Any ladies on here with Autism?

[Ifyousayso1]

Hi, I just wanted to ask if you don’t mind how this effects you. Also how it effects your relationship?

Im 40 and I’m pretty sure that I am on the spectrum but have never been diagnosed.

I'm 45 and was diagnosed two years ago. I also met some of the markers for adhd but not had a formal diagnosis. I would say it does impact on relationships. I was in a dv relationship and I wonder if I didn't pick up on signs due to asd. I've also taken risks in the past with one night stands and contraceptives. (I was very lucky)

With dh we get on really well so that helps. He has some nd too but we seem to compliment each other for the most part.

Id say friendships are more of a struggle I find I'm acquired taste and most people don't want to make the effort.

I'm 53 and was diagnosed with autism at 50 and adhd at 52. After a lifetime of feeling lesser and just shit at life, I discovered that there were 2 very good reasons why I've struggled through life. It was a "fuck me, I'm not shit" moment.

I've been in a dv relationship, when I was much younger. My other long term relationships have been with nd men. They were all healthy relationships that just ran their course.

That ex of yours was an arsehole who wanted a female version of himself. Why the fuck should you like the things that he did? You're an individual with your own likes and dislikes. He was an absolute knob.

I have 2 close friends. Turns out they're nd too. I love that we can not speak for months, then when we do it we get together, it doesn't matter. None of us get upset or irritated with the lack of contact.

I would say yes, get assessed. It really helps you understand yourself and in turn, kinder. Who you are is enough.

It seems a lot of nd people end up in abusive relationships. I wonder why that is?

@Ifyousayso1 I think its because we spend our lives being told we should try harder to try and fit in. So we grow up to be habitual people pleasers and this attracts abusers

I'm over 50. I had a lot of abusive relationships and 2 nice ones. But I don't like sex and am probably gay. And quite honestly I'm much happier on my own with pets.
When I was in relationship it affected me in the following ways: sensory issues with sex, disliking going out, not understanding I was being abused, having to mask all the time.

Agreed.

@Watchkeys perhaps I’m jealous, if that’s the right word, that they know who they are and I don’t. I’ve spent a long time trying to twist myself into fitting in I have forgotten. I didn’t like getting so anxious about eating out. If it was a week away I’d be so anxious that whole week. I had CBT but it didn’t work. That was during the time I was with my ex so that was never going to work. Since leaving I have no problem eating out, its just disappeared. I also used to get anxious going home but that has gone. I have no idea where the anxiety came from. Whether it was a dis regulated nervous system from my childhood where I was left to feel nervous alone.

they know who they are and I don’t. I’ve spent a long time trying to twist myself into fitting in I have forgotten

This is where your anxiety comes from. Imagine if you had a 4 year old child. Imagine that that child was screechingly uncomfortable in a certain situation. Would you say to that child 'Well, find a way to deal with it', or would you just take them elsewhere? Do you think the child would feel more anxious in scenario 1 or scenario 2?

As adults, we are deemed not to need our parents to be responsible for us anymore, not because we don't need someone else to be responsible for us, for our welfare, for our actions, but that doesn't mean that nobody is responsible for us anymore, because we take on the role ourselves. This includes, just like with that 4 year old child, making sure that we listen to and respond to the feelings. Just like that child, if we ignore our feelings and force ourselves to be in screechingly uncomfortable situations, we will feel anxious.

You haven't 'forgotten who you are'. In the instance you've mentioned, you are not someone who loves to eat out. That's one of the things that makes you you. Who you are is 'what you like and what you don't like'. You might like Rubiks cubes so much that you are a person who regularly attends Rubik conventions. You might like cooking so much that half your time is spent in the kitchen. You might hate horses, so, even though lots of your friends are riders, you don't go with them when they go to the stables. 'Who you are' is what you enjoy.

What do you enjoy? What do you hate? That's who you are. That's what you build your life around. And once you do that, your anxiety will diminish dramatically, because the 4 year old child in you will know that 'mummy' (i.e. the adult you) will look after them, will not put them in unpleasant situations, will not tolerate seeing them uncomfortable, etc.

You need to separate the anxiety in your relationship from your general quirks. I think they are two separate things.
Look at who you are now. Will a diagnosis help? Or just assume you are and read up and try to adopt some coping strategies if you can.

Your new do sounds ace.

This is a wonderful post

Excellent explanation of this dilemma.

@Watchkeys I was not listened to as a child so I said nothing and sat and stewed. Noises terrified me. I was scared in the dark. I was marched back to my room and made to stay so I recall being sick with worry all night. I used to go and sleep in my brothers bed instead but got told off. I’ve internalised it all until the whole world scared me and I didn’t want to go outside.

My mum was extremely controlling growing up so I hid everything I could from her. But as an adult that also included the abuse from my husband. Everything externally looked fine until I had a breakdown. My husband was a bully like my mum was so that relationship was a lot like my childhood. We were not suited but I got in too deep to get out. I kept secrets from my mum that he said he would tell if I left. It was his problems I was trying to fix. We married so he could stay here but nobody knew. I was manipulated then held hostage with the decision. Since I left him my anxiety has basically gone. Unless I see my ex or I have to do or go somewhere I don’t particularly want to.

My ex wanted me to be a big thing, he wanted a big house and money and expensive things, be the centre of the party, look like we made it and I was always a bit hippy like and wanted none of that. I like to walk around barefoot then have expensive shoes. He wanted to show everyone how much we had when we had nothing as it was empty. He has found a girlfriend now that must have the same wants as he always picks up our daughter with expensive clothes etc. He didn’t see me and I didn’t see myself. I do much more now and it’s quite scary what I put myself through.

Since I left him my anxiety has basically gone

Because you listened to your feelings, and responded by respecting them, rather than trying to silence them.

When we start to be our own parent (which is what being an adult is), we copy our own actual parents. They have modelled for us 'how to parent'. You now do to yourself what your parents did for you as a child.

This is why it's so important to listen to our kids and how they feel, and respect their feelings; we are not just offering them respect during their childhood, we are offering them self respect in their adulthood.

What I find confusing was when I met my ex husband he said he was waiting for a person like me, he was just like me, only he really wasn’t and he didn’t respect anything I said. It’s not abusive to like different things and he didn’t abuse me by physically hitting me (he threw stuff at walls). He has always claimed he never abused me at all and that I was too sensitive. He just didn’t see/listen or care about the things I said. He went off the handle if he didn’t agree. He never took me feelings into consideration. He had him and his needs and goals and that was that. When met with my opinion on something he literally blew a fuse and I backed off. He got his way by manipulating me emotionally. He told me he would “save” me but he did the very opposite.

Is that abusive? I am at fault for not respecting myself but at the time I did not know how to behave and I was scared because he was scary. But that’s scary to me but might not be classed as scary to someone else.

Throwing a plate of food at the wall would be scary to most people but most would have walked away I suppose. He said the food I made was poor. I took it that I need to make better food when I should have walked. He was very sorry and blamed it on something or another. Is that abusive or is that loosing your temper? He said he works hard and deserved better food.

He could have cooked for themselves. yes, he was abusive and a lot of people are shit cooks. If someone wants their food cooked for them they have no right to complain about the quality, and if they dont like it then can cook themselves