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Original poster

Any ladies on here with Autism?

93 replies

Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 07:47

Hi, I just wanted to ask if you don’t mind how this effects you. Also how it effects your relationship?

Im 40 and I’m pretty sure that I am on the spectrum but have never been diagnosed.

OP posts:
SpringleDingle · 07/07/2023 11:29

I am ASD. I have lots of idiosyncrasies that my boyfriend seems to think are adorable. He had to come rescue me in town last week because I got turned around and lost whilst out with the dog. I can’t touch him if he is hot and sweaty. I don’t like certain smells so his choice of body products is limited. His hair can’t touch me if it has gel in. Sometimes I get overwhelmed when in busy and noisy places and he has to help me leave. Revolving doors freak me out.

None of this negates the fact that I am intelligent, articulate, kind, loving, sexy, employed, loyal, fun etc…

KatherineSwynford1403 · 07/07/2023 11:42

SpringleDingle · 07/07/2023 11:29

I am ASD. I have lots of idiosyncrasies that my boyfriend seems to think are adorable. He had to come rescue me in town last week because I got turned around and lost whilst out with the dog. I can’t touch him if he is hot and sweaty. I don’t like certain smells so his choice of body products is limited. His hair can’t touch me if it has gel in. Sometimes I get overwhelmed when in busy and noisy places and he has to help me leave. Revolving doors freak me out.

None of this negates the fact that I am intelligent, articulate, kind, loving, sexy, employed, loyal, fun etc…

This is a great boyfriend you have.

I am with you about smells. I hate it in certain places where there are strong food smells that make me jittery and sick feeling.

Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 11:52

He sounds lovely. I absolutely hate eating out so my ex used to take me to the most expensive restaurants and complain as I couldn’t eat and sat in an anxious state. He said I was selfish as he loved eating out. I remember the first time I met his family. We went away and he wanted me to sleep on the floor in the living room surrounded by strangers. I asked to please sleep in the bedroom as I felt so uncomfortable. He again said I was selfish.

OP posts:
SpringleDingle · 07/07/2023 12:01

A nice boyfriend doesn’t make you do things that make you uncomfortable and you should only be with a nice boyfriend. It’s taken me time to realise that I may be a bit odd in places but my partner should
love me including my oddities and not in spite of. My boyfriend invited me to Alton Towers for the day and I declined as it’s too many people for me and rollercoasters make me freak out. He was totally fine at this and we are good.

I have kids and no social service involvement.

I might recommend anti-anxiety meds too. I don’t use them now but they have helped in the past.

stickygotstuck · 07/07/2023 12:04

OP, aside from the abuse, you and your ex sound totally incompatible.

A diagnosis might help you make sense of why you have struggled so much.

You say your 7 yo is showing signs - it may be a good idea to seek a diagnosis for both of you at the same time. You don't want to let her live her life wondering if there is something wrong with her too. There isn't. With either of you.

FreyafromLondon · 07/07/2023 12:07

I'm like you OP I spent 38 years masking.
For the last 5 years I've hardly left the house. I feel mentally worn down. I don't want friends and enjoy my own company.
I'm waiting on an assessment but got told the waiting list is two years long.
ASD has affected every part of my life and I'd go as far as saying, it's ruined my life in many ways. I wasn't understood at home, or at school or in relationships. I'm now alone with my severely autistic daughter and I see so much of myself in her. We have a fantastic relationship because I understand her

Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 12:18

I’m ok eating out now. I wouldn’t say It’s my passion but we can go anywhere and I’m not anxious. My boyfriend is relaxed and it’s made me feel relaxed. It’s a massive achievement for me as it was a big problem. In face my anxiety has come down to almost non existent with the right person.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 07/07/2023 12:22

Anxiety comes because you are not being the right person, though. Unless you want to rely on someone else, you are the person who needs to have your back. You are the person who needs to know that you will make you feel ok.

AxolotlOnions · 07/07/2023 12:57

ahunf · 07/07/2023 09:00

People who say "I am who I am" "I wouldn't change it" "it's a gift/superpower" are talking shite.

Or have had a different experience to you. I struggled for many years and often still do but I love my brain, it's really fucking weird in here! Wouldn't be without it literally and metaphorically. I would change the attitudes of NTs, not my autism.

melodî · 07/07/2023 13:06

Spiky bit first - I'm a woman and I'm autistic.

I prefer with autism rather than autistic. We're all different and you don't speak for all of us.

Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 13:24

@Watchkeys I never realised the way I felt was ok. I’ve been told my whole life I’m not normal. Everyone else can eat out ok so why can’t I. I had this way before my ex. It spread through my whole life, I became generally anxious of the world.

I made no friends as uni, a few girls picked on me because I was a bit of a lona. I wanted friends but non of them I was comfortable with. I carried it on to my masters. Everyone was socialising and drinking and I couldn’t, I hated it. I felt such pressure. I mean how was I going to succeed in design if I couldn’t socialise. I’ve always put a lot of pressure on myself to be like others are. I failed in the end. Then met my ex and it all went very wrong. I still want to be like others but I can’t.

OP posts:
stickygotstuck · 07/07/2023 13:31

Don't try to be like others. You are not. And why should you be?
Everyone is different, even those 'others' are not one monolithic lot, although it may seem so from the outside.

