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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not quite the ex

89 replies

Runnerbean67 · 02/07/2023 08:45

Hi there everyone. My partner and I met nearly two years ago and instantly clicked. I’m 55, divorced six years ago and have two daughters in their early 20’s. I also have my own house in a rural area, my own business, dogs, sheep, chooks and a horse. He is 61, separated 6 years ago after 28 years of marriage, is semi retired with three late 20’s kids, has his own house 300 miles from his family and a successful business that requires minimum input.
All looks rosy doesn’t it.
But. He is still married and regularly attends events with his wife. She still lives in the family home and lives on half the profit from the business. He wants me to live with him but I explained that I’m not prepared to do that until he has no emotional, legal or financial ties to his wife-I.e. he’s divorced. Any mention of the subject, or any questions about the relationship with his wife causes him to blow up, call me mercenary and then stonewall me for up to two weeks.
He is unable to discuss anything we disagree on and uses stonewalling/sulking as a tactic, then, when I capitulate on whatever the issue was, will just sweep it under the rug and pretend nothing’s happened. I’ve tried SO hard to calmly, emphatically and honestly explain to him what his behaviour is doing to our relationship but it changes nothing. He’s promised to try to deal with our disagreements in a healthier way but here we are on day 6 of another extended sulk. He’s just gone to a wedding reception with his wife because his daughter was a bridesmaid (for a uni friend of hers I guess he met once?) It was a same sex civil ceremony and he (and wifey) would only have known their daughter and perhaps one of the marrying couple? It wasn’t that I had a paddy that he was going; he didn’t TELL me or discuss; I happened to find out. He made another excuse as to why he needed to drive 300 miles…
He’s a good man. He’s kind and loving and generous and we generally get on like a house on fire. I’ll admit we generally do stuff around where he lives (25 miles from me) because he doesn’t like/can’t do my hobbies but I still make time
for my own interests.
What do I do? Do I walk away because of his appalling communication style and refusal to get divorced? Am I wasting my life here? 😢

OP posts:

Yupiknowhowthatfeels · 02/07/2023 09:02

He's not a good man despite what you say if he behaves like this and uses stonewalling when you call him out.
You're bending over backwards to do stuff around where he lives - minimal effort needed from him!
He is keeping his options open with the ex wife by not divorcing. It also tells you that he's prepared to protect his financial interests to the hilt. I'd bet his wife would do quite nicely if she actually got a financial order approved and they divorced. Why would he agree to that?
And he's too old for you.

Homebird8 · 02/07/2023 09:04

“Would love to meet sulky, uncommunicative, manchild who is totally unprepared to properly finish one relationship before he starts another.”

I think you know the answer. You deserve better than this.

Epidote · 02/07/2023 09:05

He wants the relationship on his terms.
I don't think you need that at all. How long will you cope with his childish technique of manipulation?
I don't see it working.

Childhoodnostalgia · 02/07/2023 09:07

Honestly, just why are you with him? I only read half of your OP and that was enough… why are you hanging on to him? Why are you settling?

Newusernameaug · 02/07/2023 09:08

I find it strange when you list these appalling behaviours and how badly he treats you, then you say he’s a good man - err no he’s not!! 🤷🏽‍♀️

Watchkeys · 02/07/2023 09:09

Any mention of the subject, or any questions about the relationship with his wife causes him to blow up, call me mercenary and then stonewall me for up to two weeks

Why does this not totally put you off him? He's not 'unable' to talk about this, he actively chooses to dismiss, disregard, and disrespect your feelings, for days at a time, until you shut the fuck up about something he doesn't want to talk about.

How can you think he cares about you at all, if he's capable of doing this?

Watchkeys · 02/07/2023 09:11

He’s kind and loving and generous and we generally get on like a house on fire

... as long as he's getting what he wants.

toobusytothink · 02/07/2023 09:12

I think the “not being divorced” bit is not a deal breaker actually. When businesses are involved the financial side of things can be very complicated and as things are working as they are I can kind of see why they might not do that. Although I wouldn’t like it personally, some might choose to ignore it.

but the still attending family events would mightily pee me off and I couldn’t cope with that. Especially the not discussing it.

it sounds as though he’s quite lazy. Is happy with the status quo and can’t be bothered to change anything/ruffle any feathers. Personally I think he should be listening to your opinions and taking your feelings into account. That would be the red flag and deal breaker for me …

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/07/2023 09:13

He is not a good man at all and you're the Other Woman in this scenario. He is still married and his behaviour towards you i.e the stonewalling and sulking is also abusive in nature.

Love your own self for a change and read Women who love too much by Dr Robin Norwood. Raise your relationship bar a lot higher and examine closely why you chose him of all people to be in a relationship with. You really do deserve better but you have to believe that for your own self.

TiredCatLady · 02/07/2023 09:13

How often are these “events” or reasons to drive 300 miles and when he goes to these events with the wife, does he go back and stay at their family home? In the same bed as her?

Does she know about you? Have you met his kids?

He wants you to live with him which presumably means give up your home etc but have no security.

I get the impression someone wants his cake and to eat it twice…

He’s a prat and you’d be better shot of him.

SiennaT · 02/07/2023 09:13

A person isn’t good or bad, they are usually a mix of both. What you have to decide is whether they are enough good to put up with the bad. I personally couldn’t cope with the impact his ‘bad’ would have on my mental health in the long term.

