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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Any ladies on here with Autism?

93 replies

Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 07:47

Hi, I just wanted to ask if you don’t mind how this effects you. Also how it effects your relationship?

Im 40 and I’m pretty sure that I am on the spectrum but have never been diagnosed.

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 07/07/2023 09:48

Did you happen to date my ex by any chance? Because they sound very similar...

On a serious note - when you put your traits into perspective they are not that "problematic". A lot of people can't spell well (dyslexia is very common!) and it doesn't stop them from achieving a lot in life. Not liking parties or loud noises also shouldn't be seen as a negative trait - why is it "you're weird for not liking parties?!" and not "you're weird for not liking mountain climbing?!"

its nothing but social expectation, but these expectations vary depending on your social circle :)

KatherineSwynford1403 · 07/07/2023 09:49

ahunf · 07/07/2023 09:00

People who say "I am who I am" "I wouldn't change it" "it's a gift/superpower" are talking shite.

I am who I am, and I have ADHD. I would change it and I don't see it as a gift at all.

Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 09:49

@ahunf its very challenging. Everything overwhelms me, literally being alive I find challenging. I don’t understand any of it. I lost my dad a few years back and I don’t understand that and I can’t let it go currently.

OP posts:
WhisperingAutistic · 07/07/2023 09:49

You sound like you might be.
You should try and get assessed. NHS waiting lists are quite long. Private a lot quicker but you are looking at about a grand, possibly more.

PaintedEgg · 07/07/2023 09:51

@Ifyousayso1 I don't think your ex was "normal" or rather his behaviour was typical for an abuser. Even if you were neurotypical person he would find reasons to blame you for hit fits of rage and throwing things around - that's what these people do. It's always someone else's fault

Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 09:53

@PaintedEgg yes but I understand his acts of frustration. Eg he loved parties and dinner parties etc and I found it exhausting and challenging. He wanted to go salsa dancing and that just terrified me, all the touching and people. He was a bully but we were not suited at all.

OP posts:
badluckorbadvibes · 07/07/2023 09:57

I have no idea how it affects me that way as I don't know any different. I have been married for over 20 years with great success though...

Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 10:00

@WhisperingAutistic what will having a formal diagnosis mean. Does it help or change anything? I mean I am who I am I guess. I’ll never be comfortable in things I don’t like. Id like to become less overwhelmed I suppose. Also to stop going over and over things and misreading people and situations. I still can’t get to grips with the death of my dad years ago. I don’t understand death can’t get my head around it or explain what I don’t understand.

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 07/07/2023 10:01

@Ifyousayso1 there is absolutely nothing normal in experiencing this level of frustration just because your partner dislikes salsa dancing. A lot of people doesn't care for hobbies of this nature

a normal person would just find someone who fits in with their personality better, not try and abuse their partner into doing things they have no desire for

If he harmed you, even accidentally by throwing things at you, no court would take his excuse of "being frustrated because she didnt like parties" as mitigating circumstances.

WhisperingAutistic · 07/07/2023 10:04

Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 10:00

@WhisperingAutistic what will having a formal diagnosis mean. Does it help or change anything? I mean I am who I am I guess. I’ll never be comfortable in things I don’t like. Id like to become less overwhelmed I suppose. Also to stop going over and over things and misreading people and situations. I still can’t get to grips with the death of my dad years ago. I don’t understand death can’t get my head around it or explain what I don’t understand.

I was literally going to write a post about not understanding death on the neurodiverse mumsnetters board!!
Diagnosis for me meant that I can get a true understanding of why I'm like I am. I can tell others that too. It's been so much better since having it. It gives me a reason and I'm never wondering 'is this because I'm autistic or because I'm just a faulty human?'.
It also means I have access to accommodations at work if I need it, medical professionals are more understanding and I can attend a weekly group organised by the National Autistic Society.

Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 10:05

@PaintedEgg in court he said that he was that way because a) it was my fault and b) his dad abused him c) he’s a passionate person as African and me being English was too sensitive. He used to say dating me was like dating a log. I was emotionally dead. I wasn’t, I felt many things but didn’t know how to express them and If I could would have been too scared anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 10:07

@WhisperingAutistic will they take away my children? I get scared that if people know they will think I can’t parent well. I’m pretty sure my eldest who is 7 is suffering the same as me. She is struggling at school, especially with friendships. We are on the waiting list for support for her.

OP posts:
WhisperingAutistic · 07/07/2023 10:10

Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 10:07

@WhisperingAutistic will they take away my children? I get scared that if people know they will think I can’t parent well. I’m pretty sure my eldest who is 7 is suffering the same as me. She is struggling at school, especially with friendships. We are on the waiting list for support for her.

God no!
I have 3 kids. 2 are also autistic.

Watchkeys · 07/07/2023 10:11

ahunf · 07/07/2023 09:00

People who say "I am who I am" "I wouldn't change it" "it's a gift/superpower" are talking shite.

