Am I being harsh with MIL?

[Eva6437]

Hi there,

Does anyone else have issues with their MIL?
My MIL is so annoying and pessimistic, I hate being around her! She has this self importance personality and always plays the victim.

MIL is divorced and lives alone 1.5 hr away. Divorce has been over 20 years and she still harps on about it and bad mouths her ex husband.
She depends on my DH emotionally and almost expects him to care for her like a husband cares for his wife? She thinks the sun shines from my DH ass and expects him to call her every week or to visit her regularly even though he works full time.
I thought things would change when we had our LO but it’s gotten worse, she expects to stay over regularly - this was the case even 2- 3 weeks postpartum with our first child and when we explained that she couldn’t stay when the baby arrived , she threw in the waterworks. We have suggested maybe staying in a hotel nearby but she doesn’t want to. I hate the assumption that she thinks she can stay whenever she likes to.

Whenever she visits she travels via public transport despite being able to drive, so she expects to stay over / being chauffeured/ to be waited on- as if she deserves it all. She’s rude with no manners as she often forgets to say please and thank you- no coincidence that this is only with me. I’ve already told my DH about this but he also finds her annoying so his solution is to ignore everything to avoid upsetting her, otherwise he will never hear the end of it. He often ignores her in person as he has very little patience with her and makes excuses to leave the house so that I’m stuck with her. This is also to avoid him from lashing out on her.

i used to hold my tongue and just let things slide out of respect for my husband, but now that LO is here, that’s my priority.
LO still wakes up for feedings in the middle of the night and going through separation anxiety, so I’m getting up multiple times to attend to LOs needs and naturally I want minimal distraction so that LO can get back to sleep.
I should mention here that the MIL stays up until early hours of the morning watching TV in her own house, but she also thinks it’s ok to do that at my house, even with my LO around- I find this is extremely selfish and inconsiderate.
As a result, she wakes up late in the morning, so I feel like we are hanging around waiting for her before we can do stuff in the day. This is obviously difficult with LO, so a few times I’ve just taken my LO out while she sleeps in til 10-11 because I’m not waiting for her / wasting my time.

She uses my LO as a topic to engage with my DH more even though she has my number and has messaged me previously about other things. Yet when she’s here, She doesn’t post E has never once offered to help with the baby- not even one nappy change!

I have bluntly told her that it no longer suitable for us to have guests in the house while LO is so young and sleep regression etc.she has ignored my message and complained to my husband.

I don’t need this negativity in my own house and I don’t want my LO to be brought up with grandma bad mouthing granddad. If it was up to me, I wouldn’t have her around at all- Is this harsh ?

I’m sorry but treat her like what?

im not rude to her when she’s around , I’m not saying she can’t visit, just no overnight stays.
offered to book her into a hotel nearby, (that we will pay)

hats off to you , I would not accept anyone treating me the way your MIL treats you in my own house. It’s just disrespectful.

Why are you with a man who does absolutely nothing to contribute to the running of the house, or parenting his kid?

OP - several people have asked how often your MIL comes to stay. I haven't seen you answer this (sorry if I missed it). You say you're banning overnight stays. Maybe this is fair enough but I can only imagine how hurtful this must be to your MIL.
How often she's staying and for how long is key here. If she's coming every month for a week then yes, I can understand how this would be too much.
If she's coming every few months for a couple of days then I personally would accommodate her but make sure there are some gentle rules in place. This is really down to your DH. His mum's visits are stressing you out so he should be ensuring the visits are less stressful. He should ask her to turn off the TV at a certain time. He should look after her, take her out. You could use the time to go out, catch up with friends, have a long bath - or whatever you like doing.
Instead your DH is just avoiding the whole issue, not being kind to his mum, not being kind to you, not helping out with the baby.
Like many others have said, I really think your anger is misdirected here. He's the one I'd be angry with.

You the not helping etc could be she isn’t sure if she should and not wanting to seem as if she is taking over or overstepping the mark.

@SallyWD she did answer it.

I think you both sound a bit… prickly, maybe?

Not wanting her to stay overnight when you’ve just given birth is absolutely fair enough. Not wanting her to stay full stop because she watches tv is mean (just ask her to turn it down if it’s disturbing you).

I don’t think you can complain that she doesn’t change nappies if you wouldn’t let her anyway. Maybe she’s (rightly) picked up that you’re not receptive to help with your baby?

Your husband should be ringing her every week and her wanting to chat about your LO with her son instead of just you is completely normal.