User10932 · 02/07/2023 09:13

I recently went to a funeral where the man who has passed, had a similar situation. His DP who he had been with for over a decade, was pushed aside as the (still legally married) ex wife, was front and centre of the funeral, acting the poor widow. Needless to say, she was still next of kin and got everything too. It was like his DP didn’t exist, which was very hurtful for her.

in your situation, are the people in his life aware of yoI? Have you met friends/ family? Or is he leading a double life?

bumblebee2235 · 02/07/2023 09:19

Cheeky bugger. It's lovely to still be close to wife after split.. but you can't expect to have multiple woman on the go 😂 he wants closeness with his wife but also you. And expects you to wave him off to his little couple meetings. I agree you can't have a serious relationship whilst still got feet in the last one. Ridiculous. He should decided what he wants.. perhaps it's more an arrangement with his wife he wants, then the go ahead for naughty flings on the side? Whilst having emotional needs met by her?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/07/2023 09:21

Watchkeys · 02/07/2023 09:11

He’s kind and loving and generous and we generally get on like a house on fire

... as long as he's getting what he wants.

Indeed. Unattractive.

Original poster

Runnerbean67 · 02/07/2023 09:26

Thank you all that have so far responded; I’m very good at trying to understand other people’s points of view at the expense of my own, it’s good to hear a neutral point of view.
To add: I have met nearly all of his close family including his three children and three of his four siblings, and he has met my girls and my sister plus a lot of my friends. Also HE left HER and I have no doubt their relationship is well and truly over.
I agree that to give up my independence and financial position to live with him as things stand now would be madness! I too have known people who have been ousted by the children of their deceased spouse because financial matters weren’t sorted out properly when they cohabited. I have my girls to consider after all.
I also understand that his wife in nooooo way wants to rock the boat as she is sitting pretty with no mortgage, no money worries and a nice income! Of COURSE she’s not going to push for a divorce - if he pops off she’ll be able to buy a private jet and go on a round the world cruise - forever!
He has repeatedly said that he’s more than happy to split things 50/50 with wifey - they are very amicable and his brother constantly badgers him to get divorced, I think he feels guilty about breaking up the family and still responsible for his wife.

OP posts:

Yupiknowhowthatfeels · 02/07/2023 09:31

I'm.very glad that he feels guilty for splitting up his family. He should.
So he should make good on that by divorcing his wife and splitting 50/50 on everything.

Whataretheodds · 02/07/2023 09:32

Also HE left HER and I have no doubt their relationship is well and truly over.

Except it's not, is it? They may or may not be sleeping together, but their relationship definitely isn't over.

The sulking behaviour you describe is emotionally abusive and extremely unattractive. Why do you still want to be with him after that.

Malificent1 · 02/07/2023 09:35

Sulking, stonewalling, lying men are not good men. No matter what their other redeeming qualities might be.

Would you want your daughters to be in relationships with men like this? No, because at best it’s very unhealthy, and at worst it’s downright abusive.

monsteramunch · 02/07/2023 09:35

I think he feels guilty about breaking up the family and still responsible for his wife.

Surely if this was true he would divorce and agree to a 50/50 split of all assets?

Rather than the status quo which is him presumably funding her lifestyle, but it being dependent on them having an amicable relationship.

She would be in a much more secure financial position if they actually divorced as she would then be independent.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/07/2023 09:39

Walk away.

How he deals with his ex wife works for him, her and their children, but it doesn’t work for you. He’s not going to change it so walk away and don’t waste anymore of your time on someone you’re not compatible with.

OrbandSpectacle · 02/07/2023 09:46

Stonewalling and sulking is abusive behaviour. Imagine living with that, apart from the cake and eating it scenario with current wife.

Epidote · 02/07/2023 10:15

I think he doesn't want to split it 50/50.
If that was the case he already had done it.
I think his ex is having a good life with far more less than that 50/50.

It is a money matter more that he feel guilty. He considers the business and money his and he is not going to give it up that easy.
It is not you or her is he and his or what he considers he is entainteld to.

monsteramunch · 02/07/2023 10:37

Epidote · 02/07/2023 10:15

I think he doesn't want to split it 50/50.
If that was the case he already had done it.
I think his ex is having a good life with far more less than that 50/50.

I completely agree.

His ex would be better off and financially independent if they divorced. They could still attend things together etc, it would have no effect on that. They could both be free to marry other people. They could still be friends.

The only difference now is that he isn't giving up 50% of assets.

He's not doing this because he's generous. It's less generous than divorcing.

Watchkeys · 02/07/2023 10:42

He has repeatedly said that he’s more than happy to split things 50/50 with wifey - they are very amicable and his brother constantly badgers him to get divorced, I think he feels guilty about breaking up the family and still responsible for his wife

I think I'd have trouble trusting anything he says, given the lengths he'll go to to avoid having to deal with you having any 'inconvenient' feelings or responses. He'll go to great lengths to shut you up in order to keep his life simple, as you know.

Shapemyeyebrows · 02/07/2023 10:56

He might not be in a romantic relationship with his ex wife but the relationship is definitely not over. He’s keeping the door open there for whatever reason, 6 years separated but he stone walls his current partner of 2 years when divorce is mentioned shows you where his priorities lie. He hasn’t and doesn’t want to properly move on, which is why he shuts you down. He knows exactly what’s he’s doing and being stone walled is extremely damaging to you, he’s training you to not challenge him on things and if you stay with him, you will end up having no voice.

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