This is not a case of 'two people who work better alone', it's a case of two people who work better without each other. Don't write yourself off as a 'loner' or AS until you've actually been on your own for quite some time. You don't know who you are now because he is affecting your 'mindset' and behaviour. And you won't know who you will become once he's gone until you've had time to 'decompress' and actually 'learn who you really are'. If you feel you want or need help to 'find yourself' seek counseling, it can really work wonders.
Give yourself time and don't be so critical of yourself. Now is the time to look for your strengths, and I know you've got them! Look at how you are moving forward. You had a decent night's sleep! Congratulations!! Don't denigrate the progress you've made because you think your steps are too small and you're shedding tears or having moments of panic. Those will pass in time and you will see yourself as the strong and capable woman that you are!
If I may suggest, you don't need to remind eldest to text their dad. Begin as you mean to go on, and that means that STBX needs to be responsible for his own contact with the children. If he wants to hear from them, he needs to initiate it. If they want to hear from him they need to initiate it. I think you've probably spent your marriage as the 'driving force' and 'chief organizer' for the whole family but it's time to take that hat off as far as STBX is concerned.
Remember, too, that there will be peaks and valleys, moments of strength and moments of weakness. One day you may feel you can conquer the world. The next day you may have trouble getting out of bed. This is all normal and you need to tell yourself 'This too shall pass'.
This poem by Dr Maya Angelou was written about the Black experience, but I think it also expresses the experience of every woman who has felt broken and down trodden. I've had times in my life where I've written in big black letters on a Post-It "I RISE" and I've stuck it to my makeup mirror. The words remind me that I have risen before and will rise again.
Still I Rise
BY MAYA ANGELOU
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
’Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
’Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own backyard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.