Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

if we got married by just signing a bit of paper by ourselves, would we regret it later?

81 replies

bohemianbint · 24/02/2008 16:26

I've been with DP for 5 years this year and we have an 18 month old son and a baby due in August.

I've never really seen the point of getting married and have avoided it because I don't see why I should! However, recently, it's started to make a bit more sense, but only for practical reasons, cheaper car insurance, yadda yadda. It's not very romantic but then I don't feel the need to make a massive expensive gesture to prove we love each other- I reckon bearing two children probably gets the point across!

I've also never wanted a big wedding and the thought of a trad do and saying all that stuff while everyone we know watches makes me feel sick with fear! It's just not for me, and whilst DP isn't that fussed I think he'd like to make a bit more of it than I do.

But recently, for some reason that I can't explain (probably pregnancy hormones) I feel like I just want to sign the papers asap, before the baby is born. I couldn't give a crap about it beign "born in wedlock", DS wasn't and I don't set any store by that because I'm not religious. I'd just like to be married by then, for some reason, and maybe have an informal party to celebrate, perhaps a year on when things aren't so manic.

Has anyone done anything like this? Does it feel "not proper" if you sneak off and just sign the papers? Would I regret not doing something more memorable in years to come? I can't see me ever changing my mind and wanting a ceremony in front of lots of people, but should we have at least parents? But then, that would lead to faffing...Will stop waffling, but can anyone offer any advice/anecdotes please?

OP posts:
SorenLorensen · 24/02/2008 19:55

I almost got married when I was about 8 months pregnant with ds1 - I actually rang the register office to make enquiries - we were just going to go and do it without telling anyone. I never had any aspirations to a big wedding either - but I surprised myself by how much I wanted to be married once I was pregnant. In the end, we didn't do it - mainly (how shallow is this?) because I had nothing to wear I also got cold feet about excluding immediate family - I didn't want to upset anyone.

We got married when ds1 was 6 months old and it was the most dreadful day - it was the first time dh's parents had met my parents and the atmosphere was completely strained (MIL barely spoke all day and was decidedly frosty - to this day I don't know why). We ended up with 9 guests (well, 10 if you include ds1) - my parents, MIL and FIL, my brother and his gf, dh's sister and bf, dh's brother. I was glad when it was all over and, with hindsight, wish I'd got married in my dungarees at 8 months pregnant and with two witnesses off the street.

Don't let me put you off though I am still glad to be married - though I can't say I felt much different afterwards and dh didn't even tell anyone at work - someone noticed his wedding ring a few days later. Oh and it was our 10th anniversary last September - so the crap wedding didn't mean the marriage was doomed

SoMuchToBits · 24/02/2008 20:04

Do what my sister and her dh did - they had been together for years, but wanted to get married, no fuss etc. They went to Gretna and booked wedding there (they live in Wales). They didn't tell anyone until about a week before, and then only close family, so it was just them (Gretna provide witnesses). They don't regret it.

Botbot · 24/02/2008 20:40

BB - haven't read whole thread but I feel exactly the same as you. The only thing that's stopping us just going 'sod it, let's just do it' is worrying about offending all our friends whose lavish weddings we've been to. Which is ridiculous.

Am now going to read whole thread and get inspired.

MsHighwater · 24/02/2008 22:55

SueW, heterosexual people can have a civil partnership. It's called marriage.

SueW · 24/02/2008 23:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request.

MsHighwater · 24/02/2008 23:31

I suspect cos it would have been much harder to pass the law if it had been overtly about marriage for homosexuals. Seems to me, though, that that is what it is in all but name. The level of commitment/ceremony (or lack of)/formality/paperwork etc is, afaik, close to identical (someone will certainly correct me if I'm wrong about that).

Pruners · 24/02/2008 23:34

Message withdrawn

Lasvegas · 25/02/2008 12:15

We just did register office and afternoon off work. No guests. I don't regret it but I do regret not having any photos of the 'event'. I think it was more romantic than having guests as we could just concentrate on each other not on friends and relatives. Did think about having our 3 yr old DD there coz she would have looked cute but then I thought it was important on that day that DH and I were there simply for each other not for DD.

mumblechum · 25/02/2008 12:18

We decided on the Tuesday (pos. preg test!) and got married on the Sat, with special licence. Got our 4 best friends down, had lunch after the ceremony then all out juggling in the park in the afternoon, flew off to Paris the next day.
It was lovely. We phoned our parents on the wedding day and they were all delighted, no hard feelings at all (I'd been married before so they'd done the big hat, white wedding thing already).

Pidge · 25/02/2008 13:15

We were also hoping to go for a civil partnership - for us it did the legal stuff without any of the baggage that marriage has. But when it was restricted to gay couples only we figured we'd better go for the marriage deal, but just make it a 'legal event only' thing for us. And I'm pretty happy we managed that. It was like writing a will, it just sorted out the paperwork.

chocolateshoes · 25/02/2008 13:18

We felt exactly the sae as the OP & got married after 15 years last May. There was us 2, DS and two good friends. We had the shortest ceremony possible and then went out for a long lunch altogether. It was lovely & totally what we both wanted.

chocolateshoes · 25/02/2008 13:22

However, my parents were really disappointed & felt very let down......a long story. But I still don't regret it.

choosyfloosy · 25/02/2008 13:24

I shouldn't be on this thread as I have had 2 big weddings (and loved them both, but still if you offered me the money back, I wouldn't say no). However, dh and I have also had a church blessing that was just us and the vicar, and that was absolutely brilliant and the best of the lot. we went to a restaurant afterwards and got the waitress to take a photo of us leaving (in retrospect I would have done it either outside the church or arriving at the restaurant, as we are noticeably a bit p*ssed and crumpled on the way out). Had a lovely time though. Have met several people who have eloped and never a regret between them.

Fennel · 25/02/2008 13:29

We did the minimal "us plus two witnesses" after 12 years together, I do regret it a bit, but what I regret is feeling the need to do it at all when we really didn't ever want to be married. I would still much rather not be, it doesn't feel right at all to us, but in the end, if DP dies, I am not sure I could afford to be not married. so I married him in case he dies. Romantic or what?

Here's an interesting article in today's Guardian about it.

lifeandhealth.guardian.co.uk/relationships/story/0,,2259673,00.html

ib · 25/02/2008 13:32

I still wish we had...we intended to but made the mistake of letting our parents know. In the end we had 10 people there but still way too much fuss for my liking.

foxinsocks · 25/02/2008 13:34

I read that this morning, the Guardian article (there was something else in the Sundays too - will try and remember which paper it was in!).

We ran off and got married, mainly though to avoid having to invite any family lol. On the day, we called 2 friends (who we knew were around) and they were witnesses and I carried dd throughout.

It was wonderful and incredibly special. We went out that night for dinner and then picked up dd from friends and went home! It was tiny but just what we both wanted.

Quite a few friends were upset that we didn't have a big party and I think, with hindsight, what we should have done is taken about 20 people (close friends) out for dinner.

katepol · 25/02/2008 14:02

Anyone else done this and still not told anyone else they are married? . The only people that know about me and DP (or should I say DH) are our witnesses (and the taxman etc).

mejon · 25/02/2008 14:28

Go for it - you have to please nobody but yourselves. We did it 2 years ago this June, two months before DD made her appearance. It was just us and DH's best friend and wife as witness. We all went out for a lovely meal afterwards. We told no-one else until the following day when we sent 'announcement cards' to our familes and nearest friends. My parents were great and thought it was just the right thing to do (my dad obviously ecstatic that I'd 'done the right thing' before DD was born!!). Some were disappointed that they thought they were missing out on a party - but that's one of the main reasons why we did it tbh!

If you feel 'cheated' that you didn't do the whole shebang later on down the line, you could always renew your vows with a more lavish ceremony in the future.

Original poster
bohemianbint · 25/02/2008 14:49

Ah bugger - the fly in the ointment is that DP wants his family and certain freinds there, it turns out. And some leads to others, and there you have it, just what I didn't want. We'll have to figure out some kind of compromise - I really quite fancy the idea of Gretna, how romantic!

OP posts:
choosyfloosy · 25/02/2008 15:12

OK, why not do what Zoe Heller did, although she did it in America which makes it easier, you might have to fudge things a bit. What she did was throw a party and then suddenly her dp and her stood up and said 'this is our wedding, here's the celebrant', they exchanged vows there and then, and the party continued. [vague on details]. Slightly tricky as in this country i think you still have to get married in a licensed place in the daytime. You could do the register office with just Dh's dad and 1 other, then the (lunch) party for a non-legal surprise ceremony?

Gretna, I have to say I have always heard is a bit grim, although have never been there so prepared to be corrected.

mylovelymonster · 25/02/2008 15:12

we thought about Gretna - but it's a bit of a theme park these days, with coach trips apparently...................

Mumcentreplus · 25/02/2008 15:20

Me and DH were going to elope (we just didn't have the cash)he had booked the registry office and we had 2 friends to be witnesses...but I just felt terrible not telling my mum...I was pregnant at the time and I thought ...'My mum would really love to come I'm her first born'..lol...we had 2 weeks left till the date and I called my mum and told her...she was a diamond and she was so happy I'd told her...we hired a tiny Caribbean resturant...I did all the invites place settings/decorations by hand..my uncle borrowed a friends convertable merc to use as the wedding car...we could only invite 50 people so we had to pick the people truly important to us... the most expensive things were the food and my dress which my mum had specially made to fit around the bump!...funnily enough all the people we invited said it was the best wedding they had ever been to and the cheapest..lol...I think you should just stick to a small number and make a day of it..(we asked for money as gifts and it practically paid for itself) Goodluck whatever you choose to do!

KatieScarlett2833 · 25/02/2008 15:34

I got married in America. It was easy. We just popped down to the local courthouse with passports, etc and got a licence. The ceremony was later carried out by a woman justice in a nice hotel who also arranged photo's, etc. The whole wedding was organised in a day.

Fennel · 25/02/2008 15:54

Katepol, our parents and wider families don't know. But we aren't close to them.

Some of our friends know, but we didn't tell people at the time, except a few die-hard anti-marriage cohabitants who we knew would understand. But I will tell people, If they ask, or in the context of conversation.

Pidge · 25/02/2008 16:15

We told our parents, and have only told friends as it came up in conversation. i.e. I don't lie if asked, but it's not something I would mention unless it happened to be brought up.

That included one comedy conversation two days after the deed when a friend said "so what did you get up to at the weekend?"