry you were treated badly. That should never happen. You deserved better. Some NTs are just awful to their autistic partners and should do them a favour and fuck off.

PaintedEgg · 07/07/2023 08:55

I have ADHD so a bit of a different flavour of neurodiversity, but share some traits

It affects every part of my life but this if the only life I know - I have enough awareness to know I process things different to NT people, but at this point in my life it does not bother me.

I think understanding own condition makes a big difference. I used to be in relationship that was abusive and it sucked - but not because I have adhd, my ex was just an asshole.

I think the biggest tragedy of being a neurodiverse person is that we are conditioned to think we're the problem and that we should bend over backwards to please other people. This mindset can make people vulnerable to abuse, not because we are neurodiverse but because we are literally conditioned to be easy targets for exploitative abusers

ahunf · 07/07/2023 08:59

It affects every aspect of my life and I hate it

ahunf · 07/07/2023 09:00

People who say "I am who I am" "I wouldn't change it" "it's a gift/superpower" are talking shite.

speluncean · 07/07/2023 09:13

I didn't say it didn't affect my life.

It does. Every day.

But it terms of my relationship my partner accepts me as I am (which is a different thing - and that's what the op asked)

ahunf · 07/07/2023 09:16

I wasn't talking to you. I've read any replies.

speluncean · 07/07/2023 09:18

I thought you were as you said "I am who I am" and I said that.

ahunf · 07/07/2023 09:25

Sorry I didn't know

ahunf · 07/07/2023 09:26

ahunf · 07/07/2023 09:16

I wasn't talking to you. I've read any replies.

Not**

AnxiousBanxious · 07/07/2023 09:29

Me! Found out when I was 26.

I'm now almost 40 and learning about myself everyday.

DH has loved me since I was 18 and he's part of my journey. He's patient and reliable.

Watchkeys · 07/07/2023 09:32

Be who you are. Express what you like and what you don't like. Stop spending time with someone if you feel uncomfortable around them.

That's it. Autism, no autism, male, female, old, young... that's healthy relationships and healthy boundaries.

Stop looking to yourself to find out why people disrespect you. It's their business why they do what they do. Your business is to stay away from them.

FishTrashGlove · 07/07/2023 09:38

@Ifyousayso1 I can understand where you're coming from. I look back on a couple of past relationships now I know I'm autistic (late diagnosed) and I do think for me personally it did impact how much I put up with when things weren't right. But sadly that can happen whatever our neurotype, especially for women. I'm glad you're beginning to realise your worth and that you deserve happiness on your own terms. Because you do, in all aspects of your lifeSmile

PaintedEgg · 07/07/2023 09:40

ahunf · 07/07/2023 09:00

People who say "I am who I am" "I wouldn't change it" "it's a gift/superpower" are talking shite.

why? you hate it, another person may not mind it at all. Neurodiversity affects people differently for so many reasons, it's a unique experience

Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 09:41

I’m a lot better since being with my partner now. He does not throw me into situations I can’t handle. But I’m still exhausted from all the previous years of trying to fit in and change and be someone I couldn’t. I thought I was a black sheep and something was wrong with me. Well he asked me endlessly what was wrong with me and told me constantly I needed therapy. I couldn’t handle life with him because I couldn’t be that person.

I thought I had some form of complex ptsd but I’ve always been this way. Hated parties as a child, found friendships hard. My dad couldn’t shave his beard as I couldn’t handle him changing his face. Hate loud noise. My speech was delayed which meant I needed support for quite a while and I can’t spell well. Nothing was ever followed on as I achieved well at school. Just struggled with relationships and terrible anxiety.

OP posts:
ahunf · 07/07/2023 09:46

Yes sorry ignore my messages. I've just had enough.

Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 09:47

@FishTrashGlove I looked past the shouting and throwing things because he said it was out of frustration at me not being “normal”. I tried to be “normal” but it was so difficult and I obviously failed. I wasn’t “normal” I just didn’t realise. I am the way I am. Instead of throwing me into situations he knew I found difficult he should have loved and supported for who I am or left. I know how wrong I was to stay now.

OP posts:
h3ll0o · 07/07/2023 09:47

I’m autistic, so is my husband, however, we’re polar opposites personality wise. We’re able to accept our differences as conforming isn’t important to us and we’re able to accept people for who they are.

Im sorry you’ve been I’m an abusive relationship.

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