The script begins......

[Chewbaccaslime]

Just that really. DH gone to PIL after lots of woe is me, 'mental health problems' that have appeared overnight, not happy, not sure if he loves me anymore blah blah blah. Meanwhile I'm left at home with the kids. Four years ago I would have been upset. Now I'm just pissed right off.

He swears blind there is no one else. There's always some fucker else, isn't there?!

Yes, that's what he wanted. He'll be shocked at your response. He'd have hoped to have his ego stroked.

He'll be wondering how you can let him go so easily. (It's not easy I know but from his point of view, he'll be blindsided)

Op I’d behave the same. I love dh but if he wasn’t sure if he wanted me and fucked me about he can fuck off. Life is far too short to tolerate that and so the pick me dance. If you don’t want to be with me, I wouldn’t be begging him to stay, let me find someone who loves me and treats me with kindness and respect or at least let me be on my own not dealing with an indecisive man child.

I'm not even arsed about having another relationship. I've always been someone who enjoyed my own company. DH is too. I thought that was why we worked and that we 'got' each other.

TBH cracks appeared after the kids arrived. DH and I both struggled to adjust to parenting and I've suspected for a while he resents being bottom of the heap for my attention. But I always tried to show him I cared.

It feels like shit. I've had to block him because I just want to ask him if he ever loved me.

Your head may be all over the place but you've got the fire in your belly and that will carry you through. And it sounds to me as if you've had enough of him. Whether there's an OW or not is immaterial at this point, you're done either way. So concentrate on the future and what YOU want rather than concentrating on the past and what HE thinks you did 'wrong'. (Answer = probably nothing)

Leave him to himself. There's no need to talk when there's really nothing to to talk about. Keep yourself and your thoughts to yourself and let him do the same. Who wants to hear his bullshit and his whinging and blaming you for all of HIS shortcomings. And yes, he wants you fawning over him, poor baby and his fucking male ego. Nothing a shit man loves better than the 'pick me dance'. Don't play into it. He's got the rope so let him hang himself, he doesn't need your help.

You concentrate on YOU and your DC. Think about the peace in your house with him not there. And less cooking, laundry, and cleaning too! As of right now you have only yourself to worry about (and DC of course) and only yourself to please. Drop the mental load that was him. No need to carry it anymore.

You've got this, you really do.

@AcrossthePond55 I actually cried reading this thank you so much. I needed to hear this.

The nerve. You are actually taking care of his children which is the hardest job anyone will ever have, and now this?

Why can't he just be upfront?

Having a sort of similar situation myself this evening. Especially when I've tried to stick up for myself and given form boundaries....he off sulking again. Absolute losers....

It's shite isn't it?!

Stay angry.

I would round up all his stuff and dump it at PILs, tell him it's over, you both need a fresh start. Don't let him be dictating to you, you take control and get Mr Wishy-Washy out of your life. Nothing worse than an indecisive man, make the decision for him.

You can take the burden of decision making off his shoulders for him by filing for divorce.

And yes, you are being set up here.

But remember - he's going to tell anyone with an ear what a bad, bad wifey you were regardless of what action you take.

Meanwhile, get in the habit of shrugging and getting on with your life.

I can't sleep

How the fuck am I meant to sleep. I have a headache and can't stop crying

Find a podcast to listen to. It'll give your brain chance to switch off and not think obsessively.

Such supportive comforting words for a worry-free night, brava brava!

The OP has already said they want 50/50 childcare - so there’ll be no maintenance to pay.
Makes that part easier at least!

I really feel for you and I think your probably right about another woman , even if there is not you have lost trust in him and it wont ever be the same again .You are crying because you are grieving for the marriage and unfortunately that will take time , you will have to go through all the stages but you will get stronger . I found out my husband was a serial cheat and had a long term mistress . it nearly killed me but I'm stronger now and he is begging for my forgiveness but there is no way I'm taking him back , I'm actually looking forward to life without him now and I thought I'd never say that as I was devastated over his affairs but the mistress is welcome to him now .. You'll get there too but you have to go through hell first but you'll find the light . I wish you the best xx

Remember "Tears endureth for the night, but JOY cometh in the morning".

