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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can a platonic marriage work?

100 replies

Garlicandherb83 · 04/07/2023 14:09

DH and I live together as friends, have been on the verge of splitting up but haven’t wanted to disrupt kids who are at important stages in school… I am wondering if a platonic (sexless, just friends) marriage can work? (Otherwise things are good, we get on ok, parent well together etc).

Or will it inevitably fall apart? And how do others cope in marriages like this?

OP posts:

catonalamppost · 06/07/2023 08:10

Depends on your definition of the marriage 'working'.

It sounds like the best case scenario is that you stay together and are a bit unhappy and frustrated until your kids leave home and you separate.

You need to decide if that's a sacrifice you want to make. There's a chance that one or both of you will meet someone else or just decide at some point that you can no longer do it.

It's not what I'd want, but I can see you're weighing things up for your family as well. It's a tricky situation to be in.

I would say that kids are always more resilient than people give them credit for and they would bounce back if you split up.

PrayerFactory · 06/07/2023 08:10

Yes, absolutely it can, if both people are on board, communicate well, and (in the cases I’m aware of) there is a mutually-agreed openness to sex elsewhere within certain remits.

Fourlegsandatail · 06/07/2023 08:21

You deserve love OP.

I understand your worries for the children but while you and your husband are in a sexless marriage, as individuals neither of you are sexless. One of you will eventually have an affair and that will be 100 times worse. Also don’t open up your marriage ‘for the sake of the children’, that way madness and jealousy lies.

Staying might seem the easier option now but it will ultimately be more hurtful and destructive in the long term.

Take some gutsy steps and be strong for yourself and your children.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 06/07/2023 08:21

What would your lives look like practically if you divorce? If you could afford to keep the family home and H get a 3 bed nearby, I'd be much more inclined to go for it than if you'd both have to leave the area, get smaller places and DDs change school.

NotABeliever · 06/07/2023 09:07

@Garlicandherb83 I'll send you a PM

PaintedEgg · 06/07/2023 09:11

One thing striking about this and others threads on this forum is that while everyone is banging about "staying together for the sake of children" I think I've must have missed comments from people who were children of marriages like this and who were delighted their parents stayed together with open coldness and affairs in the background....

Original poster

Garlicandherb83 · 06/07/2023 16:43

@RiaOverTheRainbow yes we would probably be looking to do the best case scenario of what you describe, tougher now with mortgage rates etc!

@Fourlegsandatail this really stood out to me:
‘Staying might seem the easier option now but it will ultimately be more hurtful and destructive in the long term.’

This is what I’m leaning towards - and saying to DH that if we can’t make a plan to get things back on track somehow then we need to make a plan to separate.

OP posts:

CreamTeaDelight · 07/07/2023 06:23

Garlicandherb83 · 04/07/2023 14:09

Or will it inevitably fall apart? And how do others cope in marriages like this?

It’ll work until one of you has your head turned by someone else (and you can’t fight the feelings of desire any longer).

Experience talking here after a 23 year marriage, over 10 sexless as no attraction and just friends.

Original poster

Garlicandherb83 · 07/07/2023 11:16

Thanks @CreamTeaDelight , can I ask what happened in your situation?

OP posts:

Crikeyalmighty · 07/07/2023 16:47

@itsapalaver we have the reverse situation- my H did something yearsago that made me see him in a not very good light and simply killed the romantic/sexual feelings for me- I do care about him a lot though and he didn't want to split - I did suggest it. So I have stayed and we do very occasionally have sex, just very rarely. It suits me, although probably not him but he didn't fancy the alternative

Blossom4538 · 07/07/2023 20:08

Oh gosh, I’m in the same situation with my H. No sex for around 9 years now. Friendly and respectful, but I feel so sad and crave more. So scared about what to do and currently not working so worried about financials and worried about making wrong decision

Blossom4538 · 06/10/2023 19:22

@Garlicandherb83 just wondering if you came to a decision. I am in a very similar situation, could have literally written your post. I hope you’re ok x

itsmyp4rty · 06/10/2023 20:03

My dad was a pretty rubbish father and not the best husband - I remember my mum chucking his dinner out the back door! I am glad though that they stayed together for the stability above all else. I would have found it much more damaging to have to cope with my world being torn apart, family home sold, moving to who knows where, two houses, them having partners and us having to be around them.