I am who I am. But it's neither a blessing nor a curse, or it's both. Same for everybody. We like the good bits of ourselves, try to accept the less good bits.

Being who I am was a gift for me when I was single. Now I'm in a relationship, some aspects of life are more challenging for me, but the benefits far outweigh the negatives. We all suit some contexts better than others. If we put ourselves only in contexts where we constantly shine, we will think our personality and traits are shiny. If we have a more rounded existence, we will understand that some parts shine and some parts don't.

It's not people 'talking shite', it's people detailing their own feelings regarding their own circumstances. They know best how they feel.

Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 10:12

@PaintedEgg he was denied contact at court for a while. But at the end of the day they called it a relationship problem. Therefore saying that the relationship caused the abuse not that he was abusive. I can’t help but believe me being me made him abusive. He isn’t doing it to his current girlfriend. She is much more suited to him, outgoing etc. Doesn’t make it right as he should have walked.

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Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 10:17

@WhisperingAutistic I would like to be able to tell people why I’m the way I am. I look to function really well but a lot of the time I behave in a way I think I should. If I behaved how I wanted or said what I wanted it wouldn’t be good. Sometimes I find it hard to hold it in. People expect too much from me because I look more capable then I am. If that makes sense.

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Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 10:19

My manager at work is forever saying come on you’re much more capable. I’m doing my best though. People say it all the time.

OP posts:
WhisperingAutistic · 07/07/2023 10:21

Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 10:17

@WhisperingAutistic I would like to be able to tell people why I’m the way I am. I look to function really well but a lot of the time I behave in a way I think I should. If I behaved how I wanted or said what I wanted it wouldn’t be good. Sometimes I find it hard to hold it in. People expect too much from me because I look more capable then I am. If that makes sense.

It certainly does make sense.
Dropping that mask is liberating. I've been diagnosed about 6 years now and am still a work in progress but I'm not hiding any more. I don't commit to things I cannot cope with and I look after my sensory needs.
I do mask at times too, like at my kids school etc but not at all at home and not when out and about.

I don't have actual friends though. I don't want them and I'm not lonely. I have acquaintances from things that I choose to attend. I cannot cope with the demands of friendships.

Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 10:28

@WhisperingAutistic I also have people I see at groups like my daughters swimming or at work but we are not friends outside of this. I’ve struggled with friends my whole life and don’t have any. I don’t understand why I don’t have any and often wondered what is wrong with me. But then I haven’t the patience or the time and never keep up with them, again I don’t really understand how to have them and it’s hard on my brain trying to figure out how to have friends, others seem to find it easy and have lots.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 10:29

I’m struggling with my sensory needs as I have a 7 month old baby who doesn’t sleep and she cries an awful lot and I can feel the panic in me rise with the constant noise. I become overwhelmed and stressed.

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WhisperingAutistic · 07/07/2023 10:31

Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 10:28

@WhisperingAutistic I also have people I see at groups like my daughters swimming or at work but we are not friends outside of this. I’ve struggled with friends my whole life and don’t have any. I don’t understand why I don’t have any and often wondered what is wrong with me. But then I haven’t the patience or the time and never keep up with them, again I don’t really understand how to have them and it’s hard on my brain trying to figure out how to have friends, others seem to find it easy and have lots.

You seem very similar to me
The last time I tried to be actual friends with someone was when my 7 year old was a baby. She lives on my street and asked did I want to come to a baby group with her. We had a decent time. After that though, she started texting me all the time about random stuff and knocked on my door when I wasn't expecting it, to come in for a coffee...
I nearly died 🤣
I ended up blocking her and we don't talk at all now.

FishTrashGlove · 07/07/2023 10:32

For me getting a diagnosis has kind of "given me permission" to be compassionate towards myself and my struggles, really consider what exhausts me, and take time out of situations when I can, make adjustments to work and life so I can decompress and recharge. I even get some financial help with commuting to work and my employer is good about practical things like giving me training in slightly different ways and things like that.

But mainly for me it's self compassion and researching ways to better handle day to day life to avoid complete burn out.

I also hear you on the grief. It's hard.

Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 10:35

@FishTrashGlove Ive developed chronic fatigue syndrome the past 6 years. I’m pretty sure my brain has worn my body out trying to fit in. I can’t carry on like this, being so hard on myself for feeling so different and not coping the way others do.

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fantasmasgoria1 · 07/07/2023 10:46

My mental health nurses said if I did an assessment I would be diagnosed with autism. I am still deciding if I want another diagnosis! I am definitely neurodiverse. I meet the criteria and to be honest it makes so much sense. I thought I was so good at reading people etc but I wasn't. Anyway, my husband loves me for who I am and it is all he has ever known me to be like. In fact he loves some of the 'quirks ' I have.

Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 11:19

@fantasmasgoria1 would it be “another” though or would it explain all of it.

OP posts: