I think I might be done.

[laciport]

So this might be a bit of a long one, and for that, I apologise.

My partner and I have been together for nearly 10 years now. Bought a house 5 years ago. We hadn't lived together prior to this, though we did basically live in one another's pockets for the time leading up to moving in.

He was amazing to start with, and I had just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship, so when we first started talking and seeing each other, I really felt he was very special. He treated me very kindly, made me feel listened to and cared for and we had an amazing time getting to know one another. We both still lived at home at the time, but any moment we could, we would spend it staying over at each other's houses and things like that. No issues what so ever. But over time, I started noticing some things.

Temper - He has a short temper. He has broken cooking utensils before and broke down due to food he has prepared being burned or not satisfactory to his standards. When we first got together, he tried taking part in one of my hobbies but because he couldn't do it, he threw a bit of a wobbler and really embarrassed himself. I tried to cut him some slack as we were newly dating but looking back on it, it was a red flag I should have picked up on. If something doesn't go as he planned, he can't handle it. He sulks and pouts and generally makes the atmosphere awful.

Sensitive - He is so highly sensitive, to the point it is crippling our relationship. Some examples of which include him accidentally hurting me while kissing/hugging me, I say ow, and he has a strop saying 'I can't even hug/kiss you right without you getting hurt!'. I can't bring up issues with him as he takes it all as an attack (even if I start by saying this isn't an attack on his character, just something we need to talk about), so a lot of things wrong with the relationship are left to fester because I mentally can't take what happens when I bring things to the fore. He cries and says I am calling him a shit person and when he cries, I can't carry on discussing the problem because I feel bad I've upset him so much. The most awkward has been during sex, when I have tried to guide his hand or help him out with something, he gets offended and says I've killed the mood and that he can't carry on because I'm 'taking over for him'. He once told me to use a toy, which I did, then he got upset that I was 'having fun without him' even though he had many opportunities to get involved. He thinks everything I say and do is passive aggressive towards him, and makes me out to be some kind of tyrant in the house because of it. Basically, I have been walking on eggshells for the past few years for a silent life. Our sex life is dead because of this, but also because of...

Hygiene - I have high standards of cleanliness and personal hygiene, but only try to hold myself to that. I expect the very basics to be adhered to e.g. cleaning up after yourself, not leaving shit in the toilet/hair clippings on the sink/bedroom surfaces. But he doesn't do that. Every morning I know I have to clean up after him, and again whenever he has made food. Crumbs all over the floor, rotten sink (which he washes the dishes in so I rewash them) full of food, milk all over the place. Things like that. Easily cleared up, but seem like an impossible task for him. I've asked him over and over to please do it, as I end up having to clean up after him before I can even start making myself breakfast, but he never does. He does the dish washing and the bins, but everything else is left to me. I recently left some of the chores aside to see if he would notice, and he didn't. He seems perfectly happy living in a pig sty (which is reflected by his bedroom - we don't share beds due to size differences etc - it has that greasy man smell and there are used tissues all over the place and fingernails etc). He also doesn't shower that often, and the last time we were intimate - approx. 8 months ago - he smelled so bad I dry heaved when I went down there and had to move away. He blamed the smell on my washing drying in the room. It really upset me. I try to present myself well for him, make sure I am washed and clean, yet he really did smell very unpleasant and it really put me off. The fear of him taking down his pants and the scent I might be faced with actually makes me panic a bit.

Money - He earns a lot more than me, but I still pay for half of the mortgage/bills etc. I don't mind that. Fair is fair. But he is such a stinge, he is paranoid about spending to much when he has 1000's in savings in the bank. We live comfortably, having no children, but he acts like we are living in Dickensian times. He is desperate for a new kitchen but won't pay for one unless I go halves with him. Our kitchen doesn't bother me, it looks okay and functions well. Same with the driveway. Everything is micromanaged and penny pinched to the max and it really sucks the fun out of life when I am scared to buy something in case he's wondering why I am paying for say, a new top, when I could be putting that towards the kitchen he wants.

Because I have been withdrawing somewhat, and my confidence low, I have been going back to old hobbies I enjoyed and making friends online (I have no irl friends currently, only workmates), which has been a blessing for me. I've enjoyed getting to explore new, creative things and have been proud of the projects I've completed, yet he has shamed me for them. Made me feel embarrassed for my interests, so I stopped. I registered my interest in taking part in an event where I would have to train and really put my mind to something, but he talked me out of that to, as he told me he was convinced I was doing it to spend less time with him. Which at the time, I wasn't. I wanted to do something I was proud of, but when he spun it like that I thought yeah, maybe I should have done. I've never shamed him for his interests or goals, but he was pretty quick to make me feel embarrassed and ashamed of mine. He's paranoid about me not liking him, and his worries aren't unfounded. I think I am going through a severe stage of the ick with him, and he's squashed me into such a confined space that I feel like I am ready to blow up.

He blames me for all of this, says it's me who has changed. And I think I have changed. While I have floundered and become small in our relationship, at work and in my hobbies I have flourished. He says he thinks I don't spend enough time with him, but who would want to spend time with someone when you're afraid to speak for fear of upsetting them or having them throw a tantrum? I'm scared to be hugged by him in case he does something which hurts me, in case I have to vocalise some discomfort and he cries because he 'can't hug me right'. He's told me I need therapy. I am currently on a waiting list to be seen (neurodivergent, awaiting final diagnosis but we're nearly there!). He's told me this several times, and it's upsetting to hear, when all I am doing is trying to better myself. No matter how many times I say I am on a waiting list, he tells me I should pay (with what money???) and go private. He's called my behaviour and the way I word things 'weird' and 'abnormal' before, which I have recently learned is due to my ND. I know I am not the easiest person around, but I am very lenient and courteous with his issues, but everyone has a limit, and I think I have reached mine. I think he is neurotic and needs help.

It's all just a big mess. I've tried talking to him countless times, asking him if he loves me (he never compliments me or anything, only squeezes my bum and things like that which, yeah... don't make a girl feel good) and he says yes, but won't tell me why if I ask him. I don't think I love him any more. Not in that way. I care for him, but I think everything that has happened has torpedoed what we had going on. I'm not sure I can get that back, and the only way I see we can is if he learns to take constructive criticism which at this point, seems impossible.

I've probably missed loads out, and I'm not sure what I'm even asking for here. But some advice would be nice. My family have told me to leave and go back home to their place, but I am scared. In a recent argument he implied I was just using him at this point for a place to live, which didn't feel good, and called me cruel for not knowing how to progress, that I was keeping him hanging. I often just want to be spirited away elsewhere, and have fantasies of driving off never to be seen again, but I know if I leave, he will have a break down. So I've kind of assigned myself to this life, trapped feeling miserable. You're probably wondering why I am still here, and I honestly don't know other than I keep telling myself I can fix this and live in hope that one day things will change.

Thanks for reading.

What's the situation with the house? Do you both own it?

@Highdaysandholidays1 I think so too. Around coworkers I feel so different, like a different person entirely, and when I go home I feel sad. Because of my potential autism diagnosis though, I do worry if that is just me masking at work. I don't know. I'm rambling a bit here and letting my thoughts flow through my fingers.

I have really knuckled down this past few years to try and be mature about things, even with things we have disagreed on. We're all capable of getting angry or whatever, but I've implemented a lot of helpful techniques to really try and get my thoughts and words out more clearly. I'm not the most clear communicator, that has always been a struggle for me, but I've come on in leaps and bounds. Thank you, though. I don't feel particularly lovely at the moment but I do know I am trying to do my best here, but when you're not given much to work with it's kind of like... pointless.

Six months. That's it. Six months of difficulty, max, to be free of this miserable life. That's what I told my friend when she was in the same situation.

if you could sit there now, and know in six months your life would be different, maybe in your own place. Enjoying your hobbies with no one sneering at you. No one to walk on egg shells with etc. would you do it?

Think practical right now. Do you have any debts, any loans or credit cards (especially any joint ones?) if yes, overpay them, whilst you are together.

do you know what your house is worth and whether he would buy you out. My ex bought me out, we had a a kid and we're married but because we'd agreed it all together we didn't need a solicitor. I simply transferred the deeds to him and he gave me a bank transfer.

start saving a bit he doesn't know about, I'm assuming you have separate finances, so just tighten your belt if you can a bit and get some cash behind you.

plan what you exactly want. If he magically changed would you want him? I think not. So don't lead with that. Tell him you're done. If he says you've changed etc, agree. You are allowed to change and want different things. Just be firm (but kind), and just keep saying your mind is made up, you don't want the relationship anymore and you are separating. He will need to catch up to where you are and I'm sure will cry, threaten, get angry and cry some more. That is not on you. And if you go back on it, you'll only have to do it all again in a few months once it becomes unbearable again.

wishing you lots of luck, and just think. Christmas without treading on eggshells is in your grasp.

@tothelefttotheleft Yes it's a joint mortgage so we own equal shares. This is what I am confused about. What would happen there? Would I need a solicitor? I think he can afford the house by himself, I can't - I work an unskilled job - so would have to move back in with family. Not married. No kids.

@ZeroFucksGivenToday Thank you for this. Did your friend manage okay? I would love a life without being judged or told what I am/aren't feeling (often told I look angry, once because I was trying not to sneeze lol). I am on high alert all the time and it's mentally exhausting me, just waiting for the next argument to come around.

I have no debts, no credit cards, and approx. £7k in savings. Not a lot, but I know it is more than some people have so I consider myself thankful. I am able to save monthly currently - was paying some stuff off but that's done with now so I can start saving again, even if it's just a bit. I think the house is worth about £150k, but like I said in my last reply, he can afford it on his own, I can't.

I recommend reading Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That. It's very useful for seeing behaviour as a means to control.

By thankful I meant lucky. Sorry, my head is such a scramble right now!

@ZeroFucksGivenToday
Excellent advice!

@laciport

He's called my behaviour and the way I word things 'weird' and 'abnormal' before
You come across as perfectly eloquent in your posting, it sounds like that's just another trick to make everything your fault.
And the sheer cheek of him to say you need therapy, when he can't have even a slightly awkward conversation, or even apologise for an accidental bump, without crying.

As always, we only have one side of the story, but certainly from what you've said the only thing you've done wrong right here is finally started to realise your worth.

OP, I think him blaming your personality and neurodiversity is just part of his overall nastiness, I think you sound very centred and emotionally mature, if you are neurodiverse then it could be good to get tested for your own self and understanding, but it doesn't seem to be stopping you functioning well at work and well (as far as you can with this awful man) at home and so it's really a red herring as far as blame/pointing fingers goes.

Surely living at home would be better than this? I don't know your family but I very much hope so.

Make a plan to leave OP. By Christmas it could all be done. Start you new life without him in the new year. Best wishes xx

My friend is living her best life. Best thing she did!

Im still single 6 years on from making the same decision. I remember walking into my kitchen looking out the window with a cup of coffee and smiling. Because no one was going to make me walk on eggshells again.

steps for house.
Are you jointly on the mortgage? And are you tied into a product right now? If yes, ring and find out when you come out if it and how much it would be to break it in the next few months.

Then, get it valued, get a couple of valuations and work out what the equity is, and see if your STBX could buy you out. Both giving you your half of equity and taking on a mortgage alone. If yes and he's happy just agree that together. (Assuming he's a decent guy and will do that easily).
If he can't or doesn't want the house. If goes on the market and you share equity once sold.
Only reason you'd need a solicitor is if he didn't want to sell or buy you out and he refuses to engage.

Who cares what it’s called? He’s horrible to you. Your family can see it. People on this thread can see it. No need to analyse any further right now, just get away from him so you can start to feel better. Call your mum and take up the offer of her spare room.

Apologies for my dc question in that case op. It was an insensitive question and I should have thought a bit more in advance of asking!

Thank heavens for supportive mothers.
I would start the moving out process now op!

Gather together all important docs: mortgage, insurance, proof of salary, bank account and savings details, passports etc. Smuggle copies over to your mother’s house!

Everything related to your job and your tech.

Set up a separate bank account in your name only.

Start moving your precious things over and the clothes you wear the most.

Itvwill be less stressful broaching the subject once you know the main elements of your life have already been transferred over to your mum’s.

It doesn’t sound like he is going to be one for an amicable split so I would arrange for removers to come the same day you announce and move out cleanly and quickly. That’s not to say that you won’t discuss it with him respectfully and thoroughly but it will be a done deal in your mind when you do; no wavering!

It’s good to be able to discuss it here in advance and thrash out your own feelings about it all. Ultimately there’s just one salient question though; shall I stay or shall I go?

@AuntMarch I am by no means perfect, but I own my issues and have worked diligently on them. I do struggle a bit with OCD tendencies but that is mostly structured around what I do, as opposed to inflicting it upon others.

I am currently waiting for a formal diagnosis (adult waiting lists are loooong!) but the few GPs I have spoken to have said they are fairly certain but can't say for sure.

I do struggle with work but that is just a confidence thing. I have really got stuck into my role there and generally have a good time there. With all jobs, there are days I want to can it, but otherwise, it's the best job I've ever had.

@Highdaysandholidays1 I think home would be better for me currently. I am seeing my Mum this week so I will ask her again to doubly make sure I won't be encroaching.

@ZeroFucksGivenToday We are on it jointly, yeah. And I am unsure of what you mean by product. I would have to find that out somehow. I can't see him to be the type to drag his heels, but then again, I have never seen him in this situation before so I can't say for sure!

This is fairly easy .

You do have ca child - him - he is not your equal
Or partner
You are his housekeeper. He is emotionally abusive.

You have family willing to support you and savings

I would move back home , give him the option of either buying you out of your 50% share of the house or selling and splitting the proceeds.
I would consult a solicitor simply so he can't bamboozle you out of what you are owed .

Then clean break . He sounds absolutely grim and I'm amazed at what women will put up with for the sake of peace .

Peace is what you'll have without him , without having to tread on eggshells , able to indulge in your hobbies and interests without criticism, freedom to do as you please , no one to clean up
After accept yourself . It's worth it op . I wouldn't want to live like you describe. His happiness is not your responsibility.

I would leave .

An astoundingly insensitive and frankly stupid post on a thread by a woman in a relationship with a narcissist.

@laciport he is abusive and deeply unpleasant. You need to leave asap.

You will feel like a weight has been lifted off you. You will feel incredibly liberated.

You will also probably feel a bit scared and wonder if you've done the right thing. You'll miss the bits you did like including the nice bits of just being in a relationship (that aren't special to him).

But then you will reread this post and you'll remember that you've done the best thing you could have done to ensure your future safety, mental health and contentment.

@Stirredandconfused678 It's okay, don't worry. I'm not offended! Luckily, we do not have a joint bank account. He wouldn't get one with me, so all of my money is my own so I don't need to hide anything there. I will discuss with my Mum what I can do and set up an emergency bag or something as you've suggested. (I like that precious things reference if that was indeed a reference to a certain 90's comedy :) )

@laciport it's emotional abuse because he's trying to control you by playing on your emotions. In a normal relationship everyone has disagreements or does things the other person doesn't like but they talk about it and come to an agreement, something that works for both of them. He wants all your time and attention focussed on him and when he doesn't get it he doesn't talk to you he trantrums like a child, he cries to make you feel bad, he sulks and doesn't speak to you, once again to make you feel it's your fault. Basically you're living with a man who behaves like a child and no decent adult relationship can grow from that, he can't see anything but his needs and wants

Go home darling, if you need permission - you have it. In spadefulls! Your mum wouldn't offer if she didn't think it was necessary. Everything else can be worked out but please give yourself permission to be free. I can't even begin to imagine the relief you will feel.

Thank you everyone. It's a lot to take in and work through. I'm not here looking for someone to do it for me, but it is nice just to be able to air my thoughts and get feedback on them from strangers. The wonders of the internet.

When I say product, I mean are you just on the standard variable rate for your mortgage or in a fixed or tracker rate mortgage? If you're on SVR it's easy as you can just change your mortgage when you want. If you're on a fix or tracker you just need to find out how long is left on it and what's the penalty on leaving it early.

@ZeroFucksGivenToday Oh, sorry. Yeah. It's Variable now. We were on fixed rate but that expired and we moved onto a variable rate. I am 99% sure that's the situation.

thats great if you are. Don't let him get you tied into another product, he may push that, and then you're a bit stuck without paying to get out of it.

Variable helps as he can take a new mortgage for the value he wants plus any equity he owes you (subject to normal lending rules etc).

I don’t understand why you’re still together, it sounds absolutely miserable. Have you read that back to yourself?

You’re not married and you don’t have children? It doesn’t sound too complicated at all.

Don’t be afraid of being on your own - you’re already alone, albeit cleaning up after someone.