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Original poster

Am I being harsh with MIL?

121 replies

Eva6437 · 07/07/2023 06:31

Hi there,

Does anyone else have issues with their MIL?
My MIL is so annoying and pessimistic, I hate being around her! She has this self importance personality and always plays the victim.

MIL is divorced and lives alone 1.5 hr away. Divorce has been over 20 years and she still harps on about it and bad mouths her ex husband.
She depends on my DH emotionally and almost expects him to care for her like a husband cares for his wife? She thinks the sun shines from my DH ass and expects him to call her every week or to visit her regularly even though he works full time.
I thought things would change when we had our LO but it’s gotten worse, she expects to stay over regularly - this was the case even 2- 3 weeks postpartum with our first child and when we explained that she couldn’t stay when the baby arrived , she threw in the waterworks. We have suggested maybe staying in a hotel nearby but she doesn’t want to. I hate the assumption that she thinks she can stay whenever she likes to.

Whenever she visits she travels via public transport despite being able to drive, so she expects to stay over / being chauffeured/ to be waited on- as if she deserves it all. She’s rude with no manners as she often forgets to say please and thank you- no coincidence that this is only with me. I’ve already told my DH about this but he also finds her annoying so his solution is to ignore everything to avoid upsetting her, otherwise he will never hear the end of it. He often ignores her in person as he has very little patience with her and makes excuses to leave the house so that I’m stuck with her. This is also to avoid him from lashing out on her.

i used to hold my tongue and just let things slide out of respect for my husband, but now that LO is here, that’s my priority.
LO still wakes up for feedings in the middle of the night and going through separation anxiety, so I’m getting up multiple times to attend to LOs needs and naturally I want minimal distraction so that LO can get back to sleep.
I should mention here that the MIL stays up until early hours of the morning watching TV in her own house, but she also thinks it’s ok to do that at my house, even with my LO around- I find this is extremely selfish and inconsiderate.
As a result, she wakes up late in the morning, so I feel like we are hanging around waiting for her before we can do stuff in the day. This is obviously difficult with LO, so a few times I’ve just taken my LO out while she sleeps in til 10-11 because I’m not waiting for her / wasting my time.

She uses my LO as a topic to engage with my DH more even though she has my number and has messaged me previously about other things. Yet when she’s here, She doesn’t post E has never once offered to help with the baby- not even one nappy change!

I have bluntly told her that it no longer suitable for us to have guests in the house while LO is so young and sleep regression etc.she has ignored my message and complained to my husband.

I don’t need this negativity in my own house and I don’t want my LO to be brought up with grandma bad mouthing granddad. If it was up to me, I wouldn’t have her around at all- Is this harsh ?

OP posts:
ChubbyMorticia · 07/07/2023 06:39

Your husband needs to step up. No more foisting his mother off on you.

No more overnights. Period. Doesn’t matter what she wants, it’s your home. You need a break from her. He can pick her up after work and take her home before bed. It’s absolutely ridiculous he expects you to handle her when HE doesn’t want to!

And if you end up with him ignoring you and her in your house? I’d leave for the day, every day. Even consider going away until she leaves. Let him handle his mother completely on his own. Be done with the scapegoat role for both of them.

Twiglets1 · 07/07/2023 06:40

Yes it’s harsh to think about never having her in the house at all. One day “LO” could be married- how would you feel if their partner banned you from their house?

Your husband just needs to grow a pair & establish some ground rules with her. And stop finding excuses to leave the house when she’s visiting. You should be the one leaving the house for breaks if anyone.

Zanatdy · 07/07/2023 06:45

I think you are being a little harsh. Assume you have a spare room? Or are you saying the room she’s staying in will be the babies room? Just ask her to turn the TV off early, or wear headphones. She’s elderly and lonely, we all get to that stage. She wants to spend time with her family and to be honest compared to many threads I read here I don’t think she’s behaving that badly. I mean messaging her son about the baby. What on Earth is wrong with that? Why does she need to go via you, baby has 2 parents! She has lost her husband and wants to see more of her son and grandchild. I hope my kids never see me as such an inconvenience as people on here see their in-laws.

ZekeZeke · 07/07/2023 06:54

She lives 1.5 hours away so she isn't on your door step dropping in every 5 minutes. Your DH can hardly be supporting her like a husband 1.5 hours away can he?

How often does she visit?

Expecting her son to call weekly-thats not such a big ask now is it?
Sun shining out of her sons ass= very normal in my experience.

When she visits your DH needs to spend time with her. She sounds annoying but not monster in lawish.

Sleeping until 10am is hardly losing the entire day now is it?

Parkandpicnic · 07/07/2023 06:59

She does sound awful but as for changing nappies, sorry maternal hormones meant I didn’t mind changing my own babies (although glad once toilet trained) but certainly not going to offer to change anyone else’s baby, would never expect someone else to do that unless they babysitting/your incapacitated

Beamur · 07/07/2023 06:59

You are being a bit unreasonable.
One call a week to his Mum is hardly excessive.
How often does she come to stay?
Your DH needs to stop swanning off though - that's not on.

StephanieSuperpowers · 07/07/2023 07:00

I think you just really don't like her and are filtering every word she says through that. It shouldn't matter to you if your husband calls his mother of they text each other, or that she thinks he can do no wrong.

You must let go of things that are nothing to do with you and decide what to do about those that are. What you don't need is to set up a battle for her son. You might win, but it would be a very hollow victory.

ZenNudist · 07/07/2023 07:04

How often does she visit? Once a month would be fine for an overnight. On the condition your dh stays in and deals with her.

He can wait on her, you don't have to.

Apologise FGS. She's family.

Original poster
Eva6437 · 07/07/2023 07:15

Parkandpicnic · 07/07/2023 06:59

She does sound awful but as for changing nappies, sorry maternal hormones meant I didn’t mind changing my own babies (although glad once toilet trained) but certainly not going to offer to change anyone else’s baby, would never expect someone else to do that unless they babysitting/your incapacitated

sorry, I don’t mind changing my LO at all-as you say LO is my responsibility and would always so no when people offer , unless it’s my DH

OP posts:
SacreBleugh · 07/07/2023 07:16

Dear God. She expects her son to call her once a week and visit regularly. What a monster.

AppleKatie · 07/07/2023 07:19

It is clear you don’t like her, fair enough. It isn’t clear exactly what she’s done wrong though, I feel a bit sorry for her tbh.

perfectcolourfound · 07/07/2023 07:26

Calling her once a week? Surely you don't think that's a lot to expect?
Not changing the baby's nappies - I wouldn't judge her for that.
Contacting your DH more than you -I'd be grateful for that.

I agree that the regular staying over, especially when you have disturbed sleep, is a pain.

But the real problem here is your DH. He should be solving this problem. Surely you must be furious at him that he leaves you with his DM because he can't stand being with her anymore???? He needs to step in and stop the overnight visits or severely limit them, and always by mutual agreement.

MooMa83 · 07/07/2023 07:29

I get it...my MIL is a bit like this. I don't like spending time with her, she is not a nice person. But I have learnt to let some things go, as I want her to have a good relationship with my dc. However, your husband needs to be dealing with her more...not going out! Also I would have firm boundaries around things like bad mouthing her exH around your child...your husband needs to step up here and tell her it's not on. Be prepared that as your LO gets older more will happen that will annoy you, and you need boundaries to manage that....enforced by your DH!

Parkandpicnic · 07/07/2023 07:32

Eva6437 · 07/07/2023 07:15

sorry, I don’t mind changing my LO at all-as you say LO is my responsibility and would always so no when people offer , unless it’s my DH

Show quote history

Good, I’d never even offer too as one of those jobs that just find 100x more yuck when someone else’s child. I even mainly let hubby off most of time

Original poster
Eva6437 · 07/07/2023 07:33

perfectcolourfound · 07/07/2023 07:26

Calling her once a week? Surely you don't think that's a lot to expect?
Not changing the baby's nappies - I wouldn't judge her for that.
Contacting your DH more than you -I'd be grateful for that.

I agree that the regular staying over, especially when you have disturbed sleep, is a pain.

But the real problem here is your DH. He should be solving this problem. Surely you must be furious at him that he leaves you with his DM because he can't stand being with her anymore???? He needs to step in and stop the overnight visits or severely limit them, and always by mutual agreement.

No i couldn’t care less how often they talk on the phone.

I actually tell him to visit her more often too, but he doesn’t want to- so not much I can do about that.

Yes I am furious with DH because he doesn’t help much with LO either. So I guess I’m trying control the situation when I get up for all the night feeds alongside everything around E.g cleaning / cooking/ grocery shop/ feed the baby solids and cook baby food/ manage our accounts etc
even something as simple as putting glazed or dishes in dishwasher… doesn’t do it- leaves it by the side of the sink- it’s like living with a teenager and a baby!

OP posts:
notanotherclairebear · 07/07/2023 07:34

I could have written this post! My MIL always used to make snide comments to/about me - I got the impression she felt I was stealing DH away from her! He's an only child, MIL divorced over 30 years but tbf never bad mouths ex.

I used to put up with it because it was more hassle than it's worth, but when my DS was born I couldn't take it anymore - comments about parenting choices, 'in my day...' comparisons, plus she's a smoker and didn't respect my wishes that she not hold baby immediately after a cigarette. Doesn't sound much but the culmination of a decade of feeling belittled by her.

I ended up having a massive blow out with her - I didn't yell but I told her exactly how I felt. She cried, etc, and I removed myself totally from hers and DH's interactions. Didn't suggest visits, when she came I was civil but took myself upstairs at the earliest opportunity rather than chatting in the evenings. Told DH he was welcome to take the kids to see her but I was coming.

Sounds dramatic BUT actually things have been MUCH better since. I think she realised I'm not just a dick trying to keep her family away from her and that the only reason she sees the kids as much as she does is because I facilitate it and 'encourage' DH to invite her/go visit her. Also DH can't bear talking to her so they'd just sit in silence watching tv when I removed myself. Now that the kids are a bit older (6 and 4) I actually take them to see her by myself without DH and get on with her very well - we just needed to set boundaries and adapt to our new roles, mine as mother and hers has grandmother.

