The script begins......

[Chewbaccaslime]

Just that really. DH gone to PIL after lots of woe is me, 'mental health problems' that have appeared overnight, not happy, not sure if he loves me anymore blah blah blah. Meanwhile I'm left at home with the kids. Four years ago I would have been upset. Now I'm just pissed right off.

He swears blind there is no one else. There's always some fucker else, isn't there?!

I am struggling so much this morning. Kids have gone to school asking when dad will be back. Work sent me home cos I was so upset. I just want to take a baseball bat to all his stuff I am so sad and angry about it all.

I am so angry that he has been so half arsed a husband and he can't even be fucking arsed fighting for me. I hate him.

Too right he should fight for you. He sounds utterly unlikeable. Hang in there.

Ran some numbers through entitled to which look hopeful. It also recommended claiming DLA/PIP for autistic DC which I currently don't. Just feels like a lot of hard work/paperwork that I need to do when the kids are in bed.

Going to speak with my parents later about the legal side of things. Urgh.

Also put a lottery ticket on in the hope that I can win enough to run away from all my problems.

I've never understood why people (tbf women do this too) can't look at their own needs and ask themselves if children could prevent them from fulfilling those BEFORE choosing to have kids. Men especially just seem to think it'll be a walk in the park. And have no awareness of how it'll change their life and their partner. And then have the cheek to complain about it when it does. As if they had no say in the matter.

Like no shit her life isn't going to revolve around you anymore dude. You've made two other people!

I mean are we supposed to be psychic and work out our needs AND theirs? It's like some people don't do any kind of self exploration and soul searching before they bring kids into the world or before they make any other long terms commitments in general tbf. And they get to 40 or whatever and suddenly its 'oh boohoo the world made my choices for me and I'm so hard done by'. My heart bleeds.

Seriously, maybe he is having a mid life crisis (often characterised by chasing other women tbf) But it's not your circus.

Just concentrate on looking after you.

Fingers crossed on the big lottery win. Treat yourself to a hot tub if you get it! ...and invite us all round haha.

Google the 180. You need to focus on yourself.

I read an analogy at the moment he is stood with one foot on the pier and one foot on the boat - pull the boat away and he’ll make a decision very quickly.

If there is someone else he’s hedging his bets, indulging in the ego boost.

You need to look after you. If there is someone else you need to pull the boat away. Use your anger to do this.

Ok, citizens advice can help you do benefit checks and claim DLA. Ring up for the forms to be sent to you, (this becomes the start date for the claim rather than if you fill in and return an online form where the start date is when they receive and process it)
If your child is 16 it will be PIP that you claim. And what sector do you work in? Some sectors have charities that can help, for example the Bank Workers Charity supports current and ex bank workers, Perennial helps those in the gardening sector.
I've been in your shoes and come out the other side. You can do it!

Massive big hand hold for you lovely. Yeas get the pip claims in and apply for everything. Lots of helpfully advice from other posters. Secure you and your lovely kids future. As for him, he can fuck off.

@Chewbaccaslime

Speaking to your parents is very wise. Not just for the legal aspect but also for emotional support. Plus, it will give you a place to store important papers and other items away from your home if you need to.

Nothing wrong with a lottery ticket now and again. One can have some lovely daydreams between buying the ticket and learning that you lost (again).

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, you're doing great!

It's been an absolutely exhausting day. It is officially over. H came around this afternoon and we sorted out some of the lologistics. We told the kids and they seemed to take it OK.

I just feel so sad. We talked about a lot of stuff that if we had talked about a long time ago then we wouldn't be in this place. I've been with him half my life and I'm just so devastated and sad and lonely right now. The kids are in bed and I'm just sat here crying my eyes out.

I'm so sorry OP. Sending you a hand hold 💐

I know it feels awful now but take one day to a time.

This is the first day of the rest of your life, and you're going to have so much to look forward to. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now x

Lovey, big hug. Know how you feel like hundreds on here. But, you will get over him, one day you will look back and think wtf. Mean while look after yourself and your lovely kids. 💐.

Sending hugs x

Thank you, I appreciate it so much.

I just feel like so many little things set me off crying. Just daft things like going to the supermarket, hearing a song on the radio all makes me think of our time together. I always thought it would be easy without him, but now he has gone, I miss him so much.

I'm just so sad thinking about all of the good times. And there were so many good times. How we were together today reminded me of all the good and I just think we could've worked at it.

I know this is the right decision but it just hurts so much. I'm scared of being alone forever. It's horrible.

@justtype @Beaverbridge

Thank you, I really do appreciate your support

You are allowed to grieve for your lost future, your hopes and dreams. You will grieve for the person you thought he was, whilst remaining angry at the person he is. And as with any grief it will eventually become bearable, then one day you will wake up and realise he hadn't crossed your mind the previous day.

Take one day at a time. Life will get easier.

