So this might be a bit of a long one, and for that, I apologise.
My partner and I have been together for nearly 10 years now. Bought a house 5 years ago. We hadn't lived together prior to this, though we did basically live in one another's pockets for the time leading up to moving in.
He was amazing to start with, and I had just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship, so when we first started talking and seeing each other, I really felt he was very special. He treated me very kindly, made me feel listened to and cared for and we had an amazing time getting to know one another. We both still lived at home at the time, but any moment we could, we would spend it staying over at each other's houses and things like that. No issues what so ever. But over time, I started noticing some things.
Temper - He has a short temper. He has broken cooking utensils before and broke down due to food he has prepared being burned or not satisfactory to his standards. When we first got together, he tried taking part in one of my hobbies but because he couldn't do it, he threw a bit of a wobbler and really embarrassed himself. I tried to cut him some slack as we were newly dating but looking back on it, it was a red flag I should have picked up on. If something doesn't go as he planned, he can't handle it. He sulks and pouts and generally makes the atmosphere awful.
Sensitive - He is so highly sensitive, to the point it is crippling our relationship. Some examples of which include him accidentally hurting me while kissing/hugging me, I say ow, and he has a strop saying 'I can't even hug/kiss you right without you getting hurt!'. I can't bring up issues with him as he takes it all as an attack (even if I start by saying this isn't an attack on his character, just something we need to talk about), so a lot of things wrong with the relationship are left to fester because I mentally can't take what happens when I bring things to the fore. He cries and says I am calling him a shit person and when he cries, I can't carry on discussing the problem because I feel bad I've upset him so much. The most awkward has been during sex, when I have tried to guide his hand or help him out with something, he gets offended and says I've killed the mood and that he can't carry on because I'm 'taking over for him'. He once told me to use a toy, which I did, then he got upset that I was 'having fun without him' even though he had many opportunities to get involved. He thinks everything I say and do is passive aggressive towards him, and makes me out to be some kind of tyrant in the house because of it. Basically, I have been walking on eggshells for the past few years for a silent life. Our sex life is dead because of this, but also because of...
Hygiene - I have high standards of cleanliness and personal hygiene, but only try to hold myself to that. I expect the very basics to be adhered to e.g. cleaning up after yourself, not leaving shit in the toilet/hair clippings on the sink/bedroom surfaces. But he doesn't do that. Every morning I know I have to clean up after him, and again whenever he has made food. Crumbs all over the floor, rotten sink (which he washes the dishes in so I rewash them) full of food, milk all over the place. Things like that. Easily cleared up, but seem like an impossible task for him. I've asked him over and over to please do it, as I end up having to clean up after him before I can even start making myself breakfast, but he never does. He does the dish washing and the bins, but everything else is left to me. I recently left some of the chores aside to see if he would notice, and he didn't. He seems perfectly happy living in a pig sty (which is reflected by his bedroom - we don't share beds due to size differences etc - it has that greasy man smell and there are used tissues all over the place and fingernails etc). He also doesn't shower that often, and the last time we were intimate - approx. 8 months ago - he smelled so bad I dry heaved when I went down there and had to move away. He blamed the smell on my washing drying in the room. It really upset me. I try to present myself well for him, make sure I am washed and clean, yet he really did smell very unpleasant and it really put me off. The fear of him taking down his pants and the scent I might be faced with actually makes me panic a bit.
Money - He earns a lot more than me, but I still pay for half of the mortgage/bills etc. I don't mind that. Fair is fair. But he is such a stinge, he is paranoid about spending to much when he has 1000's in savings in the bank. We live comfortably, having no children, but he acts like we are living in Dickensian times. He is desperate for a new kitchen but won't pay for one unless I go halves with him. Our kitchen doesn't bother me, it looks okay and functions well. Same with the driveway. Everything is micromanaged and penny pinched to the max and it really sucks the fun out of life when I am scared to buy something in case he's wondering why I am paying for say, a new top, when I could be putting that towards the kitchen he wants.
Because I have been withdrawing somewhat, and my confidence low, I have been going back to old hobbies I enjoyed and making friends online (I have no irl friends currently, only workmates), which has been a blessing for me. I've enjoyed getting to explore new, creative things and have been proud of the projects I've completed, yet he has shamed me for them. Made me feel embarrassed for my interests, so I stopped. I registered my interest in taking part in an event where I would have to train and really put my mind to something, but he talked me out of that to, as he told me he was convinced I was doing it to spend less time with him. Which at the time, I wasn't. I wanted to do something I was proud of, but when he spun it like that I thought yeah, maybe I should have done. I've never shamed him for his interests or goals, but he was pretty quick to make me feel embarrassed and ashamed of mine. He's paranoid about me not liking him, and his worries aren't unfounded. I think I am going through a severe stage of the ick with him, and he's squashed me into such a confined space that I feel like I am ready to blow up.
He blames me for all of this, says it's me who has changed. And I think I have changed. While I have floundered and become small in our relationship, at work and in my hobbies I have flourished. He says he thinks I don't spend enough time with him, but who would want to spend time with someone when you're afraid to speak for fear of upsetting them or having them throw a tantrum? I'm scared to be hugged by him in case he does something which hurts me, in case I have to vocalise some discomfort and he cries because he 'can't hug me right'. He's told me I need therapy. I am currently on a waiting list to be seen (neurodivergent, awaiting final diagnosis but we're nearly there!). He's told me this several times, and it's upsetting to hear, when all I am doing is trying to better myself. No matter how many times I say I am on a waiting list, he tells me I should pay (with what money???) and go private. He's called my behaviour and the way I word things 'weird' and 'abnormal' before, which I have recently learned is due to my ND. I know I am not the easiest person around, but I am very lenient and courteous with his issues, but everyone has a limit, and I think I have reached mine. I think he is neurotic and needs help.
It's all just a big mess. I've tried talking to him countless times, asking him if he loves me (he never compliments me or anything, only squeezes my bum and things like that which, yeah... don't make a girl feel good) and he says yes, but won't tell me why if I ask him. I don't think I love him any more. Not in that way. I care for him, but I think everything that has happened has torpedoed what we had going on. I'm not sure I can get that back, and the only way I see we can is if he learns to take constructive criticism which at this point, seems impossible.
I've probably missed loads out, and I'm not sure what I'm even asking for here. But some advice would be nice. My family have told me to leave and go back home to their place, but I am scared. In a recent argument he implied I was just using him at this point for a place to live, which didn't feel good, and called me cruel for not knowing how to progress, that I was keeping him hanging. I often just want to be spirited away elsewhere, and have fantasies of driving off never to be seen again, but I know if I leave, he will have a break down. So I've kind of assigned myself to this life, trapped feeling miserable. You're probably wondering why I am still here, and I honestly don't know other than I keep telling myself I can fix this and live in hope that one day things will change.
Thanks for reading.