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Original poster

if we got married by just signing a bit of paper by ourselves, would we regret it later?

81 replies

bohemianbint · 24/02/2008 16:26

I've been with DP for 5 years this year and we have an 18 month old son and a baby due in August.

I've never really seen the point of getting married and have avoided it because I don't see why I should! However, recently, it's started to make a bit more sense, but only for practical reasons, cheaper car insurance, yadda yadda. It's not very romantic but then I don't feel the need to make a massive expensive gesture to prove we love each other- I reckon bearing two children probably gets the point across!

I've also never wanted a big wedding and the thought of a trad do and saying all that stuff while everyone we know watches makes me feel sick with fear! It's just not for me, and whilst DP isn't that fussed I think he'd like to make a bit more of it than I do.

But recently, for some reason that I can't explain (probably pregnancy hormones) I feel like I just want to sign the papers asap, before the baby is born. I couldn't give a crap about it beign "born in wedlock", DS wasn't and I don't set any store by that because I'm not religious. I'd just like to be married by then, for some reason, and maybe have an informal party to celebrate, perhaps a year on when things aren't so manic.

Has anyone done anything like this? Does it feel "not proper" if you sneak off and just sign the papers? Would I regret not doing something more memorable in years to come? I can't see me ever changing my mind and wanting a ceremony in front of lots of people, but should we have at least parents? But then, that would lead to faffing...Will stop waffling, but can anyone offer any advice/anecdotes please?

OP posts:

Moomin · 24/02/2008 16:28

Why don't you get hitched with minimum fuss but treat you and dh to lovely posh meal and night in hotel and the party later, like you said. If it's right for you and dp, then what's to regret? Would you be 'hiding' it from your parents? and would it cause a fuss if they felt they were missing out?

belgo · 24/02/2008 16:28

I don't think you will regret it - but the question is - how will your parents feel? Will they feel as though they've missed out?

I had a very small wedding in a registery office, with just parents and brothers and sisters, and we had a meal afterwards. It was lovely, and I don't regret it at all.

Original poster

bohemianbint · 24/02/2008 16:33

I'm not sure if the parents would care - I guess they would but maybe they see it as more than it is...What I mean is that for me, it would be like filling in a passport application. I would like to have some sort of celebration with everyone involved later when we have the time and inclination (and money!) to put some real thought into it, but the actual signing I see as a bit of necessary beaurocracy.

Am I hideously unromantic and missing the point? I still feel that the paper bit won't affect how I feel about DP, it's not really about needing to make a public commitment as such...

OP posts:

nkf · 24/02/2008 16:34

You sound much too sensible and level headed to regret having a small wedding. One thing I would advise is if you intend to have a small affair, make sure it's fast ie decide now and book a date in a fortnight's time. Weddings have a habit of growing to fill the time allocated.

Iota · 24/02/2008 16:34

expat was posting about this the other day:

" By expatinscotland on Thu 21-Feb-08 13:20:52
We eloped, too. We grabbed two strangers off the street as witnesses and then took them to lunch afterwards."

I got married abroad, so avoided lots of fuss, but had a memorable time

donbean · 24/02/2008 16:34

we did!
we booked the registry office,i hire a frock but best of all....we didnt tell a soul till one week before. you dont have to tell any one at all!
you only need a couple of witnesses thats all.
was the best day ever, suited us down to the ground, we do not regret a single thing.
do it do it do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

motherinferior · 24/02/2008 16:35

Oh god, no, do it that way. Pidge did, I know, and I think at least one other MNer has too. Also you avoid all the people saying 'ahh how romantic, you are finally celebrating your Lurve, knew you'd see the light eventually, 2getha 4eva' etgaggingcetera.

If you want to later, you can throw a magnificent party.

SugarBird · 24/02/2008 16:37

So strange but dp and I were having this conversation just last night. Like you, we've not religious and have never seen why we need to marry - we've been together 22 years and our kids are now teens!

But as we're getting older we're starting to talk about making things easier if something happens to one of us...

Friends of ours went off and did the deed (with just their kids there) for similar reasons a couple of months ago. They didn't have anyone else there (kids were old enough to be witnesses) and were very happy with the decision as it meant they didn't have to offend anyone. And fwiw, nobody did get offended! They had a big informal party later (not to do with the wedding) and invited everyone to that.

The only reason to have a ceremony with others there (apart from your witnesses) is if you want it. What's important is that you do what feels right to you.

ScienceTeacher · 24/02/2008 16:37

There are lots of good reasons for getting married.

Marriage protects you when the marriage ends (hopefully by death rather than divorce).