One of the things I learnt in a bad breakup was that sometimes you just have to let the sadness wash over you. There's nothing wrong with crying, either. We feel what we feel when we feel it. To try to fight it or deny it can make it worse or last longer. I can remember getting up in the middle of the night, standing in a warm shower and just letting the tears (and the snot) flow. When I was done, I'd wash myself off with a nice soap, put on clean PJs, and go back to bed. Something about that 'ritual' helped me relax and calm myself. And if I only slept a few winks after that, so be it. I (obviously) survived it and you will too.

But take comfort in the fact that the tears WILL dry up, the pain WILL stop. It's just going to take a while. And remember that anger and sorrow aren't incompatible. You can be angry and sad at the same time, so don't think your tears are making you 'weak'. They aren't.

Just try to sleep when you can and remember to eat, even if it's a piece of toast or a bar of chocolate. You'll get back to normal, and probably sooner than you think!

Such a beautiful message @AcrossthePond55 💙

I managed to get some sleep but awake again now and crying again. I just don't understand what he expected. He said he didn't want any of this. But told me he doesnt love me and i make him miserable. Sometimes I think he assumes I am a toy that lives on the shelf and I can be picked up and put down to play with when he wants. Doesn't love me but still reckons I'd shag him probaby. I know having kids made him miserable. He wasn't the centre of everyone's world after that and he couldn't just answer to himself anymore. He says I changed after the kids when what he means is I couldn't just do what he wanted all of the time.

I'm so fucking angry. If my kids didn't play on his xbox I would've smashed it up last night.

Sending lots of love. You can make the decision to permanently end it. Pack up his stuff and let him know he can come and get it. Don’t let him keep you in limbo.

I was like you 6 months ago. It will get better.

Stop trying to understand what he wants and why he have done this and start thinking where you are and what you have to do to move forward.

He doesn't care about what you want or how you feel do the same. He has done it and that is a fact.

Don't let him play mind tricks. Stay strong and focus.

The turmoil will pass. One step at the time and one day after another.

Speak to family and friends or here if you need to vent. (This applies to all the process).

Reassurance: tell yourself and the kind that everything is going to be fine.

Setting a new ground:
Look your economical situation and any possible economic help you can have (they are there for this kind of situations).

Claim him the child maintenance.

Once you work out your moneys in and and out. Either change the tenancy to your own, look for other place and in the meantime put yourself in the council housing list.

Look everything, how long do you have left in the tenancy, is affordable? If so try ato change the contract if not stay there until you find an affordable better place.

He is not going to evict you or the kids he will have to continue paying the rent. He is not going to die if he pays two or three more months of rent does he?

Look if you can do some paid work.

All of the above one think at the time. In a few months everything will be in its place. And you will be FREE of his shirt

All the strength for you

Forgot to mention, he is not in or out. He is out. Don't let him back.

There may well be someone else, but, does it really matter? He’s behaving like a whiny spoiled child…..”it’s all about MEEEEEEEEEEEEE” How very boring and unattractive. And how convenient that his navel gazing requires him buggering off to his parents, leaving you with all the child care. What a shocker. Not 🤬🤬🤬
And as for you changing since you had children? Well, yes! What, exactly did he expect? Did he think it would be like Downton, where the nanny brings the children down for an hour at tea time???
He is a tool. Tell him you’re happy to save him all the navel gazing and will be filing for divorce. If there is someone else, but she’s not quite nailed on yet, he will try to come back. Boringly predictable! Don’t let him, you are no one’s plan B!!!

So he says ‘you make him miserable’ marriage is a 2 way street, what has he done to make you happy?

I guess today will be a blur, but in amongst lining up your ducks and looking after dc, start thinking about you.

Didn’t want to read and run.

What a useless arsehole he is. Take that anger and use it to get through the next few months. You will be okay.