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Original poster

Can a platonic marriage work?

100 replies

Garlicandherb83 · 04/07/2023 14:09

DH and I live together as friends, have been on the verge of splitting up but haven’t wanted to disrupt kids who are at important stages in school… I am wondering if a platonic (sexless, just friends) marriage can work? (Otherwise things are good, we get on ok, parent well together etc).

Or will it inevitably fall apart? And how do others cope in marriages like this?

OP posts:
Creepyrosemary · 04/07/2023 14:13

Are you both happy being sexless? Or is it frustrating?

Pineappletart7 · 04/07/2023 14:15

As long as you are both happy to not have sex with anyone again then I think it could work if you get along well as friends. If both/one of you still has a sex drive with wants and desires then I think it would eventually be a slippery slope

Miekle · 04/07/2023 14:17

If you are both happy with no sex it should be fine.
If you are not both happy, not so good. If one of you has a health condition preventing sex then I think the other party should man/woman up and remember their vows, but if it's just a choice not to have sex then it's unfair on the party who does want it.

Do you still do coupley things like hand holding on the sofa, massaging sore necks, kissing goodbye (or whatever)? Or do you have no romantic feelings whatsoever anymore?

kitsuneghost · 04/07/2023 14:18

If you are both happy then its fine
Nothing wrong with putting companionship and friendship above a sexual relationship.

Miekle · 04/07/2023 14:19

Also should have asked, do you WANT to get the romance/sex back? Has it just kind of faded? If that's the case I'd fight hard for a marriage with a man you get on with so well. Have you done counselling?

Aquamarine1029 · 04/07/2023 14:21

Are you and your husband both, completely, 100% fine with never having sex with anyone again? If yes, it can work. If no, one of you will be miserable and empty.

Original poster
Garlicandherb83 · 04/07/2023 14:22

@Creepyrosemary No I don’t think we are! I’m definitely not.

But it seems hard to break up a family over this… we have discussed an open relationship but I don’t think I could cope with it.

@Pineappletart7 @Miekle yes this is what I am afraid of - the ‘slippery slope’ where we get more and more miserable. We don’t have any intimacy at all, instigated by DH (no health condition), but he seems happy to remain as a family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Garlicandherb83 · 04/07/2023 14:24

@Miekle yes we have had counselling. It didn’t change things sadly. I could wait and maybe things will improve… but it’s been years already.

OP posts:
Lifeinlists · 04/07/2023 14:34

You know the answer really OP. It's not going to work. Your DH is happy with the status quo because he's obviously getting what he wants and you're helping him with that, unintentionally.

If it's not what you want then you need to be thinking about ending your marriage. I'd never say that lightly to anyone but do you really want decades more of the same?

Original poster
Garlicandherb83 · 04/07/2023 14:42

@Lifeinlists thank you - and I guess that’s what I’m asking myself - is this what I want? I like the family life we have together but I fear it’s just not sustainable without pretty major compromise on my part.

I’m also wondering if staying in a marriage like this is ever the right decision, at least until the DC are grown up…

OP posts:
FarTooHotForMe · 04/07/2023 14:44

Life is too short to miss out on having a sex life.

Miekle · 04/07/2023 14:49

In terms of whether it will be better for your kids or not, it depends how your relationship would appear to them. If you can manage genuine affection (even if just hugs and cheek kisses) and demonstrate respect, care for each other etc, perhaps it's okay for them? If on the other hand you think your marriage is not a good role model of what marriage 'should' be, it might affect their own choices in the future. It's a very tricky one.

And you do of course have to consider yourself too. You are very important.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/07/2023 14:50

Staying for the sake of the children, well whose sake are you staying for?. Theirs or more likely your own because it’s somehow “easier”. Staying till the kids are grown up and or leave home makes a mockery of marriage as well as teaching them that your relationship with their dad was based on a lie. Do not use the DC here as the glue to bind you and your husband together. You only need to give yourself permission to leave.