I married someone very, very different from my father - the complete opposite in fact and have never had a relationship anything like it. My father wasn't really present and had a horrible temper. I did not repeat the pattern in any way.

rantinglunatic · 06/10/2023 20:11

So sorry to hear about your situation OP. I am in a sexless marriage, with young teens, and have been for 12 years. I have made peace with it now - I do not have romantic feelings for my partner, nor he for me but we are friends. I am now post-menopausal so things have eased a bit but prior to that I was extremely frustrated by the lack of sex but we have made it through for better or worse. I think in your situation the difficulty is that it is one sided (you keener than him) and it seems almost inevitable that he will find another partner if he hasn't already. So really the sensible thing if you can would be to face this horrible situation sooner rather than later, bite the bullet and start the separation. I know it's easier said than done though. It is also possible that husband may start to see you differently when he sees you acting in an independent manner and valuing yourself (not that you should do it with that goal in mind though). Maybe start making little moves to researching a life apart, looking at how finances will work out, what housing possibilities there are etc. I would tell and show your husband that you are doing this - it may shake him up a bit.

Shabadaba · 06/10/2023 21:37

I know this is a three as from July but How are you doing @Garlicandherb83

longpathtohappiness · 07/10/2023 09:40

Also in a sexless marriage and staying in the marriage for the kids. My parents divorced, and the memories of being "handed over" and "handed back" as though I was a commodity will stay with me forever. My parents using me to spy on the parent, it was horrid. I'd walk on hot coals for my DC and no way i would put them through what I went through growing up. I read on here once marriage is hard, divorce is hard, choose your hard.

StarlightLady · 07/10/2023 10:01

I am totally perplexed by this post OP. You say that you live together as friends, but have been on the verge of splitting up.This does not sound like a friend to me You also add that things are good.

Do neither of you want sex? Is it that not sex with each other or not wanting sex with anyone else either? What were the reasons for the almost split? Do you not miss the intimacy?

This sounds more complicated than just seeking a platonic marriage?

Original poster

Garlicandherb83 · 07/10/2023 10:58

Hi everyone, afraid I’m still in the same position, still in a platonic marriage, and yes it’s complicated. Things have changed now in the sense that I’ve realised I’m definitely not going to stay if things don’t change - I don’t think it’s good for anyone (in our case anyway) to stay unhappy ‘for the kids’. DH wants to try too now, so that’s another change, but if we can’t make it work we will be splitting.

OP posts:

Blossom4538 · 07/10/2023 15:13

I hope you’re ok.

I am undecided about what to do at the minute. I’m same situation and it’s a worry most days

Zanatdy · 07/10/2023 15:19

FarTooHotForMe · 04/07/2023 15:46

@FarTooHotForMe thanks and sorry to hear, as a genuine question would you rather have had separate houses, step parents etc? Totally accept that this may be the case!

I genuinely don’t know about step parents, I just remember being a young/mid teen thinking that my parents don’t actually like each other and one should move out. I never thought it through as in they should sell the house and buy two flats etc. It was more a funny/cold atmosphere house.

My parents were the same only regular blazing rows. It was horrible growing up like that. Yes my children have 2 homes now as I’ve split with my ex but they have 2 happy homes and not one where they are on edge waiting for the next blow up

Shabadaba · 07/10/2023 15:19

Good luck. Can’t be easy trying to “make it work” but I hope you find your happy, either way.

Tiredbehyondbelief · 07/10/2023 15:31

Hi there, sorry to hear about our situation. I stayed in the sexless marriage for 4 years, then we slowly crawled ourselves out after marriage counselling. My husband delegated it to the marriage counsellor to tell me that he no longer found me attactive as I had put on a lot of weight after having 2 children (We each had one separate session with the counsellor). I was hurt. By the time I lost weight (for health reasons, as much as for the sake of my marriage) I was very resentful (hunger pains did not help). However my husband like yours was a great dad and wasn't looking on the side. We could no longer afford counselling so I read a few books. The best ones I have come across is Five Languages of Love and Why Women Talk and Men Walk. My husband is now my best mate and our sex life is great. I look back at all those lonely years and I honestly think fighting for my marriage was worth it in the end. This has been my experience.

Opentooffers · 07/10/2023 15:40

Basically it's a snub and rejection from your DH,that is hard to live with. If someone doesn't want you anymore in that way, the best thing to my mind is to split and be free to find someone who does. Anything else is soul destroying, and you run the risk of having to watch your DH get close to someone else while living with him - even harder to bare.
You might even find that showing him you have the balls to go it alone and find your own happiness jolts him into realising what he's throwing away and get more respect from him.

StoatofDisarray · 07/10/2023 15:43

Yes it definitely can, and since the menopause I don't miss the sex at all.

SallyWD · 07/10/2023 15:59

If both of you are happy it's fine. It's very likely one or both of you will go looking for sex/love. Then what will happen?

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