I can't think of any good reason why you should not marry when that is the life you are living.

belgo · 24/02/2008 16:38

if you really don't think your parents will mind, then I think you should just go ahead and do it. And fast!

donbean · 24/02/2008 16:38

We met our pals in the pub that evening, that was that.
Im not romantic and could not be arsed with any thing fancy.

Have to say tho, that although we didnt tell any one till one week before, the place was bloody packed to the rafters, the world and their dogs turned up.
like you we had been together for yonks so it was just signing the paper for us.

was fab tho.

Pruners · 24/02/2008 16:41

Message withdrawn

motherinferior · 24/02/2008 16:42

I have to say I would be very upset if masses of people turned up and started doing the gushing 'oh you are celebrating your Lurve' bit.

Original poster

bohemianbint · 24/02/2008 16:43

LMAO motherinferior - yep that's exactly what I want to avoid!

Interesting that everyone so far says do it. Might show this to DP, see what he thinks. We can always throw a fabulous party next summer when I am (hopefully) not pregnant or still the size of a house. Plus any hope of a honeymoon went out of the window 18 months ago so not like we're missing out there. Aaaah, but I guess we'd not be getting toasters and tea sets though, bugger.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 24/02/2008 16:43

I mentioned to a friend that Mr Inferior suggested getting married and she started going on along those lines (along with the even more gag-worthy idea of a wedding list) and I was torn between bursting into tears and throwing up.

Original poster

bohemianbint · 24/02/2008 16:44

Pruners - is the ceremony bit strictly necessary? I never quite got why you couldn't just fill in the bloomin form and have done...

OP posts:

donbean · 24/02/2008 16:48

we got cards arriving for weeks after the wedding with B&Q vouchers and Argos vouchers in, it was great, not a toaster in sight AND we never asked for a thing!
we were skint as we had just bought our house and were doing it up, people just knew!

we have fab fab family and friends, no one was offended and every one was just chuffed for us.
8 years this year we have been married!
(been together for 14 years tho)

viggoswife · 24/02/2008 16:48

DH and I got married in a Registry office alone with one witness each. We did not even tell our parents until the next day. I just wanted to be married to him. Was not at all bothered about the hoo ha that came with it.

I was completely excited and happy in the days leading up to the wedding and on the day, got my hair done and wore a nice outfit etc, he wore a suit and it was very special for us. Have no regrets. Please do it.

franke · 24/02/2008 16:48

Why would you regret it? You've said yourself that you're doing for practical reasons rather than making some great statement to others about your life together. DH and I did this - we went on a long holiday abroad with dd, I was pregnant with ds. We got married along the way with one witness present. It was my dream wedding . We didn't make a secret of it to our families, just told them what we were doing very matter-of-factly. The only downside is that you don't get masses of wedding presents

foxythesnowman · 24/02/2008 16:52

only read the op, but i'd happily do it this way. but our friends would never forgive us if we didnt have a party!

Pruners · 24/02/2008 16:52

Message withdrawn

ravenAK · 24/02/2008 16:54

I knew it wasn't just me who wondered irritably if there shouldn't just be a form you filled in online & emailled off...five minutes later back pops your marriage certificate in pdf format...

Definitely don't tell people till the last minute. We just vaguely said when we told people about my pregnancy 'oh & we'll be getting married at some point'...close family & friends were absolutely fine, but assorted casual mates & distant rellies spent months miffing about it, which could've been avoided if we'd kept our gobs shut.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 24/02/2008 16:57

Hubby and I lived together before we were married but it really did change things and it felt different after we were married. We had our kids after the wedding so that is a bit different for you.

My suggestion would be a registry office/nice other venue with parents if they want to come and any siblings and then a party later when it suits.

Carmenere · 24/02/2008 16:58

I want to get married But like you BB just quietly. Dp is reluctant (how fecing charming is that hey?). But if I were to get hitched (and I will and he would want to watch out because it doesn't have to be him) It will be a small and discreet affair.

LadyOfWaffle · 24/02/2008 17:00

Dh and I got married in the smallest wedding on earth - tiny room, just the registrar (sp?) and 2 witnesses (my mum and old next door neighbour, but would have had strangers off the streets if we could), I wore a pale blue suit, DH wore a suit and I had a last minute (bought an hour beforehand) small bouquet. I do not regret as such doing it that way, it was a choice of big wedding or buy a house, DH wasn't on speaking terms with his side of family, I couldn't deal with amm the pomp of a big wedding where the focus is how fancy, how expensive, how posh it all is other than the true meaning... But, I have always had in my mind we would have a blessing and have a celebration of our marriage later on which would be more like a traditional wedding, because that's what I want. If you regret the small wedding, you can always do something later on

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