Original poster
Garlicandherb83 · 04/07/2023 14:58

@Miekle tbh I think it’s okay but not great for them… so if we can create an okay separated situation then maybe that’s equally as good (and better for me and DH ultimately)… I just worry about taking them from ‘okay’ to ‘awful’, moving around houses etc

@AttilaTheMeerkat i see your point but I have worried if we can create (financially etc) a good family for the kids separately… and then I keep thinking maybe it will get better. But I am scared I will keep thinking this for years to come.

OP posts:
FarTooHotForMe · 04/07/2023 15:00

My parents stayed together until I was a very young adult, I was actually quite angry about this and thought why didn’t they split when I was younger? It was obvious they didn’t like each other.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/07/2023 15:09

Children are not stupid and they can and do pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken. This situation is unlikely to change at all, let alone get better and in the meantime you could feel more and more resentful of him.

Better to be from a so called broken home as well than to remain in one.

Would you want them as adults to have such a marriage?. Likely no you would not. Divorce is not failure here, living in unhappiness is.

Original poster
Garlicandherb83 · 04/07/2023 15:18

@FarTooHotForMe thanks and sorry to hear, as a genuine question would you rather have had separate houses, step parents etc? Totally accept that this may be the case!

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you, do you think marriages like this rarely change? I haven’t met anyone else in this situation so just don’t know really…

OP posts:
itsapalaver · 04/07/2023 15:32

I don't know, I think if you're both happy with platonic it can work fine.

Unfortunately I'm in the position where he is happy with platonic but I'm not, and it bothers me every single day.

The problem is, I could instigate a divorce, and end up single, lonely and poor and still get no sex so I'm constantly back and forth wondering what's the best decision.

At least currently I don't have any money worries, I have company, go on regular holidays etc.

FarTooHotForMe · 04/07/2023 15:46

@FarTooHotForMe thanks and sorry to hear, as a genuine question would you rather have had separate houses, step parents etc? Totally accept that this may be the case!

I genuinely don’t know about step parents, I just remember being a young/mid teen thinking that my parents don’t actually like each other and one should move out. I never thought it through as in they should sell the house and buy two flats etc. It was more a funny/cold atmosphere house.

QueefQueen80s · 04/07/2023 17:25

Has he explored why he doesn't want sex OP?

Original poster
Garlicandherb83 · 04/07/2023 17:32

@itsapalaver sounds like we are in a similar situation, I go around and around with these thoughts too.

@FarTooHotForMe thank you for the reply, that makes sense

@QueefQueen80s he says he doesn’t see me that way anymore, he’s fallen out of love, but we are still friendly (most of the time) and he’s a great Dad to our DDs

OP posts:
Mari9999 · 04/07/2023 17:57

@Garlicandherb83
If he is willing to consider an open marriage, it does not sound as though he has lost his interest in sex so much as his interest in sex with you.

I doubt that counseling will help if the issue is that he no longer feels so sexually attracted to you.

I suspect many marriages plod along out of convenience and. not out of love or sexual attraction. Ultimately, only you can decide what you prioritize most for your own well being. It appears that your husband has answered that question as relates to him. He is willing to remain in your sexless marriage because he values the other benefits ( financial stability, nuclear family remaining intact, etc,) That may not be enough for you. Only you can make that decision.

Consider that he have a very low libido threshold or he ma be discretely satisfying his sexual needs outside of your marriage.

FarTooHotForMe · 04/07/2023 18:08

@QueefQueen80s he says he doesn’t see me that way anymore, he’s fallen out of love, but we are still friendly (most of the time) and he’s a great Dad to our DDs

When I read this I thought oh no he isn’t saying he doesn’t want sex but that he doesn’t want sex with you. I really think there’s a good chance he will meet someone he does want to have sec with. When did he say this? Men often say those exact words when they’re in an emotional or physical affair or contemplating one.

Original poster
Garlicandherb83 · 04/07/2023 18:31

Thanks both. Yes it’s definitely personal to me and our relationship sadly. He hasn’t met anyone else yet but I know he might… we’re basically separated living together, but I don’t know how long I can go like this.

‘Ultimately, only you can decide what you prioritize most for your own well being’

This resonates for me. It’s a very hard decision indeed.

OP posts:
FarTooHotForMe · 04/07/2023 18:33

How old are your DC?

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