Can a platonic marriage work?

[Garlicandherb83]

DH and I live together as friends, have been on the verge of splitting up but haven’t wanted to disrupt kids who are at important stages in school… I am wondering if a platonic (sexless, just friends) marriage can work? (Otherwise things are good, we get on ok, parent well together etc).

Or will it inevitably fall apart? And how do others cope in marriages like this?

@FarTooHotForMe 11 and 14

So do you have a platonic marriage or are pretty much separated living separate lives? For example do you go on holidays together or would you both go
a wedding if invited etc?

And what would change when your youngest is 18, if he or she is at uni they still have 5 months of a year so you’ll end up waiting?
Realistically do you think neither of you will not want a full relationship with someone for maybe the next 10 years?

That should say 5 months a year on holidays.

Yes I think it can work tbh. Perfect? No, but there isn't a perfect option on the table. Ultimately I am now glad that my parents did manage to stay together until I left home though my sister feels differently.

I think having a lover is frankly a reasonable solution to this, if you are all able to respect each other and be discreet. There are a lot of people out there who are in exactly this situation. I have never been able to see what is so bad about it tbh.

Seen other posters say what I think, v weird he doesn't want sex but is up for an open marriage.
I definitely think he will be having some sort of sex without you, open marriage or not and may already be exploring this.
Personally I'd rather be single and alone than in a sexless marriage with someone who is potentially looking elsewhere to satisfy their needs.
I couldn't bear being with someone who is having their cake, eating it and possibly keeping it secret (well I have been there and the impact on my mental health and self esteem etc was huge).
And the kids will always 'know' if one parent isn't happy

Have you EVER been at the rip each other's clothes off, can't get enough of each other stage? Or did you start as friends and just slipped into a sort of couple's existence? If it was the former, I can completely understand someone's libido going (for variious reasons), but that would mean with EVERYONE. I'm very suspicious of it just disappearing as far as only the partner is concerned, but they still want to have sex with other people.

Some people are in denial about their sexuality for years, because they want to conform, they want the 2.4 children and the house and all that the stereotypical normal family life stuff and don't want to muddy the waters by acknowledging they're not actually straight. I take it that's all been explored? Are you just assuming that "other people" equals "opposite sex"?

Thanks @Jellyheadbang yes I think it might be unbearable for me in the long run sadly. It isn’t that platonic marriage can’t work it just depends on the circumstances.

and yes @FarTooHotForMe its a long time to wait…

@PermanentTemporary taking a lover sounds straightforward but I’m not sure how it would actually work and if I could cope with it (DH doing it I mean)

@CurlyhairedAssassin im pretty sure he’s not gay but it has been bewildering as we did have a very physical relationship when we first met…

Goodness!

Please do not split the family up now. Two DDs at that age could be a disaster for at least one of them. Give them as much stability and love as you can. Allow them some control over their lives. Do not unleash the beast that young girls of that age can get afflicted by. You will regret that more than anything.

MN tends to be black and white: if you're not completely happy, LTB. But that does have an impact on children - there are reams of research on worse outcomes for single-parent families.

If you are getting on okay in daily life, no major arguments or tension, with one side unhappy but keeping that well concealed, then divorce is almost certainly going to be harder for the children than staying together, both psychologically and financially.

If he were beating you every night it would be an easy choice in a way - you would have to leave, for their sakes as well as yours. That's not the situation here.

People on this forum don't like to admit but many cases are (too) finely balanced. There are no easy options. Divorce not a panacea. Separating doesn't mean you're going to get good enjoyable sex down the road. Nobody with a conscience can blithely assume kids will be fine if the marriage falls apart. Anecdotes on MN are not a substitute for data.

Sorry, understand how you feel, but have no solutions.

Actually it’s not true that single parent families themselves show worse outcomes. The poor outcomes relate to poverty and conflict.

for me, I would not want to live like that. But it’s up to every person to decide for themselves. At least if you are on your own it seems honest

The poor outcomes relate to poverty and conflict.

Even if accept this for sake of argument, outcomes for children in single-parent families are still worse than for two-parent families. So how does single-parenthood help?

for me, I would not want to live like that. But it’s up to every person to decide for themselves. At least if you are on your own it seems honest

But if you have kids you're not on your own. That's the point. If the OP had no children she'd probably have moved on long ago.

staying in an unhealthy relationship has a big impact on children. They’re not daft. There’s absolutely no affection or intimacy in this relationship. Op has said it’s like they’re separated. That’s not even taking into account what they’ll go through when one of them inevitably meets someone else & it gets messy.

I would bet that ‘concealed unhappiness’ isn’t concealed at all. Or not for long.

Thanks all - I appreciate both perspectives though they do represent the battle going on in my head! And yes, though we are friends (and trying to stay that way) there is no affection or intimacy and the DCs definitely know something’s up. So I’m not convinced it’s the best thing for them if we stay together (even if that was the only factor) - BUT I’m very aware they are at sensitive ages and terrified of ruining their lives. So I feel I’m trapped really - I think we both do - between two options neither of which are any good…

They’re not daft. There’s absolutely no affection or intimacy in this relationship.

Always this is justification used. "Poor kids!". They may be fine. How do we know? "Might not be fine" is not convincing rebuttal unless you are divorcee yourself.

OP says "just friends" in first post. You argue in effect children would prefer family torn apart, two homes, lower income, conflict, dislocation of daily life, all the rest of it, to situation in which mum + dad coexisting peacefully as "just friends" but not lovers.

At some point it becomes problem for kids, sure, but where is line? Suspect divorcees (male and female both) make choice for themselves first and foremost, rationalise /justify later, downplay effects on children.

Before divorce, kids not complaining or showing distress is "oh they know, and it's bad for them". After divorce it's "they're not complaining, don't seem distressed - they're fine. Divorce right decision!"

Cases of infidelity, violence, abuse: divorce understandable, sensible. Question is what to do in cases of ambiguity / uncertainty.

OP not only unsure she can obtain better life for self, but also unsure she can maintain quality of life for children. Sensible, thoughtful person, intuitively understands divorce not magic wand.

Sometimes, there is no good or best choice only option is the lesser of two evils.
Life comes with no guarantees. Children might be quite comfortable with a divorce. They may be devastated. One might be fine ; the other might have a totally different reaction . Finances might be sufficient for both in a divorce; finances even if equitably distributed might mean a diminished quality of life for both. Both might be happier with a divorce; both might have the 1 issue removed.only to have that issue replaced by equally difficult issues.

All of these things should be considered, and a decision should be made but not in some "Pollyanna ish" approach that life will necessarily become rainbows and sunshine. These are serious concerns ,and they deserve serious and thorough thinking through.

On the upside, divorce is not fatal , and all of the parties usually live to find new and different issues about which to be concerned.

@outwest ’OP says "just friends" in first post. You argue in effect children would prefer family torn apart, two homes, lower income, conflict, dislocation of daily life, all the rest of it, to situation in which mum + dad coexisting peacefully as "just friends" but not lovers’

So you argue in effect that children would prefer to stay in a home where they know one (or even both) are unhappy & living a lie? A lie & unhappiness that will most likely get worse (resentment & unhappiness from Mum - understandable. Dad more than likely at some point will find someone he does want to have sex with. Then it will get messy & end in divorce anyway. That is not teaching children about good & healthy relationships.

yourequoting all the negative things about op’s alternative life. Yes that could happen or she could meet someone else & be happy or stay single.

You’re basically saying there’s no other option than to stay in an unhappy & unhealthy relationship unless there’s beatings rather than having to courage to improve hers & her children’s lives.

Divorce doesn’t have to mean more misery than staying if done correctly by both parties.

Op - good luck in whatever you decide, none are the perfect option but only you know what’s best for you. Sorry you’re going through this.

There is no easy solution to this unfortunately.

I think as you have alluded to, you rub along well and he is a good dad, so the kids might not have picked up on this, particularly if you still share a bed.

They are at a very tricky age to deal with a split.

Financially, the current economic climate with high rents and high mortgage rates is not supportive of people wanting to split. Many couples will be staying together for financial reasons. Would you be able to maintain a similar lifestyle?

if you do split then you will have to get used to the concept of not seeing your children for a few days a week. Is this something that you would be comfortable with? What if he started a new relationship, how would you feel about that?

There are no certainties that splitting would
lead to guaranteed romantic happiness for you. You only have to see the threads on the horrors of dating to see that. It might though, so is it something you are prepared to gamble on?

There are lots of people in your boat and sexless marriages are more common than you might think. (Around 15-20% by all accounts) although they do define sexless as less than once a month which for some people is normal, not sexless!

I get that it’s awful for you though. It’s clear to me that you still have some romantic feelings for him but it sounds like he doesn’t for you. That is very hard to take. Nobody wants to face that their husband doesn’t fancy them anymore. Men don’t suggest open relationships when they still have feelings for you.

I have been in your position and felt so invisible and unwanted. I stayed and found happiness doing other things until the kids were adults when we eventually split up. I have to say though, it hasn’t been a bed of roses since then. Inevitably he moved on very quickly with a much younger woman (42 to his 55) and I have not found it easy. Stupidly, I still hoped things would get better, but they didn’t, they got worse and it shattered my self esteem. I am now single with a couple of shit short term relationships behind me whilst he is all loved up with his new partner. My kids things she is great too to rub salt in!

its a hard decision and it seems so unfair that the”innocent party” has to make it as he won’t:

Looking back, I would have taken a lover I think. It would have at least given me some comfort in a shitty situation.

Hope whatever you decide works out for you x

What does he say? Why has the decision been left with you?

You're setting your daughter's up to accept some really crappy relationships in their future if this is what you're modelling for them.

You're not happy and haven't been for years. So split up, show your children that you deserve happiness.

Thanks all - I seemed to be damned if I do and damned if I don’t - setting a bad example to my DDs if I stay, or potentially massively disrupting their lives if I don’t.

thank you for your thoughtful reply @Shabadaba and sorry things have been hard - overall would you say you’re glad you stayed together until DC had grown up?

@MrsMorrisey if I didn’t bring it up I think we could drift along like this for years tbh

The problem is that you're also potentially massively disrupting your children's lives if you stay as well.

It doesn't sound like either of you want to live a life without sex or intimacy, so sooner or later one of you is going to find that outside the relationship.

Right now, you could probably split fairly calmly, slowly, with a lack of arguments or recriminations. Compare that to how the split will go once one of you has had an affair.

You could just carry on bumbling along like you are now for the rest of your lives, but I think the chances of that are small. And even if you make it until the kids hit adulthood and then have an affair, then one of you is still going to look like the bad guy to your kids.

Thank you @fdgdfgdfgdfg this has hit home for me, I think these are excellent points. The chances of carrying on like this for a long time do seem slim (and it’s a depressing thought really).

I guess the one question mark remaining for me is whether we could have an ‘arrangement’ (so not affairs per se) that we are both allowed to have relationships outside the marriage. The major problem with this is that I do still have romantic feelings for DH so think I would struggle with jealousy (he wouldn’t feel jealous, he has made this clear).

Also this could also be v confusing for the DC if they got any sense that this was happening and I fear it could all get very messy in general, just as an affair would.

@Garlicandherb83 On balance I am torn to be honest. Leaving it until they were older was good for them I think but perhaps no so good for me as I was by then going through menopause and nowhere near as attractive as I was 8 years earlier.

I don’t think open relationship will work if you still have feelings. I’m surprised you do to be honest after being treated so poorly and knowing that he has none for you.

I’m surprised too! Its maybe not very healthy and wish I didn’t still have those feelings in a way - as things would be simpler.

And thank you for your honesty - I am worried that if I leave it for many years I will regret it… but also see it’s more complicated than that with regard to DC.