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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not quite the ex

89 replies

Runnerbean67 · 02/07/2023 08:45

Hi there everyone. My partner and I met nearly two years ago and instantly clicked. I’m 55, divorced six years ago and have two daughters in their early 20’s. I also have my own house in a rural area, my own business, dogs, sheep, chooks and a horse. He is 61, separated 6 years ago after 28 years of marriage, is semi retired with three late 20’s kids, has his own house 300 miles from his family and a successful business that requires minimum input.
All looks rosy doesn’t it.
But. He is still married and regularly attends events with his wife. She still lives in the family home and lives on half the profit from the business. He wants me to live with him but I explained that I’m not prepared to do that until he has no emotional, legal or financial ties to his wife-I.e. he’s divorced. Any mention of the subject, or any questions about the relationship with his wife causes him to blow up, call me mercenary and then stonewall me for up to two weeks.
He is unable to discuss anything we disagree on and uses stonewalling/sulking as a tactic, then, when I capitulate on whatever the issue was, will just sweep it under the rug and pretend nothing’s happened. I’ve tried SO hard to calmly, emphatically and honestly explain to him what his behaviour is doing to our relationship but it changes nothing. He’s promised to try to deal with our disagreements in a healthier way but here we are on day 6 of another extended sulk. He’s just gone to a wedding reception with his wife because his daughter was a bridesmaid (for a uni friend of hers I guess he met once?) It was a same sex civil ceremony and he (and wifey) would only have known their daughter and perhaps one of the marrying couple? It wasn’t that I had a paddy that he was going; he didn’t TELL me or discuss; I happened to find out. He made another excuse as to why he needed to drive 300 miles…
He’s a good man. He’s kind and loving and generous and we generally get on like a house on fire. I’ll admit we generally do stuff around where he lives (25 miles from me) because he doesn’t like/can’t do my hobbies but I still make time
for my own interests.
What do I do? Do I walk away because of his appalling communication style and refusal to get divorced? Am I wasting my life here? 😢

OP posts:
Stratocumulus · 02/07/2023 15:56

To answer your original question and without giving too much away, but based on experience:

Yes, you are wasting your life, let alone your time.
Dump him OP, dump him.

80s · 02/07/2023 15:58

Any mention of the subject, or any questions about the relationship with his wife causes him to blow up, call me mercenary and then stonewall me for up to two weeks.
His view is that I’m always criticising him and he’s done everything he can to make me happy but it’s not good enough.
Why are you giving this man the time of day?

TheoTheopolis23 · 02/07/2023 16:01

I capitulated today and messaged him after 6 days of silence

His techniques are abusive, rude, disrespectful..... And to me they're a power play and/or indifference.

I find a lot of divorved men are quite ruthless and selfish, they are not particularly highly invested in relationships. They are quite cavalier. If there's a y hassid or inconvenience they're one foot out the door.

Look, they walked away from their wife and mother of their kids, often the wife did nothing out of the ordinary. If they don't value their marriage, why would they highly value their next "partner". I see a lot of women get invested and emotional about men like this and it's not even/equal. The investment and tolerance is not on an even keel

These men take the company and intimacy and often dinestuc help and emotional support etc, but they are not actually v invested and are quite ruthless and cavalier behind the scenes. I know lots of them like this.

Women don't seem to twig their true character or agenda - because theyre earnest and sincere and wanting a life partner themselves.

The men are just thinking they'll have everything their own way, and if it's too much hassle, they'll move on, plenty of fish ..they're generally well heeled and gave the gift of the gab and can pull themselves another woman with not too much trouble. (Half of them have a back up plan of buying themselves a mail order younger woman from a developing country in my experience too).

TheoTheopolis23 · 02/07/2023 16:03

he’s done everything he can to make me happy but it’s not good enough.

Except get an actual divorce, be legally single and not be acting like he's still a couple with his ex wife sometimes ...... Yeah your "demands" are totally unreasonable. How dare you .. smh.

Softoprider · 02/07/2023 16:06

OP Everything is on his terms isn't it? As long as his wife is happy and he is happy then it's all ok. Soon as you say something he does not like then it blows up and you get the silent treatment.
Red flags popping up everywhere !

