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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The script begins......

92 replies

Chewbaccaslime · 06/07/2023 19:10

Just that really. DH gone to PIL after lots of woe is me, 'mental health problems' that have appeared overnight, not happy, not sure if he loves me anymore blah blah blah. Meanwhile I'm left at home with the kids. Four years ago I would have been upset. Now I'm just pissed right off.

He swears blind there is no one else. There's always some fucker else, isn't there?!

OP posts:
Xeren · 06/07/2023 19:13

Urgh! I’m so sorry you’re going through this! It’s sounds like you’re over it and no longer putting up with his bullshit. Good for you!

Summer2424 · 06/07/2023 19:15

Hi @Chewbaccaslime omg totally hear you! I'd be pissed off too!

BestServedChilled · 06/07/2023 19:16

I’m glad you found your anger early. It will help you avoid being sucked in by his bs.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 06/07/2023 19:16

Yup.

Keep your cards close to your chest and start getting your ducks in a row x

Original poster
Chewbaccaslime · 06/07/2023 19:17

Xeren · 06/07/2023 19:13

Urgh! I’m so sorry you’re going through this! It’s sounds like you’re over it and no longer putting up with his bullshit. Good for you!

We were at the point of breaking up just before Covid but we worked it out. I am just not doing all that dance again. If he's not happy he can jog on and have the kids 50/50.

OP posts:
GrinAndVomit · 06/07/2023 19:17

Chewbaccaslime · 06/07/2023 19:10

Just that really. DH gone to PIL after lots of woe is me, 'mental health problems' that have appeared overnight, not happy, not sure if he loves me anymore blah blah blah. Meanwhile I'm left at home with the kids. Four years ago I would have been upset. Now I'm just pissed right off.

He swears blind there is no one else. There's always some fucker else, isn't there?!

Do you have a plan for what happens next?
Will you be ok financially, etc?

Original poster
Chewbaccaslime · 06/07/2023 19:20

GrinAndVomit · 06/07/2023 19:17

Do you have a plan for what happens next?
Will you be ok financially, etc?

Show quote history

When I looked into it all last time, I would've been able to claim UC. Not sure where that stands now as I earn slightly more. House is rented. There isn't a lot to split after that TBH. Kids will be devastated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chewbaccaslime · 06/07/2023 19:23

justanothermanicmonday1 · 06/07/2023 19:16

Yup.

Keep your cards close to your chest and start getting your ducks in a row x

My ducks are getting poised as we speak.

OP posts:
GrinAndVomit · 06/07/2023 19:28

Chewbaccaslime · 06/07/2023 19:20

When I looked into it all last time, I would've been able to claim UC. Not sure where that stands now as I earn slightly more. House is rented. There isn't a lot to split after that TBH. Kids will be devastated.

Show quote history

Run your details through the Entitled To website and see where you are with that. X

Pinkbonbon · 06/07/2023 19:30

Either there's someone else or you've not been jumping to his tune enough and he thinks this'll shake you.

Assuming like you say all these issues just appeared overnight like you say.

I mean falling out of love with someone is one thing but the whole 'maybe I don't love you anymore' crap...nah, fuck off with the headfuckery mate.

Original poster
Chewbaccaslime · 06/07/2023 19:59

@Pinkbonbon it's the whole I DoNt KNow WhAt To dO that what I can't be doing with. We've got two kids that can't be pissed about. Make up your mind dickhead you're in our out.

I'm so fucking angry because I had things I wanted to do tonight and now I'm just sat here raging to myself.

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 06/07/2023 20:04

I would message back okay that’s fine but we need to make water tight childcare arrangements then suggest a rota. It’s shit for your kids but it sounds like you will create a calm and loving environment for them and you.

Pinkbonbon · 06/07/2023 20:15

Chewbaccaslime · 06/07/2023 19:59

@Pinkbonbon it's the whole I DoNt KNow WhAt To dO that what I can't be doing with. We've got two kids that can't be pissed about. Make up your mind dickhead you're in our out.

I'm so fucking angry because I had things I wanted to do tonight and now I'm just sat here raging to myself.

Yeah think I'd be giving it 'put your whole self out and do the hokey cokey, dickhead'.

It's just such a cop out whole 'I dOnT kNoW wHaT I wAnT'. Wants to string you along pining after him more like.

Take back the power and tell him YOURE done.

frozendaisy · 06/07/2023 20:22

So can you take over rent yourself or do you need a slightly smaller cheaper place?

When you can make that decision.

Tell him we can either sort out childcare and maintenance between ourselves or pay a fortune in solicitor fees.

Make sure he doesn't try to fob you off with "i'll collect them on my way back from work and drop them in the morning on my way in" excuse to not pay maintenance and not do any pick ups, each day means the WHOLE DAY, you need to career progress as well.

