Can a platonic marriage work?

[Garlicandherb83]

DH and I live together as friends, have been on the verge of splitting up but haven’t wanted to disrupt kids who are at important stages in school… I am wondering if a platonic (sexless, just friends) marriage can work? (Otherwise things are good, we get on ok, parent well together etc).

Or will it inevitably fall apart? And how do others cope in marriages like this?

@Garlicandherb83
Are you certain that what you are calling romantic feelings for him is not just familiarity and comfort. He has obviously spent some time analyzing his feelings and respones to you, but have you given any in-depth thought to your feelings for him. If you were to meet the man the he is today for the first time, would you be attracted to him? Would you think that you could or would love that man? I think that he has asked and answered those questions for himself, but you have not given that same kind of thought to your situation.

As to children, I don't think that they give much real thought to their parents' happiness; I think that their real focus is that their parents should not do anything to make them (the children) unhappy or force them to make sacrifices.

I don't think now is the worst time to split if you are going to split, as it's before GCSEs and A levels and Uni- otherwise you are a decade or more before the youngest gets through all those and so if you use the it's a critical time in their lives argument, you have to suck this up for over a decade. I think that's too long.

I speak though from being happy my parents finally split up as the tension and stress went away, no abuse, just not very nice living environment.

OP has you DH said why he doesn’t think
if you in a sexual way, I’m assuming he once did?

@FarTooHotForMe he’s said lots of things but it seems mostly to do with the way our (romantic) relationship has deteriorated over the years with kids, stress etc… counselling didn’t help much with this unfortunately.

@Mari9999 thank you, I really appreciate this - I have thought about it but I do find these questions helpful. I think the answer is broadly ‘yes’, but on the other hand if he wasn’t into me (as he isn’t now) then clearly it wouldn’t go anywhere.

@Highdaysandholidays1 that’s a very good point , if does seem as though there’s never a good time really from now on…

@Garlicandherb83 having read your replies in this thread I don't think this is just a sexless marriage - it's a loveless one. You admit that romantic feelings have died down, and he already said he does not see you "in this way" anymore. There is no therapy that will fix it because you cannot force someone to love another person if they already fallen out of love with them.

There is always going to be a bad time to split, but it can get much worse than it is now. You and your husband are still on friendly terms, I assume there is still degree of respect and some cozy familiarity. As time goes by these positive aspects of the relationship will start to deteriorate. Most people, likely including you, has a need to feel loved and desired. Denying yourself that will lead to frustration and resentment and who will become target of those feelings you and your husband are bound to develop? each other.

@Garlicandherb83 One more thing to add - the example you set will have a long lasting impact on your kids.

Think about it: the example you're setting up for them is that it's ok to stay in a marriage with someone who does not love you. You still have some feelings for your DH, but he has none for you. He will cheat. It will come out. Your daughters will know about it.

On the other hand, if you and your DH are friendly, you are pretty well positioned to have a supportive and well-organised co-parenting arrangement.

I think you could trial the open marriage thing, you might surprise yourself in not being so jealous when you have someone lovely in your life. Children don't have to know what goes on in your bedroom.

I feel it's unrealistic and frivolous to leave a stable home and marriage for an imaginary love you don't have. Have you seen how bleak it is out there? There is nothing but cheaters, ghosts and venereal diseases on the dating scene.

All relationships go stale with time if you stay in them long enough and have children together, it's bound to happen. Staying together would be a lesson in commitment and importance of family.

We stay in jobs we hate, we visit people we don't like out of politeness, we lie everyday to be polite and friendly. Life is not a romcom. Child abuse by step parents are staggeringly high.

I wouldn't leave a marriage that's boring and platonic if I was safe. Why would I risk losing out financially, seeing my children less, having less say about who daddy brings around them, have my children 'commute' back and fro between two houses, just so that I can get a bit of dick? A dick that probably won't even know how to make me orgasm. Who is this prince charming amazing lover that I will find waiting to take me on and my DC? If I'm not going to have more children with a new man and I'm not going to introduce my children or blend families.. what is the point of tearing up the family so I can spend my DC's remaining childhood years on my own? I could do this in the marriage AND have company AND have more money AND see my children all the time not according to some time share roster.

@PaintedEgg @BeetrootsLipstick thank you - two pretty much completely opposite views there - and I do find myself convinced by both in different ways. Probably illustrates why I haven’t been able to move forward with this…

No way would I spend my life with someone who isn’t attracted to me and thinks they can just opt out of the physical side of a relationship. I’m worth more than that.

We didn’t always live together but spend a lot of time together, did a lot of holidays together for 12yrs. We got along fine, we still did stuff sometimes just us two (theatre) but generally only spent time together as a family. I moved into his house for a while, the kids knew we weren’t together but many outsiders assumed we were a couple. He’s got a new partner now. I’m seeing someone, so we don’t do it now, but it worked for us, and I think it would have worked us living in same house permanently too. It did mean though that we both didn’t move on with our life for so long, and I kind of regret those lost years in some ways, but also proud we managed to give the kids a lot of happy memories despite being separated. We hardly argued too, as the cause for the split had been dealt with long ago and I’m not a grudge holder. It can work, but it often doesn’t.

Depends on personalities of those involved, and behaviours of those involved, what are the rules, will both be happy if someone is dating etc etc. In general a split is the best way to go. Kids adapt so quickly they really do

@BeetrootsLipstick

Why would I risk losing out financially, seeing my children less, having less say about who daddy brings around them, have my children 'commute' back and fro between two houses

Happiness perhaps, a fulfilling romantic relationship? Seems a shit way to live, live an unsatisfying life just because of the possibility that it could be worse

‘Seems a shit way to live, live an unsatisfying life just because of the possibility that it could be worse’

Oh god this hits home - I feel like it could be worse for me and DDs and that’s the fear. But it could also be better… (and potentially much better for me)

Can you afford it? Ie Separate houses etc? If so, that does help

Why is it unsatisfying though? Nobody can make you happy and what is happiness anyway? I prefer being content in life. Romantic relationships all eventually fade to be like this and what you hope remains is respect and friendship. Look at the gems on this board, single women are not having the life of their time, younger childless women are still struggling for the elusive romantic relationship fruitlessly. Add to the mix 2 children and an ex in the background.. honestly this whole romance and happiness has been overegged. To me a shit way to live is living without seeing my children every day and poorer. A vibrator is far more satisfying than 99% of men anyway and more reliable.

This board isn't exactly representative of the general population is it. People in happy relationships don't go posting on Mumsnet to say "My relationship of 40 years is fucking fantastic", because they don't have a problem they need help with.

You've got a very pessimistic view of life and love, and it's not everyone's experience.

And do you think people IRL are likely to admit to being lonely and having shit sex or discussing how they caught herpes and chlamydia off their latest love interest or how they've been stood up yet again? People are more honest online, unless they are trolling. It's not just the OLD threads, even the ones in relationships are moaning. The idea of permanent happiness and passion in a relationship are a big fat lie. Marriage is a a contract not a fairy tale.
No relationship is happy all the time, the relationships that endure are built on respect and shared values, not sex and romance.
I think I'm realistic.

@BeetrootsLipstick

No relationship is happy all the time, the relationships that endure are built on respect and shared values, not sex and romance.
I think I'm realistic.

I'll happily agree with you on this bit, although I'd argue that the best relationships, the ones most likely to endure, are based on all 4. Respect, shared values, sex and romance.

The problem is that even in the very best relationship, if a need is being unmet then you'll start looking for it elsewhere. In some cases people push that need down, in some cases they'll agree that it's OK to have it met elsewhere, and in most cases they'll just ignore their partners approval, and do it in secret.

My DP has no interest in long arguments about politics. That's fine, I can get my jollies by going down the pub and disagreeing agreeably with my mate. Noones going to accuse me of cheating for that, it'd be ridiculous.