If it helps, remember that there are many others like you (at least more similar to you). It's just that they certainly make less noise - and a lot of those are busy pretending to be 'normal' or hiding away their feelings, masking basically. But they do exist. Like PPs in this post.

Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 13:37

@stickygotstuck its seems they have it so much easier. I get jealous of my brother who has a great job, big house, long marriage, friends etc, it’s all been so easy for him. I struggle dealing with what food to feed the baby and remembering times etc etc. It’s tiring. Other people are louder and get more attention for there accomplishments. I get forgotten people don’t see what I achieve as it’s seen as a given.

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 07/07/2023 14:08

melodî · 07/07/2023 13:06

Spiky bit first - I'm a woman and I'm autistic.

I prefer with autism rather than autistic. We're all different and you don't speak for all of us.

😂Did you read it? 'I'm a woman and I'm autistic'.
I didn't mention you at all!

Looking forward to when you put that autism you are with down for a while. Or leave it behind when you go on holiday. Lend it to someone else, maybe. 😂

melodî · 07/07/2023 14:56

Did you read it? 'I'm a woman and I'm autistic'.
I didn't mention you at all!

Of course you didn't mention me, as I hadn't yet posted on the thread. What a strange thing to say.

melodî · 07/07/2023 14:59

Looking forward to when you put that autism you are with down for a while. Or leave it behind when you go on holiday. Lend it to someone else, maybe. 😂

Hmm. That's a very literal basic way of looking at it, but you do whatever suits you.

QuitChewingMyPlectrum · 07/07/2023 15:01

I am autistic, and I have ADHD. I was only diagnosed a couple of years ago, and I am in a great marriage with an absolutely wonderful guy.
He is, apparently, Neurotypical. He is practical, organised, and very laid-back.
we have three children, all Neurodivergent, and his attitude is to treat everybody as an individual, taking into account their needs and their preferences.
The fact that I thought he was a lager lout when I met him still makes me chuckle. I could not have imagined more turning out like this.
My previous relationships were a binfire. If it doesn't serve you, let it go.

Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 15:09

@AuDHD4Me thats lovely. He sounds lovely. My partner now is lovely and understanding. From what I gather and overheard he has ADHD but I haven’t pressed and no one has said direct. He has his quirks as we all do but on a whole he is great. The only thing I find difficult is that he can’t throw anything away.

OP posts:
QuitChewingMyPlectrum · 07/07/2023 15:21

Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 15:09

@AuDHD4Me thats lovely. He sounds lovely. My partner now is lovely and understanding. From what I gather and overheard he has ADHD but I haven’t pressed and no one has said direct. He has his quirks as we all do but on a whole he is great. The only thing I find difficult is that he can’t throw anything away.

that is a common problem in this household too. I've had to start being really ruthless and I'm not very good at it.

Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 15:23

@AuDHD4Me Im the opposite and find too much stuff overwhelming which he can’t understand and visa Versa. I try and shove in the shed so not in vision in the house.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 07/07/2023 15:36

Everyone else can eat out ok so why can’t I

Why do you think everyone else can? Lot of people can't, or don't like to.

I still want to be like others but I can’t

Why do you want to?

Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 15:56

@Watchkeys because things are easier and they aren’t overwhelmed over the smallest thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 15:59

I’m also absolutely exhausted getting what I’ve got and others get things so much easier. I find life hard.

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 07/07/2023 16:00

There are things that are traits of neurodiversity and then there is anxiety

not everyone likes eating out, a lot of people hate it for various reasons. The same with parties and drinking - some people dont like alcohol, others dont drink due to health or religious reasons. there is no one set of "normal" rules

However, I do think you could benefit from formal diagnosis and access to therapy for your trauma and anxiety (because that's what you are dealing with). There are also useful life-hacks for things people struggle with.

It's also useful in learning to not make mountains out of molehills. It can be as easy as googling what babies can eat (nobody is born with innate knowledge of what babies can eat) and sticking to few things that work. It will all end up being chicken nuggets and ketchup in few years time anyway :) If you struggle with time keeping then there are way around it (speaking from experience - i struggle with keeping track of time quite a lot).

and you can be absolutely successful without networking and socialising. i genuinely dont think anyone likes it - in fact, one bonding experience people seem to enjoy at work is talking about how much they dont like forced socialising

Watchkeys · 07/07/2023 16:13

Ifyousayso1 · 07/07/2023 15:56

@Watchkeys because things are easier and they aren’t overwhelmed over the smallest thing.

Things are easier for people who respect their feelings. That's what you're failing to do. This isn't about autism. You're not listening to your inner signals. That's what feelings are. If you 'can't eat out', don't. You don't have to learn to do stuff that you don't like. You need to accept that you don't like it, and stop doing it.

You don't want a great job and a big house like your brother; that would overwhelm you. You are more comfortable with a smaller life, and that's better, because it suits you. Think about what your life would be like if it was perfect for you. What would the calmest, most relaxing day be like for you? Would it be in a big house that all needed cleaning, when you had to go to work at a big responsible job, and then a party with all your friends afterwards? It doesn't look like it from what you've said. So why be jealous of your brother? He's got what he wants, not what you want. It doesn't sound like you actually know what you want.

What do you want from your life, if it could be anything? What makes you happy? What makes you calm?

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