Be firm. Direct your anger.

The kids will be ok if you both work with them front and centre. You can stab pins in a him like doll in private.

porridgeisbae · 06/07/2023 20:29

Make up your mind dickhead you're in our out.

Don't wait for him to decide what he deigns to do @Chewbaccaslime . You'll feel better if you are the one to tell him it's over as you're not putting up with it.

OceanicBoundlessness · 06/07/2023 20:35

You sound like you're in a really good place for dealing with this.
He doesn't want to be the bad guy and wants to have his cake and eat it... And to feel like a victim. How unattractive! And yes all part of the script.

The least faffing possible will be best for the kids. Op you have my full admiration for going into this with your eyes open. Best of luck.

teadi · 06/07/2023 20:36

porridgeisbae · 06/07/2023 20:29

Make up your mind dickhead you're in our out.

Don't wait for him to decide what he deigns to do @Chewbaccaslime . You'll feel better if you are the one to tell him it's over as you're not putting up with it.

This!!
I'd just take away his decision and tell him yo fuck off already.

Not knowing what he wants tells you all you need to know. Don't waste your life with someone who isn't absolutely sure they want to be with you - that's minimum standard.

Plus doesn't sound like you particularly want to be with him anyway (understandably)

MissChanandlerB0NG · 06/07/2023 20:42

You sound extremely head strong, I love it.

Give him a very small window to 'make up his mind', if he starts faffing just make the moves yourself.

Hope you're okay and manage to relax a little as the night goes on.

SpringleDingle · 06/07/2023 20:54

Sounds like you know what you want and it’s not him. I’d proceed that way.

Original poster
Chewbaccaslime · 06/07/2023 20:57

Sorry I'm trying to reply to people in turn.

I am just so angry with him. He is now angry with me because I have got angry with him.

I don't honestly know what he expected from me. I do feel like I am the one being set up to be the bad guy. The kids came home this afternoon and I asked what he wanted to do, did he want to go to PIL for time to think? Apparently that was me rushing him or forcing his hand. We have 2 autistic kids and I don't have time for his navel gazing on the sofa while life carries on around him FFS.

He gets to say all this shit about me, he hurts me and I'm not allowed to be angry? Fuck that shit!

I don't know how it is coming across but I don't feel like I have my head together or my shit together. I am crying my eyes out while my kids are upstairs. We were like this in 2019 and in all honesty I don't think I ever fully trusted him after that. I always suspected someone else then bit he always denied it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chewbaccaslime · 06/07/2023 20:59

MissChanandlerB0NG · 06/07/2023 20:42

You sound extremely head strong, I love it.

Give him a very small window to 'make up his mind', if he starts faffing just make the moves yourself.

Hope you're okay and manage to relax a little as the night goes on.

I don't feel head strong at all. I am so sad and miserable. I've spent half my life with him. I'm just so upset for my kids. I don't think our relationship has been amazing for a while. But we have always been focused on the kids.

OP posts:
CrystalCoco · 06/07/2023 21:18

Chewbaccaslime · 06/07/2023 20:59

I don't feel head strong at all. I am so sad and miserable. I've spent half my life with him. I'm just so upset for my kids. I don't think our relationship has been amazing for a while. But we have always been focused on the kids.

Show quote history

Your focus can and will still be on the kids, they will be your top priority.

You are so switched on about 'the script' I think that's why PPs are saying you're head strong. You are streets ahead in your awareness of what he is probably up to, when I was in your shoes I had no friggin clue there was an OW (which of course there turned out to be!)

I'd tell him that although he may not know what he wants, you know what you want, and show him the door. Nip this shit in the bud before he plays you for a fool. Good luck x

Beaverbridge · 06/07/2023 21:23

Good for you love. Who does he think he is. He's got 2 kids to think about. Sick of reading about all these weak arsehole men on here, leaving women to pick up the heavy work.

Original poster
Chewbaccaslime · 06/07/2023 21:49

Beaverbridge · 06/07/2023 21:23

Good for you love. Who does he think he is. He's got 2 kids to think about. Sick of reading about all these weak arsehole men on here, leaving women to pick up the heavy work.

To be fair, usually he does his fair share with the kids. I just don't know where all this has come from. I had my youngest in tears at bedtime because of it all. All I could think was this is his fault!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chewbaccaslime · 06/07/2023 21:53

I just don't understand where it has all come from. I'm so upset and hurting so much. For him to say he doesn't think he loves me anymore and for him to then wonder why I was angry and upset at him. It just doesn't make any sense. What did he want from me? To be all sunshine and roses afterwards. I wonder if he wanted me to be fawning over him.

OP posts: