Am I being harsh with MIL?

[Eva6437]

Hi there,

Does anyone else have issues with their MIL?
My MIL is so annoying and pessimistic, I hate being around her! She has this self importance personality and always plays the victim.

MIL is divorced and lives alone 1.5 hr away. Divorce has been over 20 years and she still harps on about it and bad mouths her ex husband.
She depends on my DH emotionally and almost expects him to care for her like a husband cares for his wife? She thinks the sun shines from my DH ass and expects him to call her every week or to visit her regularly even though he works full time.
I thought things would change when we had our LO but it’s gotten worse, she expects to stay over regularly - this was the case even 2- 3 weeks postpartum with our first child and when we explained that she couldn’t stay when the baby arrived , she threw in the waterworks. We have suggested maybe staying in a hotel nearby but she doesn’t want to. I hate the assumption that she thinks she can stay whenever she likes to.

Whenever she visits she travels via public transport despite being able to drive, so she expects to stay over / being chauffeured/ to be waited on- as if she deserves it all. She’s rude with no manners as she often forgets to say please and thank you- no coincidence that this is only with me. I’ve already told my DH about this but he also finds her annoying so his solution is to ignore everything to avoid upsetting her, otherwise he will never hear the end of it. He often ignores her in person as he has very little patience with her and makes excuses to leave the house so that I’m stuck with her. This is also to avoid him from lashing out on her.

i used to hold my tongue and just let things slide out of respect for my husband, but now that LO is here, that’s my priority.
LO still wakes up for feedings in the middle of the night and going through separation anxiety, so I’m getting up multiple times to attend to LOs needs and naturally I want minimal distraction so that LO can get back to sleep.
I should mention here that the MIL stays up until early hours of the morning watching TV in her own house, but she also thinks it’s ok to do that at my house, even with my LO around- I find this is extremely selfish and inconsiderate.
As a result, she wakes up late in the morning, so I feel like we are hanging around waiting for her before we can do stuff in the day. This is obviously difficult with LO, so a few times I’ve just taken my LO out while she sleeps in til 10-11 because I’m not waiting for her / wasting my time.

She uses my LO as a topic to engage with my DH more even though she has my number and has messaged me previously about other things. Yet when she’s here, She doesn’t post E has never once offered to help with the baby- not even one nappy change!

I have bluntly told her that it no longer suitable for us to have guests in the house while LO is so young and sleep regression etc.she has ignored my message and complained to my husband.

I don’t need this negativity in my own house and I don’t want my LO to be brought up with grandma bad mouthing granddad. If it was up to me, I wouldn’t have her around at all- Is this harsh ?

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · Today 08:59

re your comment:
"You're being harsh. My MIL is round daily, expects dinner daily then sometimes throws it in the bin uneaten, expects DH to go running if she has a problem and gets arsey for stupid reasons.... and I still don't treat her like that".

Treat her like what?. Why are you letting your MIL treat you like you're describing, would you tolerate this from a friend too?.

Its not some sort of competition here for who has it worse. Such problems in families are very real and do not get sorted out with a cup of tea and more help provided by son/daughter/son in law/daughter in law. The "normal" rules regarding familial relations go out the window when it comes to dysfunctional relations like Eva's.

Do you ever call her out on her unreasonable behaviour and if not why not?. She is in your home far too often and treats your house like some sort of hotel with concierge.

What if your DC started acting the same, what would you do then?.

Op, I get it. I too have a mil who likes to play the victim, but she’s very manipulative too. She’s very draining and I don’t enjoy spending time with her. She has such a negative view of everything and everyone, nothing is ever good enough, she even bad mouths her own daughter ( she’s said things about me too) I don’t like her but she would never know that, I’m polite, kind to her and when she visits ( once every 5/6 weeks) I chat to her normally (it’s 99% her talking about herself though, so I just listen)

The reason our relationship works is because Dh deals with his mum. We don’t text each other etc. Dh speaks to her about once a week.
Your dh needs to really step up and talk to his mum and put boundaries in place. That’s not your job.
At the end of the day, it’s causing you stress and it’s a problem, you need to come up with a solution. Some things can be resolved - e.g dh needs to talk to her about late night tv. It’s your house, your rules.

Does anyone else have issues with their MIL?
Another MIL bashing thread I see..

Sorry, I think you're being so nit picky and difficult. So what if she still had mouths her ex? How does that effect you? Just nod and carry on and change the subject.
Expecting your son to call you every week? Is just normal isn't it? She isn't asking a lot! I speak to my parents most days and so does my DH! What would you be happy with, a mo they phone call? She can't exactly drop in due to her distance.
Her putting on the waterworks because she couldn't stay, fine, that's up to her. You put boundaries in place and that's final. You did the right thing there.
If she chooses to take public transport fine that's her prerogative but YOU and your DH need to put boundaries in place and tell her you won't be around to drop her off and pick her up. But is it really the end of the world if a son gives his mum a few lifts to places once in a while? Really?

Why does her watching telly make things so difficult? To you take your baby into the living room during the night to settle them? If so simply tell her it she stays, no late TV. Or ask her to buy or lend her a laptop or iPad so she can take it to bed. Really no big deal.

She uses your baby to engage with your DH because he is her son.. the odd message to you wouldn't go amiss but why should she have to speak to you every time? She is his parent, naturally she will want to speak to him over you. Does your mum text your DH every time she wants to talk or bring up your child?

I'm not surprised she's complained to your husband.

It's simply you and your husband needing to put boundaries up and if she doesn't accept them, then she doesn't come to stay. But I do think you sound incredibly precious about the whole thing. It's not her job to change your child's nappy. It would be nice if she offered.

Unclench a bit.

sorry, I don’t mind changing my LO at all-as you say LO is my responsibility and would always so no when people offer , unless it’s my DH

So what's the problem with her not offering to change your child's nappy then

Your husband is useless.

You're being cruel to your MIL.

Maybe start having a vendetta against your husband instead of your mother in law that you don't seem to like.
She sleeps in until 10am. What a crime! Just get on with your day!

100% this

Kind of an odd thread. It went from one thing in the op to you disliking her intently and wanting tp give her the boot. To now you’re the one who is gracious and encouraging him to visit regularly and it’s all your husbands fault. I guess maybe as the answers didn’t go your way?

Exactly this.

She sounds a pest but also you’re not handling it very well.

Your husband is the problem here. Time to back off and leave her to him.

Yes I have always told him to visit her and call her…so then atleast then I don’t have to be made to feel uncomfortable in my own house.

I think I get it, because if I'm honest I've felt similarly in the past.... you're upset with you lazy husband/ man-child but you're (even subconsciously) blaming your MIL because she brought him up this way.

How often does she visit?

"Yes I have always told him to visit her and call her"

Why did you do this at all?. It is a question you need to ask yourself. The road to hell is full of good intentions and this good intention of yours has backfired on you. What you further have now is your DH using you as a buffer between you and his mother. He cannot at all deal with any conflict and will do everything possible to avoid this.

The red flags flying about re his mother were always present but you either minimised or simply not recognised them for what they were. Your parents are likely to be emotionally healthy people; your DH has not been half as lucky.

Every 4-6 weeks, then his father visits maybe every 6 weeks too

My DM is incredibly difficult, and my DH cannot stand her. He knows though that she's in my life, and when she's on the phone demanding something that instant from me he rolls his eyes and helps me find a solution that works.

But the reason we can cope is that mostly, I visit my DM alone or sometimes with DS if he's bothered to come. Rarely DM comes to mine, and if she does, I plan a lunch out or a shopping trip to help reduce the time he has to spend with her. I cater to her needs when she is here. He basically turns up for family weddings or funerals and not much else.

Your DH needs to be more like me - but he's not, and therein lies the problem. Probably it's compounded by you seeing he's also pretty useless at helping with you or the baby or the house in general?

Your MIL sounds rather unlikeable and things like staying up late with the tv or sleeping in can be managed by getting on with your usual routine and she can slot in when suits her, but I suspect she would be a lot more tolerable if he stepped up as the father, son and husband he's supposed to be.

Because I felt sorry for her, I know she craves attention from DH, which is why I suggest for him to visit / call her.
even at Christmas, I’ve said to my DH I’m happy for us to spend it apart so that he can be with her, but he doesn’t want to.

you’re right, my parents are happily married.

It was just an example of something she could do. Maybe I should’ve used another example like she doesn’t offer to hold / entertain LO while I sort dinner out

If she visits 4-6 weekly with weekly phone calls in between she doesn’t “crave” her son’s attention.

Your language is really damning OP, I’m sure she has her annoying habits but don’t we all? I’m not sure she’s got much chance against your animosity and her son’s disinterest. Does he have any siblings?

Do you ask her?? I don’t have any kids and am sometimes a bit unsure what would be helpful, but I’ll do anything if asked.

She’s maybe aware you don’t like her and doesn’t want to add “interfering” to the list.

Your directing your anger for your husband at your mother in law instead.

I hope your LO isn't a boy, imagine how you would feel if when he's an adult his wife hates you for no real reason and bans you from visiting.

You dont sound like a nice person at all

Thank you , I have already told DH this

I haven’t banned her from visiting, just not overnight

She isn't giving me everyone loves Raymond mum vibes. She sounds a little difficult, probably because she feels lonely and rejected. Now if something went really wrong in your dps childhood between them, then that would be different, but it sounds like she's a bit prickly, feels a bit awkward and out of place with feeling rejected on top.

Kill her with kindness OP. You'll be grateful to have a babysitter in a few years. Don't get stressed about the small things.

How would you feel if your husband banned your parents from staying at your house, or banned your friends etc

I get it's annoying, I don't particularly like my MIL either, but apart from being mildy annoying it doesn't sound like she has done anything massively wrong.

I would personally let her stay over night still but not adapt anything in your routine, get up and go out when you want, let her know you won't be able to drive her around so she should bring her own car etc.
Offer for her to join you if your heading out ("mil were heading to the park at 10am tomorrow morning and then to the cafe for lunch if you fancy joining us?"etc) and then stick to it and go either with or without her, then the balls in her court to adapt her own routine or not

What @1HughJass says too