I was where you are now 7 years ago.
The usual "I'm not sure what I want, this is all too hard, I only asked you to marry me because I thought that's what you wanted," I'm a massive man baby and can't cope with the reality of parent hood and having to step up when things get tough

Now - I genuinely count my blessings that this happened. I really mean that. Yes, I spent 16 years of my life with him and to a point I felt like it was 'wasted' but I'm so far past that now. He did a massive favour. Let me in on the secret that he was incapable of behaving like a fucking adult and dealing with life.
I can't lie, I still have to deal with his fecklessness and ridiculous stunts fairly regularly, but oh my god I'm so much happier. I have a LOVELY life with DS. We are fabulous without him, there's no tension, no resentment and just love. I literally cringe when I see him now. Pathetic. I'm so glad he gave me a get out.

I promise you, you will get there too. It might take a while, but it won't always feel this dark. I promise you this. Stay angry, and KNOW that one day soon you are going to wake up and feel relieved that you are living your life free from this navel gazing, juvenile twat. You and your beautiful children will have a lovely life together xxx

@AlwaysReadyNeverSteady how did you cope in the evenings? When my kids are here I'm fine, keeping busy and can distract myself. But when they're in bed I can't switch off enough to do what I would usually if I was on my own (read, game etc). Watching the telly, I miss having H to chat to/cuddle up with.

I don't know how I'm meant to sleep tonight. I'm so tired I can feel my eyes going already but I'm terrified of sleeping alone. Which is ridiculous. I have never lived alone, grew up in a busy home and lived in full houses before moving in with H.

You amazingly clued up and that’s going to save so much pain
When it happened to me I wasted far too much time not seeing the reality of the situation so I admire your stance & sensible-headedness
sorry this is happening to you

but I'm terrified of sleeping alone.

For tonight get a pillow or two and place it on his side. As soon as you can get one of those large pregnancy pillows so it will always feel as though there is someone with you. It's the adult version of a teddy 😉

As for the evenings you will soon settle into a routine but for now maybe a deep relaxing bath with zenlike music, or clean out those kitchen cupboards you've been putting off for months.

To be honest, it was difficult in the beginning. Being alone in bed was hard, the evenings too. It's still very early days for you and your emotions are raw, understandably so. It will not feel this dark forever. I remember my best friend kept telling me this and she was so right.
I coped by trying to really take care of myself. Having long baths, listening to soothing music, comforting podcasts and 'The Comfort Book' by Matt Haig was literally a real comfort. Easy to read, short bursts of kindness that helped me so much.
This period didn't last long for me however, as I became so tied up with sorting the practicalities and admin involved, I just ran with it. It kept me busy and angry that he'd caused all this. Then gradually, I started to realise how utterly pathetic he was and my sadness turned to pity. And relief that I was free to raise and support my ACTUAL child.

You will get there because you're clearly a very strong woman ❤️

@Pixiedust1234 @AlwaysReadyNeverSteady and everyone else. Sorry I can't keep up with this at the moment. I am honestly just so touched by the kindness that I have been shown by strangers.

I managed to actually get a decent night's sleep which is a start. I just feel so sad about everything today. Naively or not I don't think there is anyone else now TBH. I just think neither of us were particularly compatible with living with someone else and throwing kids into the mix made it a million times worse. DC are autistic and I suspect both DH and I are too. I always kind of assumed it was just me but looking back now there are so many signs DH is probably too. That I just missed. We have had problems for years TBH and I feel rotten looking back now at the part I played in it all when at the time I was do angry at him and putting all of the blame on him.

But then I think about lots of things where I know I will be happier for being on my own. The sad part is really we were living virtually separate lives. The kids haven't really noticed he's not here ATM which speaks volumes. I keep reminding eldest to text him cos otherwise they won't speak to him today. A lot of things feel the same. But the house feels emptier and quieter somehow.

I'm trying to keep pushing through and carry on as normal but I keep crying too.

I'm kind of using this thread as a place to vent right now without any expectation of any replies or advice. But I do appreciate anyone who is reading and everyone for their kind posts

Oh and I won on the Euromillions last night........

£2.40 🙄😆

Lol, you, ve got sense of humour, congrats on your win!. Vent on here all you want. Lots of great advice, wish it'd been around when I split from ex.

You poor woman.

What a selfish twat.

Do not allow him to think he has zero responsibilities to the children.

Drop the children off at his parents and tell him 50/50 is what he needs to organise himself for.

It gives me the rage to see loser men thinking they can grab a bag and walk out the door.

Make it his and his parents issue to care for HIS children.

Do not allow him to think he is a single man who can skip out on his children.

I'm so sorry things are so hard.

To be fair, he is trying to get things sorted out for overnight at his parents. They don't have the room currently so he is trying to sort out a place of his own. He has offered to have them stay with him on his days off this week (Sun-Tues). I am the one who has put a stop on this because its not fair on the kids to sleep on the floor and not practical for the school run etc. (Parents live in the next town, my house is walking distance). He will have them all day tomorrow and after school so he is doing his share.

I'm just glad it's so close to school holidays because I have a chunk of leave booked, the kids are off and it gives time for things to settle without the logistics of school runs etc.