OLD

[Fbshe]

I’m 4 months into online dating and wondering if there is any point to it. I’m not sure if it is something I am doing but it seems every man I speak to just wants me to send nudes, I can speak to them for days and it all seem friendly and then as soon as there is a suggestion of meeting up they send me a dick pic or ask me to send them something. I always block at this point because I think it sets the tone of what is wanted from the relationship. There has also been several times where early on they “just check” that I would be willing to do anal, one very kindly responded letting me know it is the done thing these days and I won’t get far saying no, apparently “all girls rim men” too.

I just feel so disheartened. I have hobbies but there are no single men that attend and I just don’t have time to do anymore. Where can I meet someone? I’m only 31 and would like to meet someone to eventually settle down with.

Oh god I’m sorry I don’t have much advice. I’ve been on dating apps for a couple of months but I’m 43 and have kids so not looking to have a family or anything.
it’s so grim the messages and pictures isn’t it! Some really awful men out there, you kind of start getting a really skewed view of them all. But there are some decent ones out there your young don’t worry you will meet someone don’t lose hope x

Emily Atack made a documentary about this problem don’t know if you’ve seen?

I’ve been OLD on and off since 2008, popular but never had a dick pic or a request for anal. Requests for lingerie and high heels continue unabated.

I think people are more comfortable with the internet as a means of communication now. I tend to meet up early, which means we are still at an early stage of messaging until then, still at the “How’s your day going” stage.

@24Dogcuddler no I haven’t but I will look out for it, tonight’s plans have suddenly been cancelled now that I’ve blocked another “nice guy”.

@Nelly10 I feel like it is starting to change my view of them, I was speaking to a colleague earlier and he was being friendly and in the back of my mind I was assuming that he is as bad as the rest. I don’t usually have such a negative view.

How soon do you suggest meeting up?

I seem to get plenty of matches but the conversation always seems to change quickly.

I'm finding this too, even the ones I've matched that I've thought seemed nice and looking for a relationship, still turn into sex pests, quicker they ask for your number, the worst their intentions I find.
I managed a second date recently but even he was trying to rush me into sleeping with him before any mention of exclusivity, so I put a stop to that.
It's so hard to find a genuine guy that just wants to date first without all the sex pressure. Not that I would even wait that long, at least a few dates and are we just seeing each other chat would do, I haven't managed to get that far yet.

I'm a solo mother by choice as time was running out for me and I could not find anyone suitable to settle down with aged 38/39.l, and didn't want to seriously compromise or settle.

I'm not sure what had happened between my 20s and 30s, but I think all the good ones had already got taken by the time I was 35 and what was left on OLD was very similar what previous posters have described. Most men were either: out of long-term relationship looking for casual, didn't want anything "serious", didn't want children at all (relevant to me several years ago) or had had vesectomies, or had already had children, or were simply lacking 'skills' for want of a better word to form a meaningful emotional relationship ina romantic partner.

Of course my expectations if I can call them that are now very different yet still the same issues persist, inability to communicate effectively or simply wanting something very casual. It's fine not to have chemistry with someone, I don't expect that with every person I go on a date with (which hasn't even been that many lately!), but the general atmosphere on OLD seems to be very transactional and superficial.

No words of advice op@Fbshe , I sympathise unless you're interested in the solo parenting route!

I've been online dating on and off for years and I've honestly had none of this dick pics/rude messages or anything..

Perhaps I'm managing to get rid of the bad ones early on as I have lots of strict filters and I'm quite judgey ha and read a lot into what's on their profile. Not sure if it'll help but these are a few of my rules (!)

NEVER SWIPE RIGHT/CONSIDER THEM IF:

• There's an option to write a bio and they haven't written anything (laziness/implies there's winging it on looks etc or they're not serious about finding someone for a relationship)
• any mention of sex at all in their profile or in a message before I've met them - so unnecessary!
• a rubbish bio that's not shown much thought like a two liner
• any negativity in the bio (i.e. jokes about "let's match and never speak!" or "I'm not looking for a penpal" "Allergic to drama" etc)
• any comments that's creepy/gives me the ick on my looks early on - hard to explain this but some of the compliments are creepy/some are nice and trust your dut
• any topless picture of a man
• any selfies (ok this is a bit mean/difficult I know as lots of guys take selfies now but it just gives me the ick.. perhaps I'd accept a selfie of a man somewhere interesting on holiday not not like a mirror selfie or, god forbid, a gym selfie..)

UNMATCH/BE WARY OF THEM IF:

• Their messages are rubbish, one word/one liners, not asking questions etc - again they're not putting the effort in
• too intense/regular like non stop messaging throughout a working day - implies to me they're trying to speed things up and create false intimacy
• as above, at the first mention of anything sexual - even if they say something like "sex is really important to me in a relationship" - ok if this comes up when you've got to know them in person but I just feel like they're pushing boundaries early on to mention it at all!

Oh yes, and I'm only happy meeting up after about a week of messaging back and forth and feeling like I've got to know them enough to feel like it's worth my time, but not so much so that it's been too long. I'd say maybe 5-7 days of messages..

And another PP said something about giving their phone number. I usually don't even give my phone number (or last name or any identifying details) until AFTER the first date! I just keep chatting/make arrangements to meet on the dating apps

My best advice is don’t just chat to anyone who you ‘match’ with or swipe right on everyone you find attractive ! I think the whole swiping. I actually think this whole matching and swiping thing is bonkers. I just wish OLD was like it used to be before all this started.

Read their profiles. Those who don’t bother to fill out their profiles or put anything in their bio are usually the worst offenders for the dick pics and asking for nudes. Along with those who write ‘just ask’ or ‘will fill in later’! This shows that they don’t want to put the effort in to actually finding someone for a relationship- they just want casual sex! Also watch for the topless pictures and lower torso pictures and pictures of them laying in bed.
Watch out for anyone with ‘crazy exes’ - always a massive red flag! And those who like to have a good moan in their bio with nothing positive to say.

Totally agree with this! I meant to add that about the "just ask" too.. same for if they've put any sort of "humorous/passive aggressive" reply to any of the questions like job "I have one thanks" or "dolphin trainer" - all guys not taking it seriously.

I think my rule about selfies in general works but if you're being less strict then 100% agree with hell no to selfies in bed/lying down/anything topless as this poster has said!

Its high speed filtering, and as such you will get torrents of the wrong thing and only a few of the right type. Its like pre-computers, blokes would say something like "tickle your ass with a feather?" and if the response was positive away you went; if negative or quizzical look repeat as "I say, mighty nice weather, eh?". Fast filtering by those looking for just one thing, was there before the internet but harder to pull off as fewer opportunities and more face to face. With OLD the number of opportunities is pretty much unlimited and no embarrassment, merely someone moving on or telling you that you are the problem as "its the done thing now"! 🙄Good luck and keep looking for the needles in amongst all that hay.

Make a bullet point list on your profile of things you want, and things you don't want.

Then, be willing to put the time in without getting emotionally engaged. I'd suggest you're probably getting too attached if it's 'disheartening' to let go of these men you've never even met. Don't 'speak to them for days'. Tell them that x,y and z are things you've been asked for regularly, and you'll never do them. Tell them you're free on Saturday afternoon and Thursday evening next week, and you like to meet people rather than send lots of messages. Then, if you get a date set up, it's just a bloke you've met in a bar/cafe/park, not some 'potential long term partner' that's given you loads of hope.

Like you say, you're 31. Lots more than 4 months to offer this. Make it bearable for yourself. It's not up to the guys to be 'right' for you. It's up to you to make to filtering process manageable until you crop up on the right one, who might be 1 or 100 dates away.

Does anyone video call with these chaps before meeting? Is that a thing? I'd like to do that so an not to waste a child free night on someone who's photos are 10 years old!

No to video calls for me. I get absolutely sick and tired of men demanding we talk on the phone before meeting. I mean, why would I want to talk to a random stranger who I can’t see… best thing is save the conversation for the first date in my opinion. The only exception to this is when a guy had so many bad experiences that he was convinced I was fake so we spoke briefly on the phone to reassure him I was a real person

Video call fills me with dread, I think purely because of the pictures I’ve received I wouldn’t know what to expect.

I’m not actually against having sex with them it’s just the idea of discussing it before meeting makes it feel seedy and preplanned instead of romantic and spontaneous.

I’m not actually against having sex with them it’s just the idea of discussing it before

Eh? Why would you be discussing sex on the first phone call? Couldn't you have the same sort of chat as you might with anybody else you thought you might feel a little attraction to? 'Nice weather we're having', 'What do you do for a living, do you enjoy it?' sort of thing?

Have I missed something?!

Yes, you’ve missed the reason I made the thread I think. I’m sick of them always wanting to discuss sex before meeting them.

The problem isn't the guys. I mean, yes, they're shitty, but there have always been shitty people. For you personally, the problem is how much you let it bother you. It's not a problem that's going away, so you've got to manage it better for yourself. Dick pic? What a prat! And move on. It doesn't mean you are attracting these sorts of men, it doesn't have any bearing on who your future partner is or how likely you are to meet them. It is literally of no consequence.

How old are you if you don't mind me asking? How old are the guys you're matching with?
I'm mid 40s, and have quite a lot of OLD experience. I've never ever had a request for nudes. Or a dick pic.
I wonder if there's a certain type of guy that you're picking. Or something in your convo with them that makes this happen so often. That sounds like I'm blaming you, and I'm NOT! Possibly what I mean more is that maybe I (for example) come across as a prude? And that's why I haven't?
Do you go straight in with the "flirty banter"?
Anyone that sexualises me before we've even met, or mentions sex in a convo before we've met gives me the instant ick and I delete

I’m 31, I’m limiting myself to only talking to those that are fully dressed and have a suggestion of interests or hobbies. Someone further up mentioned making sure the profile is completed so I am taking that into consideration now and I’ve added to mine so that they also will see I’m putting the time in.

One that has kept it clean has suggested a date next week which is an activity, he offered to pick me up but I have said I will drive because I need to be back for a specific time, I don’t need to be back but I thought putting this shows that I will be leaving after the date.

I’m absolutely not a flirty banter kind of person, I wouldn’t know how to even if I wanted to!

OLD is grim. AFter going back on for a couple of stints it's really put me off men. In a way it feels like I've been cured of my male attraction to be honest. I came back off it after lots of matches and one date. It just felt transactional, sleazy, forced, and fake.

I'm back to going out and doing things to meet people. I WFH so am hoping to get a job, even something tiny. I'm looking into volunteering. And I'm looking into a regular meet up for one of my interests.

OLD? Never again.

I met my DH on Tinder nearly 9 years ago so I can speak on this I think.

The fact is, the men who say stuff like this have no social skills whatsoever, or if they do, they don't see you as someone they'd make the effort to be socially acceptable to and thats ok because they dont know you.

The only thing I can say is keep your standards up and your options open, but don't let it harden you. It's bullshit that there's no good men to be had on OLD, they won't be as pushy as the knobs but they are there and they will standards just as high as yours, as they should.

Also I would never tell a guy where I live so he can pick me up on a first date! Be careful with that too.. keeping personal stuff private until you get to know him..

This sounds grim I.have had two relationships as a result of OLD. Neither of them.askrd me to send nudes. I did start in mid 40s. Single again and have thought that I might give it a go again. We'll see. Good luck OP