It sounds like she’s mildly annoying but your husband is the real problem

Every 4-6 weeks- stays for 4 nights usually, DH in work 2 of those days

Ah I see. Thanks. So every 4 to 6 weeks ifms fairly frequent but how long does she stay? My parents used to visit every 5 weeks (before they became too old) and would stay 2 nights. This was OK for us...(nice in fact).

Ah OK - maybe you all need to have a chat about the frequency of the visits but it seems like your DH just avoids the issue.

I think you may have missed my reply. She stays 4 nights, b it two of those days DH is in work, so it’s me and her

So why can't there be a compromise where she stays the two nights the your dp is home? Two nights is perfect for house guests. They go off after 3.

There’s no need for overnights ever imo with only 1.5 hours travel. If the overnights were removed then likely the relationship would be easier all round.
dmil sounds quite young and needs to fill her time herself instead of relying on everyone else.
Before everyone jumps on me for being a heartless bitch,my parents and grandparents had good relationships and I’ve had good relationships with my own parents and in laws. No overnight stays involved.

yes to dh needing to step up. Otherwise when she is actually old and frail the expectation will be to move in and be cared for by you- it’s women’s work so your dh won’t be doing it on current form.

She ends up crying saying its not long enough

Make it a set thing? She comes over once a month say the last weekend Friday - Monday.

On the Saturday have a date night. Say while
She's there spending time with LO you'll take the opportunity for some couple time.

Then on the Sunday have a day out with your friends/family or take up a hobby while hubby and mil did whatever they choose (with lo of course!)

It'll seem much shorter then and you'll get to do some things you choose too x

I thought you said she ignored you?

Honestly OP just take charge of this now. Ring her when she next wants to stay and say MIL "I'm really looking forward to you staying, I'm planning on cooking us all a nice roast, we can only host for 2 nights this time but can't wait to see you" be bright and breezy AF, if she crys pretend you can't hear, say I can't hear you, the signals terrible, dh will pick you up usual time, byyee". Also OP use your words! Tell her the telly is too loud. I think you really do need to make an effort like this for a while.

She ignores my text messages yes.
when it comes to deciding when she is coming down to visit, it’s between her and my DH- he tells me whenever she cries around him. I don’t react to it.

I feel the same too, my FIL also lived 1.5 hours away and he just does a day visit or chooses to stay in a hotel. We have a great relationship with him.

So ring her instead of texting. Grab the bull by the horns and sort it out in a way that works for you without banning her and being unreasonable. You've got to deal with this woman for a very long time. Do it in a way that works for you and stop letting your micro resentments build up into big ones.

Bright, breezy, happy, to the point. Or you're just putting your dh in a shit position of having to tell his mum she can't stay at all as she has the tv up too loud and doesn't text you back.

Your harsh, your husband is a lazy arse which is why he avoids his mother. Sort him out and the other problems go away

Needy and craving her sons attention of wanting a weekly phone call and a visit every six weeks.

I agree four days is too much. But I don’t think pas that she’s unreasonable. In fact I think you are as you dislike her. Some of your wording. Like craving his attention, now she feels about him actually reads like you think you’ve to compete with her .

Your DH should have your back

If you want MIL to visit every 4 weeks for 2 nights your DH should make sure that happens

If he doesn't do this then MIL is not to blame. DH is to blame

Honestly, stop sending photos. Don’t dialogue with her. If she calls or texts, refer her to DH. Let him know that if he announces that she’s coming to stay, then he is to make himself available to her 24/7 - to do the heavy lifting that he has saddled you with. He will need to take time off work and do the “annoying” things like ferrying her around, etc. If she arrives unannounced, you and the babies will immediately go elsewhere until she’s gone and he’s going to have to explain why to her. He needs to man up.

You're fine to say no overnight visits and to tell your husband HE has to entertain her. Also fine to ask she doesn't complain about grandad once LO is old enough to understand. I think she's pissed you off so a few things sound a bit unreasonable but I think once you've had some space you'll feel a little more reasonable.

I really think from your updates that your lazy selfish husband is to blame for a lot of this.

Perhaps if he could show a little kindness towards his mother rather than avoiding her, things wouldn't be so fraught.

If he dislikes her so much why is she visiting at all?

It sounds like he is just another deeply selfish man who doesn't put himself out for anyone, mother, child, or wife.

He's a real dud.

Don't make the mistake of having more children with this waster.

Well maybe that’s the thing, my parents / friends would not expect to be waited on when visiting us and especially not when they know I am sleep deprived LO, and they offer to help out in any way that they can.
Also, they don’t expect to stay over when they’re aware my LO is crying awake every 2 hours for an hour