On the other hand, if my partner decided that sex was odd the table, I'm fucked. We agreed to be monogamous, and people are going to be really disapproving if I go and sleep with my mate. I'm only 40, I'm not ready to give up on sex yet. So my choices are to leave, hide it from my partner, or get some serious side eye from people I know if they find out I'm in an open relationship.

Most things in life you can get from.other people, even if you're in a committed relationship. Sex, romance, they're the things we're expected to be monogamous for, and if one person takes it off the table, the other is left with no good options.

@fdgdfgdfgdfg yes this makes sense - I guess the question is, it a lack of sex/romantic love worth breaking up a family? This is what it comes down to… and hence the open marriage idea, though I agree there are no good options really!

At the end of the day, that's not a question any one on here is going to be able to answer for you. For me, sex is a fundamental part of being human, and at 40, I wouldn't be ready to never have it again. At 50, 60? Who knows, but given that the age group with the second highest STI rate is the over 70s, I wouldn't count on it.

For @BeetrootsLipstick , it's obviously significantly less important. It's up to you to decide where you fall on it. However, given you've actually posted about it, I'd guess you're closer to my end of the spectrum than hers.

I think kids always know when there are problems especially girls.
I knew my mum & dad were unhappy by age 16 and because I slept in the bedroom adjacent to theirs I was pretty sure they weren't having sex... my mum stayed 5 more years for our sake and it was definitely the wrong decision for her as she was so unhappy she ended up having an affair and just walking out without telling my dad she was going which was a sad way to end the marriage.
It should have been much sooner and it should have been amicable.
My mum always blamed herself for the marriage breakdown but I remember saying to my dad before she walked out that he needed to sit down and talk to mum, but he was too scared of divorce to admit there was a problem (basically he came from a family of 7 which was torn apart by a nasty divorce in 1960 - seen as a scandal in those days!).

It's awful that your husband doesn't want sex anymore as to me that's a fundamental part of a relationship.

I'm single and 46 and definitely not having regular sex but I do miss it; if I wanted to get a boyfriend I could go online etc but sadly my mum is dying so I'm not in the right frame of mind to bother at present.
I wouldn't stay in a marriage just for companionship, I get that from my cat! my best mates, my sister.
Also you're lucky you have daughters to look after so you wouldn't be living alone if you split.

Personally I think it wouldn't hurt to have a conversation with your 14 yr old, eg if mum & dad were to live separately how would you feel about that? You may be surprised as she may have already thought about it!

@fdgdfgdfgdfg At the end of the day, that's not a question any one on here is going to be able to answer for you. For me, sex is a fundamental part of being human, and at 40, I wouldn't be ready to never have it again. At 50, 60? Who knows, but given that the age group with the second highest STI rate is the over 70s, I wouldn't count on it.
Over 70s is not the group with the second highest STI rate. It's the group with the second highest increase in STI rates. It's still low within the age group

Well that's just disappointing! I thought the OAPs were getting all the sex!

I think this is a crucial difference - some people, like you, prefer being safe and content.

Others find it unsatisfying. Neither approach is good or bad - just different needs. But needs being unfulfilled, whatever those needs are, leads to problems

@Chatillon

Please do not split the family up now. Two DDs at that age could be a disaster for at least one of them. Give them as much stability and love as you can. Allow them some control over their lives. Do not unleash the beast that young girls of that age can get afflicted by. You will regret that more than anything.

There is no good time to split up when you have dependent children. You could make the "oh goodness, don't spilt up now" case at pretty much any age. You're not helping the OP by guilting her to stay because of their ages.

For the record I split when mine were about that age, and they appear to have come through largely unscathed by it, despite some obvious initial upset.... The way in which you manage the split is the key.

There is also another side of "think about children" - think about your daughters at one point being told by their husbands "i dont love you, i dont fancy you, i want to have sex with someone else" and them thinking they should stay because thats what their mum did...