Sunsetandsunrise · 02/07/2023 16:10

This guy is wasting your time and his words don’t match up with his actions. Do you know why he left the wife and mother of his kids?

a lesson to all…don’t get into relationships with men or women who are still married. I always feel it says something about the person that they didn’t bother to get a divorce before going back out into the dating world.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 02/07/2023 16:17

Is he going to end it with you when you meet up for coffee?

He can't marry you if he won't divorce #1.

Do you really want to marry or even live with someone who sulks and stonewalls? Where do you hide for the 2 excruciating weeks or whatever it takes for him to be pleasant again?

Presumably you enjoy lifestyle benefits with him, holidays, parties, evenings out etc. If you're having a good time with him and want to continue the relationship as it is, stay in your own home, keep finances separate and stop talking about divorce or whatever sets him off.

And be prepared to walk away if he gets too tedious.

Yupiknowhowthatfeels · 02/07/2023 16:21

Look, they walked away from their wife and mother of their kids, often the wife did nothing out of the ordinary. If they don't value their marriage, why would they highly value their next "partner". I see a lot of women get invested and emotional about men like this and it's not even/equal. The investment and tolerance is not on an even keel

This 100%

80s · 02/07/2023 16:27

Look, they walked away from their wife and mother of their kids, often the wife did nothing out of the ordinary. If they don't value their marriage, why would they highly value their next "partner".
Men and women are allowed to leave their partners even if those partners do not do anything "out of the ordinary". Marriages sometimes turn out to be a bit shit, however great you imagined they would be. Why would they not value their next partner? It's a different person, a different context.

Sure, if I knew that someone had dumped their partner nastily and run off with someone else - for instance - it would give me pause for thought. But the mere fact of them being divorced wouldn't put me off. Like OP, I'm divorced myself. Though obviously, if someone writes me off as a potential partner because of that, then they've done me a favour. I wouldn't want to be with someone who makes instant judgy assumptions.

Watchkeys · 02/07/2023 16:30

Quite, @80s

They might not value their marriage because they do value themselves, and that's something to seek out in a partner.

A person can't be judged by the fact that their marriage didn't work out. There's lots of different ways for a relationship to go wrong, and it's not always because a man isn't able to commit.

TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 02/07/2023 16:32

Malificent1 · 02/07/2023 09:35

Sulking, stonewalling, lying men are not good men. No matter what their other redeeming qualities might be.

Would you want your daughters to be in relationships with men like this? No, because at best it’s very unhealthy, and at worst it’s downright abusive.

yeah, I agree with you.

Any mention of the subject, or any questions about the relationship with his wife causes him to blow up, call me mercenary and then stonewall me for up to two weeks.
He is unable to discuss anything we disagree on and uses stonewalling/sulking as a tactic, then, when I capitulate on whatever the issue was, will just sweep it under the rug and pretend nothing’s happened.

Why do you want to live with hum?

TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 02/07/2023 16:32

Him

Yupiknowhowthatfeels · 02/07/2023 16:34

Luckily most of these types make it easy to tell whether they're a good bet as a partner.
Comments about the mother of their kids being , "controlling, deranged, money grabbing or crazy" are usually quite telling.

LadyLardy · 02/07/2023 16:35

Homebird8 · 02/07/2023 09:04

“Would love to meet sulky, uncommunicative, manchild who is totally unprepared to properly finish one relationship before he starts another.”

I think you know the answer. You deserve better than this.

This says it all. No woman would want a bloke like this. Why on earth do you stay?

Walk away. You can do much better.

Sunsetandsunrise · 02/07/2023 17:29

Considering some people are stuck in miserable marriages that don’t work and some have good reasons for leaving, yes it doesn’t tell you everything just because they’ve divorced but it can tell you something based on the reason for the divorce.

If I commit for life, I mean it - unless something really dramatically bad happens, not everyone has that mindset and will leave a marriage if they feel they are a bit bored - those who have that mindset are probably not a good match for me and vice Versa. Also the rate of divorce in second marriages is higher than first so again it can be a pattern.

TheoTheopolis23 · 02/07/2023 18:11

80s · 02/07/2023 16:27

Look, they walked away from their wife and mother of their kids, often the wife did nothing out of the ordinary. If they don't value their marriage, why would they highly value their next "partner".
Men and women are allowed to leave their partners even if those partners do not do anything "out of the ordinary". Marriages sometimes turn out to be a bit shit, however great you imagined they would be. Why would they not value their next partner? It's a different person, a different context.

Sure, if I knew that someone had dumped their partner nastily and run off with someone else - for instance - it would give me pause for thought. But the mere fact of them being divorced wouldn't put me off. Like OP, I'm divorced myself. Though obviously, if someone writes me off as a potential partner because of that, then they've done me a favour. I wouldn't want to be with someone who makes instant judgy assumptions.

While there may be some examples of that ..... There is also a type of man who will leave his wife and then engage in relationships that are very much on his terms, often go for younger women, often be commitment phobes etc etc. I know this type. I've known then since I was in my 20s.

And I'm not taking about women so there's no need to refer to women.
Women are not men.

TheoTheopolis23 · 02/07/2023 18:13

Watchkeys · 02/07/2023 16:30

Quite, @80s

They might not value their marriage because they do value themselves, and that's something to seek out in a partner.

A person can't be judged by the fact that their marriage didn't work out. There's lots of different ways for a relationship to go wrong, and it's not always because a man isn't able to commit.

I'm not talking about people, I'm talking about men. A particular type of man especially.

When and men tend to leave spouses for very different reasons.

80s · 02/07/2023 18:14

And I'm not taking about women so there's no need to refer to women.
I referred to women because I was talking about women.

Watchkeys · 02/07/2023 18:19

@TheoTheopolis23

When and men tend to leave spouses for very different reasons

Yes. And lots of men leave their marriage because they realise that their relationship isn't viable and isn't going to make either party, or the children, happy. So we can't pre-judge, can we?

Watchkeys · 02/07/2023 18:21

Shame you've had such poor examples of men in your life, @TheoTheopolis23 . Your experience isn't universal, though, and you're basing general advice on a very subjective base.

Rec0veringAcademic · 02/07/2023 18:42

I'd run as fast as my feet could carry me, op. This is an emotionally abusive, calculating man. You can still do better. His wife, not so much, but that's nothing to do with you.

Keep your security, independence, and dignity.

Takenoprisoner · 03/07/2023 01:01

You have tolerated this utter BS for SIX YEARS???

Op this is an abusive relationship. Stonewalling and silent treatment is abuse. You have been ground down. He gives you the silent treatment because it works for him. It shuts you up and keeps you in line.

Dump this abusive man and have some self respect.

OrbandSpectacle · 03/07/2023 08:22

TheoTheopolis23 · 02/07/2023 16:01

I capitulated today and messaged him after 6 days of silence

His techniques are abusive, rude, disrespectful..... And to me they're a power play and/or indifference.

I find a lot of divorved men are quite ruthless and selfish, they are not particularly highly invested in relationships. They are quite cavalier. If there's a y hassid or inconvenience they're one foot out the door.

Look, they walked away from their wife and mother of their kids, often the wife did nothing out of the ordinary. If they don't value their marriage, why would they highly value their next "partner". I see a lot of women get invested and emotional about men like this and it's not even/equal. The investment and tolerance is not on an even keel

These men take the company and intimacy and often dinestuc help and emotional support etc, but they are not actually v invested and are quite ruthless and cavalier behind the scenes. I know lots of them like this.

Women don't seem to twig their true character or agenda - because theyre earnest and sincere and wanting a life partner themselves.

The men are just thinking they'll have everything their own way, and if it's too much hassle, they'll move on, plenty of fish ..they're generally well heeled and gave the gift of the gab and can pull themselves another woman with not too much trouble. (Half of them have a back up plan of buying themselves a mail order younger woman from a developing country in my experience too).

I had a relationship with one like this. I was bewildered by his callousness and selfishness at times, now your post makes total sense of it!

Ariela · 03/07/2023 09:18

Epidote · 02/07/2023 09:05

He wants the relationship on his terms.
I don't think you need that at all. How long will you cope with his childish technique of manipulation?
I don't see it working.

Not just the 'ex' wife things

I’ll admit we generally do stuff around where he lives (25 miles from me) because he doesn’t like/can’t do my hobbies

Now my DH doesn't do some of my hobbies, but he's supportive (I come home to a meal all nicely prepared, for example)

Ditch. It'll only get worse

Calling · 03/07/2023 10:51

I wonder what would happen if the wife got a boyfriend.

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