CwmYoy · 07/07/2023 07:34

MIL is not the only not a nice person.

You don't like her.

And you're looking for reasons to cut her off. Cruel and unpleasant.

ZekeZeke · 07/07/2023 07:36

YOU HAVE A DH PROBLEM NOT A MIL PROBLEM

NeverThatSerious · 07/07/2023 07:38

ZekeZeke · 07/07/2023 07:36

YOU HAVE A DH PROBLEM NOT A MIL PROBLEM

☝🏼

It is a shame your husband is so useless, you’re focussing on entirely the wrong person and misdirecting your anger.

Twiglets1 · 07/07/2023 07:38

Eva6437 · 07/07/2023 07:33

No i couldn’t care less how often they talk on the phone.

I actually tell him to visit her more often too, but he doesn’t want to- so not much I can do about that.

Yes I am furious with DH because he doesn’t help much with LO either. So I guess I’m trying control the situation when I get up for all the night feeds alongside everything around E.g cleaning / cooking/ grocery shop/ feed the baby solids and cook baby food/ manage our accounts etc
even something as simple as putting glazed or dishes in dishwasher… doesn’t do it- leaves it by the side of the sink- it’s like living with a teenager and a baby!

Show quote history

As is often the case on Mumsnet, you have a husband problem rather than the problem you initially complained about.

MIL is a small problem, your man child husband is a big problem

Original poster
Eva6437 · 07/07/2023 07:40

CwmYoy · 07/07/2023 07:34

MIL is not the only not a nice person.

You don't like her.

And you're looking for reasons to cut her off. Cruel and unpleasant.

To be Clear, I am not cutting her off, and fully aware that this will never be the case.

I have simply stated that when she visits- it will not be for overnights.

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 07/07/2023 07:46

I hope my son if and when married would phone me weekly at least.
She lives further away so at least she isn’t popping round often.
You don’t like her, which is fine, but keep in mind your ‘LO’ will grow up with your dh as their male model. Get him to step up. She isn’t the problem here.

SallyWD · 07/07/2023 07:46

I'm sorry but I think you're being harsh. Yes she doesn't sound great in some ways but a lot of things you're complaining about seem fine to me. You said some thing along the lines of "She uses the LO as a subject of conversation to bond with DH even though she has my phone number". What's all that about?! You sound resentful that she wants to talk about her grandchild to her son, as if she should only discuss the child with you!
You said she comes on public transport and expects to be chauffeured around. Maybe she's not a confident driver, doesn't fancy doing the 3 hour round trip (maybe on motorways?). I say this as someone who's nervous about driving. I'd always take public transport for a journey like this. As long as she's not demanding you take her out for long drives, I don't see the problem.
You don't seem to ever want her to stay. You were angry she visited 2 to 3 weeks after your baby was born - well so did my in laws and my parents (in fact it was one week post-partum). I was happy for them to meet their grandchild.
I feel like she can't do anything right in your eyes. She's old and lonely and you can't stand her being anywhere near you.
Certain issues can be addressed. Tell her not to watch TV late at night because it disturbs your sleep for example.
How would you feel if your child grows up to feel the same way you do. If they and they partner don't want you to visit them and everything you to annoys them?

Splishsploshsplash · 07/07/2023 07:49

Your husband sounds like an absolute dick. Your MiL sounds slightly annoying.

Original poster
Eva6437 · 07/07/2023 07:50

notanotherclairebear · 07/07/2023 07:34

I could have written this post! My MIL always used to make snide comments to/about me - I got the impression she felt I was stealing DH away from her! He's an only child, MIL divorced over 30 years but tbf never bad mouths ex.

I used to put up with it because it was more hassle than it's worth, but when my DS was born I couldn't take it anymore - comments about parenting choices, 'in my day...' comparisons, plus she's a smoker and didn't respect my wishes that she not hold baby immediately after a cigarette. Doesn't sound much but the culmination of a decade of feeling belittled by her.

I ended up having a massive blow out with her - I didn't yell but I told her exactly how I felt. She cried, etc, and I removed myself totally from hers and DH's interactions. Didn't suggest visits, when she came I was civil but took myself upstairs at the earliest opportunity rather than chatting in the evenings. Told DH he was welcome to take the kids to see her but I was coming.

Sounds dramatic BUT actually things have been MUCH better since. I think she realised I'm not just a dick trying to keep her family away from her and that the only reason she sees the kids as much as she does is because I facilitate it and 'encourage' DH to invite her/go visit her. Also DH can't bear talking to her so they'd just sit in silence watching tv when I removed myself. Now that the kids are a bit older (6 and 4) I actually take them to see her by myself without DH and get on with her very well - we just needed to set boundaries and adapt to our new roles, mine as mother and hers has grandmother.

Yes! Thank you! That’s exactly the impression that I get , as if I’m stealing her baby away from her.
I used to do the same when she stayed, make myself busy with other things so 1) I wouldn’t have to sit amongst the awkwardness when DH and her sit in silence 2) she feels like she’s had time with her son without me there

Since LO arrived, she’s been my focus.

OP posts: